Tag Archives: love

Gratitude: “Thank You Very Much” (GW)

For some reason this year, starting just before Halloween, we seemed to be on some mad rush to Christmas — the season of the “GIMME!!!” Yes, I understand the economy needs to see some serious spending from us and, yes, Mercury retrogrades starting Black Friday, so from an astrological stand point, major purchases should be avoided. However, skipping the appreciation for the Season of Thanks, says volumes more about our lack or appreciation for all we currently have.

Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on all that we are grateful for. Why is this important? Because it allows us to take a moment in the present to take stock of all we have created in our lives. It is a time of taking stock of what really works in our lives — a chance to focus on what is right. This builds optimism! This builds personal appreciation! Gratitude is a foundational building block to happiness.

So before you rush to look at your life to see what is missing so you can put it on your Christmas Wish List, take a moment to breathe. Be grateful for strong lungs that can take in and process air without strain or pain. Not everyone is so fortunate. Take a moment to reflect on those you have had the pleasure and good fortune to love and those who love you. Give good fortune for the eyes to read these simple words and the brain capacity to understand it. Give thanks because no matter the challenges in your life, you are alive and that means you have the blessing of another day to make a new start.

Namaste — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Addicted to Love: Buffy the Slayer…of Exes

Just as old music videos and TV series hold a fun and retro charm, they’re not reflective entertainment of who you are today. Not toying with people’s hearts, either.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — In college I was engaged to this guy. Then I decided I was way too young to be that serious and broke it off with him as nicely as I knew how, but he was still heartbroken and took a long time to get over me. Well he just showed up again 7 years later, I was stupidly weak, between boyfriends and started it up again. I guess I just felt lonely and this was there, so easy. Now I’ totally regretting this. How do I break up with this nice guy again? —Guilty Feet

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Dear Guilty Feet,

Honey, you need to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle of what you want in relationships — and stop using other people as convenience appliances for your amusement. It’s clear your ex-/current/ex-/current b/f is not like me, because I’d never allow someone to push and pull me as you have him over the years, so it’s very likely he won’t appreciate my answer any more than I expect you will. Yet, I manage to continue. Very simply: you both will benefit from identifying and acknowledging that whatever it was that was so great back in the day is over (developmentally), and if it is not, it’s still not the same warm-fuzzy relationship you had as kids because you’re not the same people today. Seven years completes one cycle of personal growth and living (if nothing else, physically you don’t have the same hair, skin or…heart!). Move on, both of you. This hanging on, fall-back default is not a healthy way to have relationships (for different yet co-dependent reasons of both of you), and hey, Guilty Feet?, you will benefit from working on getting over your need for blind adoration. That will be the best thing you can do for this “nice guy” once and for all.

Time for a new dance,

BadWitch

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Dear Guilty Feet,

Well, it’s complicated. First thing I’m going to say is, “STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!” You said you would date the guy again, not commit to bearing his children. You tried again, admirable. You had the courage to see if there was something still there. Now you know there is an end date. Don’t blame yourself because this is not a long-term relationship. Take a deep breath and figure out how to let him down easy.

Realize that he may be a nice guy, but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in the relationship. Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation that make you responsible for his happiness is just not ok.  He is a grown man who must learn to deal with disappointment—whether in relationships, career or other situations. That is life.

Your job is to be sure to be compassionate. You two have a relationship and history, which does not mean that just because your romantic relationship is ending all communications and friendship has to end with it. Be honest and straight-forward and communicate your intent to end the romantic portion of your relationship.

Let him know that he is a good person. Let him know that you do not like disappointing him and that although some of the hurt may be inevitable, there is light at the other side of this juncture. Compassion is king. Here are some tips on how to do the break up thing, but really first forgive yourself for the last time. Doing what is right for you will sometimes leave others with hurt feelings. It is inevitable. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Forgive yourself, be truthful with him and do what has to be done before the infection of resentment sinks in.

The truth will set you free,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Willingness vs. Obligation (BW)

I have a lifelong policy of banning “obligation” from my life. The action bit of that noun, I mean. As a hyper-responsible type, I’m not worried this might lead me to confusion of becoming reckless or neglectful of what needs to get and be done in my life. I just want to avoid becoming bitter and/or going numb. Simply put, my criteria for doing things that are required in life are I: 1) need to for survival (i.e., bill paying); 2) want to (pay extra for eating out); or 3) have a passion to (create, share or help expand someone or –thing, or my capacity/self). As a result, my energy that goes into doing a thing because of either of those categories is positive, if not downright peacefully easy and light.

But even all good, enduring philosophies do not go untested in life. After all, that’s what we (literally) live for: to learn lessons. What to do when life throws you the inevitable tests that make you want to run and hide from a responsibility, or throw things, preferably messy breakables? Find your own personal mantra (I have repeated, “There for the grace of god go I,” — uhhm, quite a lot) and if the going gets really tough, I find the best method of embracing something while tamping down your own discordant ego is to jump for joy and say out loud(ly) how much you are grateful for doing this thing, for example, “I am so blessed to have X in my life to (manage/take care of/pay for, etc)! I love learning how lucky I am to have simple lessons like this to teach me! I’m happy I’m starting to be less frustrated by X each day!!” Really make the statements as ridiculous, loud — but true — as possible. Do not lie to yourself (e.g., “I love doing this work!”) when a thing/your attitude has not shifted yet. You will only be putting that into your system (brain, body chemistry, body memory), too. Only re-program with the truth and — don’t forget to LAUGH OUT LOUD at how silly your own ego makes you feel when you do this exercise.

Do you do things in life because you feel duty-bound and obligated, as a habit? How do you expand your willingness in life, most especially when it is most challenging? — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Willingness vs. Obligation (GW)

The difference between a chore and a responsibility is a mindset. Are you giving away your energy with a side order of resentment? Have you chained yourself—through guilt or shame—to someone else’s to-do list? The act of completing the task (whatever the task) will be draining and somewhat demoralizing.

Flip the script. Do what you do because you allow it to benefit you. Perhaps you help a friend because you love seeing her that happy that someone else is taking time for her. Maybe you say yes to volunteering at school because you like having a better education for your children despite continued budget cuts.

No one likes to work around the clock. We all want breaks. We all want to feel needed and at other times we just need others to recognize our need to be left alone. Pull back gently if you need to take a break. A broken you is helping no one. Then jump back in, but give from love. I work because I love having a paycheck to pay the bills. I blog because I love to write. I allow my brain to register that the responsibility is not a burdensome chore. It is an opportunity.

Carpe diem — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.


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Trust (inspiration)

“Trust your own instinct.  Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”  — Billy Wilder

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” — Walter Anderson

“Trust your hunches.  They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.”  — Joyce Brothers

“It is a puzzling thing.  The truth knocks on the door and you say, “Go away, I’m looking for the truth,” and so it goes away.  Puzzling.”  —Robert M. Pirsig

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Trust (GW)

It is almost impossible to trust any human completely unless you have learned to trust yourself. And self-trust is an uphill struggle on a greased slip and slide for many of us. Trust in one’s own judgment. Trust in our own abilities and trust in our own vision. Tricky.

Map your life. Where have you been? What were he critical junctures? Remind yourself of the critical decisions you got right. The ability you have shown. The determination to survive you’ve demonstrated. The people you have loved who love you. Apparently, you did some things right. Yes, there may have been mistakes, but that is what makes you human. Divinely human. “Don’t be upset, it’s just a milkshake.”

Trust is built on history—a history of recognized decision-making, adapting, living and loving to the best of your ability. Making decisions for your best interest and the best interest of those you love. Map your history and learn to trust. Namaste — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Dating Chat, Scared Bambi

When easy peasy natural chat reveals attraction and real date interest, deer in headlights syndrome can ensue. Dimming those high beams and safely crossing the road to fun.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — This is a dating question I think. When I meet new guys, I’m really relaxed and friendly and they ask me out because I’m pretty. My problem is I freeze up with the ones I really like when I realize its now a date kind of thing, and not just a chat up about nothing. Giveme some advice on how to relax and not change myself when I’m dating and not just being friends.Dating Doe

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Dear Dating Doe,

I think you’re onto something subconsciously because I’m not sure this is strictly a dating question, either. Do you feel like you have performance anxiety around other situations you assign importance to, like presentations or public speaking, or maybe tests if you’re still in school? Don’t just blow it off with an easy ‘no’ because your mind is primarily on the dating. Think about it and look for any patterns you may have.

When and if you do identify that you place more value over some situations than similar but less formal others (i.e, you are an A or B student at a subject but test at B- or C level frequently), then you could benefit from learning to let go of perfectionism and start practicing going with the flow and even — gulp! — “failing” a few times. Get the feel for Nike-ing it more often in life, and release yourself from the pressure of reacting like you have to turn in opening night-level Broadway performances all the time. Don’t stall (or reject) yourself when you realize you’re standing in the starting gate. If you feel you are likable and fun when you’re not trying to impress a guy, then try not impressing the next few, and pretend you’re chatting up an old familiar friend. This works equally well for tests, work presentations and public speaking, but you have to practice being yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin, you have to understand before you can own who you are.

Buddha say Relax,

BadWitch

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Dear Dating Doe,

OMG! That’s so cute!

OK, I totally get it, but why is it you know you are pretty, have a good rapport with guys in general and freak when you like them. Why would you suddenly decide you need to change who you are or act differently just to be liked? Here’s the deal, when you are just feeling friends with a guy you have no issues, right? You feel like you can be yourself and comfortable, because the balance of power feels even.

Now, then you decide you like a guy, seem to shift all the power over to him and then freak yourself out trying to be the kind of girl he will like. WHAT? He already likes you cause you were that cute, confident girls. Be yourself. That is what will attract him to you. But more importantly, take some time to check him out. Does he have what it takes to hang with you? Does he appreciate your sense of humor (key), your quirkiness and your goofy side? Realize that he must. If your relationship is going to make it past the first couple of dates, you have to be honestly yourself with him.

Take a deep breath. Realize he may not be the one, but he has a lot to teach you about being you in relationships. Decide to trust yourself enough to know you have an infinite amount of appeal by just being you. Then make the decision to trust him with seeing the whole you. That is the scary part. You must trust that this guy will see you and remain a gentleman. You must trust that he will not make you feel bad about who you are. But you know what? Even if he does, you are blessed! Because now you know this dude isn’t worth the time of day. You can kick him to the curb and keep rolling.

You have much to offer and by your question, I say at least part of you knows that. Let that part lead in this new world. Challenge yourself to show up for yourself like never before. Let yourself by seen so you can finally feel like you are a fully known quantity in a relationship. It will be freeing. It will be magnificent. It will be you, showing up as you for you.

Mantra: I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and I am awesome just as I am. I will be me for me, so that I can feel comfortable and seen in all my relationships. I will not hide to be liked. I am liked because I am free to be me.

Deep breath. Remember you rock. Now go,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Job Offer Relocate or Reject & Stay?

When partners can’t agree on one’s job offer that affects both, the job at hand is to choose the best compromise.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife has a (lateral) job offer from her firm that necessitates our relocating across the country. We know no one in that state, its job prospects for me are on par with most any other state, we could buy a lot of house there by selling ours here, and we have one preschool child. Here’s the kicker, I want her to pull the trigger more than she seems to want to. She seems satisfied with her work but I think they’re trying to save her job with this offer. I fear she will stay and then get laid off and we need both salaries. We’ve talked and talked but just can’t come to agreement. Suggestions?  Worried Hubby

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Dear Worried Hubby,

Since you say you’ve both talked it through so much, let’s not debate the merits of your wife taking this job as you’d like. Let’s have you two honestly explore your individual fears around both her scenarios: accepting and rejecting the offer.

It sounds simple but I like a good pro/con-type list for such quandries, and especially if I’m in one with someone else. Writing it out will help you two see your own and each other’s underlying fears more clearly and completely, and that allows you both to connect the dots to your actual line items of financial impact, realistic stability of her company/current job,  your age(s) to starting over elsewhere, the tax benefits between your current versus a more inexpensive home, and so much more. I am suggesting this list be developed and written as objectively as possible, and using different color pens will help you see each other’s points all the clearer.

Your primary challenge is not to be right, but to untangle the emotions from this situation, to make the best decision for your family together you know how.

More teamwork, less worry,

BadWitch

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Dear Worried Hubby,

There is more to moving than the bottom line. I get what your concerns are, and they are valid. However, I think you may be overlooking your wife’s concerns.

Yes, you can have more house, but your salary in this new place is not guaranteed. And the amount of that salary will probably be commensurate with the state, as opposed to what you are making now where you are. Also, you will have no support.  That may not seem like much now, but no one to ask for last minute help. No one to invite over for pizza, beer and communing that you know you can let down all your pretenses with and just hang. Babysitters, schools, friends will all have to be vetted again in the hopes of carving out a niche in a community you can really feel at home in. You are ready to make this leap, but my guess is, your wife may not be as ready to be cut adrift in a strange new place.

Perhaps you two can work out how you are both feeling about your options in a couple of lists. One lists is your pro and con list on moving, another is hers. The next list is ideas for making it work if you stay and she gets laid off. Another may be lists of possible job opportunities and starting salaries in the new state. Get a better sense of all the factors. Do you know % of joblessness in the new state vs. where you are? Do you know whether there are more jobs in your wife’s field or yours? Who will have an easier time finding new work?

Both of you should start applying to jobs—she should look where you are now and you should look in this new place. See who starts to get positive feedback. Maybe she finds work where you are now, doesn’t have to give up her community and you two don’t need to incorporate the chaos of moving into your lives. Or maybe you get some great results from your new job search and spark her interest. Seems like you both need more real world research to know what the best choice is.

I know you are worried and looking for the best possible outcome for your family. Trust that your wife is as well. Now, investigate so you can make decisions based on real world opportunities rather than unrealized fears. It’s the best way to put that worry energy to good use and limit regret.

Mantra: We both want what is best for the family. We will not react from fear, but from knowns. If we act together, we can make it through whatever changes are ahead because we are a family.

Happy researching,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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True Love…? And Other Urban Myths

Our culture loves love. But when love goes wrong, everyone loves to mock (see TMZ), what’s up with that conflict? Is true love the Big Foot of our hearts-land?      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Does true love even exist? What’s this obsession with Jennifer Aniston’s love life and whether she’s pregnant “yet”? I got kinda depressed when I just read George Lopez is divorcing his wife after 17 years even after she saved his life 5 years ago by giving him a kidney. I know Hollywood people aren’t “real people” but we all see their love lives and I can’t help thinking this is a bad trend for true love. Jaded Too Young?

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Dear Jaded,

I’m unsure whether “true” love exists, but I positively, definitely love this question! While I have been the lucky recipient of much unconditional love, have had equal luck with relationships of the heart (lasting!) as Solitaire on my iPad (3 minutes average game time!), and know/experienced/given/received a general warm-fuzzy, heart-strengthening love for other humans, animals and the passion of creating, my Inner Judge and Jury are still out deliberating on “romantic love” — which I feel is closest to the question of “true love.” Oh, trust me when I say that I have thoroughly thought about this subject in the absolute most pseudo-intellectual yet achingly earnest ways, and concluded most unscientifically that romantic love historically started out as a political and business transaction, and in our culture’s more recent times morphed into a marketing salve to soothe our empirically solo existences, as much as to sell edible underwear and Valentine’s Day crap. But it certainly is intoxicating.

So don’t look for true love modeling in celebrity pop culture (but, psssst!!, what do you think about the Demi and Ashton affair thing? Ohnohedi’ent!) as any sort of North Star for or barometer of true love — spend more time finding your own ways you can (re-)learn to trust, be open, be in the moment by learning from and leaving behind past hurts, share of yourself with others, and the real sort of love I hear you pining for, will know to begin to find its way to you. …And then you’ll have to learn how to open the door and let it in. …And then, even more work ensues with this business of “true love”…

Speaking of intoxication, while dipping my systems in my latest dopamine and oxytocin cocktail, I’d completely forgotten we’d answered this question of true love in another form last year. And I still agree with myself.

Love ya, mean it!

BadWitch

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Dear Jaded,

Ah, True Love, Soul Mate, Twin Flame—the elusive perfect mate with whom you are perfectly suited and a relationship that requires no work because you are “meant to be.” Yes, Jaded Too Young, part of that is true urban myth.

Relationships require work. Being in relationship with another being means getting to face another human that amplifies and mirrors a host of your own insecurities and issues. It is an opportunity to face those places where you are too scared or can’t trust. It is an opportunity to accept more of who you are and more of who someone else is surrendering judgment and control. It is a lively dance of energy that requires being honest with yourself and the other person—regularly.

Does love exist? Absolutely—but not in some ‘happily ever after’ way. Keeping the flame alive means keeping it interesting, as well as keeping up an interest in the other person’s life and activities. Sadly after a few years and a few kids it is easy to grow apart because interests and activities are no longer aligned, which can happen after a few years of marriage. A relationship in which the only communication is about ToDo Lists and laying out responsibility for tasks is not love or a marriage. If the heart of the caring and communication is gone, not much is left. And in the case of the Lopez marriage, why stay if the heart is no longer there? Just because she saved his life does not mean he is suppose to mortgage that life to exist in a loveless marriage. Both parties have to actively want to be in it for true love to exist.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in love. I believe in marriages that can last happily for 50-60 years. I’ve seen it. But that takes work by both parties. Sometimes it means admitting where you are wrong. Sometimes it means forgiving. And often it means accepting what is. The downfall in a relationship is trying to change someone else to match your needs. They are who they are and will most likely be some version of that person for the rest of their lives. If that’s a deal breaker now, move on. It’s not love it’s a project.

True love fights, manages every day issues like who’s doing the dishes and struggles to make romance out of another night at home watching TV. It is not all candlelight and private orchestra serenades. It’s work. Work on your part to really show up as all of you: honest, open, loving, compassionate and, yes, vulnerable, as well as powerful and independent. True love is sharing this “life” existence of bills, noise, distraction and responsibilities with another person who gets you. It will probably not resemble the fairytale, but there will be some absolutely magical moments. AND it may not last forever but if you can keep coming back to the foundational friendship, you may be able to find longevity. Enjoy each day as it comes and commune with the someone you love as honestly and compassionately as you can. Love is in the connection, not the drama.

Don’t Stop Believin’,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Texts, Dating & Making You Wait

I’m updating ‘Sex, Lies & Videotape’ because that women-men connection thing has always been shaky.What’s the dating etiquette around texting, again? If it weren’t for that new toughie, dating would be so much easier. Guys that make you go Hold— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I went on a date with this great guy. I know we shouldn’t have, but we slept together on the first date. Now he only texts me. I like him, what do I do? Sex Before Texting

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Dear Sex Before Texting,

LOL, this is sadly super common these days. As if dating weren’t hard enough, now the faceless ability to be potentially shady is thrown in the mix. I don’t know if you’re 20 or 50, but who hasn’t experienced being misunderstood in a full email with a good acquaintance, never mind texting a newbie? It’d be easy to say don’t text, but It’s Complicated is closer to useful.

What’s a gal to do? When it comes to dating and all things romantically social, there’s so much conflicting advice out there raging from the throwback Harlequin-leaning The Rules to the more balanced look of Dating For Dummies. I am not endorsing a book I never finished reading (uh, and that’s all three of these titles), but I like the basic truth-telling message of He’s Just Not That Into You . So nach, the way I see it is that the flood of dating titles on book shelves and online reflects the tendency of so many women to spend a whole lot of time thinking about any man (some of that’s natural, some unhealthy). I would like more of us to start thinking more often of ourselves. When you work on knowing yourself, you’ll start to understand your true needs (sex included), and suddenly you’re attracting the situations and people who most tend to support those needs (and values they’re based on), until that day when you start meeting your own most basic (then beyond) needs, instead of giving away that power to a guy who might have only ever been meant to be a good hang out time. Then when some asshole texts you a “Not in mkt 2 buy cow”-equivalent, it’ll be because you’re a live stock trader. And if you’re not, then you can Delete his contact quick style and move on…To your next night out where you will have gained the ability to faster identify his bromancing, man-code abiding, man cave-dwelling brahs, and avoid any behavior (you brought up sex on the first date, and BTW my forte is not moralizing, but do be safe) that doesn’t seem to have worked/be working for you and contributes to being treated in a way you don’t appreciate.

OK now I’m good whew! — yet I know you still like this cool fool. So go ahead and call him, see if he’s more than that. Actually talking will up your chances of better assessing his intentions (with you specifically) and character by how that conversation, or (chronically un-)returned voice mail goes. If you continue to get his VM, I personally wouldn’t call more than once a week and for no more than two weeks before moving on. If your phone chat is (actually; do not make excuses or rationalize on his behalf) a good start, then keep talking and grow the larger convo. Ladies, I love men and hubster knows I’m even friendly with some exes. One of the reasons I’m so partial to them is because they are simple creatures who basically say (and act) what they mean. I’m saying, no need to waste your precious life force endlessly scrutinizing, over-analyzing, hypothesizing and then making bat crap up about “what he really means” — 99% of the time, they just told you, but you have to shut up your mind chatter to fully listen much less hear. Towards getting to “meet your own needs,” date texting-only is a rocky road.

Expect men to actually talk to you, not text — except to confirm dates, plural — so you can have fun as much as cut the thread on the ones that aren’t ready to handle the bright light that is your once-in-a-lifetime uniqueness.

TTYL,

BadWitch

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(Call me an Old Fogie, but the following advice is intended for those 18 yrs or older. Frankly, if you’re under 18, whether or not to have sex can have a myriad of other consequences I am not getting into here, from reputation and emotional trauma to disease and pregnancy. Doesn’t mean you can’t read it. Just means you should know I am not taking in the factors of high school.)

Dear Texting,

Ah, young love. What is there to do? Stop, reassess where you are and what you want out of this relationship and take back your power!

For starters, what is this “not suppose to”? ‘Kay, true my sexual history has more in common with SATC Samantha Jones, than Sandra Dee, but come on, what year are we living in? You met him. You liked him. Clearly, there was chemistry and you let that take you forward on what I am hoping for you was a fiery, festive good time. Where do you hope to take this relationship? Decide. Then act.

If you are already planning the wedding—STOP! The idea is to get to know someone, not predetermine the course of your relationship. Get to know him, biblically and personally if that is what you want to do. But be clear about what you are hoping/ looking for first. Then act appropriately. If you’re in it for fun, but need some human connection to fuel that (which I think is quite valid considering how women are wired), then text, phone or date should be fine as long as there is real communication afoot.

If you are seeking the future father of your kids, again, STOP!!! Not enough date time to see if there is connection and if he cannot connect as you would like him to, thank him for making that known now. And thank yourself for being clear with what you are looking for —for yourself. Maybe you don’t want to be the first date girl. But you have to know who you are and what you want, not what society has said you should or shouldn’t do.

If you are going along with this text only relationship either some part of you thinks you must acquiesce in order to keep your man—uh, he’s not your man. Yuck. If, however, you are holding onto some rule that he must call you—Gossip Girl dating tips—but you want to actually talk to him, either say it on your next get together or dial the phone. Now, don’t go calling in high emo-mode looking “To Talk.”. If your interest is connecting then call and connect. Laugh, talk, find out about each other’s day. If you are looking for connection beyond the phone, make it by putting yourself (that’s the vulnerable heart/personality not the body) out there.

Personally, as a writer, I love texting. It is like foreplay—all wit and factoids. I get to see if I’m dealing with someone who can spell and understands punctuation. OK, geeking out, but that stuff matters to me. Now, if you are sexting, clearly you are uncomfortable with this physically focused relationship. Stop It! Keep the texts about you the vibrant person, not your boobs or what you’d like to do with them.

I guess what I’m saying is, your boy is still communicating with you. Decide how to use that as a means to connect in a personal way so that you can connect personally with each other—beyond the physical. After all, at this stage of a relationship, that’s all you can really hope for. Getting to know each other and finding connection and joy.

Happy Connecting,

GoodWitch

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