Good Witch / Bad Witch

Entries tagged as ‘empathy’

Wallflower Power: A Party, No Noise Complaints

November 19, 2009 · 2 Comments

a_x-woman_green_dress_sofaQ: How many wallflowers does it take to screw up a conversation? A: *. The insensitive extrovert will do it all by himself. If it Takes All Kinds to Make the World Go ‘Round, then let’s Get This Party Started by letting those Wallflowers Rebel, Sweetheart.      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My husband is an extrovert and always makes us go to these parties. I’m a bit shy and not good at talking to new people. When we drive home he gets mad at me for being a stick in the mud. How can I overcome?  — Stuck Between a Loud & Muddy Place

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Dear Stuck,

We all think the world is exactly as we see it. Your hubby, as well as yourself. Me, too! As an extrovert, I’ve been surprised how many shy, quiet or introverted of you are, ironically, coming out of the woodwork to us here. I’m feeling like this is some kind of cool, UN-y opportunity to make the world a better place through understanding our opposites more. Read on if you agree but…

Warning! You are entering ConfrontationLand. First off, that’s a joke because most whole extroverts don’t think of talking or even strongly debating as “confrontation” and I just want you to recognize and know that right now, before moving on. Don’t anticipate pain or a blow up just because you will be simply stating your mind as an equal adult. This is your current relationship today, we’re talking about. Which brings me to why you say “always makes us go” as though you don’t have a choice. Do you truly not have one (a fundamental and serious relationship problem), or do you think, choose and therefore create this inopportunity-reality for yourself (your changeable perspective (Changing Perspective chapter))? On his side, it really bugs me that he chides you for being yourself when you’re going home. There is so much Lifetime movie fodder here! — instead, I want you to talk to him straight up, since the self-absorbed loudmouth apparently needs telling or reminding that you are less outgoing than him and always have been. That this sort of social interaction with strangers makes you feel uneasy and pushes your insecurities. And because you know he loves you so much, you know he doesn’t realize you feel like this when he insensitively insists that you go to these things. [Then take a picture of his face and email it to me.]

Rather than “fixing” either of your innate natures (or personal agendas) here, I’m going to recommend a first step of awareness through compromise. For example only, if he agrees to let you pick and choose which parties you’ll attend with him, then you promise to go to half of them. Or maybe you two can agree to stay no longer than two hours at these things. Then on your drive home develop a new habit, ga-head!, tawk amongst ya’selves and nightcap it off with a chat about something you both enjoy doing together (travel, movies, book sharing, cooking…anything!). The object here is simply to visualize pleasantries together, together. Gawd, if this bonding gets you both feeling equally loquacious, make next plans to do it!

Keep focused on the fact that you opposites came and work together as a team for a reason.

It’s yin and yang,

BW

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Dear Stuck Between,

Don’t be a wallflower! It’s time to allow yourself to shine. I realize that our society seems to exalt the shy, willowy girl, but in real life that won’t even work on the runway. You want to feel comfortable at parties? Take back your power and be the strong, beautiful you that you are.

Parties are meant for communing with fellow humans. It is a ritual for you, not for you to impress someone else. Go into parties with the goal that you will be you. You will do what feels good to you and inspires you. Think of a few conversations you would be interested in talking about, i.e. Project Runway. Then practice a few opening lines. Don’t think of this as a script, because cheesy opening lines are no better for parties than pick ups. But practicing the lines will help you feel comfortable with what you would like to communicate.

Now, get grounded. Deep breathes. That pull in your belly is a combination of anxiety and excitement. Let you mind connect with that excitement—the part of you that wants to meet cool, friendly people that you really like. This is your opportunity! Enter the room scanning the people. SMILE. It’s not about them accepting you or approving of you. It’s about you being happy, you making new friends, you having a good time.

New people are friends you have yet to meet. Reach out and be yourself. If you have to imagine them in their underwear to do it, so be it. Think, how did you meet your husband? At some point you talked to someone you didn’t know—and it worked for you. The new people you meet may be interesting enough for your interest, and maybe not. It’s like an interview, you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. Is it a good fit?

Breathe. Love you and let you shine. You have a beautiful, individual perspective that you want to share and others want to receive. Do not let insecurity and fear make you a wallflower. Rise above. You are the belle of the party if you believe it. And the more you practice, the easier it is to believe.

Shine on,

GoodWitch

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Image, Karin Lowney-Seed

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Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · family · happiness · health · life · love · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Harder than Michelle Obama’s Guns: Blood From a Stone

July 6, 2009 · Leave a Comment

blood.frm.stoneWe all just do the best we can. Especially in especially hard times. Sometimes when we’re asked to give even more of ourselves, it can feel like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Even when it’s our First Lady doing the asking.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – I love Michelle Obama, but this campaign of hers to get people out to volunteer when she has hired help and most of us are working 40-60 hours a week to keep food on the table, just pisses me off. I get how important what she’s pushing for us, but I can’t help how pissed off I am! That’s not really a question but answer it anyway thanks.  — Tapped Out

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Dear Tapped Out,

The biggest thing I’d suggest you “volunteer” right now is your focus. Hard-working sweet child, please re-focus your thoughts (the thing you can control on that list of yours) on your “I love Michelle Obama…” sentiment, and on your understanding how important what she’s pushing for is. That is your common ground with this woman who is, after all, just a woman. A human being. Just because she’s a woman who happens to be married to a guy who just happens to be the President of the United States, doesn’t make her a goddess nor bestow any special magical powers of greatness on her to demand (or is that guilt?) any more of you than you can demand from yourself. Michelle’s just a girl, Gwen Stefani — a wife, a mommy, just a First Lady — who happens to want to focus her passions on and for the greater good of the country, through us individually.

In the end, that’s all any of us can do, Tappy. Just focus on the right things and your heart will follow. Your working to keep food on the table is an invaluable service not only to yourself and family, but the country. Our kids are the next gen stewards of our community. What you show yours every day in the smallest ways, informs their developing characters and ethics, which will be what we oldesters come to rely on. No one can do it exactly like you do it. And if it still doesn’t seem to you like you do important enough work…when you can…you will…do all those other things in and for the world that no one but you can…volunteer to do.

Re-focus your resolve,

BW

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Dear Tapped Out,

It’s time to get over yourself and your guilty conscience. No one is telling you to stop working or to volunteer away your hours instead of taking care of your own family. Yes, many of us are working too many hours to have no time left over to work at a soup kitchen, etc., but you know everyone is not the same.

My sister is a step-mother to a teenager, an attorney heading up her own practice and a volunteer at Food Bank every week. She arranges her schedule to do this because it is important to her to be of service in the community. Does she expect everyone to do this? No. But some people have the time and the desire and we should be grateful that they pitch in where and when we cannot. All Michelle Obama is doing is trying to light that fire in people who can help.

You are lucky enough to have a job. Others are not so lucky and rely on food banks and volunteers to meet their own family’s needs. So you want to gripe at Michelle Obama for trying to invoke community spirit in others? If we, as a community, do not stop thinking about how we can further embellish our own backyards and refocus on how we can be of service, we are all going to hell in a broken, over-crowded hand-basket.

Maybe your way of volunteering is helping out at your kid’s school, which helps stretch the school budget and supply much needed services. Maybe you babysit for a friend one night so she can work an extra shift or just get a night off. There are many ways we can be of service. Even a smile or a compliment offered to a complete stranger that looks like they are having a rough day is volunteering of yourself. See what you can do to help and, really, quit bitching at the people who are trying to do what they can. In the end it will be of service to everyone—even you.

How you likin’ GW’s personality transplant w/ BW on this one!,

GoodWitch

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…And we give…credit  for the use of the cool image.

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · life · money · spirituality
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Bulldozing Billy: Dealing with Bullies

June 18, 2009 · Leave a Comment

intimidationDogGot a building you need razed? Call in Bulldozing Billy for the job and he’ll knock down any obstacles — like your kids — in no time! Bullying in schools and beyond is unacceptable but only a growing challenge for all of us. How to help kids?      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW — My 10-year old child has been bullying some other kids in class. I’m at a loss! Why? He’s a sweet kid at home, though somewhat pushy, but he takes after his father who is a natural bulldozer.  I don’t want my son to bully. What can I do?  — Mommy in Need

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Dear Mommy in Need,

Bullying among kids is a growing problem not restricted to schools or gender. The good news is that we’re talking about kids who are malleable enough to be positively influenced toward better behavior. You know, improvement.

As the adult, it’s important to keep in mind that bullying hurts everyone, the bully included.Empathy (not sympathy)  for all parties involved is important toward real solutions. Most bullies (personality disorders excepted) don’t just happen, they are natured then nurtured. If the behavior is not corrected, 1 out of 4 of them can become criminally inclined and suffer from lesser careers and otherwise fulfilled adult lives. Victims of bullying, if bullied long enough, can suffer from emotional dysfunctions like low self-esteem, eating disorders or depression, and physical problems like G.I. issues and anxiety expressions like headaches.

Help kids deal with bullies. Walking away from bullies is the best answer, and usually takes much more courage and strength than engaging them. This is meant to not satisfy the bully’s need for a reaction, as much as to bore them to walk away themselves! Find real friends for support, and self- and group practice true confidence. Hold but don’t stuff down anger by physically working out, or journaling it out. Talking to others about your true feelings is most important for all its benefits of sharing.

If your kid is Bulldozing Billie/-y, then s/he should be encouraged to talk it out with an adult s/he admires and seek to learn through visualization (even reverse role playing) how her/his bullying makes others feel. Empathy. What it’s like to be the recipient of bullying, and how that person likely views her/him. This isn’t a popularity contest, but a Real World survivor — no one wants to be “Janice Dickenson”!

True and tenacious empathy is the practice to answer bullying.

Empathetically,

BW

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Dear Mommy in Need,

Bullying is one way children seek to understand power and how to be the one holding the power. Quite often, it is behavior they have watched from a parent or older relative. If they feel like that behavior ‘wins’ power over another, they will often mirror that behavior as they begin to decipher how to wield their own power.

So how do you break the cycle? First look for the adult culprit in the family. There is probably someone in your family who yells or uses some form of intimidation to get their way. Sadly, bullying behavior is often learned at home. But it can be prevented there, as well. There are tools available to help.

In my own family, a few steps were necessary. The first was to bring down the hammer on my child. Once she realized I knew what was happening at school and would not condone it, she began to question her methods. When she lost all privileges and had extra chores around the house for some unforeseeable future, she started to change her ways. Then, I did the unexpected. I showed up one day at school when I was not expected, picked her up early and had a one-on-one date with her. I let her know everything we discussed would be confidential.

We discussed where she had seen the bullying as an effective tool (family member) and I pointed out how that same tool was not actually working for that person’s best interest. I showed her how it effected his relationships negatively. Once she could see all the examples of how it was not working, we discussed right use of power. Want some help on deciphering right use of power? Read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.

You and your child must work to new muscles. Your child must learn to work the compassion muscle, which will require constant vigilance on both your parts.  You must learn the fine balance between tough love and honest communication. Your child must see that you are watching and interested in what goes on in his/her life. It is up to you as the parent to teach your child the Rules of the Road. Give your child the rules to understanding power struggles and that might does not equal right and “being nice” does not equal weak. Watch their favorite TV shows and point out good behavior and bullying behavior. Now is the time to make a difference before the behavior is set in as part of your child’s character.

You can make a difference,

GoodWitch

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Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · family · life
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