Tag Archives: school

Miss Congeniality’s Sister: Sandra Bullied

When Ms. Bullock’s forgotten sister gets bullied in school, more hurtful gossip’s sure to be on the horizon than usual. Bringing up sister.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have two daughters and one of them gets cyber bullied and bullied in school, while her sister is Miss Popular. This makes the picked on one feel even worse. How do help her? — Torn Dad

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Dear Torn Dad,

I’m sorry to hear about your family’s pain and your daughters’ (both of them) situation. While it’s pretty easy to see how difficult your bullied daughter must have it, it may be less obvious what your more popular daughter is feeling around her sister’s situation at their school. Some of her feelings might surprise you — they may have common ground in shame while experiencing/expressing it very differently. Aside from informing and involving school officials (and why not any other support groups your family may be involved with, such as your church or cyber bullying organizations), holding regularly scheduled supportive and strategic family meetings towards encourage your daughters (and by extension, your family) to work as a team (solidarity, identifying and less loneliness for both) to soothe if not conquer the abusiveness, and build up self-esteem. From A-Z in the process, enable the sisters’ truthful sharing by embracing both seemingly positive and negative emotions offered. Shedding light on them is the most important part, not that someone may have what may on the surface appear to be “inappropriate” feelings (i.e., shame or embarrassment of either the situation or her sibling). If they weren’t close before, sharing this experience may help them forge a bond that could long outlive your family unit.

Some previous GWBW posts (search “bully” at our site for others):

Bull Dozing Billy

Bully Schoolyard, Parents Want Discipline

(building character) Dodgeball, In or Out of Bounds?

Basic cyber bullying TIPS:

• Delete messages from offenders without reading them

• Don’t try to seek revenge or cyber bully back, or someone else

Awareness of why teens bully:

• It gives them attention

• They think everyone cyberbullies

Stay aware of your kids’ friends on- and offline. Talk openly and regularly about their online activities, and restrict computer time to homework and approved sites and (email) lists.

No Bully Zone,

BadWitch

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Your Witches are in a period of time when family issues are omnipresent for us each. Send some love and light to GoodWitch and her fam today especially. Thank you.

Image: Chris Whitehead, Getty Images

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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A Degree in No Meaning 101. Son Most Likely to Be College Dropout

When the going gets tough…this son wants to stop going…to college. Is a college degree worthwhile in today’s job market? Is a degree from Harvard as valuable as one from Online Masters Degree or your local community college? How much effort should be spent on higher education?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Our son wants to drop out of college. He’s a senior but since most of his junior year, this former high school straight-A student has been barely passing his courses. He feels getting a degree in this market is meaningless as there are no jobs. What do you think? Pre-qualifier

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Dear Pre-qualifier,

All things equal, this is what I believe: to go further in life, finish what you start. While I’m fully aware that there may be many reasons to dropout and that  college is not for everyone, this doesn’t seem to have been your son’s case as he qualified with a strong GPA, kept his grades up for his previous three university years, and only now seems to have decided he’s done and is throwing in the towel (attitudinally if not literally, yet). Investigate to make sure something else (that wasn’t his choice) hasn’t happened to him that triggered such a behavioral change — something that may require your (or professionals’) help — like an illness or abusive incident. Barring such external situations, your Pre-qualifer needs to slow down to step up and look at his real motives against the long road before him that is his future.

Yes the job market is down and college loans are expensive to pay back, but both are achievable with his diligence and tenacity. He’s so close now, why handicap himself needlessly (an undergrad degree (BA/BS) is a minimal requirement for most jobs today)? I picked up a great life character assessment tool inadvertently from a long-ago writing workshop: Character isn’t what he says, but what he does. Your son has barely made his appearance in Act 1.

Stay in school,

BadWitch

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Dear Pre-qualifier,

Your best bet is to help your son move beyond apathy. Basing your future on a pessimistic outlook is betting on failure. And why play the game without a winning hand of cards?

Your son is so close to the finish line. maybe he’s not a star ‘A’ student anymore, but if he’s still passing it’s worth completing the journey. The future available to a college graduate has more possibilities than one without. No matter what the economic future is in this country, it is better to be more prepared for greatness rather than less.

Help your son see the possibilities he may be giving up. It’s time to realize that the future starts now. If you want all the opportunities, you have o take the one’s available to you in the now. Cause really that’s all any of us have—now.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

 

 

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Fashion Trend: Good Choices Best Accessory

Playing dress up is for kids. To riff on Madonna, grown-ups dress themselves in their love. Finding balance in and out of your closet for every budget.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW —i know this is my own fault but I was always known for having the hottest clothes and accessories of all my friends. Now I’m learning how to pay off my debt, and that makes me feel good every month. My problem is that I am going crazy not being able to go shopping and feel I have to still keep my image up. Can I buy one nice thing every month since my bills are going down? — Undressed for Success

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Dear Undressed for Success,

Honey, I feel your pain in the wanting to buy nice things department (but you’re not going to like my answer). Congrats on starting to get your bills under control— that’s huge — unfortunately, you had not learned to curb your impulses (leading to habits) earlier, and are now paying the consequences and (literally) the bill that’s come due. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater (by not shopping) doesn’t work in most cases. Try to come to a balance, and I’m not talking about just your shopping.

Your thinking is what begins the chain of events that ends with your monthly bill paying (literally and figuratively). Realize that our fast food, instant gratification society is an outgrowth of lazy and poor thinking, immature behaviors, and an insecurity that comes from…somewhere. It’s never too late to get with your own best program, and good choices does not equal all work and no play, no fun. Privately take genuine and deep inventory about how you feel about your self, choices you have made (still not talking shopping yet; what choices did you make from school, to acquaintances, friends and lovers — the people and influencers with whom you have chosen to share your life). Get naked! Really see what priorities you’ve made, what messages you’ve bought into about “success”…in other words, the life you have chosen for yourself. True examination helps lead to a life lived well, better, best for each of us. There is no blame or shame in this game I’m suggesting to you. When you know better, you can do better. Live consciously.

Window dressing always optional,

BadWitch

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Dear Undressed for Success,

Well, first off, I don’t know your budget, the amount of your debt or your shopping habits. But, I will say, paying off your debt and learning to live with less, BRAVO! Not an easy thing to change your lifestyle around.

And, let’s face it, keeping up with the image of the joneses is an addiction not easily walked away from — which is where I think your current state of discontent arises. You’ve carefully crafted a reputation of being “It” with all the hot clothes and accessories. You’ve crafted an image of yourself as carefree, stylish and solvent, though you were digging yourself deeper into debt. You certainly were not alone in this. Let’s face it, living within our means has not been considered chic for some time.

But the readjusting can feel like you are being punished, rather than doing something positive for yourself. A couple of tips:

1. Don’t try to diet or restrict your habits in any other ways until this new lifestyle becomes second nature.

2. Do not restrict yourself to the point of feeling pained. At some point the pressure will become so much that you really may blow your progress thus far in one ultimate shopping extravaganza. Not good.

3. Do allow yourself to buy one item every month, as long as ALL monthly bills are paid (at least minimum amounts, preferably more for the sake of your interest and long term financial security).

4. Do not buy designer straight off the rack. You will pay full 3-4 digit prices for these items. Shop designer overflow stores like TJ Max (Yeah, I said it) or designer recycled clothing stores like Cross Roads Trading.

True, you may no longer be ahead of everyone else’s curve, but you’ll be looking like a hot fashionista to your friends while looking like a responsible adult to yourself, your bank teller and your creditors.

And one last thing, who you are and what people love about you may be your knowledge of fashion and your love of cutting edge culture, but if they are only in love with what “Fashionista Barbie/Ken” looks like and the benefits they believe that are somehow conferred upon them by hanging out with said Barbie/Ken, please kick them to the curb with your Manolos. Users have no place in your life and certainly not driving you further into debt to satisfy their vampiric needs.

Do it for you,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Job Offer Relocate or Reject & Stay?

When partners can’t agree on one’s job offer that affects both, the job at hand is to choose the best compromise.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife has a (lateral) job offer from her firm that necessitates our relocating across the country. We know no one in that state, its job prospects for me are on par with most any other state, we could buy a lot of house there by selling ours here, and we have one preschool child. Here’s the kicker, I want her to pull the trigger more than she seems to want to. She seems satisfied with her work but I think they’re trying to save her job with this offer. I fear she will stay and then get laid off and we need both salaries. We’ve talked and talked but just can’t come to agreement. Suggestions?  Worried Hubby

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Dear Worried Hubby,

Since you say you’ve both talked it through so much, let’s not debate the merits of your wife taking this job as you’d like. Let’s have you two honestly explore your individual fears around both her scenarios: accepting and rejecting the offer.

It sounds simple but I like a good pro/con-type list for such quandries, and especially if I’m in one with someone else. Writing it out will help you two see your own and each other’s underlying fears more clearly and completely, and that allows you both to connect the dots to your actual line items of financial impact, realistic stability of her company/current job,  your age(s) to starting over elsewhere, the tax benefits between your current versus a more inexpensive home, and so much more. I am suggesting this list be developed and written as objectively as possible, and using different color pens will help you see each other’s points all the clearer.

Your primary challenge is not to be right, but to untangle the emotions from this situation, to make the best decision for your family together you know how.

More teamwork, less worry,

BadWitch

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Dear Worried Hubby,

There is more to moving than the bottom line. I get what your concerns are, and they are valid. However, I think you may be overlooking your wife’s concerns.

Yes, you can have more house, but your salary in this new place is not guaranteed. And the amount of that salary will probably be commensurate with the state, as opposed to what you are making now where you are. Also, you will have no support.  That may not seem like much now, but no one to ask for last minute help. No one to invite over for pizza, beer and communing that you know you can let down all your pretenses with and just hang. Babysitters, schools, friends will all have to be vetted again in the hopes of carving out a niche in a community you can really feel at home in. You are ready to make this leap, but my guess is, your wife may not be as ready to be cut adrift in a strange new place.

Perhaps you two can work out how you are both feeling about your options in a couple of lists. One lists is your pro and con list on moving, another is hers. The next list is ideas for making it work if you stay and she gets laid off. Another may be lists of possible job opportunities and starting salaries in the new state. Get a better sense of all the factors. Do you know % of joblessness in the new state vs. where you are? Do you know whether there are more jobs in your wife’s field or yours? Who will have an easier time finding new work?

Both of you should start applying to jobs—she should look where you are now and you should look in this new place. See who starts to get positive feedback. Maybe she finds work where you are now, doesn’t have to give up her community and you two don’t need to incorporate the chaos of moving into your lives. Or maybe you get some great results from your new job search and spark her interest. Seems like you both need more real world research to know what the best choice is.

I know you are worried and looking for the best possible outcome for your family. Trust that your wife is as well. Now, investigate so you can make decisions based on real world opportunities rather than unrealized fears. It’s the best way to put that worry energy to good use and limit regret.

Mantra: We both want what is best for the family. We will not react from fear, but from knowns. If we act together, we can make it through whatever changes are ahead because we are a family.

Happy researching,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Anti-social Kid, Worried Parent

Most parents always want what’s best for their kids. Most kids just want their parents to leave them alone…but not too far. Staying INvolved, while Keeping Out!     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …What’s (considered) anti-social? My daughter who is in junior high gets good grades, has friends, but is often home alone. She gets asked to activities but says she’s not a belonger. Should I insist she go to at least one social outing a month? …I get her every other week.Worrywart Parent

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Dear Worrywart Parent,

From your description, your daughter doesn’t sound anti-social but well-adjusted and independent. If you are strongly worried, get feedback from her teachers/counselor that this is also their perception. This is cute to me —she sounds like she’s a Solo Sammie in training. Again, you say her grades and psyche aren’t suffering and at her age, those are the biggest indicators of trouble or peace. Ongoing, keep an eye on her progress; teens’ moods and perceptions can be like the wind.

Just a suggestion, you may be more concerned about your scheduled time with her than her own social time spent. Check yourself for any possible competition (including with your ex-), insecurities and legitimate concerns as a parent, and just work not to project them onto your daughter. Check in regularly and work with her other parent so you two are on the same page about your child as much and often as possible. Let your daughter know that you are absolutely fine (but only if this is true) with who and how she is by taking an active interest and asking appropriate (to situation as well as for privacy) questions and making sure you continue to know (and probably vetting is a good idea at this age most especially) her friends. Don’t just assume they’re all like her; participate from the periphery of her social circle.

For pete’s sake, insisting a middle school teen do anything is a sure-fire recipe for non-compliance (rebel or not; jeesh, how long’s it been, Worrywart?). Make a few activity suggestions now and then based on observing her actual interests and inclinations, but if she opts out, leave her be.

Knock first,

BadWitch

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Dear Worrywart Parent,

It sounds like you need to learn more about how your daughter is feeling about her classmates and the people who are inviting her to activities. If she does not feel like she can be herself in order to belong to the group, she may be opting out as an act of self-expression/self-preservation. It could also be that she has some negative feelings associated with these folks and so chooses to remain alone rather than join in.

My friend’s daughter has similar “alone” tendencies. This weekend, even in the middle of a picnic full of kids, she walked up to me to say she didn’t wan to play with any of the kids there. After a couple of questions, “Do you not like the games they’re playing?” “Are you not getting along with someone?” “Did you think someone was being mean to someone else or to you?” “What do you want to do ideally if you could do anything in the world?”

It came out that she was a little tired, not in the mood to be nice and preferred hanging with adults. She is an only child, so she is no stranger to the company of adults. For her adults pay attention to you and expect to take on the responsibilities of erecting boundaries, keeping you safe and making sure everyone plays nice. In short, she just wanted some time off from being a “big girl.”

Find out what makes your daughter happy. Is she into painting, roller derby, bag pipes? I mean, find the activity that makes her want to join in and then find the group that is doing it. Tailor the group around her interests. If you find the group that is interested in the things she likes and doing the things she likes, she’ll probably become more of a “belonger.”

Have faith Mommy. And take some time to meditate (a.k.a. daydream) of your daughter happy with friends. See them playing and talking. Look at her with the magical eyes of all you see she is capable of being. The more you can see her that way, the more you shift the energy and the room for her to be more social.

Have faith,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Bully Schoolyard, Parents Want Discipline

Bullying in schools is pushing its way around again. Studies show girls bully emotionally and boys bully physically and emotionally. When bullying respects nothing and no one, and the parents won’t do anything about it.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m at my wits end! My daughter is getting bullied at school by another girl. This has been going on for months. Now, my daughter’s backpack was stolen last week, but the school library books from the backpack returned! WTF?! I’ve tried talking to this girl’s parents, but they refuse to believe their “little angel” would do anything wrong. They think my daughter provokes the abuse! Again, WTF?! What can I do? This is an impossible situation for our whole family and, of course, most especially, my daughter.  — Over This Bully Bullsh–

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Dear Over This Bully Bullsh–,

It sounds like you need to get the school involved—teachers , principal. I know a lot of times kids who are being bullied are unwilling for their parents to get involved, but getting this out in the open is the only way to get this to stop. The bully needs to know there are consequences for her actions.

Now, as far as the girl’s parents protecting their “little angel,” remember bullies are made, not born. Something is clearly troubling this girl to leave her over-flowing with aggression. I’m not saying this to blame or excuse the parents. It sounds like it is time to have a hard-nosed talk with her parents. If you really believe this girl is responsible or the missing backpack, have her parents check her room. No one deserves to have their personal belongings stolen. No one deserves abuse. If they still don’t get it, go through the school.

Remind your daughter to go through the appropriate channels when the bullying starts. Trying to handle it her self simply isn’t working. Also, both you and your daughter should do some self-esteem and stress management training. Work with her to give her the tools she needs to grow into a confident  woman. Remind her that tomorrow may hold an entirely different future. Don’t let her get stuck here, seeing herself as a victim. Give her the tools to rise above it.

My heart and my prayers go out to your family. Constantly dealing with someone else’s misplaced aggression is frustrating, depressing and maddening. You need to remember and remind your daughter that petty tyrants are our best teachers. Help your daughter define how she contributes to the situation. Does she retaliate instead of seeking assistance from a teacher? Does she refuse to stand up for herself, protecting her rights? Changing our behavior has the effect of changing a dynamic and with it people’s reactions. Remind her that bullies target those who they will get a satisfying reaction from–once achieved they continue to bully to get more of that reaction. If your daughter stops reacting or changes tactics by telling a teacher, there is a good chance the bully will move on to another target.

Talk to your principal. What strategies do they have in place to deal with bullies? Research and connect them with groups that do bully workshops. Get other parents involved and educate the educators if need be. Be proactive.

Sending you waves of support,

GoodWitch

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Dear Over Bully Bullsh–,

What right thinking person would disagree that our schools, not just should, but need to be a safe haven for children against bullying? When today’s bullies come in all shapes, sizes and social ranking, but often teachers and schools are still opting for the elaborate Time Out (and resulting in yet more bullying to suicide), it’s way past time to step up our tools. I’m not usually a fan of attempts at legislating how people get along, but the apparent lack of good parenting, and schools’ tied hands, against this well-noted rise in school aggression, anger and bullying, seem to call for it. This national epidemic is in need of Congressional legislation to help in providing teachers and schools training, proactive peer counseling/motivation techniques and supportive rules and laws against violence and bullying. Hey, if it takes laws to get the job done, perhaps our larger society’s PC-silence, violence enabling and anti-violence laws will toughen up to reflect this disturbing and growing trend of child disrespect, coarseness, and bullying-as-conflict-resolution (learned and perpetuated by their own slack online-social mores, violent video games and movies, and a seeming lack of adult guidance to civility and cooperation).

Closer to home, what can you do to help and support your daughter, and foster in her trust and openness in relationships, rather than cynicism and negativity and — stop bullying now ? Try eating dinner together as a family. Limit TV daily viewing (studies show each additional hour spent in front of the TV per week at age 2-1/2 corresponded to a 10% increase in being bullied by peers; the finding suggests these kids are “learning to be just a passive receptacle”), and stick to it! My mom didn’t let us go out and play until our homework was done; adapt this to your schedule but the rule is: “Responsibilities first.” Encourage cooperation between your own children and their friends, e.g., homework to sharing and giving away (charity) toys and even TV time — then don’t forget to recognize and applaud their constructive activity, e.g., “Good job – I appreciate your helping your brother without my asking you to.” Help them build habits of cooperation, civility and connection that will serve them well on and off the schoolyard, and into adolescence and adult citizens of our society at large.

More on Bullying from us...

BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Sugar Mama Packin’ Lunch Snacks, Nutrition Facts

What? Are healthy-only snacks the new black on playgrounds? With more communities becoming aware of and educated about the importance nutrition’s role for kids, is today’s insidious image-conscious peer pressure extending to lunchboxes?  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I love my children more than anything in the world. I would never do anything to endanger them or their health, and we’re omnivores living in Berkeley the home of the health conscious and PC. I pack their lunches with pretty kid-friendly healthy foods and a treat. My 12 year old daughter has been reporting her friends have been harassing her (like peer pressure over sugar and fats) about these treats which depending on a lot of things, can be anything from a bag of regular chips, a small candy bar, or cookies. What can I do? Packing them helps her eat the good stuff without blinking and I believe she still wants them no matter what her weight conscious friends say. I know this is childhood, but I don’t want any of my kids to suffer needlessly. What do I do?  — Lunchbox Mama

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Dear Lunchbox Mama,

Really? Is she sure they’re not just trying to guilt her into sharing her booty of goodies with them? They who are otherwise deprived of sweets and all the tastes that round out and make for a happy childhood? I would think she’s the bomb and Ms. Congeniality 1 and 2 among her peers with her stash of luck you so thoughtfully (and I agree in your balanced view of eating — steadiness not depravation help avoid binge eating) pack for her — but if the kids (especially girls) at her school are hyper weight and image conscious (which starts in our society younger and younger; studies show age 9 girls now diet en masse), please address that by consistently helping her with (self-)appreciation of beauty in all sizes.

…but as you live in an often dogmatic city like Berkeley…my playground-jungle city girl mind jumps right back to her friends/peers trying to take a bite of some forbidden high fructose from her. You might suggest she judiciously share her snacks as she sees fit (kids always know who’s what), start a “treats trading club,” and/or otherwise start learning to worry less what other people think about her (Berkeley mom), and focus more on doing right by her own values. If she opts for the first and second, you might beneficially arm her with some take-away (not take-out) nutrition facts about all the lunch items you pack: which are good carbs,  how there are health-friendly sugars and even the “bad” ones in controlled moderation are fine for most people, and good fats are necessary for a growing (and everyone else’s) body’s healthy development.

Maybe her “reporting” is being misinterpreted by you as harassment. Maybe your daughter is actually proud of the attention these lucky snacks are getting her. Ask her how her friends’ comments make her feel, and then pack more guidance and clear-eyed support of both her nutrition and social and problem-solving maturation processes.

A wellness first sweet-toother,

BadWitch

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Dear Lunchbox Mama,

In the land of grilled tofu sandwiches with a side of veggie chips, potato chips and candy are both coveted and hated. But, you’re OK, Mama. Small treats are all about balance. And all sugar and fats are not alike.

Remember the 70’s when we were told margarine (yes, hydrogenated oils and all) were better for us that that nasty, all natural butter. Well, we know differently now. All things in balance. A little butter, a little olive oil is good for you. Have you seen Sophia Loren lately?

First off, dark chocolate is good for blood flow and increases serotonin in the brain, you know the hormone that makes you happy. In fact, some research says it increases or mimics oxytocin in the system. Oxytocin is the hormone that allows you to feel loved and connected. Mothers and babies experience it during breastfeeding. Ever see how blissed out milk-drunk babies are after breast feeding?

Visit Trader Joe’s . An excellent selection of chips and cheese puffs made with all natural ingredients and less oil. Dark chocolate covered shortbread cookies and other treats that mange to combine whole grains and/or nuts with chocolate. That’s right, happy hormones with a little protein on the backside to make the god mood and the energy last—right through the draggy afternoon classes. Treats that don’t dent the sweetness or the spice of life are important—especially for middle school girls!

Arm your daughter with knowledge about the nutritional benefits of her food. Middle school girls have enough obsession around food and weight to create more drama around food. Give her the wisdom how to eat well and balance the veggies with the treats of life. There is nothing wrong with indulging. Remember how nutty Solieri http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086879 went after denying himself ? Remember how he gorged himself in some areas of his life because he denied himself so harshly in others?

You get it, Mama. I’m preaching to the choir. Keep packing the good balanced lunches. Now, give yourself and your daughter the knowledge that will empower you, your daughter and your choices. Give her the tools to speak up against the bullying. And let’s be serious, if you can’t just eat what you like to eat without being judged and ridiculed, you are being bullied to think a certain way and act a certain way. It doesn’t matter if that fanatical need to control comes from the right or the left—it’s still bullying.

Keep Packin’,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Real World Day Trippin’: The Art of the Daydream

daydreamingAlbert Einstein, Frank Lloyd Wright, and Nikola Tesla were famous ones. Daydreamers. It’s one thing to have one’s head in the clouds all day and night, but healthy to build some neurons and synaptic connections by dreaming of flying on a fluffy purple marshmallow, returning to earth and then…eating your landing gear.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My daughter’s a daydreamer, even in school. I worry this is going to set her back. How do I bring her into the real world?   — Down-to-Earth Dad

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Dear Down-to-Earth Dad,

You don’t say how old your girl is, but I will assume early grade school by your context. Daydreaming “too much” is subjective, so as long as you and a professional rule out behavior problems and diseases like ADD, I’m a fan of healthy daydreaming. I say, don’t be too anxious to “help” her grow up, pops.

Kids need to play and daydream to learn. I’m a pretty seriously grounded and creative person, and/but was a true blurry-eyed, dreamy day dreamer (to the point of falling asleep in Phonics on the “bl” constant blend and waking up all mixed up on “sh” in the first grade) as a kid. I think you’d be surprised how many Real World dreams I was visualizing and plotting for my own future! Even I knew I was day dreamy (and no, I was not chided for it). Which brings up an excellent point. You might want to gently ask your daughter what she’s thinking about the next few times she takes a day trip in front of you. Keep the judgment out of your voice, best as you can keep it neutral. Ask her with genuine interest (you’ll be privileged with a small glimpse into her lovely head — no offense, but something tells me you could use a shot of whimsy, grounded to earth dad). Not only that, you’ll be showing interest in her thoughts inside her pretty little head, as well as helping her notice when she’s daydreaming.

Again assuming “normal” developmental behavior, I would reinforce that there are better times and scenarios to daydream (many times, dad!), versus not so much (crossing the street, when in a new, unfamiliar environment). There’s a right time and place for everything, down-to-earth poppy – and childhood is an especially magical time for the eternal past time of daydreaming.

Paying bills before you know it,

BW

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Dear Down-to-Earth Dad,

Sounds like your daughter has an active imagination, which is keeping her attention. That’s not all bad. Daydreaming is thought to be a sign of creativity. Her daydream believer spirit may be one of her greatest assets in the real world.

In our get-things-accomplished-multitasking world, we forget that a child’s primary job is to play and learn. Daydreaming allows her to re-work life experiences in a safe and creative way.  Relationships and the real world can be overwhelming and confusing for children. Daydreaming actually helps with healthy social interactions by allowing children to rework scenarios and even role-play new personas. According to Jonah Lehrer, author of Proust Was A Neuroscientist, “Mostly, what we daydream about is each other, as the mind retrieves memories, contemplates “what if” scenarios, and thinks about how it should behave in the future.”

I understand that you have reservations about your daughter walking around with her head in the clouds, which is not always appropriate, or safe. I suggest reminding her to “be in her body.” I often tell my daydream daughter to “put her head in her feet,” when we are out walking. It is a reminder to focus on her feet and her body as she moves through the world. Focus is a popular word in our household. That being said, if we’re not actually in the process of trying to get something done, I let her keep her head in the clouds. It is her opportunity to figure out how the world works—in a safe, protected way.

If your daughter is older (I’m assuming under 8 yrs.), I would make a practice of setting goals with her for what she needs to accomplish. Set some boundaries for her in the real world. That way she can learn to meet her responsibilities and play after work is done. For instance, my 7 yr. old knows the boundaries of our morning routine. She must meet her responsibilities: get breakfast, get dressed, brushed, washed and shoes on ready for school. Once she gets her “work” done, she is free to play or daydream until it is time to go. Now, my daydreamer is often the first one ready in the morning.

Boundaries are a real world boon in a daydream world. Just be sure they aren’t too restrictive, because that time to daydream will only help her to become more creative and better socially adjusted.

Happy flying!

GoodWitch

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Image, SugarPanda @ flickr

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Shooting Up Kids: Gardasil & Other Vaccinations

Ah!, childhood. Autism, HPV/cervical cancer, mercury poisoning. Makes a sane person reminiscent for scraped knees, hallway gum chewing, and slam books. How to best protect our kids today? To vaccinate or not vaccinate?  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW Start of school year means my kids’ annual physical. There’s been some controversy at our school over immunizing, so I’m not even sure all the kids are immunized. Now my doctor’s talking about Gardasil for my oldest daughter. What’s your opinion? Is it worth getting all these immunizations when half the kids in school are going around unprotected? —To shoot or not to shoot

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Dear Shooter,

I am not a medical doctor, but I have a body in real life. I am a huge proponent of taking responsible care of my body and health. This includes research, questions of my doctors, and integrating that with my own (attuned) body intuition. I highly recommend this for everyone.

Considerations: Does your family have a history of cervical cancer? If it does then you might consider Gardasil for your daughter. Next, ask your own trusted doctor for his/her point of view. I have two doctors (a man and a woman) and they both told me that for my history and health, they would advise against it (not that I fall into the Gardasil target age group 9-24; we were having a general conversation about things current and female during my own annual) as they each separately considered it a misguiding and dubious marketing campaign by its maker Merck. Both of their opinions revolved around how there are several different levels of the virus HPV (which many men and women have) to cervical cancer, but Gardasil protects against four. Also to be considered, the side effects to this still-new drug.

As to vaccinate or not , I know my siblings and I got all ours, but today’s kids are exposed to stuff that we weren’t and getting way too many ridiculous illnesses to death (from mercury in vaccinations, etc.), as well. As long as you cover the basics (including Rubella for the girls when appropriate), and spread them out rather than many in a day, then I think you’re probably protecting them the best you can, other kids vaccinated or not. I’m sure you already know your childrens’ schools’ policies for whether they can attend non-vaxed or not? Have you actually spoken with other peer parents to know that it’s “half the kids” non-vaxed at your schools? Deaths and horrific complications aside, there’s no sense to make a Bubble Kids gen with more education and information available today, if a healthy diet (organic sooner, fewer processed foods) and vaccinations are managed consistently and with sensible timing – this is the world they live in, and you can only do your due diligence as a parent, and according to your own personal beliefs. Get them vaccinated, that’s mine. Gardasil, eh, unless your family history dictates it, not so much.

A shot in the arm could save nine,

BW

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To Shoot or Not to Shoot,

That is the question. I am not a doctor. I believe in natural healing and the miracles of modern medicine. Therefore, I can only give you my opinion as a parent.

I am a parent of two elementary school age girls. Are they immunized? Absolutely. Did they get every immunization the doctor suggested? No. I am the health advocate in my family and though most of the immunizations make complete sense to me—polio, diphtheria, hepatitis B, tetanus—but chicken pox? I don’t agree.

I had chicken pox as a child. I itched. I took milk baths. I kept oven mitts on my hands and still managed to scratch once or twice. Then I was back in school. Adults, however, who contract chicken pox can have much more severe reactions. By the way, the immunization wears off at about the age of 20…when contracting the “childhood illness” would really be an issue. So, I’m suppose to keep my kids from getting a childhood disease in childhood so I can leave them susceptible to the disease in their adult lives when it could cause secondary infections and risk their lives. Hmmm.

Apparently you can continue to be immunized into adulthood. But, this is one case where I question the balance of nature being thrown off so much. I continue to do my research, but have not been swayed yet.

As a parent you are your child’s health advocate. You must do your research on what vaccines make sense for you. Ask questions and double check the answers— especially before injections are given.

Which brings me to Gardasil . Why do I need to give my pre-teen daughter a vaccine for sexual transmitted disease?  Side effects of the vaccine include fainting, dizziness, vomiting, seizures, comas, and, oh yes, death. Previously healthy girls who have had the vaccine have been diagnosed with epilepsy after injection. 32 girls have died. But testing on the drug has stopped. So, my girls are supposed to be the guinea pigs? I’d rather have open conversations about safe sex (scroll, April 16 post) when the time is right and schedule their GYN check-ups yearly. It may be a scheduling pain, but nowhere near the pain of watching my 9 year old pass out, throw up and shake on the floor with a grand-mal seizure. In this case, just say “Hell No.”

Happy Parenting,

GoodWitch

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© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

School Daze and Other Blurry Visions

graduate-1What I learned in school: having many degrees doesn’t make some people smart. Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-education, just pro-formal education and School of Life. The other thing I believe I learned is that most people of this adult generation and their kids, have that Question Authority thing down. Next. The most help we can offer the kids in our lives is to make them comfortable with honestly questioning themselves more often, and not coddling them from themselves.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – I’m 17 and will be a senior in September. I have good grades and am artisitc. I want to major in Liberal Arts and my #1 school is Loyola Marymount. That’s all I know for now. We just found out a study said that 85% of college students average six years to complete their undergrad degree. I still don’t know for sure what I want to do, what major, etc. My parents have four years of tuition for me. They totally support whatever I do, and I’m not panicking but trying to think ahead a little bit and wanted your opinions. Thanks! - Artistic Daughter

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Dear Artistic Daughter,

Sounds like your ideal and those study numbers concern California specifically (the rest of the country averaged more like 62% for same!). I graduated college in California a long time ago in a galaxy far away, and our schools are so impacted we were on this trend then (I did it in 4), so that makes me think: The more things change, the more they stay the same…only with a larger population.

It’s great your parents want to and can support you, and that you seem to be a responsible and thoughtful daughter in return. The rest is much easier! In between your senioritis activities, take the chance to do more research, interviews and visits as possible. Maybe you want to make a list of what you’re good at (hard skills) and what your personality is not suited for…and vice versa on both lists. Compare and evaluate. There are JCs you can do your prereqs-are-prereqs-are-prereqs at, which despite their increased fees, will buy your parents’ college fund more time to grow for your ultimate school. You can work part time during full time school to supplement expenses and (ideally) open your mind to other (major/direction) options through exposure and experience. At this point, time is your friend. Use that relationship wisely.

The only personal “advice” I will give you is not to be afraid to make mistakes. Then feel free to strive to achieve a balance between necessity, discipline/work and fun. I was an extremely hard task master on myself, and this got things done all right, but it took years (and years later) for me to chillax this blessing/curse so I could truly face what I love and embrace it — and I always knew who I was!, but sometimes to truly know oneself, is to listen and act on your inner voice. You are young and shouldn’t pressure yourself to know everything you want to do right now, but just give yourself permission to really hear your own voice. …And then have the guts to have the wisdom to have the tenacity to follow-through. Between the young woman you already are showing up to be, and your future schooling, you’ll do fine.

Matriculate in life, baby!

BW

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Dear Artistic Daughter,

Good job on thinking about things before the last minute! There’s a lot to consider with where to go to college, what to major in and, yes, whether you can do it in 4 years.

Start by asking for materials from every school that interests you. Try and isolate why one school is more attractive to you then another. It will help you whittle down your list of “must haves” in a school. You may also find that certain programs are more attractive than others. This will start to give you clues about your major.

As for deciding on a major, follow your heart. What do you enjoy doing and what classes seem the most interesting to you? I ended up starting my major in English, but my love of theater and history classes allowed me to finally double major Theater/English with a minor in History. Did I start off as a whiz kid who wanted to do all three? No. But I took the classes that interested me, many offering credits under multiple majors. For instance, a theater history class offered credits for my theater major, but I could also use those under History if that was where the credits were needed. I also received full credits for working on some theatrical productions, which I would have worked on anyway. All this added up to enough credits to finish in four years with a double major and a minor. Not bad.

Also, when reviewing classes to take, stick to your strengths, not only in subject, but in testing requirements. I am not good with tests. I prefer to write papers and so looked for classes that did not have tests—only papers. Of course, this was not possible for every class, but this meant that in a semester I would have no more than one class to study for a test. But since my other classes were papers only, I had the time to focus for a test without endangering any of my other grades. I also love class discussions vs. lecture. So I was sure my schedule each semester had  lots of 3-hour discussion classes and very few lectures. It made for a more enjoyable learning experience.

College is a great time to get to know yourself and how to work in community. But, as always, the caveat remains, “know yourself and act accordingly.” Give yourself the tools to enjoy the learning experience, whether that be all classes with discussion and papers or a schedule with several classes that require a lot of focus and concentration and one easy class, like my all time favorite, “Rock Music and Rock Film” where I got to watch movies of Woodstock and Led Zeppelin. Some may cal it being a slacker. I call it balance. You can only do so much at one time, pace yourself and give yourself the tools you need to learn well, get good grades and get as much out of the college experience as possible.

Enjoy this time of exploration and realize, you cannot ask too many questions to be sure you have found the right environment for you. I can say, with your showing this much focused attention now, you’ll do well. Just keep up the good, proactive work!

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.