Good Witch / Bad Witch

Real World Day Trippin’: The Art of the Daydream

November 12, 2009 · 2 Comments

daydreamingAlbert Einstein, Frank Lloyd Wright, and Nikola Tesla were famous ones. Daydreamers. It’s one thing to have one’s head in the clouds all day and night, but healthy to build some neurons and synaptic connections by dreaming of flying on a fluffy purple marshmallow, returning to earth and then…eating your landing gear.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My daughter’s a daydreamer, even in school. I worry this is going to set her back. How do I bring her into the real world?   — Down-to-Earth Dad

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Dear Down-to-Earth Dad,

You don’t say how old your girl is, but I will assume early grade school by your context. Daydreaming “too much” is subjective, so as long as you and a professional rule out behavior problems and diseases like ADD, I’m a fan of healthy daydreaming. I say, don’t be too anxious to “help” her grow up, pops.

Kids need to play and daydream to learn. I’m a pretty seriously grounded and creative person, and/but was a true blurry-eyed, dreamy day dreamer (to the point of falling asleep in Phonics on the “bl” constant blend and waking up all mixed up on “sh” in the first grade) as a kid. I think you’d be surprised how many Real World dreams I was visualizing and plotting for my own future! Even I knew I was day dreamy (and no, I was not chided for it). Which brings up an excellent point. You might want to gently ask your daughter what she’s thinking about the next few times she takes a day trip in front of you. Keep the judgment out of your voice, best as you can keep it neutral. Ask her with genuine interest (you’ll be privileged with a small glimpse into her lovely head — no offense, but something tells me you could use a shot of whimsy, grounded to earth dad). Not only that, you’ll be showing interest in her thoughts inside her pretty little head, as well as helping her notice when she’s daydreaming.

Again assuming “normal” developmental behavior, I would reinforce that there are better times and scenarios to daydream (many times, dad!), versus not so much (crossing the street, when in a new, unfamiliar environment). There’s a right time and place for everything, down-to-earth poppy – and childhood is an especially magical time for the eternal past time of daydreaming.

Paying bills before you know it,

BW

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Dear Down-to-Earth Dad,

Sounds like your daughter has an active imagination, which is keeping her attention. That’s not all bad. Daydreaming is thought to be a sign of creativity. Her daydream believer spirit may be one of her greatest assets in the real world.

In our get-things-accomplished-multitasking world, we forget that a child’s primary job is to play and learn. Daydreaming allows her to re-work life experiences in a safe and creative way.  Relationships and the real world can be overwhelming and confusing for children. Daydreaming actually helps with healthy social interactions by allowing children to rework scenarios and even role-play new personas. According to Jonah Lehrer, author of Proust Was A Neuroscientist, “Mostly, what we daydream about is each other, as the mind retrieves memories, contemplates “what if” scenarios, and thinks about how it should behave in the future.”

I understand that you have reservations about your daughter walking around with her head in the clouds, which is not always appropriate, or safe. I suggest reminding her to “be in her body.” I often tell my daydream daughter to “put her head in her feet,” when we are out walking. It is a reminder to focus on her feet and her body as she moves through the world. Focus is a popular word in our household. That being said, if we’re not actually in the process of trying to get something done, I let her keep her head in the clouds. It is her opportunity to figure out how the world works—in a safe, protected way.

If your daughter is older (I’m assuming under 8 yrs.), I would make a practice of setting goals with her for what she needs to accomplish. Set some boundaries for her in the real world. That way she can learn to meet her responsibilities and play after work is done. For instance, my 7 yr. old knows the boundaries of our morning routine. She must meet her responsibilities: get breakfast, get dressed, brushed, washed and shoes on ready for school. Once she gets her “work” done, she is free to play or daydream until it is time to go. Now, my daydreamer is often the first one ready in the morning.

Boundaries are a real world boon in a daydream world. Just be sure they aren’t too restrictive, because that time to daydream will only help her to become more creative and better socially adjusted.

Happy flying!

GoodWitch

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Image, SugarPanda @ flickr

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Working Shy at Work Can Work!

November 9, 2009 · 2 Comments

hermit-crab-cove-b1An absentminded CEO, a loud mouth accountant, a painfully shy sales person walk into a work meeting. Yikes. What kind of company is that? Not every job requires sparkling gregariousness, not every job is for everyone. It’s not always about attitude, a quiet climb at work still builds altitude.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’ve always been really smart but always kind of quiet. This isn’t working for me at work. How do I come out of my shell? I want to climb that ladder better.  — Office Crab

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Dear Office Crab,

Check out what we told a shy peer of yours this summer.

Shyness is not a scourge to be “fixed” but another communication style. Soft-shell, don’t focus on your innate way of being in the world as wrong or something that holds you back in life, and it won’t. Instead, right focus on your unique qualities and the values that make you you. Getting along and getting ahead in the workplace are often but not always skills from the same list. I strongly suggest to hyper-truthful with yourself first. You don’t have to share this information with anyone else (especially early on while you’re still forming these thoughts and articulating feelings for yourself), but know yourself and write two columns, one of the things that you would want to do, and the other of the things you would be a bit more sucky at. This isn’t just careers per se, but qualities that make up those job titles, i.e., sales and outgoing usually go together; bookkeeping and detail-oriented, and so on). Then choose the jobs that will support your one and only way of being. Then by all means, break out of your shell and go for it!

I know it’s easier said than done. Here are a couple quickie tips to keep in mind:

1) Feeling safe – make sure your environment (physical as well as office and company culture/ethics support your own boundaries and general sense of non-harm)

2) Companionship/peers – seek out and attract to you others with similar values, or work styles (for best practices), people who have full work/personal lives you would like to emulate. You’d be shocked how many people want their brain picked, just ask!

3) Developing trust – this is meant of others but yourself first. Trust your skills, your ability, your good will, your sense of calm and peace is desperately sought after by many who probably unbeknownst to you, admire your centeredness. Tell yourself the world (your office) is a good place, and you will start seeing more proof than you imagine

4) Growth (and recognition) – as you practice these challenging steps each hour of each day, there will be inevitable growth. Chart it so you can see how far you come in a very short time

5) Challenge yourself – choose one small thing to do outside of your comfort zone each day. This is a goodie for everyone, not just shy folks! Give yourself a day’s theme or idea to “overcome” and work it all day and that evening. I want you to see how much more you’re capable of when you try than you realize by keeping yourself shuttered or feeling “safe” by coloring in your usual lines

6) Rewarding yourself – make sure you treat yourself right, Softshell. There’s no one like you, and you should celebrate this loveliness, not hide or be ashamed of it.

Not like a watched pot: see how long it takes this real and cute tortoise to come out of its shell.

Molt in your own time,

BW

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Dear Office Crab,

Time to come out of your shell! Come on, you’re smart. You must get why the old adage says, “the squeaky wheel gets the oil.” If you’re shy at work, you’re letting other people take the credit for your ideas and initiative.

You want to get ahead? Shine, crabby, shine! It doesn’t matter if you walk to the side or wobble forward. What matters is speaking your mind, sharing your thoughts and allowing your coworkers to see the full picture of what you have to offer. If you don’t show them—tell them through your words and actions—they’ll never know the untapped potential that is sitting in front of them.

You cannot expect your office coworkers, managers and promotion-makers are psychics who can see that inner glow yet to be uncovered. They aren’t and they probably won’t. Don’t be shy! Share that information by speaking up. Start practicing in the mirror. Offer your ideas to yourself in the mirror. Notice: nothing exploded. The ground does not swallow you whole. No one screams out derogatory statements. And none of those things will happen when you speak up in a meeting.

Rehearse sharing your inner world with others. Practice. Practice by chatting with strangers at the grocery store. It’s guaranteed to be a less than 5-minute conversation with someone you need never see again. PERFECT! Stretch your wings by making it a goal to speak up at least once, when appropriate in every meeting. The more you practice, the more natural it will become. The more opportunities you will see and feel—in the moment—to share honestly, wisely, freely.

Yes, you will be scared. You will resist your own first, uncomfortable steps forward. But stick to your resolve. Remember how and why you want to break out of this shell. You already see how you are being held back by your shyness and if you are ready to recognize the issue, you are ready to change the pattern.

Work it!

GoodWitch

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Bad Tipper Comes up Short on Ladies Night

November 5, 2009 · 2 Comments

bad tipYo!, tip to yo mutha. 10%, 15% or 20%? Tipping etiquette: It’s not just a numbers game. When dutch diners don’t agree on what’s appropriate to leave for service, sometimes resentment is one of those dishes best self-served cold.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — There is a group of us that goes out to the same place every Friday night for Happy Hour.  One of the individuals in the group barely leaves a tip.  First of all, it’s rude. And it’s a major embarrassment. We love the place and we worry the waiters and waitresses dread our patronage due to this one “bad tipper.” The good witches in our group are brewing and stewing over this.  Do we confront this individual about proper tipping etiquette or continue tipping extra to make up for her? — Bama Babes

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Dear Bama Babes,

Ladies, I feel your pain. A gal in our group used to fight for the entire table’s check and even though I continually outright told her I was uncomfortable having anyone else pay my bill, she paid the entire group tab insistently. Repeatedly. So I stopped fighting her. I was still uncomfortable but, girlfriend, if you’re going to keep paying for me, then…who am I to insult your graciousness? Very soon, she told me her boyfriend told her that I was not cheap (!!!) but clearly never going to pay for the whole group in turn, so she should stop paying for my individual tab. I protested, “That’s what I said!” Hindsight is 20-20: even though I clearly stated I didn’t want her to pay for me, her mind was focused on everyone taking turns paying for everyone else. Don’t assume, be courageous and communicate. Don’t waste energy hating on or ASS-of-yoU-and-ME your friend knows the rules as you’ve set them out silently in your head(s). Tell her straight up, “Girl. We finally did the math. Our little group loves our Happy Hours so much that we just assumed when we split the bill everyone was paying for what she ate plus her full portion of tip (state a percentage here; why not 20% min as it’s common knowledge that hardworking wait staff work for tips) and tax, too. We think it’s a fair way to go, and represents our group well to all the waiters in town. Just wanted to let you know that’s what the rest of us have been doing. Can and do you agree to the rules the rest of us are playing by?” If she says yes, great — cheers to that for the next time out.

But if she says no, then either happily pay for her tip and unconditionally accept her Howard Huges-ness, or tell your waiter when your group is seated, that her bill is to be presented separately and s/he will have no problem with that. This will help your friend learn about good tipping etiquette and the rules of your group’s friendship, plus leave her “conscience” intact — or at the very least, let the wait staff know your group at large is educated on proper tipping etiquette.

Cheers, babes!

BW

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Dear Bama Babes,

There are times in everyone’s life where they must educate others about proper etiquette. Tipping properly (15% at least) shows an appreciation for the services rendered. And since in most places tips are considered part of overall salary, hourly wages can be as low as $3 per hour because tips are expected to make up the remaining hourly wage.

All in all, your friend not tipping properly either leaves you holding the financial burden or leaves the waitperson under paid. Tips are not extras. This is how waitstaff makes rent. 15% at least is standard tipping etiquette. This is well known. If your friend chooses to do less, than this person needs to be schooled.

I would be very clear about the expectation that each person will tip 15% at least on their bill. Let them know that others have been making up the difference on their skewed tipping scale and that it is not fair. I would remind everyone at the table when the bills arrive. This way the person should step up to the etiquette plate, rather than expecting the rest of the group to make up the difference. The truth is if this person cannot afford the cost of the bill plus 15% tip, they should not be going out with the group in the first place. It should be understood that proper tipping is expected.

My dad used to be a renowned horrid tipper. My sister and I would talk to him about it and then check on the bill whenever he picked up the check to inquire about the tip left. My sister gave him a tip chart to make it all easier, as well as very apparent that we were serious. As a former waitperson, I informed him that tips=rent to waitstaff. I am proud to say that we no longer need to inquire. He always leaves 15% unless service is amazing and deserves 20%.

If the issue is bad service — which it doesn’t sound like from your question — talk to management and have it corrected before the end of your meal. Ask for another server. Good service is included in the package you are paying for as a restaurant patron. But definitely do not keep paying for someone who just needs to be educated. Teach, sistahs, teach!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Behind Bars: Stay at Home Mom Regret?

November 1, 2009 · 1 Comment

crib-prisonWhether rockin’ that cradle or back to working the job, we’ve all had second thoughts about major decisions we’ve made. Sometimes even a good home girl’s just gotta flee the crib to feel herself again.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I recently had a baby and chose to be a stay at home mom. My question is wrapped around guilt, did I shortchange myself, does this mean I don’t love my kids, and then there’s the resentment in my marriage that suddenly shifted to one person having a little more power and decision making. I am just regretting, regretting…everything and nothing!  — Pot of Regret

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Dear Pot of Regret,

Stop beating yourself up! How on Earth could you have known you would not enjoy life as a stay at home mom? You cannot know until you try. Now you just need to balance out what you enjoy about the at home mom role and perhaps balance out a bit of the stay.

You are not shortchanging your kids because you are not June Cleaver. Let’s face it, June probably wasn’t that happy. A valium prescription does not make a good mommy. Figure out what you love and create a schedule that works for you and the family.

When I tried to be a stay at home mom after my first child, I went nuts. I loved my daughter, but by God how many times can you count toes and sing the choo-choo song? I wanted more. I, too, also noticed the slip of spending power out of my hands. “I’m making the money. I should have the final say.” I don’t agree. Neither, I believe would a court, but I digress. For me, there was a general sense of malaise, an idea that my personal worth could be summed up in successful naps and diapers changes. This does not mean I love my kids any less. It does mean, however, I cannot attempt to raise happy kids if I am unfulfilled and unhappy in trying to take care of them.

Part time work or shared jobs that allow you to balance your time away from home are excellent substitutes for this full time stay at home mom routine. And, of course, any work you can do from home (telecommuting) is ideal. But I tell you now it is a challenge to balance phone meetings and crying babies.

In short, stop the regret. Now you have enough information to make a decent decision. Now, pick yourself up. Make a decision about what you want and get started. You as a fulfilled, empowered mom makes for happier, well adjusted children.

Where there’s a will. There is a way,

GoodWitch

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Dear Pot of Regret,

Yo, mama, give yourself a break! You are nose-deep in a sea of changes including new and heightened excitement, hormones, emotions and real world concerns.  What obviously is working for you here is your big brain that is you trying to take care of yourself. Guilt schmilt, this is you thinking things through, considering the angles. Unfortunately you’ve also got that grey noodle working against you in the over-thinking department. Let’s try to get your worries transferred out and some more innate talent promoted here.

First stay calm. You’re in a big change of life, lifestyle and life stage. And then…you’re in the midst of the “life” you had been anticipating for months, but had no experience with – how would you know until you tried? Uncharted territory is often a scary place — three or four of them at once can easily feel like your very own Bermuda Triangle. Separate out all the different aspects of your life and see how you feel about each: woman, wife, mother, and this new employment status. As a woman it’s great you had the opportunity to check out whether you will continue to want to be a stay at home mom. You’ll get to know your child and vice versa – and yourself!, you’re learning on your own curve. This chapter of your life could add to your depth and give your character some texture you couldn’t learn in school. As a wife, you and hubster should honestly discuss your real concerns – especially around the shift in your dynamic. I personally would never enter this shift without voicing my concerns that I need to maintain equal voices in all things financial (whatever that looked like in your relationship before). If your finances are shared equally, this makes this conversation a tad easier. As a new mother you’re learning all sorts of things you didn’t know you had to learn. Both my parents always worked outside the home and I was a latchkey kid early on with a ton of (eyes-on, hands-off “village”) supervision – in me, it nurtured a sense of self-reliance against an unbroken context of love and support. Hope you learn you deserve to be happy somewhere between homeroom and home ec because you’ll impart that lesson to your kids.

Finally, some or none of your situation needs to look like it does today, forever. No need to have or keep regret when you’re still early out on this journey, stay at home mom. Be positive through right focus and happy in this lovely time! Having goals for yourself (examples only: stay at home for first three years; volunteering or going back to school, etc.) yet staying fluid in life is key. No one but you will know best what’s right for you and your family – but you have to be truthful with yourself at each turn. There’s no set map for where you’re going, mama mia.

Go forth, explorer,

BW

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Image, Missy Vix TM

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Sparks! And Happy, Lasting relationships…?

October 29, 2009 · 1 Comment

carkissingCan you keep the red hot flame, or at least a warm fuzzy glow going in your lasting relationship? Is happy possible in long lasting relationships, even if kids are in the mix? What’s the secret ingredient?  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — What’s the secret to a lasting relationship? — Married with Children

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Dear Married with Children,

That’s an easy one! Right up there with What is the meaning of life?, and What is love? While there might not be one formula because there are so many kinds of “success” when it comes to relationships, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops about the best long-term and flowing/non-rigid ones I’ve witnessed.

#1) Be truthful, be open, be kind – don’t rewind. Staying present in all its aspects is primary to attracting and maintaining strong relationships. #2) It’s important to realize that relationships are cyclical and that wonderful “hot burn” up front doesn’t last as such, nor was the brain designed to sustain it, so this is an evolutionary design, not a flaw of your relationship’s. If you’re lucky, the relationship will go longer so it can go deeper and more meaningful. #3) You don’t have to work hard at relationships – real relationships are work! If yours is totally easy peasy breezy — you’ve got a fling, not a lasting partnership. If you get to go longer and deeper, you will inevitably work through the up and down times, the hard and easy cycles, and the hots and cold of long lasting relationships.

Think of your lasting relationship like your Dream Car you finally were able to attain. Once you buy it, admire it on the driveway, lovingly caress it as you roll down the highway, then comes the maintenance and the everyday, mundane upkeep of any normal, gulp!, average car — then comes that work I was yapping about. Oi. Do it, don’t avoid it. Just as you wouldn’t drive your car into the ground, no gas, no oil, neglect basic maintenance and never wash it until cancerous rust popped up, then wonder why one day, it’s dead on the side of the road, you must do basic (preferably loving) maintenance on your lasting relationship.

Tips for more carefree relationship Oil & Lubes:

• touch each other! Hand holding is touching, too

• better bring (and keep) a sense of humor to the party yikes

• listen to what your partner is really saying and needs; if it’s not verbalized, ask

• don’t confuse your financial or other worldly concerns/woes with your relationship itself

• pick your battles; go green by conserving your energy for the important stuff

• be on each others’ side — a winning team

• don’t put others first (or between you) — even your kids!

• the time you spend apart is as important as the time you spend together. Make sure you keep yourself alive and engaged to remain a fully juicy individual. You’ll bring more to your lasting relationship together.

Most of all: have fun! Be friends. Relationships can keep us happy and alive if we remember how to make play of such important work.

Lotsa love from a lifer,

BW

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Dear Married with Children,

The secret to long-lasting relationship? Patience, patience with a good sense of humor, some compassion and more patience.

I may not be the best person to answer this question, as a happily unmarried divorcée, but I can share what I’ve learned through my journey. For instance, no matter what the to-do list, kids, cars, work, home, family and friends need, make the time in your schedules for regular dates. That’s right, dinners out, a walk in the park or maybe even a movie. The truth is it doesn’t matter if you just go to the café down the street, the point is to get just you two out of the house to talk and connect.

This time is invaluable. It gives you the chance to connect with each other on a regular basis away from “you need to do,” statements. It is the chance to let your spirits realign. To set shared goals and dreams. The point is, if you don’t make the time to connect, you may find that you no longer have anything to talk about but the to do lists. And that is the prelude to relationship disaster.

If money is an issue, start a babysitting co-op with friends. I have a group of friends who take turns watching each other’s kids every Friday, which means 3 out of 4 Fridays is date night—no extra babysitting costs, just date night.

Keeping a relationship strong is about putting time into the relationship. Making an effort to accept your partner as they are—from funky socks in the middle of the floor to that one shirt you’d rather burn than ever see them wear again.  Give love more than criticism. Give an ear, a real ear and listen to what your mate has to say. Really celebrate the good times and be that warm cozy hug when things don’t quite work out the way everyone wanted. It’s not about being Buddah. It’s about being as communicative and supportive as you would with your best friend (ladies) and courting your mate even after 10 years, like you didn’t know if you’d get a second or third date (guys).

BTW, did I mention patience? Oh yeah, and good old-fashioned sex, can only help keep the fires burning. But maybe borrow the Karma Sutra from the library and see if there isn’t something new you can try on.  Meet halfway…

Happy Trails!

GoodWitch

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Image @ hubpages.com

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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(post update) What the H1N1 to Do: Vaccine Shortage

October 28, 2009 · Leave a Comment

H1N1vaccineIn our September 10th post ‘Swine Flu, What the H1N1 to Do?’ we reported the CDC was on track to roll out vaccines by mid-October as planned. Since then, there has been a shortage that has frustrated many people. Here’s what CDC head, Director Tom Frieden is saying.

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Image, AP photo, M. Spencer Green

 

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Work Life Balance Tug o’ War

October 26, 2009 · 1 Comment

work.life.tugowarObsessed!, or healthily in love with your work? If it could, would your job be running open-armed to meet you every day, or would it be seeking a restraining order to keep you at least 50 feet away? Are you a bona fide work ninja or…just a work nut?  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I love my job. How do I get my family and friends to stop bugging me to lessen my travel, shorten my work hours, and stop “living through my work”? They don’t seem to appreciate how much I love my job! I feel like I’m getting all my other life responsibilities met, and no complaints there. I just want them off my back about something so important to me. — Worked up, Not Tied Down

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Dear Worked Up/Not Tied Down,

I get your passion, you living Almodovar movie! Just realize that not everyone has had the experience of actually enjoying going to their job to the point of even thinking happily about going back to work when they’re on vacation. When I’ve been so into my work, some friends openly expressed disbelief. When you truly, madly, deeply love what you’re doing, then you actually want to keep doing it — and this sense of purpose is a joy, and not in the least laborious. Recognize and avoid work addiction, let’s talk about the other side of this same coin: balance. Although I totally know firsthand what you describe isn’t just some urban myth, let’s just make sure you are living and working in balance, and not under-employing your wellness or self, otherwise.

You’re probably tied down and out of balance if:

• you constantly work unlimited hours

• try to be good at everything and are compulsively competitive about everything

• you don’t take care of yourself, health, or your relationships

• other people’s praise, your pay, title, or other externals mean more to you than your own inner sense of accomplishment and peace

You’re most likely worked up in balance if:

• you make time for your work and personal lives consistently

• you are passionate about your contribution, not just the cache of the job or paycheck

• have and maintain supportive relationships at work and home

• you were independently wealthy you would chose to do what you do for free, and keep striving to improve yourself on this free job for the joy of personal growth

As long as you’re not obsessed, it is possible to work and live in balance! Keep your eye on the Big Picture and that includes how your personal life is benefiting from this job you spend so many hours (physically and/or mentally) focused on. Make sure to make time for yourself – my currency was my time and so I literally contracted what hours I would be in and out on my average day to guarantee my workouts, creative time, and household admin got equal time. I was far more effective during work hours (which only added to my perceived brilliant aura, yo!) and people (including clients, snap!, oh yes I did say that) respected my boundaries of time and other accommodations of them. Keep growing by challenging yourself — including making sure you are doing all this in balance of your body-mind-spirit…which show up in the health of our relationships, as well. Work to keep evolving.

Work it, career sherpa!

BW

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Dear Worked Up,

Well, clearly you love your job and, frankly, there is no fault in that. The issue lies in whether you have stepped over the line into obsession. Work life balance isn’t just about “getting other life responsibilities met.” It’s about finding fulfillment in work and at home, but it seems that your love of work has eclipsed the joy of everyday living.

I’m not saying you should enjoy work less, because that would be insane. To have a job that you love spending your time doing is a blessing. It is clear that you love your job. However, if you do not find the same joy available in your relationships and the challenges of everyday living, you are missing out on the blessings that actually turn the wheel of life. Remember, no matter how much you love your job, it will not take care of your emotional needs. Your job will not take care of you if you should get sick (beyond healthcare and perhaps sick pay or workers comp). But friends, family and loved ones will be there to support you through even your darkest days, if you put in the time and energy for them now.

As much as you love your job, what if you lost it? What would you do? How would you spend your time, beyond looking for a new job? Would you allocate more time toward your relationships? If someone in your family or a close friend were to suddenly pass away, would you feel like you had used your time together wisely?

When friends and family are telling you is that there is concern that you are using more than 70% of your energy on work. That would leave you with 30% (or less) of your energy for home, bills, friends, family and self-exploration and growth. That is a tall order on 30% of energy, which would only be available to you on the best of days. Daily stressors like traffic, deadlines, family “advice” can leave you with much less. Soon, you are “getting responsibilities not met” but not well. Bills may be paid on time but friends fall away, personal calls are not returned and personal growth is left for someone else to do.

I’m not suggesting you give up your job, but perhaps slowly practicing redirecting your energy towards personal life. Spend a little extra energy towards the friends and family that are giving your grief. Go out to dinner. Have a raucous girl’s night out with a few friends you haven’t seen in awhile. Give a little to the people who care about you. Relationships are not only the most satisfying components of a life, they can extend your life, reduce stress. Do the work to move past the work obsession to actual work LIFE balance. Remember, all work and no play…

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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A Good Off Key Diva Is a Divine Musical Wonder!

October 22, 2009 · Leave a Comment

frill3When you sing do people hit the car radio and go What’s the matter with this thing?, or ask if you’re tone deaf? Whether on-key or off Broadway, it’s our unalienable right and duty to get our Inner Barbra-liciousness out there. From an 1801 Beethoven letter on his increasing deafness, “…How sad is my lot, I must avoid all things that are dear to me.”   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — When I think of auditioning for a show in our local theater, instead of thinking of singing and how much I love it and the joy it gives me, I hear my sister’s voice from when we were kids to teenagers telling me, “You can’t sing! Stop embarrassing yourself.” How do I get out of the shower and take my singing on the road? — Wannabe Diva

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Dear Wannabe Diva,

It’s the GWBW law. Get on that stage, clear out those those pipes and swing out sistah! It’s your real voice that counts here – not your (actual) sister or anyone else’s whining. Here’s me lip syncing a smart quote for ya, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” I am an optimistic realist, so unless you actually are hopelessly tone deaf and hellbent on a recording contract, then I say, darlin’!, get out your creative licks, send the world a loud and clear message of your being from your gut, and open up that orangelicious, creative 2nd chakra of yours!

I want to share a metaphorical story that happened to me when I saw your email (I don’t believe in coincidences). I’m naturally athletic and have lightly trained to stay in shape since I was a teenager — back in the cave days. So any injuries tended to heal right up and I was back out there in no time. I gratefully have no “practice” with, and am not used to “being injured.” Last October, I suffered some ubiquitous, non-specific sports injury that screwed up my shoulder something awful. I couldn’t raise my arm over my head, I couldn’t pull down my driver’s side seatbelt with that arm! I iced, heated, rehabbed, massage therapied and chiropractored it, all to small but no significant healing. Finally I discovered a guy I lovingly call my Chewish (acupuncture) guru. This mentsh is also a Tai chi master. His philosophy of Go with the Flow, and constant gentle reminders as we’d rehab, “Remember. It’s just pain. What injured you can’t hurt you any more. Don’t hold your shoulder back anticipating and protecting yourself from what can’t actually hurt you anymore!” were just what I needed. I healed — no pain, most range returned — after six (6!!) months, but only a month after meeting him. Yesterday when your mail came in, I heard his voice last saying, “…and one day, who knows, it might just go POP!, and get right with itself into full function. Don’t force it, keep working with the flow, not against the “pain,”” and…POP!, girl, something gave and it never felt this good in a long, long time. That last teeny iota of range literally popped back in place and — I’m baaaacckk!

With your obvious joy and innate love for singing, never let old insults hold you back from healing, and don’t anticipate pain and hold yourself back from fully expressing the Real You, you divine Diva!

Rock it,

BW

==

Dear Wannabe Diva,

If you love to sing and you’re ready to take your show on the road, start off small and test out your chops. You clearly love music and love to sing, give yourself a test drive BEFORE trying out for the musical. The best way to shake off “off key” comments is to prove them wrong—to and for yourself.

Siblings can be cruel, especially when you are young. That your sister said that does not mean she even remembers saying it. She may have said it in the moment to make you feel bad, as kids will sometimes do—especially to siblings—and not really meant it or believe it. But here you are years later shrinking in your glory because of some comment made years ago. Listen, even if she was right, that was YEARS ago. Everything else about you has changed, why not your voice too?

If you’ve been singing regularly in the shower you’ve been taking care of your voice box. Not only do you improve your musical ability by practicing often, but you are regularly practicing in a nice steamy environment that is soothing to the throat. The work you’ve done in the shower has probably strengthened and improved your voice considerably.

So, don’t let the off-key past and move onto a musical future. Start in the present by stretching your comfort level of singing in public. Clearly, you are apprehensive about singing in front of others and what other negative judgments may be headed your way. So, break the stage fright. Tell some of the people you feel close to that you are testing out the public singing waters. Sing for friends. Sing with friends. Try out some karaoke. You can feel comfortable knowing you are singing in front of a group of strangers. You know everyone won’t sound good. In this environment you can get into the fun of singing in public without quite all the pressure of an audition or carrying a musical production.

As you get more comfortable, you’ll be ready to disprove your sisters’ childhood jibe. If the off key comment is still clogging your throat, then I can only suggest some meditations to release the charge from past memories (Chapter 4). You don’t have to be controlled by past hurts. You really can neutralize memories through guided visualization, so that you can see the present clearly for what it is. The present does not have to be overshadowed by the past. You don’t have to view today through the lens of hurts from yesterday. It’s a new day. Stand up and sing!

Happy Singing!

GoodWitch

==

Image: Charlotte Newson

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Phat Girls: Skinny, Overweight & In-between

October 19, 2009 · 6 Comments

sizezeroDM_468x455Can One Size ever Fit All, and if not, why is our society so thin-centric? If More is Better in money, smarts and success, why isn’t more to love mo’ bettah?? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I am size 14 and work in the Junior’s department. I’m on commission and I realize I’m not making as much as some of the “skinny girls” in the department. When I talked to my co-worker about changing my shift, she suggested I lose some weight. WTF? Do I have to lose weight to be successful? — A Queen Like Latifah

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Dear Queenie,

When “success” is defined by ‘Never too rich, never too thin’-thinking, that’s the problem. Not your weight (but whether girls or girlz, wellness first). This sort of thinking is fraught with judgments of what’s supposedly universally good and bad, and extremely self-limiting for those who buy into it. And none of that even touches on the fact that at size 14, you are the average American woman’s size! — and that Junior Plus starts at size 16. Can she say Miss Informed a little louder?

You sweet juicy Pear, I like how you functionally and quickly identified the most likely probability, and came to a solution right away. Big ups on the maturity and self-responsibility you exhibit. Lean on your instincts to figure out a workaround that works for you — and (aside from putting your health and wellness first) don’t buy into her misguided smugness, or fear, or well-intended advice. The only thing you did “wrong” here was to talk to a Banana who just doesn’t seem to appreciate your brilliance. While we can’t immediately change the problem inherent in the fashion industry behind Junior departments (odd sizes from 0-19) of America, we can all try to become more constantly open-eyed and -mind aware of the insidious nature of media images on the development and (self-esteem) stunting of young girls and women, and the often resulting cock-eyed self-images, and societal prejudice they produce.

Media isn’t going to go away – nor would this media junkie, ever want it to! One way I consistently personally recommend to avoid becoming a media zombie, is to train ourselves and children to become critical thinkers. This vital skill is woefully and ironically underrepresented in our schools, and long before all the current education systems to-the-bone budget cuts. Critical thinking saves!, and is certainly not for university students and eggheads only but should be taught as young a possible as a way to ascend the chaos.

You go on with your gorgeous, smart, thinking and self-believing identity, Queen Pear! Admire all your full glory nakedness in a full-length mirror and hug and thank your curves, sweetie. There’s so much of you to love on so many levels, right? It’s your job to keep on showing your real self (including your insecurities as you work on losing the weight of those) to the world — not an option to hide any aspect of your radiant self from the world.

Self-love & wellness,

BW, a Strawberry

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Dear Queen,

No, girl, you do not have to be some Skinny Minny to get ahead! Just like Queen Latifah has put forward a new definition of sexy, so can you. Carry yourself with confidence that doesn’t wane. You’re not overweight. You’re Phat!

Now, that said, if you feel your weight may be posing health risks, like increasing likelihood of diabetes or slowing you down because you can’t catch your breath when walking up a flight of stairs, that’s not sexy. Those may be the signs to drop a few pounds—for you. If, however, you’ve got Queen Latifah’s curves and are styling and carrying yourself like a Queen, other people will treat you like one. But if you feel “less than” because you are comparing yourself to skinny co-workers, then neither customers or coworkers will treat you with less than the respect you deserve.

Go in there, looking good with your head held high. Show customers you know how to put together great outfits. Size does not have to matter, even in Juniors. Want some inspiration? I suggest watching Monique’s Phat Girlz. It’s not the greatest movie, but it is an inspirational look at putting aside society’s view of weight and taking on self-confidence and self-love. Good and good for you. Another great show, Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime. This show looks at the re-birth of a model into the body of a previously downtrodden Plus Size attorney. The great part of the show for me was watching the transformation from downtrodden to banging. No she didn’t diet or lose weight, she just brought her Covergirl attitude to a Plus Size body—and a diva is born.

Let your Covergirl reign supreme! Work the products in your department to look styling and of the moment. If you know how to work the merchandise, you’ll be a hit with customers. Let’s face it, everyone shopping there is not a size 2. Go ahead and show how you can work the looks and many, many customers will come to you to show them how to work it too. I know you’ve got the goods, cause you’re a queen and you claim it. Work that style and claim the rest of your confidence. Remember, sometimes bigger is better!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image: DailyMail.co.uk

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Bad Child! Drawing the Line in the Discipline Sandbox

October 15, 2009 · Leave a Comment

chucky.momsback…Or, When Good Kids Make a Parent Wanna Go Bad. Can you do better than your own parents did and discipline without being a dictator? Don’t worry!, your little Chucky will eventually grow up…or at least get older.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My child… I try to be an accepting parent. I don’t want to be the disciplinarian that my father was. But my oldest child, 8, is consistently pushing the limits. If I say, “Your shoe should not be on the roof of my car,” he will move his foot a quarter inch and say, “It’s not on the roof.” Does he not care about my word (and my feelings) or is this just being a kid? And where’s the line between lenient and hard ass? — Through the Roof

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Dear Roofie,

And…this is why I have a cat. When I was your son’s age I already knew that I inherently lacked the depth and breadth of patience that is required to do justice to the parenting profession (I was the weird kid who liked how her imperfect parents parented, always knew where she was because of her parents’ vision for us, and clear and unwavering (not rigid) mission for our family; no need to reinvent that wheel). Even though many try it, it’s not for wimps or dabblers, and that may be the only hard and fast fact of parenting. So, hats off to you. I just want to say, Roofie, that you might be harder on yourself than your child’s misbehavior is. If I went to Vegas, I’d bet you do an awesome job more days than not, just going on the scenario described. If your smart (maybe bored/underchallenged?) son’s taunting feet where they don’t belong is the level of bad things he does, then just keep doing what you’re doing. Save your sanity and hurt feelings by picking and choosing your “fights” judiciously. Less nitpicking (or reacting) also helps the real lesson messages stand out and carry more weight.

Kids learn by discovering their limits of all kinds. Here your son sounds like he’s just testing your limits (he’s testing mine!, I told you…) and how far he can push you — very normal and in balance, healthy developmental behavior for his age. But, mama if this becomes a pattern, then you should examine whether you’re being consistent with your rules and discipline and tone so that he will instinctively know to take your word seriously, or maybe your son’s not a very adept lessons picker upper. Some great, smart kids are like that!

Help your kids become more self-reliant: 1) be clear and specific with your expectations, acknowledgement and disappointment (and these should be age-appropriate at all their ages); 2) treat them as individuals, not competing at your or anyone else’s abilities; 3) give them options for “make goods” with you so they will get used to thinking through their own actions/consequences and make better decisions sooner. Be consistent.

Lastly, don’t worry about being like or unlike your parents — you’re already aware enough that you already do parent your way — the cosmic humor of the Universe guarantees that soon enough you will find things coming out of your mouth you used to roll your eyes at when your parents said them to you.

As Captain Sully Sullenberger says that for the bulk of his hero-producing life, “I ate my vegetables, I did my homework,” and he is sure that the landing of Flight 1549 “didn’t just happen. It was the result of decades of hard work.” Uh, consistency?, yup! Being a good kid, a good parent, and a solid citizen all result from a commitment renewed daily to one step at a time good habits-forming mundane which produces genius.

Show them how to become their own best parent,

BW

P.S. The societal bent to “blame the mother” irks me. However useless or brilliant your son turns out as an adult, is not all to your blame or credit. The individual can be imprinted upon, but not entirely programmed.

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Dear Through the Roof,

You know, I know your pain. I think the crux of your question lies in the difference between parenting and discipline. Though boundary testing, you may not have a bad child who needs discipline. It sounds like you have a smart, inquisitive child who needs parenting.

Intelligent children understand that there are different rules for parents and kids, but they understand adults do still have rules. So at every stage of growth they test the boundaries to see how far they have stretched now that they are a bit older, a bit more responsible. When the child finds out that the rules would disallow stretching the feet up to the ceiling, thy pull back an inch to see if that is allowed.

Parenting in this situation would include talking to your child. Why you don’t want footprints on the ceiling of your car. Let your child know that the repercussions are for footprints on the ceiling, i.e. cost for detailing, how much that would equate to in allowance loss (ex., 4 weeks allowance), loss of privileges for disrespecting family property, etc.

Of course, a strict disciplinarian may believe instilling fear by raising the voice, expressing extreme disappointment or frustration and then leveling the punishment. First mistake earns punishment so the child knows not to do it again. But then we are teaching our children to tamp down their sense of adventure, their sense of testing boundaries. If testing boundaries immediately brings up image of crime & punishment, how likely are they to test boundaries and push themselves to try more and do more, later in life?

Parenting is giving your child the tools to judge for themselves what is right and what is wrong. Allowing them to decide if the punishment is worth doing the crime or when you should just leave well enough alone. The greatest minds of humanity were able to judge for themselves when to test the boundaries and get the bad child label. In some instances, they changed the world. CoCo Chanel, Albert Einstein, Leonardo DiVinci were all rebellious freethinkers who challenged the rules—and we’re all happier because they did.

Children can be trying. They’re awesome, fun, ingenious, creative, goofy and funny too. Appreciate your child as a little free thinker. Then be clear about where the boundaries of good behavior lie and, like cause and effect, what happens if the rules are broken. If he continues to push your button, say hello to rebel who has slipped over the line to bad child. Bring down the discipline. Follow through with punishments laid out in the parenting stage of events. If your wee one is checking out how sturdy the boundaries are, bring on the hard-ass. As I tell my kids, “at this stage you must want the punishment, because you put a lot of time, energy and focused intent on achieving it. Who I am to deny you.”

Remember to smile and take some breaks for yourself too. Parenting may be rewarding, but it ain’t easy.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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