Tag Archives: emotions

The Real Clash: Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on March 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

Burn outs are kinda cool in a hot rod. Not so much on the job. How to stay cooler.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …career of 12 years…What constitutes “burn out”? How do you know if you are actually burned out and it would be wise to find a new course to pursue, or whether you just need a long vacation, and should stay put in the industry you spent so much time developing skills, contacts and your reputation in? — Path Trekker

==

Dear Path Trekker,

Check out what we told Miller Time about his job exhaustion.

As for what constitutes “job burn out,” as usual, I suggest you do review columns. This time, list all the things that first ignited, attracted and fueled you to and on your job. Second column, quickly jot all the things that frustrate you on the job and about your workplace. I’d rather you list emotions/feelings elicited than nit picky line items like “broken water cooler,” which may or may not translate as “dehydrated, listless and angry.” Half joking. Cross-check the two columns. This one is more a highly subjective look-see between the two columns to see which is: larger/longer, which items may be completely negated by something in the other column, and overall how each column makes you feel. Do this exercise again same time for the next four weeks. See if recognizing and shifting what you can has changed anything for you. Own what’s yours, weigh what you can’t control against your overall life needs and peace.

Meanwhile, a well-deserved, fun-filled (whatever that means to you) vacation away from the office is always a rejuvenating, reenergizing treat our culture doesn’t take as seriously as it should. Go expedia.com, orbitz.com, or Travelocity.com (among others) — do a staycation — but go forward, Path Trekker!

Stop and smell the rose essential oil,

BadWitch

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Dear Path Trekker,

Follow the tickle. The question is what inspires you and leads you t wan to spend your time in the activity.

The truth is whatever you choose to do will, no doubt, use some of the very skills and contacts you have honed over all these years. Though, you may decide the field you are in no longer serves, skills are transferable.

To start, yes, schedule a vacation. Give yourself time from the pressures of everyday to get a read on whether you enjoy the duties and opportunities available to you in your everyday career. Then it’s time you play Blue Sky/

What would you do if there were no limits? If money, security, social pressure and guilt were taken out of the work/life/career equation, what would you do with your time for work, fun, joy?

The questions to such answers may be unrealistic when normal life circumstances are applied, but it will start to point you in the right direction. You will see more clearly where your interest lie.

The key is to rest up and give yourself the time and space to figure out how you feel and what you want.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Miss Congeniality’s Sister: Sandra Bullied

Posted on February 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

When Ms. Bullock’s forgotten sister gets bullied in school, more hurtful gossip’s sure to be on the horizon than usual. Bringing up sister.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have two daughters and one of them gets cyber bullied and bullied in school, while her sister is Miss Popular. This makes the picked on one feel even worse. How do help her? — Torn Dad

==

Dear Torn Dad,

I’m sorry to hear about your family’s pain and your daughters’ (both of them) situation. While it’s pretty easy to see how difficult your bullied daughter must have it, it may be less obvious what your more popular daughter is feeling around her sister’s situation at their school. Some of her feelings might surprise you — they may have common ground in shame while experiencing/expressing it very differently. Aside from informing and involving school officials (and why not any other support groups your family may be involved with, such as your church or cyber bullying organizations), holding regularly scheduled supportive and strategic family meetings towards encourage your daughters (and by extension, your family) to work as a team (solidarity, identifying and less loneliness for both) to soothe if not conquer the abusiveness, and build up self-esteem. From A-Z in the process, enable the sisters’ truthful sharing by embracing both seemingly positive and negative emotions offered. Shedding light on them is the most important part, not that someone may have what may on the surface appear to be “inappropriate” feelings (i.e., shame or embarrassment of either the situation or her sibling). If they weren’t close before, sharing this experience may help them forge a bond that could long outlive your family unit.

Some previous GWBW posts (search “bully” at our site for others):

Bull Dozing Billy

Bully Schoolyard, Parents Want Discipline

(building character) Dodgeball, In or Out of Bounds?

Basic cyber bullying TIPS:

• Delete messages from offenders without reading them

• Don’t try to seek revenge or cyber bully back, or someone else

Awareness of why teens bully:

• It gives them attention

• They think everyone cyberbullies

Stay aware of your kids’ friends on- and offline. Talk openly and regularly about their online activities, and restrict computer time to homework and approved sites and (email) lists.

No Bully Zone,

BadWitch

==

Your Witches are in a period of time when family issues are omnipresent for us each. Send some love and light to GoodWitch and her fam today especially. Thank you.

Image: Chris Whitehead, Getty Images

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Rude Boyfriend = Anger, Mad & You

Posted on February 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

Unfortunate take on He said, She said. He just doesn’t believe what she says. Anger dismissed is the new black. Seriously.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My otherwise ok fine relationship with my boyfriend goes south whenever I disagree with him and get angry. I don’t think he takes my temper seriously. I’m not having hissy fits like a child, and I don’t have a loud voice that booms like his and I’m not rude, so it’s a joke to him when I’m mad (and usually don’t agree with) at him. Any suggestions? — High-pitched Whinney

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Dear High-pitched Whinney,

Tell the control freak asshole to kiss your ass and move on with your life. If your opinion does not mean enough to him for him to take you seriously, why are you dating him? He wants a yes man, not a thinking girlfriend.

You must be able to express what you want and believe in in a relationship. It should be safe for you to express who you are. And if your control freak boyfriend doesn’t appreciate that you have valuable thoughts, he doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who sees and appreciates who you are and what you have to contribute to the relationship.

This guy only seems to care about how you help him feel good about himself by rubberstamping his decisions. Pardon my French, but that is bullshit. Kick him to the curb. As my mama always said, “I can do bad all by myself.”

Stand up for you now. Later may be too late.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear High-pitched Whinney,

I’m concerned here about what sounds like more than the usual power trip adjusting in a couple working out the day-to-day dynamic. No offense to your relationship, but I want you to stop and consider what its conditions (as in conditional love) mean to your health and wellbeing (self-worth and esteem), and why you are allowing them.

As for your boyfriend, I’m going to go on the assumption that you don’t have anger management issues (which he could conveniently or otherwise interpret as “crying wolf”). Whensomeone important to us doesn’t take a legitimate aspect of our personality and feelings seriously, they are disrespecting who we are as a whole being. As much as you shouldn’t try to “fix” anyone else (taking them on as a challenge or hopeful project), don’t allow someone to try to dismiss or bully your reactions and feelings out of you. You are a sum of these things.

As such, you also have a responsibility (to others but, always, yourself first) to objectively check your emotions and how they are affecting your overall quality of and progress in life. If you really don’t know, or have difficulty being more objective about yourself, ask a professional (contact me for confidence coaching) or trusted friend or peer who models an overall successfully balanced life you’d like to emulate, to help you get some clarity. Then check again to see who needs to take feelings and emotions more seriously in this relationship — this is not a fight about fighting.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

BadWitch

==

Image: Erin Coronoa

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Lose-Lose Situation. Hating Life

Posted on February 7, 2011 | 3 Comments

Making lemonade out of lemons. Start stepping. One day at a time. Every day is a new opportunity. Lightening up, already!  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Help! I hate my life. I can’t get anything going right. — No Win

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Dear No Win,

While some people are kicking butt and taking names, the on- and offline feedback our article ‘Trapped! Horrible Job No Hope’ got, showed me that you’re not alone in your feelings. Also check out our Giving Thanks post. Still, I want to echo a tenacious friend’s annoyance at our collective malaise, or at least less than stellar energy to thrive. She commented about the latest soft drink trend of “relaxing” vs. energy boosters with something like, “We need more coffee or other stimulants to get us past this enforced apathy.” To know her is to love her.

Overwhelm is a natural feeling from sadness that becomes depression, until you are simply not responding to positive stimuli because you can literally no longer see it.  You’re rewired for disappointment and failure. Instead, retrain your brain by becoming conscious of your thoughts. Break the overwhelm by focusing on one area of your life at a time, and one aspect of that area daily, until your capacity to see when things are going right, well, excellent, once again has been reconnected, switched back on and powered with continuous effort. Come back to the light one day, one area, one thought at a time.

C’mon Get Happy!,

BadWitch

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Dear No Win,

It’s time to put a different spin on this life thing. Maybe you are not the most popular, the most admired or the most successful, but that certainly doesn’t mean you can’t do anything right. Success is judged by you. For instance, maybe you don’t win the race, but you run your personal best time ever. That’s a win if you look at it from the right angle.

Put a little PR spin into your internal monologue. Instead of telling yourself , “You suck!” Congratulate yourself for having the balls to try. Right now you can thank yourself for having the guts to reach out for some positive advice.

Earlier today a group of friends and I were laughing about being dorks. “When did you first know you were a dork?” was the question of the day. Somewhere in there we discovered the things that made us dorks in high school were the very things most appreciated and celebrated about us now.

This place where you are now is not your whole life. It is a moment in time. Want more out of each moment? Tell yourself “good job” more often than, “You suck.” Recognize when you have done well and recognize where practice makes more perfect. You are merely human which means sometimes you win and sometimes you are a loser. Decide to be happy now no matter what and you’ll win. Frankly, that is all any of us can do.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Boss Throws Employee Under the Bus

Posted on January 10, 2011 | 2 Comments

What to do when the Boss Formerly Known as “Cool” goes gonzo berserk-o on you? Managing your manager in times of stress.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have enjoyed my job with a company until recently. I truly believe in their mission but now I find my immediate boss is totally stressed out and throwing me under the bus for things he’s missed and that his boss is getting on him for. He’s been listing off a bunch of crap and cc’ing everyone in the management chain on it. I don’t agree with his comments, but not because I’m defensive. He’s just throwing me under the bus. How do I deal with this without losing my job I need so much? — Run Over

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Dear Run Over,

Ah!, petty tyrants! It’s true what they say, that they are usually our biggest teachers in life. So congrats for the promotion to working with one now. …Having said that…

When the going is good, it’s easy to be a cool and fun boss, so I will cut his current bad “skills” some slack in this stressed time. This only means I’m suggesting you schedule a one-on-one with him to discuss the concerns you’ve outlined here. This isn’t about proving a thesis or giving a lecture, but rather to address then seek cues and clues as to length and duration of his said offensive behaviors, and mutually identify some possible solutions. This first meeting should primarily be an assessment to determine a direction for your next steps in the workplace. Even if he is completely and totally open to agreeing with you and admitting his ineffective management conduct (and he won’t), changing behaviors is a process. But should he respond other than with that miracle, you will want to very carefully understand where he is coming from, for your own good actions moving forward.

Email cc’g everyone with accusations (founded or unfounded) about you both meets usual protocol in many offices, as well as is unprofessional if the tone or outright accusation is wrong. I would highlight this in your conversation, because likely he received a good chew out from above, and he is very possibly covering his tracks behind him (a.k.a. CYA or self-preservation).

Let him know you are open to making improvements (tasks and relationships). Be objective, speak plainly but respectfully. Don’t interrupt each other. By the end of the meeting, you will know exactly what you must do next. Oh and document, document, document.

Dialogue means “two” and reciprocal,

BadWitch

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Dear Run Over,

There’s a lot of this “throwing under the bus” going around. My guess is your boss, who I will describe as a wimp with power, is either too scared for the safety of their own job or trapped in a perfectionist mindset that keeps him unable to fess up when it’s his fault. It takes a mature person to admit when they are wrong. Apparently, your boss still has some growing up to do.

It is horrible when you are feeling less motivated for he overall mission of the company because your immediate boss is unable o act in a mature manner. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Surely, if you still want this job, you get that one person’s actions do not add up to the entire value of a company. Keep going.

My answer, be sure that you give your own answer to some of these email. It is not being defensive to either give your version of events or let the higher ups know critical pieces of information were missing when you were doing your piece of the work. Chances are your higher ups already know the problems with this manager. Give them the info they need to make the right decisions. Let them know that you are the scapegoat without actually pointing fingers. Just tell the truth with as little emotion as possible. Ask questions. Let your higher ups know you are trying to do the right thing.

Truth is the higher ups as probably less than impressed that these issues keep crossing their desk. Your boss needs to realize the sign of a good manager is the ability to help their team get things right. Training up underlings leads to a crack team where everyone is invested in the outcome. Pointing fingers and waiting to throw people under the bus every time something goes wrong leads to decreased productivity. Your team should not be working on pins and needles. If you are constantly waiting for the axe to drop, you’ll be questioning your work rather than really working to do your best. No one likes to be waiting to see whether there job will be threatened every time they make a mistake.

Face it, your boss is a wimp who doesn’t understand that the truly powerful empower the people who work for them for the best of all. He’s too focused on taking credit for everything done well and throwing you under the bus for anything wrong. Do your best work and let the higher ups know what’s going on—for your sanity and your job!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Divvying Up Splitsville

Posted on January 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

Equal piece of the pie. The spoils of war. Everyone wants theirs. But in the division of property, is winner takes all really the goal in a war of hearts?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I finally did it!!!! I broke up with my assh*** long term (relationship). Now we’re divvying up property. The fights are starting all over again. Help! — Fractionator

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Dear Fractionator,

It sounds like congratulations are in order for successfully completing one cycle in your lessons. The trick for you two (and individually) is not to repeat the same trial-and-error homework but to repeat the successful outcome — in your case, a mature ending of something that was no longer serving you. Do the same thing with your things. After all, they are only as potent and valuable as you your selves assign and infuse them with. Keep the power you give freely to the things low, especially as to your emotions they represent (i.e., “That CD you bought me on our first date is mine,” but only because you are still attaching the old sentiment of his taking care of you to the plastic disc, etc. Fill in your own actual emotional ties). Set up rules before re-visiting this property division task (involve an impartial third party, if necessary). Agree to divide things fairly by BR and AR dates (Before Relationship and After Relationship), receipts, and/or any other empirical, pragmatic data or reasoning you can agree to.

Lastly, the other grey-area items should be put in the middle of the living room and “auctioned” for (I’m suggesting reasoned (vs. argued in the aggressive sense) for; best rhetoric prevails) in front of a pre-determined, mutually agreed upon impartial third party. All decisions final.

Lighten your spoils to move on fully,

BadWitch

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Dear Fractitioner,

Congratulations on standing up for you! Don’t stop now! Parsing out property is no easy feat!  There will be times that you must lay down a firm boundary and stake your claim and others when you will need to concede. The key to successfully “divvying” up the property will be your own presence with yourself and what you refuse to let go of and what you are ok with handing away.

Before your next “splitting up the goods” meeting, write out a list of property and star those items that you believe will be contentious creators. Decide ahead of time what your best outcome would be. BE FAIR!! Do not decide you need the thing you know your partner wants most. That will only cause more contentious moments. Decide what items you need to move away or be paid for giving away. For backup, create a second list of negotiating items—those items which you know your partner wants, you don’t care about that you can hold back as bargaining chips to negotiate for the pieces you really want.

Remember, in the end you would be better off walking away from a bunch of property littered with negative associations than putting yourself through hell for CDs or an arm chair. You are more important than any store bought item. In the end, you could just ask for a payout for the bulk of items and start fresh.

You have already started the process of taking care of you. Keep going!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Bank Robs Client: And Other Tough Relationships

Posted on December 27, 2010 | Leave a comment

High credit interest loans got you down? Feel your banker just doesn’t understand you anymore? Maybe you should take this one personally.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — After five years at the same bank with good credit and relationships, they just turned me down for a personal loan! Or more accurately, they offered me one at a really high rate. Before I leave them, do I have any recourse? — Credit Where Due

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Dear Credit Where Due,

Credit cupcake, before you dis your bank right back, just stop and realize that this is yet another one of those messy things we all have to deal with in our lives. I’m talking about: relationships. We all drag unresolved issues right into the next relationship, and the next… Granted you are a puny individual and your stud muffin bank is likely a faceless corporate Goliath, but relationships are relationships regardless of what they may look like on the surface. Get straight on what you bring to and how you behave in yours, and you can start to get a clearer picture of why the amazing banking guys/gals you’ve been so devoted to for the last five years don’t bring you flowers anymore, but an overpriced “Happy” Meal.

When asking for any loan, your credit scores (all three of them) will be examined, and interest points will be largely determined by them. Make sure your credit scores are in the range you imagine they should be. A part of your scores but not the whole picture, assuming the relationship with your bank you stated is with an actual personal banker and not just the tellers who can’t help you in credit’s regard, are what your banker is reviewing, but may or may not also give some sway to your character (which in this case includes your employment, your personal (versus just financial) histories with landlords and other creditors, and possibly collateral, if any). Credit cupcake, I cannot say this loudly enough while saying it with sincere empathy: take control of your destiny by responsibly and respectfully co-existing with your credit/money. Or else you will find unsatisfactory “credit due you” at the next “bank” and the next, and…

Understand your money, your self,

BadWitch

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Dear Credit Where Due,

Well, we knew the economic crisis has tightened the purse strings on the banks. And, I understand your disappointment at seemingly being let down by a relationship you have nurtured for the last few years. However, do we ever have recourse when a friend says, “No”?

I cannot say whether late payments or outstanding balances on your credit report may have undermined you. My suggestion is to check your credit report, as there may be items listed on the report that are out of date or just incorrect. Be sure that what creditors are reading on your credit report is up to date and accurate.

Your recourse is that you have the power to give the bank your continued business or not. My suggestion would be to sit down with a representative of the bank and find out why your loan was denied and why the only product left available to you comes at such a high interest rate. Then decide whether to stay or go.

Talk to some other banks—once you’ve cleaned up your credit report as much as possible. Find out what other options you have. Perhaps a credit union will have better rates than a traditional bank. Investigate.

Just remember, in this very capitalistic society, the most effective recourse and vote is usually with your dollars. Give your business to businesses that support you.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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High Maintenance Girls and Autos

Posted on December 16, 2010 | 2 Comments

Not talking Cuban smokers here: Sometimes a boyfriend with unclear boundaries is just a stand-in mechanic. Zen and the Art of Girlfriend Mechanics Maintenance.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My girl never does basic maintenance on her car, then when small things go wrong, she gets all up in my grill. She has a mechanic she likes and says she trusts, but I get stuck with all her raging when things go wrong and costs her big bucks. How do I deal with her? I’m not interested in becoming her mechanic OR losing my girlfriend. — Auto Affixiation

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Dear Auto Affixiation,

I just heard an important grandpa to grandson line about it being necessary to experiment and fail in order to grow up — but even he wouldn’t tolerate the same childish behavior twice. This is exactly my take on your question: you have a woman who “won’t do basic maintenance” then blames her boyfriend “when things don’t go right” and she has to pay money she could have likely avoided shelling out if she’d taken better care of herself. Hmm. I think there are some other issues going on here that have nothing to do with trains, planes or any other mode of transportation.

Seems like some irresponsible people have to learn by needlessly spending dollars they usually don’t have, and others need to stop trying to save them (money or heroically). Let her drive her car, whether on the road smoothly or into the ground — and you focus on fine tuning your relationship in the real ways you express interest in: with love, RMPs and oil.

Oil & water, baby,

BadWitch

==

Dear Auto Affixiation,

So be girlfriend, you mean you are her automatic auto mechanic? Did you know you were signing on to this job? Sounds like there should have been a clear contract that discussed job duties in this relationship.

I would say it looks like it’s time for a really good conversation. Dear girlfriend whom I love, you have to start taking your car to the mechanic and sucking up the cost, except perhaps in emergency because this me as mechanic thing is killing us.

I remember being asked to teach my then boyfriend (now ex-husband) how to work a graphic program and some basic maneuverability with his new Mac. After being grilled every time I offered a thought, suggestion or teaching point, I finally cut him loose. All in all, start to finish on me as his teacher lasted less than 3 hrs. I let him know he would be better served to have a teacher he trusted and a girlfriend who still liked him, which meant she was not his teacher. After less than a minute, he agreed.

Let your girlfriend know the toll it is taking on your relationship. Let her know you would not volunteer to be her go-to mechanic because she does not take care of the vehicle to what you consider a basic level of care to keep other issues from happening. Let her know you love her and are there for her in a pinch, but on the regular she should go to the mechanic she trusts—for the sanctity and longevity of your relationship. Seal it with a kiss and give her the opportunity to either stat taking better care of her car so you can help her or take it regularly to the mechanic she trusts.

Remember to make freely with the love and don’t hold any grudges. This is all about creating a boundary that supports the relationship. No hard feelings and no more mechanic duty.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Putting the Real You Back in Relationships (BW)

Posted on December 15, 2010 | Leave a comment

Who hasn’t been “fake” in relationships at one point or another in their life? While it “makes sense” that a lot of the in-authenticity practiced in relationships happens in adolescence and 20s when we’re trying to figure it all out, we all know that isn’t the case. Why? A habit set? Not enough confidence? This pattern interests me. Today I’m referring to “relationships” as the fleeting insignificant ones to deep partnerships, the personal and business ones — in other words, all of them. I’m even talking about the times we smile and are nicer than we actually feel to a service worker or other facilitator, just to get on with it.

The state of our relationships reflects who we are at any given time in our development. If we don’t like our relating/relationships with people, perhaps a good look at how we are relating to ourselves is called for. Look at how many times you have lied versus told the truth in the past day, then week. To put an even finer point on it, my wise colleague Marlene Caldes touts the difference between Truth (your quick and unblinking “yes” or “no”) and Honesty (the story and explanations you tell others). So when you run this exercise, I urge you to note the difference (and number of times) you tell a lie, are honest or tell the truth. How can we expect to be real in our relationships if we can’t be with ourselves?

If you find you are more authentic than not in your communications but are still in a few relationships that don’t feel quite right, take the next inventory of your relationships themselves and see which one (or types) could use some tweaking and tuning, and those that are past their Sell By date. Will it be hard or easier to improve your communications and (emotional) truthfulness in some over others (types)? Why? How can you share the most authentic you in all relationships (you know, the ones where you are in the room, car or the other’s mind)? — BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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“Friending” With Benefits

Posted on December 9, 2010 | 2 Comments

I just kept hearing the old Beach Boys song “Be True to Your School” and couldn’t help thinking that was good but incomplete teaching for being true to yourself. Recognizing who your real friends are.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …I used to be very popular and had a lot of friends. …after that (incident) how do I like myself again? I think after I lost my big relationship I spent all my time and energy on, I lost a lot of friends who maybe weren’t such good friends to begin with. What do you think?  — Unsure Friend

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Dear Unsure Friend,

Ironic. Just last week I replied to a friend’s lament about one-sided friendships with this: “True friendships are born of sacred geometry — the definition of being comprised of more than one side.”

It seems obvious but it’s not. Acquaintances take two. Any two. But “true friends” is not about just any other one, but the special one(s) who undoubtedly have your back and (as you found out) willingly share their heart in life. Having a great number of friends isn’t necessarily synonymous with actually being popular or having real friends. Take a closer look at why you feel attached to being popular. Are you seeking approval, or are you afraid of being alone? There’s much to be said for (as well as grow into) approving of your self, only a tad less to be said of the differences between being “alone” versus “lonely.” As we all get older (and hopefully mature), it’s quite normal for quantity of peeps to drop while — we hope — focusing on the quality of those friendships we choose or manage to keep around us.

Start by being a good friend yourself. You will naturally gravitate towards some things and pull away from others, so do yourself a favor by seeking the company and deepening the true friendship of those who reflect your values and inclinations (including but not limited to hobbies). Here’s our take on office friends, which actually has a lot in common with your full question (abridged for space and confidentiality) of quality friendships.

“Friend” yourself on- and offline,

BadWitch

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Dear Unsure Friend,

Though I cannot speak to “the incident,” but I can tell you nothing that happens in life is “wrong.” Every incident gives you the information and the knowledge that you need to evolve into the being, living the purpose you are meant to live. True, some incidents are less appealing than others, but do not judge yourself so harshly. Learn what you can from the experience and know that you should love yourself through all of life’s highs and lows. You are the only consistent in the equation.

Realize that you have you. I cannot speak to whether the end of these friendships was caused by some betrayal on your part or truly shallow people judging you by the candy on your arm. If it is the latter, I must speak to the women who pretended to be friends when you were with Mr. Popular. ”Wake up, people!” When will women stop judging women by the men they are romantically linked to. Sure, we all want the good looking, successful, financially blessed guy. Does this mean we are so petty that we can’t appreciate when someone else is is dating that guy? It is our jealousy that poisons our own ability to attract and keep loving, good looking, successful guys in our lives.

If backstabbing friends are the reason for your current state of loneliness, realize that you have been given the gift of clear sight. The people in your life who deserve to stay in your life act like they give a shit. Friends check in on one another and genuinely hope and wish for joys for the other. Friends help out whether it’s a ride to the airport, a shoulder to cry on or a show of solidarity in times of struggle. Find new friends. Start by befriending yourself.

If you are shamed because your actions led to the end of your relationship and may have caused friends to side with your ex, leaving you alone, then this lesson becomes all the more pressing. You put all your energy outside of yourself. Successful relationships are two whole people who are living their lives to their best who come together to make great individuals lives even better through the association. Real relationship is not some 50’s version of MaryTyler Moore staying home looking cute and supporting her man. It’s getting out there to do it for yourself. Living fully and enjoying your relationships.

The best way to do that? Self-care. Learn to love yourself. Now that you’ve got more time to focus on you, do it. Find out what makes you happy. Do you need art, sports, reading time? Do you need to reevaluate why you pick the guys and friends you pick and what qualities would better serve you? Do you need to develop your sense of self to reestablish a feeling of confidence? You can find that self-assurance without hanging off anybody’s arm.

Every difficult situation offers the blessing of lessons that can help us learn how to be better people, how to be better at this life/relationship/friends thing and how to be better people for ourselves. If you got a lesson this life changing, take the ride. Once you’ve learned your lesson, there are even bigger rewards waiting on the other side. Trust me. I just graduated to a new level of  Life School and though the lessons can be hard as hell to breathe through, the rewards for doing the work get better and better.

Happy discovery,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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