Tag Archives: judgmental

Word! Deleting Slut & Ho from Our Vocabulary (GW)

Why are women calling women “bitch,” “whore” or if you’re from New Jersey, “whoo-ah?” Do you not realize that how you choose to see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. Critical, judgmental people tend to be very critical and judgmental of themselves. And guess what, the people who are loving and think the best of others, usually think the best of themselves. So what does it say that we choose to call a woman a slut because she is unashamed of her sexuality? Who are you to judge who she dates or how she dates. It is her life and her relationships.

But no, we throw these hateful, cutting terms at women hoping to cut their self-esteem. Hoping to inflict wounds so great that they question how they create relationships, how they live their lives. It’s fucked up, people. But most especially true when one woman does it to another. Beware the whiplash of karma when you know the level of pain you can inflict with your weapon and choose to do so willfully, without mercy and without remorse. — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.


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Family Court: Judgments at Reunion Time

The word “family”gets eyes rolling and pushes some people’s hot buttons of insecurity or far more negative emotions. When it comes to the Big Family Reunion, maybe to attain acceptance, it’s time to switch to zippers.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a family reunion (huge, people fly in from around the country and we have committees to organize it) coming up and I’m finding I’m vainer for this thing than my high school reunion! I mean, hair, Botox, liposuction vain. What accounts for this nuttiness for family members who should love me no matter what?  — Relatively Vain

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Dear Relatively Vain,

Well you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. No one can bring out your insecurities with off-handed discussions about your complexion, your butt or the intimate sundries of your life like family. Comments friends, coworkers and acquaintances would never dare utter (with you in the room) are free fodder for full family discussion because on some level you share DNA.

I’m sure, somewhere there are families who are not doing this to each other. But, I come from a traditional African-American family where only the deep dark family secrets are off the table. If it’s your physicality—weight gained or lost, hair cut or grown—doctor’s notes, test results, or dating status, is all in-bounds. This alone is enough to make you slimfast, bodyshape, and nip/tuck to avoid scrutiny. Though you should realize, this is your family, those nip/tucks, etc. are still open for discussion.

Remember family is family. If you are feeling insecure, remember that’s your stuff. They may be obnoxious. They may pry and discuss your body like a newly purchased side of beef, but they love you. They care and they will always be there for you—whether you Botox before or not. But, please realize, if you Botox, they will know—and talk about it. If you get breast implants, butt implants, rhinoplasty or anything else that changes the outcome of the genetic materials you share—they will talk about it—and probably not nicely .

So, what’s the answer. Know that it is not just you. Truly nutty, loving families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family loves you, no matter if or how they are able to show it. The fact that everyone spends the time and money to come together for the reunion—proves it. Be compassionate about your families over-sharing. Do not judge them for it or choose to feel judged. Instead, decide this is one way that your family shares the big stuff and the minutia of family because they care enough to want to know it all. Choose to be you. Be comfortable and accept that family is as family does. Choose to accept yourself, your family, your genes and the scrutiny that comes with it. U B U. Get your hair done. Make sure you have a nice outfit and clean underwear (in case of accident) and go in there as yourself. That’s all they want to see, anyway.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Relatively Vain,

Confession! I’m that weirdo for whom the word “family” has a strongly positive association — including our shared delusion that we’re all smokin’ hot. So…

You can love, hate, or in-between them, but while family are the people most of us wouldn’t normally choose as our friends, they are our first identifiers/labelers, and perspective/values givers to How the World Really Is. This deep seeded imprinting is hard but not impossible to overcome, should you decide you’re ready to drop your story (e.g., I’m fat; will never amount to anything; or tall people are richer, etc.) or otherwise “rewrite your script.”

Generally, I don’t mind enhancements and procedures if you’re truly doing them for you or your health. I mind (for you) that you seem to have undergone a lot of time, expense and pain for other peoples’ (shared DNA or not) approval. Go stand in the mirror naked and stare and stare at your face and body. If you’re really brave, take some pictures (or have a friend do it); you can always Delete them later. Note what you like and dislike, hate and love about whichever parts pull and keep your eyes staring. Finally, to the parts you most dislike or even hate, say out loud to them, “Thank you for helping me see the world,” or “Digesting the nutrients that give me energy,” or “Giving me a portable, comfortable seat to sit on,” etc. You get the idea. Say out loud your praise and gratitude statements to these parts — touch or hold them as you speak — at least once a day, preferably naked in the shower or as you’re dressing for your day. [Acceptance doesn’t mean throwing up you hands and “settling” for your crappy parts, oh well. You can choose to actively make changes/ improvements/ enhancements to these parts while you praise and thank for what they do for you in their perfection today. This acceptance of responsibility helps us close the circle of self-acceptance.]

You can always buy New & Improved! cheekbones and hair, but inside out, you will still reflect the worst bits and pieces your family passed along, if you don’t make the true changes you deem necessary to live that more authentically beautiful version of You.

We are family,

BadWitch

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Image, Frida Kahlo’s Family Tree

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Scrooged! Ghost of Christmas Budget Got You Dispirited?

It’s baaack! Christmas gift giving season this year is especially challenging for many people. Turns out “budget” may be the new “charge!” Giving with chutzpah from the heart.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My hours at work were cut. I can’t afford the same presents for the holidays as I could before. I know this is stupid of me but I can’t help myself. I’m kind of ashamed. Do you have suggestions for gifts or how I can just relax about this? I know I’m being stupid.    — Less Mistletoe

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Dear Less Mistletoe,

No matter what you celebrate — Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Yule — there is going to be less greenery for many people this year. With, unemployment estimates at more than 15 million people and the number of cutbacks those lucky enough to keep their jobs, Santa will be delivering more tradition and less goodies. There is no reason to fee ashamed. You are trying your best to provide the best Christmas experience possible for your family.

This does not mean that you can’t enjoy a beautiful and bright holiday. On the contrary there are some great, less expensive ways to make the holiday bright. First off, know your budget. If you are spending money on a live Christmas tree — STOP! Invest in a nice artificial tree that you can reuse year after year. The savings will continue to feed your budget for years to come.

Mix homemade and store bought presents under the tree this year. Granddad and Grandmom will be quite happy with a scrapbook of pictures and art work from the kids. Trust me, big hit. Handmade handbags, pillowcases or sleeping bags for the Barbies are easy to sew and keepsakes you and the kids will treasure. Beaded jewelry, mosaic tiles for the garden, any number of easy to do crafts will delight your present openers.

For store bought gifts under the tree, I suggest online shopping CyberMondays for extra savings and check all brands for rebates before making your purchase. This can save you extra cash on big purchases. Also, check out coupons available online . Do your research. You may find what you want on EBay for less. Check second hand stores like CrossRoads Trading Company for high-end fashion items ready for a second life. Listen, no one will say no to a Kenneth Cole leather jacket in great condition because you found it used for under $40. A good buy is a good buy. Remember the old, “need to know basis” rule. For the most part, your giftees need not know.

Remember, Christmas isn’t about how much stuff you have to give or what you get. In truth, the best present you can give your family is your love and attention. It’s the gift Santa can’t bring that they will remember for years to come.

Happy Holidays,

GoodWitch

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Dear Mistletoe less is more,

In the immortal words of my late night (TV, that is) boyfriend Craig Ferguson, “If you want to avoid the stress of Christmas, become Jewish.” In the best of times, the commercial holiday gift giving season can suck big shiny ornaments! “They” frame Black Friday as consumers supporting retail businesses supporting America. Really?, for once in your patriotic, generous life why not avoid the usual 11th Circle of Shopping Hell  and just give…of yourself?

I’ve been bestowed with some pretty darn nice gifts over my lifetime, but the ones that immediately pop to mind are the yummy tangerines in a cute (and no doubt inexpensive by the gross) wire basket I still use daily in my schmancy kitchen, and the hand-computer produced calendar another friend made for me. Beautiful!, and although it was gorgeous looking, I’m referring to the personal nature of the gift itself. Hate fruit? Untalented boob? Remember, some of the things we blow off because they come easily for us in life are the high quality gems of genius in other’s eyes. So just think about what comes naturally for you to create, do, enjoy eating, and those probably most accurately represent the authentic you that your friends and family know and love. DIY this Christmas. Write and gild a poem, or bind a short story. Pull together a themed photo CD of pictures taken on your phone camera. Create coupons for services you’re good at, auto repair, tech support, cooking or running time-saving errands. No time like the present. Get it?

Lastly, check your own gift receiving judgment before projecting it on others you’re giving to. Christmas with a budget doesn’t have to be feared.

It’s recess(ion) time,

BW

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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