Good Witch / Bad Witch

Joy! When Depression is Too Depressing

February 8, 2010 · 1 Comment

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Sadness can be valuable, but when repeated, again, still…stuck…it’s depressing. Literally. Trying UnSad.     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I don’t know what to do with my life. I look fine and am functioning (healthy and pay my bills and have a few close friends), but I think I’m kind of getting depressed. I don’t have anything to be depressed about! WTF?  — Which Way?

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Dear Which Way,

Depression can be caused by many things—from nutritional imbalances to lack of goals, i.e. something to strive for. I cannot say, of course, what is causing this downturn in your outlook, but I can offer some suggestions that are known serotonin producers.

Remind yourself each day of the many blessings present in your life. Keep a gratitude journal and list 10 blessings you experience each day. I suggest writing out your list each night before you go to sleep and then re-reading them each morning. In this way you train your brain to look for the positive in your life before you go to sleep and you start your day by again reminding yourself of the blessings you have received. In this way you are training your brain towards positivity. Seeing the glass half full becomes a habit, and thereby more automatic.

Adding certain foods to your diet can boost your mood. Foods high in tryptophan, like turkey or cashews creates GABA (a calming hormone) and serotonin (a happy-making hormone) in the brain. In other words, you can eat yourself to a better outlook. Pineapple, milk (the more whey proteins the better), Omega 3s ) found in salmon and other fish), and B vitamins (spinach, kale) will all help. Naturally.

The field of orthomolecular medicine offers much more information about nutrition to affect mood. By discovering what nutritional imbalances may exist (most Americans have butritioal imbalances) you can adjust your diet to better balance proper nutrition and, thereby, assist in balancing emotions. We all know not eating can lead to very bad moods. Now imagine some chronic depletion, like magnesium, over the course of a few months or years. Bad mood ensues. Ask your physician for a blood work up to determine if there are any chemical imbalances which can be turned around with a change in diet.

Otherwise the best offense against depression is a good defense. Delve into alternative and complementary therapies like Reiki, massage or meditation, to open yourself to a broader interpretation of life and what is possible. StillSitting.NET offers an introduction to meditation, more information on mood boosting foods and breathwork exercises that can bring you back to ground zero so you can lift your spirits from there.

Don’t settle for “this is as good as it’s going to get.” And don’t think there’s a magic happy pill that will take the blues away. The truth is depression is very real. It is your spirit telling you that it is unsatisfied. Begin to give yourself the tools to come back. Part is changing habits and part is faking it, till you make it. But as one who has bounced back from depression by doing the transformative work necessary—like changing diet, habits and looking at what my soul was unsatisfied with and then affecting the change—I know happier days are possible. In fact, highly possible if you take control of your life

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Which Way,

To say being “sad” is all in your head is not necessarily that far from the truth. It’s natural and helpful to feel sad when events call for that emotional response, but if we don’t recognize, feel, address and do something to change the situation, chronic sadness can become depression, and that partially (psyche and the spirit, too) takes residence in the brain.

Here are some practical Sadness Fighting body-mind-spirit Tips:

~ Bright light (they don’t call it seasonal affective disorder — SAD — for nothing!), any one especially halogen lights will help lift your mood and help create happy hormones in your brain especially during the winter season

~ Move! Exercise and moving your body of any sustained kind helps lift your mood. Moving helps circulation, muscle stimulation/growth and…again with releasing the happy hormones

~ A banana a day keeps the shrink away. The potassium in bananas positively affects (and effects) serotonin production in the brain

~ Be down with joy! The BadWitch take on “Fake it ‘Till You Make it.” Honey. Seriously. There’s wisdom in the old show tune that says when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you. You can (and do) have reflected back to you a world and energy that you put out — why not want, desire happiness and wellbeing which support you positively in turn when reflected back to you by others

~ Laugh! That we freak ourselves out over and over about the same things is indeed keeping the gods in stitches. Take a more humorous big view of things

~ Be responsible for your joy. A solid philosophy of financial planning is a good one for life in general, and getting out of your doldrums. 1) Control what we can control, and; 2) eliminate surprises as much as possible. I know these are trying times for everyone. Everybody feels worn down. “Problems” (that produce sadness) aren’t solved by fretting about fretting (again recognize, feel, embrace it but don’t give yourself permission to become stuck there). The only things we can control, should be! They include: our general attitude, sense and follow-through of responsibility (to ourselves and others in our lives appropriately), and most importantly and the thing all other things hinge on: the quality of our thoughts.

These are tough days, no denying that. Feel your feelings fully, try these Tips. Next thing you know, you’ll be feeling less non-specifically sad and more energized by the day to fund the energy to do something more specific about its source.

Have you hugged your Body’s Wisdom today?,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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The Stress Smell of Revenge

February 4, 2010 · 2 Comments

When we are wronged by an old friend, how can we right ourselves again? Releasing the self-imposed stress of wanting to strike back .     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Someone who I thought was an old friend really did me wrong. I can’t stop these thoughts of revenge in my head.    — Cold Dish

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Dear Cold Dish,

Punishment! Payback! Revenge! While they make for a cool poster, are a lot better suited for the movies and soap operas than real life where that sweet taste is a shot, but a hole in the gut lasts forever. Why stress yourself giving yourself an ulcer when you can Go Green! (ok so yeah, lower case), and recycle that same energy into healing, improving and growing yourself? Believe me, this is the more sustainable model.

There’s no pain like the pain of deceit a trusted former friend can dole out. This alone makes the healing and self-improvement an uphill trek. But hiking uphill builds strong legs, lungs and buns of steel. Work on your emotions in the same way: build a foundation of unflinchingly truthful self-knowledge (did you somehow contribute to this betrayal, if not, what would your ex-friend’s motive be to hurt you?); steely resolve to learn something about yourself from this incident (like how you hurt – your hot buttons can reveal to yourself your most unhealed emotions), or how you knew something about your friend but maybe hid that truth from yourself (what payoff/need did having this person fulfill in your life?), etc.); and the life-sustaining ebb and flow of acceptance of things as they are and self-reliance (not the same as isolated). Surround yourself with true friends and family who appreciate and can support you in your growth and thriving. Remember who you really are.

Finally, sweet Cold Dish, I think you’ll be doing yourself a favor (and shortcut) to turn and face how much this old friend hurt you. Grieve. There’s a good deal of mourning your situation (and our culture at large) appears not to have embraced yet. There’s a gaping hole where there was once something very important to you and your life. Take the time to really recognize, mourn its absence, thank it for the gift it was (when it was and what it actually gave you), and let it go.

Divine it is to forgive, Yoda,

BadWitch

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Dear Cold Dish,

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most painful experiences possible. You put your trust and faith into another person and they betray that trust through actions and/or words. Not fair. But maybe you’ve heard—revenge never helped anyone.

Truth is, thinking revenge-thoughts is perfectly sane. Most people when faced with betrayal will think horrible Carrie-esq revenge thoughts. You may envision horrible disfiguring or fatal accidents too. Again, sane. Now, taking any of those thoughts into the 3-D, insane, psychotic and, quite possibly, criminal.

So, let the revenge thoughts simmer for another day or so and then, move on. Pick yourself up and ask yourself the hardest question of all: How did I contribute to this situation. Were you too forthcoming with someone who had already showed you they were not trustworthy? Did you chose to remain blind to the signs of betrayal early on and dig yourself in deeper? Are there ways you can recover, rebound and safeguard yourself against these mistakes in the future—without closing off yourself from future relationships?

Forgiveness is just around the corner. Forgiveness does not mean to forget what happened. But stop the acid of hate and revenge running through your veins as soon as possible. You are only brewing up illness, stress and paranoia by keeping the un-forgiveness and revenge going. Unfriend them at Facebook. Change the name in your cell phone to ALERT (or something you feel may be more appropriate) so you can cancel any incoming calls from their number and move on with your life.

Chalk it up to experience. Realize this person has offered you the gift of a transformational lesson. Use this experience as a springboard yourself into a more alive, compassionate person. Use this lesson to grow more into the amazing person you are. That is the best revenge. The loss, the forfeit, the crappy karma is all theirs. Let the Universe sort out the punishment. Focus on your rewards. Even the darkest moments have brightness to offer us if we are willing to look into the blackness. Look. There’s a better, freer you on the other side.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Legal Schmegal, Homegrown Discrimination in HR

February 1, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Putting the Human in HR. Face it. Talking smack against religion or race — there’s an app(etite) for that in some people.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW —I work in HR and while it’s illegal for us to ask job applicants their race or religion, I get to overhear one of my colleagues vent her prejudice against a certain religion (there’s a lot of them in our building for some reason) every day. Should I tell her to stop before someone else hears and gets her in a lot of trouble, or just keep my own mouth shut?  — Freed Mind

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Dear Freed Mind,

You are on the right track by telling your colleague to hold her tongue. Truth is, her comments could trigger a discrimination lawsuit. Deriding comments about a particular sect of protected people—say, like a religion—can be considered harassment and/or discrimination under the right circumstances.

Imagine the following: some member of this religion is up for a promotion. This person has the seniority and qualifications for the promotion, but in the end a colleague with less time at the company, but more raw talent is selected. The selection was fair and understandable. However, the person from this religion, with feelings hurt, hears some comment first-hand or third or fourth hand, doesn’t really matter. They hear, feel the lost promotion was motivated by the company’s discriminatory feelings about their religion. After all, the person accused of saying heinous, biased comments works in HR for the company. What follows? Expensive litigation, your friend’s termination and a possible scouring of HR so the company can show a “fresh” face.

So, I would speak up, sooner rather than later. Pull her aside and have a heart-to-heart that may save her job. If you aren’t speaking up, you are complicit in the crime. You are helping to create a hostile atmosphere. Don’t think not saying anything absolves you. Putting your head in the sand on this one could cause you your job, and if there’s enough buzz around the whole issue in the press, could taint your career.

There are no borders in the world anymore. We must learn to be respectful of people who look differently, think differently, believe differently, talk differently, worship differently. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddists, Pagans—every religion has suffered persecution for believing what they believe. Tell your colleague to evolve. Heresy doesn’t really exist and no one gets burned at the stake anymore.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

P.S. Document everything for your job safety. Comments said by whom with a date—including a brief on your conversation. You may never need to refer to it, but if you do, you’ll be more than a little happy to have your evidence right there.

P.P.S.-I’m proud of you for doing the right thing.

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Dear Freed Mind,

The adage Loose Lips Sinks Ships came from WWII concerns about overheard communications sinking US subs. These days, we should all be even more concerned with texting or other electronic gossiping which has greater potential to leave your co-worker’s control than even her own bad judgment already does.

Be clear I’m not advocating discrimination of any sort, but as long as your company promotes and observes legal non-discriminatory employment practices, there’s little you can do about how an employee thinks, and as described, hers is more a case of gossip than discrimination. Why bother saying “she should know better” because of course she does. And that it’s natural that all humans are prejudiced about something or someone(s), is a given. Then there are the studies on gossip that reflect an arc of things about your co-worker’s personality (from dominance levels to stress relief). Who knows what if anything this group (or member) did to her, or whether their ilk actually did merit her wrath (! Not excusing her behavior.). So if it’s not her ignorance or human frailty — and we can’t know the “story” (she tells herself) about this group — then the girl just got on that track where the train goes in a circle. She’s enjoying her own ride, and she can’t get off Destination No Where.

It’s unlikely she’ll hear your concern at this point in her professional development, so I think you could jump right to telling her that you find her talk offensive and/or suicidal given the make up of the peers you describe. Or if you can’t muster that, tell her your parents are converting to religion X so could she please stop talking about them in front of you and your evolved sensibilities?

We all go through different faces and degrees of these sorts of things at some point/arena in our development. Some of us grow up (from the gossiping bit). But not often by others telling us to. And as you can see, you can’t truly legislate acceptance. At the very least tell this already-informed caboose conductor to stop yakking about this in front of you (then make sure you don’t partake in any form when she does), and then stand behind the yellow platform line and see if she finds the brakes or derails.

Next stop, disembark,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Charity of the Heart. A Donation or Fundraising for Every One

January 28, 2010 · 2 Comments

What if you want to give back but don’t have or want to donate cash or your time? Reaching out and touching someone’s life.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Now that I have more down time (looking for work, but I’m not fiscally strapped), I would like to finally get around to giving back. My problem is I don’t really like groups and don’t see myself volunteering. I already know how to give money, what else can someone like me do?  — Sort of Giving

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Dear Sort of Giving,

That’s aswesome. I love that a “giving spirit” can still be embodied in someone who isn’t Warren Buffett or overly social. Caring comes in many packages. Nice modeling, Sort of Giving.

Face time and money are only two needs agencies and causes could do with — and don’t forget the old adage: Charity starts at home. Do you have any elderly, incapacitated or just-needs-a-hand neighbors or friends/family who you could help? That’s not just “a favor” given the average time-strapped schedule….or fear of “meddling.” Ask briefly, try to be consistent with the efforts.

I bet your skills list is still an untapped source of wealth that you can dip into and share from. Maybe you’re great at IT or something domestic (e.g., baking/for profits or pleasure or cooking for sustenance, sewing/mending and costumes, or similar like running errands for lots of folks or just one at a time in your vehicle), or bookkeeping/accounting or other fundamentally important administrative function necessary to keep any organization running smoothly. Organizing or coordinating are big time skills that someone’s supplies closet, computer file systems, or committees could use. Coordinating rides to doctors or mall walks for seniors/patients/any special interest group could be a godsend to overworked, understaffed folks. Would even putting in one more hour of what you do for a living for someone gratis would kill ya?, then check out your neglected hobbies and interests. Can you get bike rides, kite flies or hikes going? Enjoy reading? Could you use Garage Band or some other software to record some book podcasts for groups’ libraries and just give them to them?

Loosen up your Thinking Cap’s grip on your right brain and storm up your own godgiven talents, and then hands to it. It’s a direct path to your great heart that’s just waiting to be shared. Just start!

Share yourself,

BadWitch

P.S. Haiti.

Find charitable relief you can trust.

http://www.crushitcharity.com/.

This Animal Whisperer says don’t forget the animals of Haiti.

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Dear Sort of Giving,

In the immortal words of Vince Vaughn, “I like where your head is at!”

Giving takes many forms and does not only mean writing a check or hammering nails and giving out food. Donation and volunteering can take on many forms, but they all start with someone just wanting life to be a little more bearable for those who could use a hand.

You can give back by standing up for what you know is right. By supporting political action you can lend your voice to causes that you care about . Signing petitions online from reputable organizations like Feeding America, MoveOn.org, ACLU can help further legislation that can makes a difference. Sign up to receive email alerts and you can easily decide which campaigns deserve your signature and which do not—from the ease of your computer. Stopping in the grocery store parking lot to sign the petition to help groups get their legislation on the ballots helps shape the country live in through the prescribed channels set down by our forefathers. You as democracy in action can help change the world. And truly, every voice, every signature, every vote counts.

There are ways to volunteer without jumping into the middle of the crowd. Can you do some shopping? Buy some clothes for kids? SleepTrain Help Foster Children program has drives to collect kids’ clothing throughout the year. Sponsor a child through organizations like Save the children [link: Savethechildren.org] or Children Incorporated and watch how you improve a child’s life, health and education. A good friend of mine sponsored a child in Venezuela. She corresponded with the child and even went to visit. She felt like she was able to be that mentor/distant aunt who helped shape a more promising future for a little soul.

Now, of course, there is another avenue, we have not yet discussed. You are seeking work. Why not mix business and pleasure? Working for a non-profit whose work you believe in will allow you to use your skills to make money and help improve conditions in the world around you. Review the job board at Opportunity Nocs and see if this urge to give back may not be a call towards a new road of employment.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Roomie Respect! Vegan vs. Smoking Cocktail Swiller

January 25, 2010 · 13 Comments

In this corner weighing in at no animal protein products, ittttt’s Vegan Vitto! In this corner defending titleholder, Glam & the City! Can roomies with seemingly conflicting lifestyles live successfully under one landlord?     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a new roomie who’s really nice but is a total vegan and yoga nutcase. I like to drink, smoke my ciggies, and eat out (I don’t do drugs). We get along just fine, but I don’t think we approve of each other’s lifestyles. Can a veghead and a smoking carnivore get along under the same roof?  — War of the Roomies Avoider

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Dear Roomie war avoider,

How the heck did you two come together? It can sometimes be tough enough to live with people we love, share commonalities with…but I know when it comes to making the rent, we can do a lot more than we’d guess, if we set our minds and grit to it. Here’s what comes to mind immediately:

• Set some house rules – most especially around food storage and other territorial netherlands. Start with comparing your separate deal breaker lists, and working down to the Would Likes. Oh and of course you may find you can live together under one roof, but you will have to smoke somewhere else, most likely.

• Be respectful as you wanna be respected – this includes a brief and mutual head/life re-orienting time; check in weekly on progress and to air concerns (your case has high potential for stuffing feelings down, don’t). If you do the above robustly, this part should come more naturally for both of you — but I would do definitions here, like, “When I say X, I mean (fill in the blank specifically as you can articulate each).”

• Share an outing – If you can successfully navigate #s 1 and 2 above, Pass Go and Collect $200 by trying to see if you can come up with and share an easy, low maintenance outing like a coffee/green tea, a walk, or even eating out. This civility is only meant to help shine light on the commonalities of your lives towards lessening the differences. If you two become actual friends, even better!

Hmm, you kinda have a lot of potential for cool and expanding experience here. If you both consistently focus on that as being a mutual goal — and do the work — your communications will likely come smoother, less haltingly mindful, and eventually easier. Learning how to communicate and live with people we’re different from on the surface could even begin to teach us how to be more at home with truest selves…whoa, now that’s cool.

Strawberry fields forever,

BadWitch

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Dear War of the Roomies Avoider,

What can I say, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.” I realize that your two lifestyles are very different, but judging one another is not the way to peaceful cohabitation. I also realize that some deep personal beliefs may come into play, but in the end, we are all just trying to get through this life thing. Making your roomie wrong because of seemingly austere vegan ways is not the way.

RESPECT! Respect does not mean expecting others to bend their wills to fall in line with what you believe is the best way to live your life. Respect is allowing for each person to be as they are and finding, if not acceptance, then understanding. For instance, perhaps out of respect for your roommate’s virgin lungs, you might smoke your ciggies outside. You will not only be happy for a fresher, less second-hand household. I understand the aroma of cooking beef or chicken, while delightful to some, might be trying for a vegan. Your roommate, should respect your need to cook your food in your shared kitchen, though I suggest separate pans. These are just uncomfortable bits of undefined boundaries. Work out the rules of the house so you can move on to amicably.

So, I guess what I’m saying in a very motherly tone is, “Work it out!” I should not need to come to your house to show you how to compromise effectively. Apparently, you both signed on for this cohabitation, knowing what you were getting into. Why now the judgments? Why the disdain for exercise and rigid eating habits? Why the condescension for indulging in life’s bounty? You two need to have a good, cold-hard-facts-on-the-table discussion. Work out the boundaries of you respectful compromise and get back to the business of the “who’s really nice,” you started off with.

The Vegan is no more of an exalted human because he/she does not eat any part of an animal’s flesh. You are no less of a human because you may choose to have a cigar with brandy after a nice steak. We are all spirits in this 3-D existence with our own karma and lessons to learn. We do not know what you or your roommate is intended to learn in this life. Who are you to judge the path before the other? Every human is not alike, though every human is equal in the eyes of God. The trappings and “story” we have concocted around our lives means little in the grand scheme of things. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, you know it is the loss of the spirit, the communing, the relationship that echoes loudest—not what would have ordered at a restaurant.

As I say to my own children when bickering is just easier than being respectful, “Get over it before other people start treating you that way.” You two seem to be in the throws of teaching each other the wrong things. Have an honest, respectful conversation, agree to some respectful boundaries and get on with the peaceful cohabitation.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, DrummaKween @ flickr

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Rules & Regulations: Parents and Teenagers

January 21, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Step-dad man walking….into a possible minefield of mom and troubled son. When extended families are formed or trade in new teammates, it’s important for the franchise’s game to be running from the same playbook.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I love and want to marry my girlfriend of 5 years. My problem is her son. He always gets in trouble with the law since he was 12, she coddles him and he takes advantage of her, and now he’s 17 so I will have to father him for a couple more years legally. I actually like this kid, but I see how the relationship between mother and son might have a negative impact on mine with them both. Ideas? — Wannabe Family Guy

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Dear Wannabe Fam Guy,

Wow wow and wow technically-speaking, of course. I admire and don’t envy your position all at once. Relationships are work so…you are really in a relationship, aren’t you? Parenting teenagers (of all kinds) and control can get Bad News Bears pretty quickly .

Assuming you want or need to actually change your marital status (like to have more more kids, religious, or legal reasons, etc.), your family will benefit from scheduling a series of conversations between you and your girlfriend, you and her son, the two of them, and the three of you, to thoroughly examine and discuss your feelings, concerns, expectations (don’t assume any are “obvious”) all toward setting and mutually agreeing on creating some rules and limitations for this new family (i.e., how much “daddy” will you be, what level of following House Rules is everyone expected to uphold, perhaps/probably unlike he does today — your and your girlfriend’s boundaries seem, on the surface, quite different/far apart when it comes to this still-minor child; etc.). He’s deeply a teenager, so I’m not thinking you will adopt him legally legally but maybe you will, daddy muffin?, just be sure everyone is on the same definitions page, is all I’m saying.

Lastly, when we sit down to have the harder conversations in life, make sure you assure the other party(-ies) up front of your stance and intention, i.e., “I want to start this central and big conversation because I love you two so much. It’s a toughie, so I just want to be clear how important you both are to me and nothing could ever change that…”-type statement. Putting them at ease from the starting line will help them open their eyes, ears and hearts for those convos and that marathon you’re about to undertake together.

Best of luck in this thing we call Life. Stay right-focused on your mutual goals and love, don’t come between mom and son, and make good choices you can commit to.

Family under construction!,

BadWitch

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Dear Wannabe Family Guy,

Boundaries! Set them clearly and set them early. First boundary, do not get between mother and son. Support the individuals involved, but remember these words, “I’m here to listen and to love you, but the bottom line is between (choose appropriate: you & your mom; you & your son). I’m not getting in the middle.”

You can support with advice, helping to get outside mediators advice (coach, counselor, etc.) or just letting each of them know you are a safe, non-judgmental and loving ear for them to share what’s going on for them. If you can balance this role, you may be a really powerful influence in this relationship, because you will offer these two someone to listen to their angst who really gets what is going on.

If you choose sides or make them wrong for the state of their relationship, you will increase tension. Whatever the extenuating circumstances of their bad choices in life and with each other, you really don’t know the total story. The back-story you do know may help you offer some good advice in the future, but really, don’t point blame and don’t use the past incidents to make your point in current issues in arguments. It is not effective, important or helpful.

Try and stay away from words like “always.” “Always” points to a point of view that stereotypes and does not look at the extenuating circumstances in a situation. Remember, for every time your future step-son acted out, there was some time in there where he acted right or at least tried to do the right thing. You want him to hear you when you are offering advice? Change the word “always” to “sometimes.” Yes, you know sometimes means fairly regularly. However, he hears that you are offering a compassionate, yet honest view of his issues.  Simple, little word may not seem like much, but the longer you can talk without raising his defenses, the more of the right information he’s taking in.

In the end, you may be the new husband she loves, but he will always be her son. If you judge him to harshly or judge her for her attempts to support him (yes, it may be coddling, but she sees it as supporting) you will cause issues in your relationship with your wife. Boundaries, compassion and truth are the keywords for you. See the good in everyone involved in this situation and you’ll get more of the good than you expect.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Have Fun, Build Credit on a Budget?

January 18, 2010 · Leave a Comment

How do you get started or maintain good credit these days? Can you live it up and still live by your means?   — BadWitch

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day – stockmarket closed.

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How can I stay safe and sane on the money front? I’ve got a good paying, crappy full-time job (but will have to give it up for a slightly lower paying entry level one in my field, if I can get one!), am graduating college this spring, and other than my student loan, believe it or not I have very little credit card debt (around $3500) that I pay more than the minimums on. I want to stay conservative but not totally have no life. Thanks.  — Green Grad

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Dear Green Grad,

Wow, feeling a little down about where you are now and where you want to be going, huh. This is no way to start off a whole, new section of your life.  I get being realistic about your possibilities in this market, but your tone, frankly, sounds pessimistic about where you are now and future possibilities.

Want to get to the finish line feeling good about who you are and what you’ve achieved in life? Stop rushing to the I’m-suppose-to-achieve-by-the-time-I’m-30 finish line. Appreciate where you are now and enjoy it, then it easier to plot your way forward.

Reality check. In this economy, no job that feeds your belly and keeps you with a roof over your head is a “crappy” job? I know a Ph.D. currently working in a bookstore and glad for the paycheck. Our culture has been blinded since Archie Bunker’s plaid working-class and JJ’s “dy-no-mite” housing projects lifestyles were replaced by Dynasty’s big shoulder, designer labels. Life is not what you do for a living or what you spend your money on. Focus on finding the positives wherever you can find them. There’s no finish line. Life is a series of connected moments. Make the most of each one.

Now, with this new half-full outlook, realizing how lucky you are: no kids, supporting only yourself and with a viable income and young and cheap enough for employers in your field to want to hire you. Nice. So, how about your wallet?

1. Pay Yourself First. Every check, put 10%-15% into savings immediately. That way you build up more (pick one: freedom, stability, money, choices) for yourself with every check you collect from this current job and have more of a cushion to open up choices for the next step in your career.

2. Buy According to What You Need, Not What Will Impress Someone Else. Listen, if the only way you can get someone to be interested in you is to have the right phone, the right car, the right shoes—GET RID OF THEM. Make buying choices based on making yourself happy—not in the moment—but in the long run. If you love the expensive shoes and will wear them happily and comfortably for the next 2 years, that’s a good investment. If the Jimmy Choo shoes are uncomfortable, but cute and will wind up under the bed, but so-and-so will choke on there sushi when they see…bad investment. Those shoes will limit your spending choices moving forward. (Substitute any possible consumer good for Jimmy Choo example.)

Still need more money management ideas? Check out these earlier GWBW posts. They say downsizing, which means how you balance having money, having stuff and having a life.

Happy Trails,

GoodWitch

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Dear Green Grad,

Props on being aware and diligent about your own credit worthiness and financial health! Everything in it is a metaphor for the state of our life; our finances mirror our general emotional and practical wellbeing. All things are connected, so if you become more and more responsible and alert through action — which isn’t synonymous with a gloom and doom existence! — it becomes very hard to not reflect that ease and grace more so in most parts of your life.

We’re not financial specialists so consult the appropriate professionals if your situation now or comes to require it. Otherwise, I recommend the classic rules of personal money management: pay yourself first (designate a percentage of each paycheck to your savings before all other commitments), pay off your debts (assuming finance rates charged you are higher than the rates of return on your investments. This will help raise your credit score, and (free) check your three credit scores the beginning of every year for general info as well as correcting any possible inaccuracies over the year), and despite what my hero Oscar Wilde said (shows no imagination..ha ha!) by all means live within your means. The latter is the bane of many people’s financial life.

Don’t assume but definitely account for that lower starting salary in your field you’re anticipating. First do the research to find out specifically what that means in dollars and cents, and adjust your monthly nut accordingly by that percentage drop now. But…you can live well by living smart; create small term goals for your finances like for vacation, school books, monthly entertainment budget — and stick to them coming (saving) and going (spending). A friend was successful with my suggestion to teach her kids about the value of taxes by having them put a small set percentage of their allowance into the House Tax, which ends up funding family pizza and movie night, or similar. Adapt this plan for your own lifestyle expenditures and make sure you stick to it for maximum enjoyment!

We get more out of life when we know (self-examine) more about our life. This includes understanding well our personal priorities (Bill Gates was known to regularly refuse the Presidential suites automatically held for him, but gathered a partner to buyout the Four Seasons Hotels, Inc.) — I advised another recent college grad not to get used to a lifestyle she’d have to make career decisions to support, but make choices to support building her career (her priority then) with ease and flexibility. Now she’s a happy careerist homeowner.

Budgeting and spending don’t have to be painful experiences, or negative words when we see the Big Picture. And this is how our lives begin to look better, we feel more in control and go from stressed survival to thriving and fully living.

Save & live for yourself,

BadWitch

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Working Out Having to Work Out

January 14, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Whether genetically talented, or always need to work out, health maintenance is the real thing. The key to healthier, happier and hotter you — living with wellness all your days.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I hate working out but now that I’m getting older, skinny flab probably looks worse than a few pounds overweight. Any suggestions?  — Former Coaster

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Dear Former Coaster,

HA!, I’m laughing with you not at you. I Get it, cream puff. I was always naturally athletic, consumed whole medium pizzas by myself at lunch through college and still had a BMI of 13%…when I didn’t work out. No need to hate – we all are naturally talented at something, people. Whether we’re innately talented with lifelong 20-20 vision, or brilliant at height or strength, when these natural unearned talents shift – we can feel emotions from denial to anger to grief. I’m solidly empathizing with this general plight we call getting older. Grrr.

But as we’re lucky for that opportunity, we owe a debt of responsibility to see this issue is about embracing (again!, an emerging theme from you all this month) change. The first step to making changes successfully is to accept and embrace the change(s) that are spurring the need for updating and introducing newer ways of being/doing things, or solutions. This is your body now. Today. Not how it was in the past.

Just start. Reset your body with a detox to ready/prime it better for…your healthier diet (and “diet” doesn’t mean “weight loss” rather what we eat daily). Then Just Start!, by eating more veggies or getting the right green super foods down your gullet daily. For your heart, lower the bad carbs and fats, and up the good ones. Take Omegas 3-6-9 (fish, flax, borage oils) and raise your good cholesterol while lowering your LDL. Now I’m not going to lecture you any more about health benes you already know about — mamacita, the more toned you are, the hotter you will look and feel, and nothing builds more confidence than a healthy body of any natural size! Help your body help you. Portion control: Easy peasy. I like using the Rule of the Fist (which this lifelong wellness practioner made up), which is to say that our fists reflect roughly the size of our hearts (compare yours to different size friends’ to sharpen that picture for yourselves) and this is a very good portion of food (each: starch, protein, veggies, etc.) to maintain a healthy balance of intake to exertion. Move it or lose it! Keep your body moving. Especially in our predominantly sedentary workplaces and car commutes, it’s all the more important to keep circulation flowing, oxygenation to the muscles and organs feeding and detoxing, and your metabolism up naturally higher, at rest. Park further away, power walk everywhere, tippy-toes calf-sculpt, squat while doing chores — don’t make it hard to routinely keep your body moving, by integrating it into your day’s normal activities. Bicep curl some soup cans because building muscle density raises metabolism, and (ladies!) helps build bone density. Hey, if this lucky-fast metabolism Cali kid could get past her own self-delusions of never-ceasing Super Heroine-ism, anyone can.

‘To keep the body in good health is a duty, for otherwise we shall not be able to trim the lamp of wisdom, and keep our mind strong and clear.’ –Buddha

(Protein) Shake your booty,

BadWitch

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Dear Former Coaster,

I know your pain! I, too, hate to work out, but I have found some interesting ways to get some exercise without resorting to stomach crunches and squats.

First, get active in daily life. I have to tell you, parking your car further from the door to force yourself to walk further, actually makes a difference over time. Running around the playground with your kids—maybe a game of tag and you are it—will make you sweat, while you laugh. I pick my kids up regularly, do dance parties around the house and make myself do a little jig while cleaning the house. You’d be surprised the work out you can get from vacuuming if you get your groove on at the same time!

My favorite physical activities are all about having fun. I love to swing—the playground type. So, I used to stop in at the playground to get my swing on. Now, I have bought an Om Gym, which allows me to swing in the privacy of my own home, while watching TV. I swing upside down and get a good stomach work out in. Make physical activity part of who you are in daily life and your body will respond.

Take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Put more physical activity behind your love-making. You’d be surprised what a great stomach and leg work out it can be if you do it right—not to mention how much fun you’ll have! Take a walk and smell the flowers along the way or window shop. Move your body doing the things you enjoy and you’ll get your exercise on without doing the physical activities you hate.

In the end, I may not be a size 2, but I am healthy, shapely and enjoy the ways I incorporate physical activity in my life. That’s right, there is a hot body waiting for you and no gym required.

Get Moving and Have Fun,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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New Year, Same Old Office Relationships

January 11, 2010 · 2 Comments

The old joke that you can pick your nose but not your relatives should be updated to include our officemates. What if it’s not the work that’s the problem but the peers?    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — New year, new job (I’m employed but can’t stand the people I work with). I don’t know why but I feel optimistic that I have some options even in this crappy job market. What can I do to attract or align with like-minded people in the workplace? Or am I just crazy with this market and shouldn’t rock the boat?  — Miss Aligned

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Dear Miss Aligned,

It’s awesome if the people you work with are “friendly” but their job description isn’t to be your friend. On the other hand, when the people around us bring us down, get on our nerves, or really aren’t supporting or nurturing the best in us, very often this can be a sign we still have much to learn in this (maybe ultimately) wrong for us environment. Search for a new job while contributing well to your current one — but note that if you don’t attend to certain issues within yourself, you will somehow find them popping up at the next job and the one after that. I recently heard study results that cited only 45% of Americans workers are satisfied with their jobs today. That’s a flip flop from a decade ago, and among other things, underscores to me that a lot of us have a lot to learn in the places we spend most of our waking lives at. Recognizing that your surroundings, people and energy around you have a direct effect on you is in itself an important tool for your sanity and personal growth. Eternally, tools are only as effective as the hands they are in.

Fortunately, you feel good about your possible job options while remaining employed. Very cool! Try to right-focus your (job search and resume, etc.) energies on the types of environments for you. This is more than an exercise in idealism. What we think about and focus on has a strange knack for becoming our very realities.

In your job search right-focus on your peers’ and management’s best qualities that actually help you do your job just a bit easier (tasks and living out each day). Notice what you would change in them if you could – specifically. In this way, you won’t be Pollyana’g it (like I’d ever advise that) but rather expanding your own ways of looking at people and circumstances that you have attracted to surround you. A while back we answered a question about love and soul mates —my take was that we learn in soul groups that come in and out of our lives (not just the love ones) as teachers. Even office mates. Observing and truly reflecting on (not gossiping or similar) how your peers could stand improvement, is a mirror for your own growth of what you yourself may be lacking in these areas, if you allow it.

Wherever you go, there you are,

BadWitch

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Dear Miss Aligned,

Well, you are lucky enough to have a job right now, so half the battle is won. I have to say if you have a new job you like, don’t hang everything on having friends in the workplace. Truth is, quite often, you best friends are not people you work with. I know we all want a perfect world where we love the people we work with and the job we do, but sometimes in life you just have to appreciate what is.

If you are feeling there are opportunities available that are a closer match for your sensibilities, then by all means, apply while you still have gainful employment and maybe you can make that easy switch. But it certainly is not worth giving up the stability of a steady job because you don’t like the people you work with. My guess is that if you have just started this job, you have not given yourself the opportunity to find like-minded people yet. Take yourself further a field within your workplace. There may be people outside of your immediate office you jibe with.

I remember working for a newspaper in Richmond, VA and finding the immediate staff I worked with were not people I would choose to hang out with. However, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Sure, some of their life decisions would never be mine, but they are human. I believe there is something worthwhile about every human being. We got along well enough to enjoy our time together in the office. At lunch, I introduced myself to people outside of the department I worked in. I became good friends with some people working in the advertising department and soon leveraged those friendships into assisting in that department, which led to a promotion to that department. In other words, don’t stop looking for opportunities to connect with other people or to make the best of the situation you are in. Chances are this new situation is a gateway to something you are better suited to.

In other words, make the best of what you are offered, but never stop trying for more. Remember, your way, your choices, your lifestyle will not jibe with everyone else, but that is the beauty of life. There are many different people with many different lifestyles. If you can open yourself up to appreciate the differences, make the best of it and go with the flow, more opportunities will present themselves. Chances are, you will not need to find a whole new job to find office friends. Be more open in your assessment of others. That alone will help you attract more people who you vibe with, because you will give yourself the opportunity to appreciate more about the people around you.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Image, NBC Universal, Inc.

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Changing up is Hard to Do

January 7, 2010 · 2 Comments

Changes, shifts, and new ways of doing things. If change is the only constant in life, how can it sometimes still be difficult?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Why is change so hard? I want to but…   — Reluctant Agent

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Dear Reluctant Agent,

As my friend Paul said, “Quitting smoking is easy! I’ve done it four times.” Why is change tough? One word: fear. O h ok, one more: natural.

Fear: of the unknown (including the important lack of role model of the new), threat or pain avoidance, of rejection by current systems and peers, and a failure so deep we might not be able to get out of. My antidote is a mixed metaphor of: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and as Ah-nold once said, “If it bleeds we can kill it.” Most reasons for resistance to change fall under this category, but if we can “humanize” the change by learning about it to understand it better, we can conquer the resistance.

(It’s) Natural: healthy skepticism to change (especially when non-optional and thrust upon, as at work) can also be met and satisfied in favor or against by just asking and education— misinterpretation is a sad reason to miss a potentially wonderful change opportunity. It’s natural especially when we let our hu-monkey minds rule our more evolved, responsible and informed minds.

Over our lifetimes, we can discover we have varying degrees of resistance to change on a  0-10 scale. Because not all change is created equally (i.e., incremental change we barely notice over years; paradigm shifts that change the structures (and sometimes belief systems) of our lives (i.e., healthcare reform; women in the workplace), our resistance isn’t always the reason we do or don’t make changes, necessary or desired, successfully or failed attempts.

Once we have decided to make a change, to make it stick, I prescribe to another adage: Success is 10% genius but 90% preparation. Listen, learn, anticipate, form a guiding plan with a goal, leave room for flexibility and as-needed course correction, focus on the process not the goal — helping you help you is sometimes the hardest change of all.

Get out of your own way,

BadWitch

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Dear Reluctant Agent,

As the old aphorism says, “Change is stability.” Why? Because change is the only certainty you can actually count on! That is the nature of evolution, in cells, humanity, pop culture…life.

As humans we like predictability. We like to know when things will happen, how things will happen and the expected fallout from its happening. But life does not give us a Cliff Notes guide so we can prepare ourselves for life’s next scene. The best thing we can do to prepare ourselves for change is to become more confident in yourself and your own abilities to handle anything life throws at you.

Life is like a river flowing towards it ultimate ending. Along the way, we may steer towards the people, activities and careers that interest us, but in the end, whether you call it faith, destiny or God’s will—life will do what it is going to do. We have no control over how or what other people will do, only our reactions to it. We don’t know what political views or pop culture must-haves are going to change the very way we live our lives. All we can know is that we have the tenacity, wherewithal, knowledge and confidence to deal with whatever it is.

Start by writing out a list of qualities you appreciate about yourself. Be sure to include full descriptions of what you appreciate about each quality, including how it helps you cope with life. This list is the first step in you building resilience. You need to have a conscious understanding of how capable you are. You must know it loud and clear, otherwise, each change will cause you to quake in your boots. The quake is really you asking yourself “Can I handle this change?” “Am I capable?” My answer: “Yes, you are. You made it this far didn’t you?”

Part two of resilience and following your intuition. Are there some things you have always thought, “that would be good to know how to do.” Whether it be growing vegetables, herbal medicine, car mechanics or how to shut off the gas after an earthquake—do it. That’s you telling yourself what you want to know to feel more capable. And, frankly, the more capable you feel, the more stable you feel. Even in the face of change. And an aside: you should always know how to turn off the gas or electricity in case of emergency—and get a fire extinguisher. Safety first.

Now, if you really want to float like a butterfly through the uncertainty of change, learn to cope with stress. Stress fueled by fear, will inhibit your ability to deal with changes in a reasonable, calm way. Stress can leave you unable to make necessary decisions and unable to see your best opportunities clearly, a one-two punch of making the best of any change. Cope with your stress, build your resilience and know change is, so don’t fear it, make the most of it. You are capable.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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