Tag Archives: love

Love = Friendship + Lust. Keeping ALL the Home Fires Burning (BW)

I’ve previously shared my views of “true love” as a myth in our love-starved society. But I do believe in love and lasting relationships, and strive to infuse all my real relationships (regardless of length or labels) with the qualities that make for lasting relating. Today I was asked to talk about keeping all the fires burning. I just couldn’t stop thinking that people who ask these questions tend to be seeking “an answer” or a How To patch, but instead get stuck with hearing a lot of idealized Harlequin Romance hooey about how relationships are supposed to be, which usually serves to make them feel even worse. [Read my smooshier view on love  (second link above) and please indulge me here.]

Love that is forged of Friendship + Lust isn’t about the Perfect One, heart-shaped candy or wedding planning gone wild — it takes concentration of steel to actively remember the commitment to it. That sort of love means work. That level of love is deeply satisfying in on-off lukewarm cuddliness to sizzling sexiness, the acceptance of unconditional love and nurturing in the security of buddy-companionship — and simultaneously holds great potential for boredom, situational blindness and eh!, apathy. Repeat beginning of this paragraph.

I’m paraphrasing a recent brilliant Diane Sawyer (married to director Mike Leigh for 21 years) comment, “Every marriage (and lasting relationship) is a foreign land. You may enjoy visiting but not want to live in this foreign land, but it works for its inhabitants.” Couldn’t agree more, and against the common “wisdom” that espouses a One Size ideology of what “works” or not in long relationships. Some individual relationships have more sizzle, romance, friendship, or companionship than others, and if they’re truly working (versus stuffed emotions, lazy habits, or excuse-making refuges to hide from not communicating respectfully, or having sex) for its inhabitants then there’s no “wrong way” to how yours works for you.

Dynamics can be a tricky thing. Remember not to check your baggage, because if you can’t hand carry it, it’s way more crap than you need to bring on this trip. Relationships are comprised of individuals who can always stand improvement, and that’s where to focus how to keep all your own fires burning.

Love that love. — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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High Maintenance Girls and Autos

Not talking Cuban smokers here: Sometimes a boyfriend with unclear boundaries is just a stand-in mechanic. Zen and the Art of Girlfriend Mechanics Maintenance.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My girl never does basic maintenance on her car, then when small things go wrong, she gets all up in my grill. She has a mechanic she likes and says she trusts, but I get stuck with all her raging when things go wrong and costs her big bucks. How do I deal with her? I’m not interested in becoming her mechanic OR losing my girlfriend. Auto Affixiation

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Dear Auto Affixiation,

I just heard an important grandpa to grandson line about it being necessary to experiment and fail in order to grow up — but even he wouldn’t tolerate the same childish behavior twice. This is exactly my take on your question: you have a woman who “won’t do basic maintenance” then blames her boyfriend “when things don’t go right” and she has to pay money she could have likely avoided shelling out if she’d taken better care of herself. Hmm. I think there are some other issues going on here that have nothing to do with trains, planes or any other mode of transportation.

Seems like some irresponsible people have to learn by needlessly spending dollars they usually don’t have, and others need to stop trying to save them (money or heroically). Let her drive her car, whether on the road smoothly or into the ground — and you focus on fine tuning your relationship in the real ways you express interest in: with love, RMPs and oil.

Oil & water, baby,

BadWitch

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Dear Auto Affixiation,

So be girlfriend, you mean you are her automatic auto mechanic? Did you know you were signing on to this job? Sounds like there should have been a clear contract that discussed job duties in this relationship.

I would say it looks like it’s time for a really good conversation. Dear girlfriend whom I love, you have to start taking your car to the mechanic and sucking up the cost, except perhaps in emergency because this me as mechanic thing is killing us.

I remember being asked to teach my then boyfriend (now ex-husband) how to work a graphic program and some basic maneuverability with his new Mac. After being grilled every time I offered a thought, suggestion or teaching point, I finally cut him loose. All in all, start to finish on me as his teacher lasted less than 3 hrs. I let him know he would be better served to have a teacher he trusted and a girlfriend who still liked him, which meant she was not his teacher. After less than a minute, he agreed.

Let your girlfriend know the toll it is taking on your relationship. Let her know you would not volunteer to be her go-to mechanic because she does not take care of the vehicle to what you consider a basic level of care to keep other issues from happening. Let her know you love her and are there for her in a pinch, but on the regular she should go to the mechanic she trusts—for the sanctity and longevity of your relationship. Seal it with a kiss and give her the opportunity to either stat taking better care of her car so you can help her or take it regularly to the mechanic she trusts.

Remember to make freely with the love and don’t hold any grudges. This is all about creating a boundary that supports the relationship. No hard feelings and no more mechanic duty.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Type-A Meets Unplanned Love

Planning on love? Type-A discovers life unfurls itself inconveniently, against plan. “Repeat” for All Events.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I don’t know if this is a “work” or “personal” question, but I’m a true blue Type-A person and have planned my entire life out. So far everything has pretty much unfolded as I intended. Then I met this person at the office who is turning out (after working, platonic meetings, friendship and now love) to be the Love of My Life. My question is how do I deal with these crazy feelings (neither of us wants to go away), and still be professional at work? We work on the same team. Bi-curious

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Dear Bi-curious,

Oh to be crazy, wacky and young! Just sayin’, it’s another gray area option. Type-A’s and those who like to label themselves as such, love to pretend we have everything under control. Bi-curious, life has a sense of humor and sometimes…you’re the punch line. Let go, let god. Let go, let it flow. Circle one. Mix ‘n match. Woohoo!!, go crazy, yo!

Minimize the damage and leverage the benefit of being a Type-A more often by letting your plans help direct and guide you, while reveling in the fact that your particular genius in this area also helps you make room for you to be less rigid, and things to turn out just as they are meant to be. With or without your Master of the Universe architectural blue prints. Sweetie. I Get you possibly more than you do, so don’t shut down from me now. See your Big Picture, raise it a mission for your vision, do the mundane work every day, and then…just breathe and allow for the beautiful lessons of the universal wisdom to allow things in and out of your life. You already know How to Be Professional, now, get over your self to more fully enjoy yourself.

Sync that calendar item,

BadWitch

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Dear Bi-curious,

Two can play on the same team while finding love and cooperation. Yes, it will take both of you deciding to be the bigger person on more than one occasion. You will have to come in off the night of pissy arguments and behave like grown ups in the office. No drama. No catfights. Claws fully retracted and work put first. Can you do that? Can you both do that?

There are some VERY good reasons to adhere to the old aphorism, “Don’t screw the crew.” Yes, rough, uncouth and just not classy, but filled with sage advice. When one enters into relationship you open yourself to be truthful, open and take your partner’s feelings into account. In a work setting, there will be times when your business judgment may be impaired by partner protectitus. Yes, your partner has a bad idea or you have a good idea which gives a plum position/project/you name it to someone who is not your partner, but is the correct business choice. What do you do? If you really want this relationship and work thing work, you’ll have to make the better business choice and take the hit when you get home.

In other words, yes you can make it work, but you’ll have to make some hard and fast boundaries to make it work without disrupting your career agenda. Despite my diatribe, I do believe partners can work well together. I’ve actually seen it first hand. However, I’ve also experienced  co-dependant, bad relationships that make the whole office live through re-enactments of All in the Dysfunctional Family.

Realize that everyone you work with—up and down the ladder—have to deal with your relationship. Be nice to your fellow co-workers. Leave the relationship on the side till you get home at the end of the day. Sure, a little lunchtime loving is a great idea, just make sure you are back in business mode by the time you get to your desk. Discuss and agree on appropriate behaviors and boundaries.

Btw, congratulations on finding someone you can love and work with. Remember, good communications makes the difference.

Happy smooching,

GoodWitch

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Image: DLopez

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Gratitude: “Thank You Very Much” (GW)

For some reason this year, starting just before Halloween, we seemed to be on some mad rush to Christmas — the season of the “GIMME!!!” Yes, I understand the economy needs to see some serious spending from us and, yes, Mercury retrogrades starting Black Friday, so from an astrological stand point, major purchases should be avoided. However, skipping the appreciation for the Season of Thanks, says volumes more about our lack or appreciation for all we currently have.

Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on all that we are grateful for. Why is this important? Because it allows us to take a moment in the present to take stock of all we have created in our lives. It is a time of taking stock of what really works in our lives — a chance to focus on what is right. This builds optimism! This builds personal appreciation! Gratitude is a foundational building block to happiness.

So before you rush to look at your life to see what is missing so you can put it on your Christmas Wish List, take a moment to breathe. Be grateful for strong lungs that can take in and process air without strain or pain. Not everyone is so fortunate. Take a moment to reflect on those you have had the pleasure and good fortune to love and those who love you. Give good fortune for the eyes to read these simple words and the brain capacity to understand it. Give thanks because no matter the challenges in your life, you are alive and that means you have the blessing of another day to make a new start.

Namaste — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Addicted to Love: Buffy the Slayer…of Exes

Just as old music videos and TV series hold a fun and retro charm, they’re not reflective entertainment of who you are today. Not toying with people’s hearts, either.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — In college I was engaged to this guy. Then I decided I was way too young to be that serious and broke it off with him as nicely as I knew how, but he was still heartbroken and took a long time to get over me. Well he just showed up again 7 years later, I was stupidly weak, between boyfriends and started it up again. I guess I just felt lonely and this was there, so easy. Now I’ totally regretting this. How do I break up with this nice guy again? —Guilty Feet

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Dear Guilty Feet,

Honey, you need to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle of what you want in relationships — and stop using other people as convenience appliances for your amusement. It’s clear your ex-/current/ex-/current b/f is not like me, because I’d never allow someone to push and pull me as you have him over the years, so it’s very likely he won’t appreciate my answer any more than I expect you will. Yet, I manage to continue. Very simply: you both will benefit from identifying and acknowledging that whatever it was that was so great back in the day is over (developmentally), and if it is not, it’s still not the same warm-fuzzy relationship you had as kids because you’re not the same people today. Seven years completes one cycle of personal growth and living (if nothing else, physically you don’t have the same hair, skin or…heart!). Move on, both of you. This hanging on, fall-back default is not a healthy way to have relationships (for different yet co-dependent reasons of both of you), and hey, Guilty Feet?, you will benefit from working on getting over your need for blind adoration. That will be the best thing you can do for this “nice guy” once and for all.

Time for a new dance,

BadWitch

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Dear Guilty Feet,

Well, it’s complicated. First thing I’m going to say is, “STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!” You said you would date the guy again, not commit to bearing his children. You tried again, admirable. You had the courage to see if there was something still there. Now you know there is an end date. Don’t blame yourself because this is not a long-term relationship. Take a deep breath and figure out how to let him down easy.

Realize that he may be a nice guy, but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in the relationship. Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation that make you responsible for his happiness is just not ok.  He is a grown man who must learn to deal with disappointment—whether in relationships, career or other situations. That is life.

Your job is to be sure to be compassionate. You two have a relationship and history, which does not mean that just because your romantic relationship is ending all communications and friendship has to end with it. Be honest and straight-forward and communicate your intent to end the romantic portion of your relationship.

Let him know that he is a good person. Let him know that you do not like disappointing him and that although some of the hurt may be inevitable, there is light at the other side of this juncture. Compassion is king. Here are some tips on how to do the break up thing, but really first forgive yourself for the last time. Doing what is right for you will sometimes leave others with hurt feelings. It is inevitable. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Forgive yourself, be truthful with him and do what has to be done before the infection of resentment sinks in.

The truth will set you free,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Willingness vs. Obligation (BW)

I have a lifelong policy of banning “obligation” from my life. The action bit of that noun, I mean. As a hyper-responsible type, I’m not worried this might lead me to confusion of becoming reckless or neglectful of what needs to get and be done in my life. I just want to avoid becoming bitter and/or going numb. Simply put, my criteria for doing things that are required in life are I: 1) need to for survival (i.e., bill paying); 2) want to (pay extra for eating out); or 3) have a passion to (create, share or help expand someone or –thing, or my capacity/self). As a result, my energy that goes into doing a thing because of either of those categories is positive, if not downright peacefully easy and light.

But even all good, enduring philosophies do not go untested in life. After all, that’s what we (literally) live for: to learn lessons. What to do when life throws you the inevitable tests that make you want to run and hide from a responsibility, or throw things, preferably messy breakables? Find your own personal mantra (I have repeated, “There for the grace of god go I,” — uhhm, quite a lot) and if the going gets really tough, I find the best method of embracing something while tamping down your own discordant ego is to jump for joy and say out loud(ly) how much you are grateful for doing this thing, for example, “I am so blessed to have X in my life to (manage/take care of/pay for, etc)! I love learning how lucky I am to have simple lessons like this to teach me! I’m happy I’m starting to be less frustrated by X each day!!” Really make the statements as ridiculous, loud — but true — as possible. Do not lie to yourself (e.g., “I love doing this work!”) when a thing/your attitude has not shifted yet. You will only be putting that into your system (brain, body chemistry, body memory), too. Only re-program with the truth and — don’t forget to LAUGH OUT LOUD at how silly your own ego makes you feel when you do this exercise.

Do you do things in life because you feel duty-bound and obligated, as a habit? How do you expand your willingness in life, most especially when it is most challenging? — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Willingness vs. Obligation (GW)

The difference between a chore and a responsibility is a mindset. Are you giving away your energy with a side order of resentment? Have you chained yourself—through guilt or shame—to someone else’s to-do list? The act of completing the task (whatever the task) will be draining and somewhat demoralizing.

Flip the script. Do what you do because you allow it to benefit you. Perhaps you help a friend because you love seeing her that happy that someone else is taking time for her. Maybe you say yes to volunteering at school because you like having a better education for your children despite continued budget cuts.

No one likes to work around the clock. We all want breaks. We all want to feel needed and at other times we just need others to recognize our need to be left alone. Pull back gently if you need to take a break. A broken you is helping no one. Then jump back in, but give from love. I work because I love having a paycheck to pay the bills. I blog because I love to write. I allow my brain to register that the responsibility is not a burdensome chore. It is an opportunity.

Carpe diem — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.


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