Tag Archives: forgiveness

Grudges: Do You Hold Them? (inspiration)

Posted on March 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“He who angers you conquers you.” ~Elizabeth Kenny

“Anger is one letter short of danger.”~Anon

“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.”~ William H Walton

“People often grudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”~Aesop

“Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.”~Robert Brault

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Grudges: Do You Hold Them? (BW)

Posted on March 2, 2011 | 6 Comments

Of all things not to hold close to one’s heart most especially, a grudge would be in the top two. Sustained anger is the emotion that turns into resentment and bitterness. Negative emotions produce chaotic heart rhythms, which negatively impact the rest of the body’s systems. Studies show that for every five (5) minutes of anger you feel, your body’s immune system drops in effectiveness for 12 hours. Conversely, five minutes of happiness and love you feel does the same in the positive for your body and its systems.

Allowing yourself persistent feelings of resentment and grudges holds you in the past, eats away at you, and lessens your availability to better options and events in the present. Grudges make you less whole, and lesser than. Don’t bring your grudge’s bitterness and anger from the past that’s gone forever, into all your relationships today and tomorrow. Forgiveness is first a choice, and then a process of commitment. You must want to change and grow. When you do, then you can. Next, work on you(r) will.  — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Divvying Up Splitsville

Posted on January 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

Equal piece of the pie. The spoils of war. Everyone wants theirs. But in the division of property, is winner takes all really the goal in a war of hearts?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I finally did it!!!! I broke up with my assh*** long term (relationship). Now we’re divvying up property. The fights are starting all over again. Help! — Fractionator

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Dear Fractionator,

It sounds like congratulations are in order for successfully completing one cycle in your lessons. The trick for you two (and individually) is not to repeat the same trial-and-error homework but to repeat the successful outcome — in your case, a mature ending of something that was no longer serving you. Do the same thing with your things. After all, they are only as potent and valuable as you your selves assign and infuse them with. Keep the power you give freely to the things low, especially as to your emotions they represent (i.e., “That CD you bought me on our first date is mine,” but only because you are still attaching the old sentiment of his taking care of you to the plastic disc, etc. Fill in your own actual emotional ties). Set up rules before re-visiting this property division task (involve an impartial third party, if necessary). Agree to divide things fairly by BR and AR dates (Before Relationship and After Relationship), receipts, and/or any other empirical, pragmatic data or reasoning you can agree to.

Lastly, the other grey-area items should be put in the middle of the living room and “auctioned” for (I’m suggesting reasoned (vs. argued in the aggressive sense) for; best rhetoric prevails) in front of a pre-determined, mutually agreed upon impartial third party. All decisions final.

Lighten your spoils to move on fully,

BadWitch

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Dear Fractitioner,

Congratulations on standing up for you! Don’t stop now! Parsing out property is no easy feat!  There will be times that you must lay down a firm boundary and stake your claim and others when you will need to concede. The key to successfully “divvying” up the property will be your own presence with yourself and what you refuse to let go of and what you are ok with handing away.

Before your next “splitting up the goods” meeting, write out a list of property and star those items that you believe will be contentious creators. Decide ahead of time what your best outcome would be. BE FAIR!! Do not decide you need the thing you know your partner wants most. That will only cause more contentious moments. Decide what items you need to move away or be paid for giving away. For backup, create a second list of negotiating items—those items which you know your partner wants, you don’t care about that you can hold back as bargaining chips to negotiate for the pieces you really want.

Remember, in the end you would be better off walking away from a bunch of property littered with negative associations than putting yourself through hell for CDs or an arm chair. You are more important than any store bought item. In the end, you could just ask for a payout for the bulk of items and start fresh.

You have already started the process of taking care of you. Keep going!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Mean Girls, Forgiveness & Rising Above

Posted on November 8, 2010 | Leave a comment

Ever notice, just when you feel you’ve accomplished a thing you were working on..in comes some bad bitch of a situation to test you? Mmmm mmm mm.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — A woman who was very mean…to me was transferred but now after a year and a half is returning to our branch. Now I’m her boss. I have to admit how hard it is for me to deal fairly with her when small things come up I have to mediate or manage. It’s funny how the big things are easier for me to stay cool with her about. I worked hard for this title and I need ideas not to blow my stack at this biotch over the little things, can you help? — Big & Small

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Dear Big & Small,

The best business advice was given to me as a 17-year old freshman doing a class interview with a professional broadcaster in a major market. In touring me around the station, she pointed at a fishbowl office set high, front and center overseeing the entire floor. “See that woman? I’m so glad I was nice to her when she was the receptionist, because now she’s my boss.” Instantly I understood that it wasn’t about having the right-butt-to-kiss instincts, but to evenly and consistently be kind and professional to everyone (and thereby, be a professional myself) I encountered in the workplace. I really took that to heart, and I’d like to think that I conduct myself that way to this day. I have seen firsthand the odd looks of some who think I am going to be a bitch, and then either the relief or continued discombobulation. But I’m clear about my motives, and that’s what counts. I am of the mind that no one – no matter their station in life — is better or lower than me, and vice versa. Now, Big & Small, I know this might sound Pollyana-ish of your ole BadWitch, but it’s not. I actually (if not naively) believe we are all connected. That everything (including: we do) is connected.

Work on overcoming your emotional issues around this woman’s bad behavior(s), de-program your hot buttons around people who dis you in the smallest, pettiest (coincidence?, you be the judge) ways and times, and own your own power – both the strength and weakness of it — and work on your own responses to deflate the hold and power you give her over you. It’s obvious someone thought you were better suited to manage than she was, so in one measurable way it appears you have more skills than her.

“If it’s not paradoxical, it’s not true.” — Shunryu Suzuki

Raising yourself up is a real promotion,

BadWitch

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Dear Big & Small,

Well. Clearly, it is you who have had the last laugh. After all, you’re her boss. Maybe it is time to let the past go and be smug and happy in the present. I’m not saying this woman EVER has to be considered your friends (puh-leaze!), but holding on to how she was may actually put your job in jeopardy.

Someone once said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Guess what, it doesn’t work that way. You are driving up your blood pressure and stressing yourself out over some woman who now works for you! Face it, stress is linked to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, immune dysfunction and more. You really willing to let this chick you don’t even like drive you up a few clothing sizes? Please, let it go.

In the present moment you may still be a smug—and, yes, it will feel THAT good. But let the old pain and hurt that make you want to blow up at this woman over slight things go. It can make you sick, fat and jobless if left to continue unchecked. And, apparently, you don’t think she’s worth all THAT, do you?

Follow this link to a post I wrote for OwningPink.com. At the bottom of the post is a link to an audio file of a guided visualization that can help you move on. Listen to it a few times. If you are still stressed at the sight of this woman after running this visualization, say, at least once a day for 5-7 days, I suggest buying the entire Less Stress, More Life program to find ways to better understand what is stressing you out, how to respond rather than react and how to find a calm, internal oasis even though she’s there to work with every day.

The truth is, she may have been mean to you, but now you have the power to change this situation. Use it…wisely.

Happy De-Stressing,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Money, Irresponsibility & Angry Siblings

Posted on September 30, 2010 | 2 Comments

When adult siblings view responsibility and money differently, someone can end up eating an angry, bitter sandwich.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I know I’m a shit but I can’t take it anymore. My sister is a total loser and left everything for me to do with our aging, frail mother. I love her and wouldn’t not take care of her! All her life our parents helped that family charity case out, and now she’s nowhere to be found, but mom always asks me if she’s ok and needs money!!! I have to do every f**g thing by myself and I already know she’s going to get at least half of all of it when mom dies. Should I seek legal recourse? Mom would never go for it I can already tell you.   — Under the Bus

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Dear Under the Bus,

Muffin, I hear ya. Make your own daily life easier (if only by the law), by as early on as the situation makes appropriate, taking control and getting Power of Attorney. It’s tough enough you have to do all the work, it’s untenable to feel or be obligated to get approvals and sign-offs from absent (or even unqualified) siblings. I’m afraid the broad strokes of your scenario are so common as to be stereotypical: the care of aging parents often falls on one sibling while the other(s) very often do absolutely nothing to help and disappear (if they ever scuttled into the light) back into the woodwork. I know. I know. This is life at its unfairest of all, Snow White. Addressing possible extenuating circumstances why a sibling may choose not to help an aging parent(s) can range from super clear and absolutely legit to totally false and lazy — so I will not insult you by pointing out any of those reasons. If I had The Answer to this problem (that will only increase in our aging population), I would have a truly golden inheritance (but I thank the Universe that not all siblings are absent burdens!). Instead, I will just offer you the support that sometimes responsible and fair-playing adults left out in the cold need: despite appearances, you are not alone. If you have one, lean on your belief system that says the just will be vindicated — whether with a heavenly reservation or frequent karmic reward points. I say, don’t focus on people’s shortcomings and their inability/unwillingness, rather work on your own weaknesses, expand your own abilities, willingness in life, and reward own damn self by simply recognizing your love for a parent(s) who likely gave you all they had to give, and possibly sacrificed silently for your betterment over their own immediate gratification, and — this is the trick and the trickiest of all, I find — be your own best parent in the darkest times. [And you know what, BadWitch thinks that aging parents are very probably getting the best choices made for them by the one child who is actually doing all the hands on work, than by a committee confederacy of reluctant dunces, anyway…]

Get out of under & drive your bus,

BadWitch

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Dear Under the Bus,

I wish your situation was an anomaly, but I’ve heard it too many times before. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your aging mother.  Personally, I recognize how lucky I am to have siblings that care as much and work as hard (if not harder) in some cases than I do in caring for my elderly parents. But every time I call a doctor or caregiver about my parents, I hear the shock that a child is following up to help her parents. What?! Apparently responsibility is a virtue some just do not know how to step up to.

My suggestions? Write up a letter of expectations for your sibling. Outline not only the hours but expenses you have incurred in order to take care of your mother. (Yes, I would include gas and mileage, as well as phone costs.) Outline what you would like her help with. Be clear though, she’s not stepping up without some push back. Don’t give her critical jobs (paying caregivers, rent, etc.) But have her follow up with docs and caregivers and report back to you. Sadly, you will probably have to check up on her in some micromanaging way. Yes, even following up with the doctors after she does so you know she is giving you thorough, accurate reports.

This will frustrate you initially and piss you off to no end. But the truth is, you need to treat your sister like a tenured employee with no sense of responsibility. You want to fire her. You want to yell and kick her to the curb, but you can’t. She’s family, not an employee. But in the end if you can show her how to step up and help you, you may have the assistance you want in the end.

However, just in case she continues to be self-obsessed, irresponsible and unavailable, even after you have outlined what’s what, keep a thorough record of your expense and hours of work for your mother, as well as all the times you asked for assistance and her response. At some point very soon, you will have a document, which clearly shows her lack of care in black and white. Then consult an attorney to see if you have any recourse. If yes, time to talk turkey with your sister so she knows to step up or lose out.

The truth is you will never change how your mother babies your sister. A mother can go to the grave making excuses for the ones she loves rather than facing a hurtful truth. Is it really your job to make your mom fee any worse than she already does because her kid’s a flake?

You may have to suck it up. It sucks, but your mom needs care and you can only do so much to make someone else step up to assist you. In truth, my suggestions may still lead to more work, no help and no recourse, but as with all things in life, you gotta try the best you can to make things work out. Not trying will leave you empty, angry and bitter. And if in the end your sister does not step up and help, you just have to accept it because that is what is. The inheritance your mother intends to leave your sister is not because of the work she has or has not done. It is because your mom (for better or for worse) loves her child and wants to leave her part of what she’s accomplished in this life as a reminder of that love.

Your job is not to make your mom see your sister is a flake. Your job is not to try and ruin whatever imaginary, co-dependant relationship they have before your mom leaves this earth. Your job is to do your best to live the best life you can for you, which, yes, includes taking responsibility and caring for your mom. Bottom line: life is not always fair, but karma is. Know that in some way at some point in time the Universe will say “thank you,” for all you’ve done. But whatever you do, do it with an open heart of love and giving. Gifts steeped in resentment can leave a nasty after taste—for you and your mother. Know that you are doing what you do for the right reasons and everybody who needs to know that, really does. Including your mom, whether she’s able to express that to you or not. But you know. Find a way to make peace that you know what you do and you are proud of what you do. I am proud of you.

Mantra: I give because I want to and the giving feeds me as much as those I give of my time, energy and dedication. I cannot compare what I give to someone else, I can only express my best work every day and express my gratitude to myself for doing so. I am at peace leaving the ultimate judgment and tally to karma, knowing all is divinely perfect— even if I cannot see how or why right now.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Image: Jose Luis Merino

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Social Networking Today Without Yesterday’s Baggage

Posted on July 19, 2010 | 2 Comments

Whether you’re hoping to bump into old acquaintances on a pleasure or business trip on the good new Social Network, pack lightly. Avoiding dragging baggage from old Planet Paartay! forward when reaching out to now-successful classmates.  — BadWitch

P.S. We’ll be gone all August. Please RSS or EM subscribe now (options, look >>) so you don’t miss our homecoming!

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’ve changed drastically since college. I really feel together and hitting my stride now as an adult. Recently I saw an ex-classmate’s book published (she already had one on the New York Times best sellers list) and tried to reach out to her at LinkedIn and then later at Facebook. She hasn’t responded to me, and I know it’s crazy but am actually worried she still thinks of me as the old college party girl I used to be when nothing could be farther from the truth. I’m not broken up and taking it personally, I just want to reach out to a successful colleague. Any suggestions?  — Upgraded

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Dear Upgraded,

Facebook and LinkedIn are very different animals that require different tones for success as tools. It’s Monday, so I’m addressing the professional network, LinkedIn. Above the ones you’ve already taken, the next logical steps are obvious to me, try further reaching out to her via her publisher or PR agent’s contacts. If you do so, state your reach-out business clearly and succinctly (e.g., “In updating my profiles, I saw your name (congratulations on your recent publishing success) and realized how mutually beneficial reconnecting could be for us…”), just as efficiently, sum up why/what makes you of interest to her today. Why should she care about you? Stand behind it, send it, then stop. No need to look like you’re stalking her. Girl, have you realized maybe she’s just busy?

Because of this, sounds to me like you’d benefit from truly examining why you are personally so keen to reconnect with her. Is it simple success-by-association, maybe you want to kiss her butt or even have this successful woman see and recognize your triumphant evolution to kiss yours. Be truthful with yourself.

Giving closure to unfinished business only helps us move forward more robustly. When we reach back to connect with people, it’s helpful (more for some of us than others) to acknowledge and appreciate developmentally where we left off with them (and get real — this is the only point of reference they have to identify us with — unless we were famously or infamously more recently publicized in some way they would be privy to) and the Maybe reasons this particular person’s opinion of our successes are important to us today. What did she symbolize for you — have you fulfilled or given that quality to yourself yet? Can you give closure (through full acceptance) to your old party ways and that you needed them to become more fully who you are today?

Link yourself in first, classmate,

BadWitch

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Dear Upgraded,

Well, your ex-classmate is clearly an idiot. Social media is an excellent way to build fan base and buzz about your books. I would think the smart thing to do would be to accept all friend requests. Also, if this person cannot think that perhaps you have changed since college, as most of us do, she is either very good at carrying a grudge or stuck in the past.

For you, I would not stay stuck in the idea of whether or not she approves of you. I understand wanting to reach out to a successful friend, but if that friend does not offer a hand in return—is it truly a friend? Or a ghost of associations past.

Leave your friend request out there. She may yet respond and friend you. In the mean time, go on. Continue toward your own success. Friend requests can linger for a year before someone responds.

I would suggest some energetic work to try and bring your picture and her’s up to present time. Imagine a sphere about 20 inches away from you (think outside your personal space). This sphere represents your relationship with this woman. See the two of you as adults in the space talking across a table. Drop a grounding chord from this sphere to the center of the earth. This will bring the energetic space between how the two of you see each other. Fill the space with a pink light with gold flecks. This is the energy of compassion. It will help you both with understanding.

For you, let go of any unforgiveness or shame you are holding against yourself. Being a party girl in college is to be expected. You learned and walked your path of life. The experiences you have experienced have made you the person you are. I get that whatever self-disrespect is minor in your case, but the fact that this non-friending gets under your skin, says some shame remains. You are perfect and you always were. Any appearances of your being anything other than the person you were suppose to be to learn the lessons you were meant to learn at each and every stage of your life, is a lie. You have always been and will always be perfectly you.

Chose new lessons to learn. Clear old the old shame. Bring yourself and your relationships into present time and watch your life and relationships settle, balance and bloom.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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Pregnant Teen, Virgin

Posted on April 1, 2010 | 5 Comments

Baby, what you do now is more important. Double trouble for pregnant teens when they’re only worried about getting in more trouble.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My 15 year old honor roll daughter is pregnant, which is shocking enough in our household, but I believe to avoid getting in more trouble she swears to me she’s a virgin. How do I deal with this? — Like a Verifier

Happy Passover. Happy Easter, Bunnies.

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Dear Like a Verifier,

Responsibility is the verb to empowerment.

After the initial shock, I assume you want to help and support your daughter to make the best decision(s) for baby and herself. You’re probably right that she is trying to stay out of more trouble, but her denial and seeming refusal to face facts are partially what led her into these circumstances. Messages of authority and morality can be magnified to a developing child’s eyes more or differently than we may intend these elements to positively impact our families or other hierarchies. Additionally and personally, I’d like to suggest you don’t reduce or coddle her as your “little princess” or other diminutivization of her development into an empowered young woman. Help her take more and more responsibility for herself, her choices…her life’s reality she creates. Insist on and encourage an environment of open dialog and –mindedness in all things in your household. If this is a departure for your tribe (even if it’s not!), practice, practice, exemplify, then practice some more.

Tell her outright (and repeat as necessary; this message can never be redundant to a child or adolescent of any culture) in plain and clear language, “I want you to know that whatever you do or think, you can tell me/us. I may not always agree, and you may even get in trouble, but you will never lose my/our love for being truthful and yourself.”

At her age, further the action-consequence lessons by connecting the dots that are obvious to you as an adult (including impact on education, time, future and earnings), then ask her to contemplate and journal it out so she additionally has somewhere private to put all these confusing and likely conflicting feelings she’s experiencing. Let her know she’s not alone in the many meanings of that phrase. Assuming good household health and welfare, your role in her life is one of the influential shapers of her character, and sooner than she realizes, that torch will be solely in her hands. Challenge yourself and family to see if you can assist her to work out what she will need practically as well as emotionally in the next months and years to become the best woman she can be.

Knowledge is power,

BadWitch

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Dear Like a Verifier,

There are a couple of issues here. The first is your daughter’s inability to take responsibility for her actions. Virgin?! So, did you get the whole story of the Angel Gabriel stealing into her room to tell her the good news? Any previous sightings of Jesus in her toast?

How do you deal with this? Lower the boom—hard and fast. Let her know that no one is crazy enough to believe the virgin angle. She’s pregnant. We all know how that happens. It’s scientifically document able. Maybe it was her first time, but she’s no virgin now if she’s pregnant. Lying should come with its own penalties—and these should be severe. Be sure to let her know she is being punished for lying. Let her know that lying on the witness stand brings jail time. So does lying to her parents.  Also let her know you are punishing her so she can grow and learn from it. Taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of maturity.

The next issue is her need to understand the gravity of what she’s taken on. I suggest giving her sex ed homework through her lying punishment confinement. Videos on AIDS, as well as teen sex education videos. Have her write up essays on everything she sees. Ask specific questions about the possible consequences of unprotected sex and the alternative solutions. This is just another step in having your child take responsibility for where she is.

Now, the one thing I haven’t mentioned, but is a distinct possibility is that your child may have been a victim of date rape. If she was passed out dunk or whatever and taken advantage of and really have no memory of losing her virginity. Whether she is lying, delusional or victimized, you should have her see a counselor to discuss what is going on with her emotionally. You would also be well advised to talk to someone yourself, so you can approach this situation with as many tools in your mama bag as possible.

All I can say is, mistakes happen. Yes, this is a big one, but it is what it is. Start from where you are and make the best decisions you can to move forward. I’m also going to suggest you check out stillsitting.net because knowing how to de-stress on the spot will never be more important for you. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Give yourself some good shocks to handle the bumps in the road—for your health and sanity, as well as the good of your family.

Best wishes,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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The Stress Smell of Revenge

Posted on February 4, 2010 | 4 Comments

When we are wronged by an old friend, how can we right ourselves again? Releasing the self-imposed stress of wanting to strike back .     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Someone who I thought was an old friend really did me wrong. I can’t stop these thoughts of revenge in my head.    — Cold Dish

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Dear Cold Dish,

Punishment! Payback! Revenge! While they make for a cool poster, are a lot better suited for the movies and soap operas than real life where that sweet taste is a shot, but a hole in the gut lasts forever. Why stress yourself giving yourself an ulcer when you can Go Green! (ok so yeah, lower case), and recycle that same energy into healing, improving and growing yourself? Believe me, this is the more sustainable model.

There’s no pain like the pain of deceit a trusted former friend can dole out. This alone makes the healing and self-improvement an uphill trek. But hiking uphill builds strong legs, lungs and buns of steel. Work on your emotions in the same way: build a foundation of unflinchingly truthful self-knowledge (did you somehow contribute to this betrayal, if not, what would your ex-friend’s motive be to hurt you?); steely resolve to learn something about yourself from this incident (like how you hurt – your hot buttons can reveal to yourself your most unhealed emotions), or how you knew something about your friend but maybe hid that truth from yourself (what payoff/need did having this person fulfill in your life?), etc.); and the life-sustaining ebb and flow of acceptance of things as they are and self-reliance (not the same as isolated). Surround yourself with true friends and family who appreciate and can support you in your growth and thriving. Remember who you really are.

Finally, sweet Cold Dish, I think you’ll be doing yourself a favor (and shortcut) to turn and face how much this old friend hurt you. Grieve. There’s a good deal of mourning your situation (and our culture at large) appears not to have embraced yet. There’s a gaping hole where there was once something very important to you and your life. Take the time to really recognize, mourn its absence, thank it for the gift it was (when it was and what it actually gave you), and let it go.

Divine it is to forgive, Yoda,

BadWitch

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Dear Cold Dish,

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most painful experiences possible. You put your trust and faith into another person and they betray that trust through actions and/or words. Not fair. But maybe you’ve heard—revenge never helped anyone.

Truth is, thinking revenge-thoughts is perfectly sane. Most people when faced with betrayal will think horrible Carrie-esq revenge thoughts. You may envision horrible disfiguring or fatal accidents too. Again, sane. Now, taking any of those thoughts into the 3-D, insane, psychotic and, quite possibly, criminal.

So, let the revenge thoughts simmer for another day or so and then, move on. Pick yourself up and ask yourself the hardest question of all: How did I contribute to this situation. Were you too forthcoming with someone who had already showed you they were not trustworthy? Did you chose to remain blind to the signs of betrayal early on and dig yourself in deeper? Are there ways you can recover, rebound and safeguard yourself against these mistakes in the future—without closing off yourself from future relationships?

Forgiveness is just around the corner. Forgiveness does not mean to forget what happened. But stop the acid of hate and revenge running through your veins as soon as possible. You are only brewing up illness, stress and paranoia by keeping the un-forgiveness and revenge going. Unfriend them at Facebook. Change the name in your cell phone to ALERT (or something you feel may be more appropriate) so you can cancel any incoming calls from their number and move on with your life.

Chalk it up to experience. Realize this person has offered you the gift of a transformational lesson. Use this experience as a springboard yourself into a more alive, compassionate person. Use this lesson to grow more into the amazing person you are. That is the best revenge. The loss, the forfeit, the crappy karma is all theirs. Let the Universe sort out the punishment. Focus on your rewards. Even the darkest moments have brightness to offer us if we are willing to look into the blackness. Look. There’s a better, freer you on the other side.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Forgiveness and Other Reconciling Myths

Posted on September 24, 2009 | Leave a comment

forgive_and_forget__by_SelfTitledNightmareSpoiler alert! The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and the biggest myth of all “forgiveness reconciles past hurts.” To forgive is Divine and all about the heart. To forget is more…heady, and in a less than ideal way. Apologies must be more than words to be effective.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’ve mostly forgiven but not forgotten. Can you ever really go back? — H.G. Wells

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Dear H.G. Wells,

Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is moving past feeling the hurt and betrayal to a place of non-attachment—for yourself. Somehow, humans seem to believe that to forgive is to forget. But The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind does not allow for us to build and grow from lessons learned.

When someone hurts you, your memories of that hurt are stored in the brain with a charge. This charge allows the brain to access that memory and the information contained in that memory more easily. Why? Because we are animals that learn! The experience hurt you and your brain wants to rememberwhat happened easily so you can avoid similar hurts in the future. Taking the charge off that memory is part of the work of forgiveness. Getting to a place where that hurt no longer hurts you. When the memory is stored as a neutral source of information you can access the wisdom gained from the situation without getting stuck in the emotionality.

Forgiveness is getting to the point that you realize that the person involved in the situation did the best they could do with the tools and understanding they had at the time. Does that mean you should place yourself back in that situation with a person who has already shown you the best way they understand how to treat you ended in your hurt? Not unless you have witnessed a long rehabilitation and evolution, over some time. People can change. The question for you is whether this person has given you enough data to believe they have more capacity than they showed last time.

Forgive because it is best for you. Reserving energy to carry around the hurt, remind yourself of the hurt and stew over the hurt makes no sense. Why leave your energy stuck in the past? Why continually drag that pain into the present? Forgive for your mental and emotional health. Forget at your own peril.

In every challenging situation there is wisdom to be gained. One very important lesson is about how you invited this type of behavior. Now, I’m not saying you asked for it. What I’m saying is, we tell people how to treat us. We tell people by how we treat ourselves and how we allow them to treat us. Are there some ways that you can treat yourself with more loving kindness and as more of a priority in your own life to show others the high level of care you deserve? Have you communicated clearly when others seemed to treat you with less care than you deserved? No matter the challenge, you take back your power when you choose to accept the opportunity to learn more about yourself and evolve.

So keep up the good work. Forgive. It is absolutely the best thing you can do for you. Reconcile if you see proof that the hurt of the past is a thing of the past. Self-preservation first. If you do not stand up for you and make you a priority, no one else will.

GoodWitch

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Dear H.G.,

Acting with love instead of fear allows you to let go of anger and resentment.

Nice “other side of the coin”-ism to Monday’s post when Tarzan was learning (among other things) How to Apologize. Seems you’ve already done so, H.G. however, religious Omegas 3 intake aside, I don’t believe anyone’s memory is so strong that it is the thing that keeps us stuck and not moving forward in life. It’s the strong emotions we assign to those memories. A big part of our coaching is about retraining the brain by lessening to removing the emotional charge (week 4) and helping you leave a neutral memory.

That said, I want to focus on the role of love to forgiveness to reconciling, which is more realistic not to mention healthier for you than the myth of “forgetting.”

To get to true forgiveness (not just the lip service type) requires love of the self. You have to genuinely care about your own wellbeing to love yourself enough to forgive yourself to release, not “forget” post-forgiveness. ‘Ghost Town’ , a cosmically fabulous movie I have no idea what took me so long to watch, is successful as an allegory as well as metaphorically explores why “ghosts” hang around rattling their chains at us long after they’ve died. It’s the unfinished business of the hurt, under- or non-loving kind. Throw off the shackles that chain you to the past ghosts — and only you hold that key — by allowing, giving yourself permission to. Not only is the past done, it’s only as important or powerful as you assign it. This is not about who’s “actually right or wrong” but rather how your heart internalized the hurt around the situation.

Now is just the exact right time and space to do so, H.G. — look at all the other old institutions we all held so dearly that have miserably failed, and now are in deep need of reconstruction. This is a new age the way that phrase never meant it before!

Self-love and -forgiveness first can help you move past your current unwillingness, reluctance or inability to let go of the importance you place around the “unforgettable situation” and move forward. ‘Ghost Town’ gently makes the point that even if you are the wronged party it is your own unwillingness  to stop clinging to being so, that creates your inability to release the hurt and blame that keeps those ghosts haunting you, hindering your present and future relationships (and their quality). All we humans do this to varying degrees. Going beyond being stuck in the past requires the self-discipline of self-love to get to self-forgiveness (e.g., for “being such a fool” or “I let them do that to me”-isms that, once identified, are springboards for healing action to change).

“Love” means so many different things to different people, that I will be most helpful by ending here with a reminder: to love oneself doesn’t take guru-strength spirituality, or any special higher education. Anyone willing to try to allow it is qualified. Love is the best preventative, proactive and inoculating thing we can do for ourselves (and the others around us benefit inadvertently) — and ironically, self-love (-acceptance, -forgiveness) is the best kind of virus we could hope to spread.  The action and saying shouldn’t be “forgive and forget” but…

Love & forgive to really reconcile,

BW

==

Image, Self-titled Nightmare

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Broken Heart: Transplant Wanted

Posted on July 9, 2009 | 1 Comment

a_band_aid_on_my_heartIt’s not that your blood Type is so rare, they just haven’t developed a surgery for your ailing, broken heart. When love not only tears and rips your heart, but does a stomping River Dance on your mind, too.    — Bad Witch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – Right now the deepest question I have is how do I learn to let go of the hurt and anger behind the fact that my wife not only cheated on me once, but three different times (first time, around our 20th wedding anniversary, which I spent months in advance planning, and while I was still grieving for the loss of my father and spending a couple hundred grand building her her dream house). — Deeply Hurt

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Dear Deeply Hurt,

Clinically speaking: Wow. There might be no hurt like the deep, sucking chest wound of true betrayal by someone who has professed love for you once. But I bet the last 20 years was fraught with a lot of…uh, life…between you two — whether you were both equally and simultaneously present and/or participating, or not. Without looking at your potty trainings, nor her inevitable laundry list of victimizations by/in life, I see this woman as very hurt, self-loathing and emotionally-underdeveloped to such a degree and scope that she went out of her way to use the Don’t Get Mad Get Even tips she gleaned from watching brutally endless ‘Dynasty’ and ‘Bad Girls’ marathons. If only she c-/would have simply said, “No,” or, “No more,” to you and your relationship. Instead, those are her skills. Just keep this in mind (not excuse) about who you are dealing with. It can potentially help half some of your anguish and stress.

She’s not likely to get there soon, so I will say to you I’m very sorry for your pain, Deeply. Even if you were the world’s biggest over-compensator or jerk (which I am not saying!), her responses and premeditated actions just shout loudly and publicly for all innocently standing by to get whacked in the back of the head with, “SEE ME! NOW!” And, Deeply, this rebel yell(s) of hers has far more to do with her than it ever will you.

But rather than letting go and putting behind, just stand still. Not in catatonia. Do your daily living, all the little steps we must all take to get up out of bed, and into the world. Take a shower (literally and figuratively) and as many as you will need, Deeply. Go into a very therapeutic one step-at-a-time mode and take care of your business. When you’re ready, you will want to look at what it was originally that attracted (beyond the physical) you to this woman to chose her to build a life with. Own your own needs (vs. Wants, as I always say). Protracted, self-indulgent navel gazing isn’t good for you, but taking honest stock always is, maybe talking to an effective psychological or spiritual professional will help you get clearer – when you are ready. Down the road. One day you will turn around and see how far your one step at a time trek took you. Just be good to and take it easy on yourself, say “No” appropriately, embrace your hurt and experience, and then…allow them to expand and become more you!

Blessings on the road,

BW

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Dear Deeply Hurt,

It seems trite to write a two-minute answer to what is clearly a deep wound. I can offer you some advice as a Wellness Coach and a Stress Management Expert, but it is my experience as a survivor of adultery that will probably come through the loudest.  Am I still healing from my pain almost 4 years later? Yes, but it is no longer a palpable memory popping up around every corner. Now it is the source of information that helps me make better choices. I tell you this just because when you’re in it, you need to know it won’t last. And it won’t.

The first steps to recovery from marital betrayal is much like recovering from the death of someone you love. There is grief and anger. The world we knew—isn’t anymore. Allow yourself to wallow for a time. Yelling out the pain is very cathartic. I suggest finding land in the middle of nowhere or a largely sound-proofed room and yelling all the profanity and indignities you may or may not have allowed yourself to express before now. Let the anger and grief come up and out like audio bile. “Better out than in, I always say.”

Once you’ve released a good round of emotion, imagine a fresh breeze blowing it all away out of you, out of the space around you and right out of your life. See all the audio-bile float heavenward for recycling. It floats right out of your life.

Sounds, woo-woo-hippy-tree-hugger? Try ancient practice and scientifically effective guided visualization. You will literally feel better and lighter. Right now you are holding a grudge, self-victimization, unforgiveness and self-righteous indignation all wrapped up in that anger. Rightly so—but those corrosive emotions come with chemical releases in the body that are just as deadly. As you scream out the audio-bile, you are changing the chemicals released in the brain.

Try another visualization as a regular exercise. Everyday, picture the timeline of your life, stretching forward into the distance. Focus in on the period where you were with your wife. Imagine a beautiful golden light that appears around this period of time. Watch the gold light seep into, through and around the timeline. This light is cleaning, clearing and balancing your emotional attachments, beliefs and out of balance energies. Believe it or not, doing that once a day, every day for a week or two will start to shift you to the actual acceptance and recovery part of the process.

Rely on your friends and the people you love. Don’t cut yourself off from other sources of affection because you fear being hurt again. As you allow yourself to be supported, whether with dinner, kind words, a good beer or a gripe session. The people who care about you will be there to listen and support. This alone will help you mend some of the trust issues you are facing.

At some point you will heal. You will let go of the anger and the hurt, but for each day it is here, treat yourself with exceptional love and  kindness.

I wish you peace on the journey.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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