Tag Archives: gay

Straight Son, Gay Friend Crush

Your kid’s straight but his gay friend is crushin’ on him. Defining moments in real friendships.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Our 15 year old son has a very close buddy who recently came out as gay. My son is fine with this, but says his friend has told him he is developing a crush on him. How can my son tell his good friend he’s not gay and not hurt his feelings?   — Happy Not Gay

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Dear Happy Not Gay,

Good job. How great is your son? He seems to be a sensitive and real friend. This gives me hope that their friendship is built on the same kind of openness and acceptance he exhibits. From there — it’s all about the snails and oysters — encourage your son young Antoninus to be (no pun intended) straight up truthful with his friend. “Crassus, I love you as a buddy but it’s never gonna happen Like That because on that field, we’re not playing on the same team.” Let the conversation flow naturally (which going by my brother’s convos with his crew when we were teens, should be all worked out in about six mumbles and two grunted Uh huhs). No worries from me. Sounds like your son has his friend’s interests at heart and knows how to empathize not sympathize. Labels are for clothes not relationships. Back him up, ‘rents.

True friendship ascends,

BadWitch

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Dear Happy Not Gay,

So, your son…your son’s friend…so why are you writing us? Sounds like this is an honest conversation between your son and his friend. Are you jumping in the middle because you’re uncomfortable? Mom, Dad, you’ll just have to let this one run its course, but if you need some help on wisdom-filled parental advice…

There is a difference between romantic feelings and platonic friendships, no matter the closeness of the friendship. You know if you are attracted to someone romantically or not. And just as your son may befriend a girl he does not want to be romantically linked to, so he can have male friends he is not interested in romantically.

The key to having the friendship endure past all these revelations is honesty. He must let his friend know with no uncertain terms that their bro-mance will never be a romance, however, he values the friendship, is undeterred by the friends change in orientation and looks forward to moving forward, as friends.

There may be a need for some time and space before things can get back to balanced, but your son must realize that with this revelation, things will never be exactly the same. It is always a bit awkward when one friend admits feelings for another, and another admits to a lack of feelings. It is possible to get back to communing as friends, but wounded feelings must heal. As a parent, all you can do is be there for good advice and loving, unwavering support. From there, your son is going to have to step out into the world and make or break his relationships all on his own.

Might as well let him start now.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Straightening Out Flaming, Gay Friend…Or Not

Fire! Don’t yell it in a movie theater, but definitely heed the call if your friend is screaming it loudly whenever you two are out. Love your bitches like you wanna be loved.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a friend who I love dearly and unconditionally. The problem is when we go out, he acts even more (stereotypically) gay than he normally is! It can be funny for a while, but then I get embarrassed for him. I don’t know why he needs this kind of attention. Loud & Proud Friend

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

I’m not sure how to answer this question. I mean, on the one hand, I understand the annoyance of friends who have “party personas” that come out whenever groups of 4 or more gather — especially when alcohol is added. But, I also can’t help but remember Roger, the fabulously gay husband in the remake of The Stepford Wives. Roger’s partner loved Roger’s flamboyant ways until he had the ability to change him into a Brooks Brothers wearing politician.

Are you missing your friend and thoughtful communication when you are out and about or are you looking for a way to shape him into more of your idea of who he should be. Either way, you can’t really control how someone chooses to present themselves to the world. Whether you decide to share your concerns or not, acceptance is key here.

If your “embarrassment” is actually for yourself because in public he seems beyond the boundaries of respectable behavior, say nothing. Then it’s your issue, not his. Your friend’s coming out when going out may be his own flag waving of independence. In which case, again, let it be.  Again, accept. He is who he is. If you are so embarrassed by his behavior, perhaps you should reduce how often you two go out together.

If you honestly believe your friend’s “party persona” is a mask he wears to hide in plain sight, then as his friend, you should have a heart-to-heart conversation. Let him know that you love, appreciate and respect him, however, you’ve noticed his need to over-compensate as the chandelier swinging fun boy when you are out. Let him know there is no need. He’s amazing as he is and has no need for over-compensating. Realize, however, that change doesn’t happen overnight. Also, reminding him of his over acting every time you go out may abruptly end your hang time. Most people do not want to party with their mother.

Either way, you can’t change how another person acts. You can only choose to accept or deny. Even if your friend is working on this “party persona,” realize lasting change takes time. Love and acceptance through the process, builds deep, lasting friendships. And remember, embarrassment is just on the other side of acceptance if you take the effort to make the journey. Watch The Bird Cage again. It will help.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

Not sure for whom “this kind of attention” is a problem for here… Darlin’ ask anyone who knows me daily, I always say about adjustments made in life: The pendulum never swings to the middle. Gay or straight, male or female, young or old, when we’re growing/changing, trying to find ourselves, or trying to feel comfortable showing our truest selves in public — face it, we’re all exactly the same: flawed human cupcakes. This fragility/frailty is just that, human. Even the most comfortable-in-her/his-skin and confident person, at minimum once in her/his life felt like a fake or that s/he had to act out to “come back home.”

Be happy knowing your friend knows he can act (another of those key words) his best and worst around you, and that means he knows he has your acceptance and you have his back. It’s often toughest to tell the ones we love they crazee!, or straight up assholes. Do your friend, yourself and your relationship a favor by letting him know (when he’s not acting out, drunk or otherwise not “himself” as you know him 9 of 10 times) that in your opinion, you think he’s better than he acts/treats himself at these times, and ask him if it’s ok if you poke him in the arm when he does it in real time. But be prepared if he tells you to f-off because he feels fine with  his flaming behavior, or doesn’t know what you’re talking about, etc. Let it go (and I’m taking face value facts at your word here). The girl ain’t ready. There’s one more in-between possibility, maybe that flamer is who he really is, and he’s acting when he’s toning himself down in the every day (ask yourself what does he do for a living, or what does your town look like?). In that case, just tell him with a wink that you’ve got his fire extinguisher — when he calls you for a friend 9-1-1 intervention — but in that instance for gawd’s sake, if you’re a true friend, don’t try to change him because he makes you feel uncomfortable!

LYMI!,

BadWitch

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Image, Till Krech

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission