Tag Archives: boundaries

Teaching Sharing: Lesson Plan

Posted on March 31, 2011 | Leave a comment

Share and share alike. In and out of the home, real schooling for today…and their tomorrows. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Our daughter and son are 2.5 years apart. The older is 6 and in first grade where she’s now being influenced by some of her friends in ways we’re not so excited about like never before. How do we help both our kids learn how to share? — Alpha Influentials

Dear Alpha Influentials,

Welcome to the world of school age children. Yes, your little one is growing up and stepping out into the big wide world and unfortunately, not everyone raises children with the same standards. Your children will be influenced by classmates, television, movies, and even you and your friends in ways you least expect.

Your job is to give your children a stable foundation they can springboard off refer to. Sharing is a classic. Most kids do not share without training. As they see new way (read: excuses) to not share, they will try to work these new ideas for themselves. The best way to combat that is to be vigilant in your correction. The more your child realizes that not sharing, maybe loses them the toy all together, the less they will try the new ideas. If the outcome does not work, your child will learn sharing brings more joy than not sharing.

Remember to be vigilant and loving. Remind them that you love them no matter what, but you do not like the behavior being displayed. It’s important that kids know they are loved unconditionally, especially when they are facing discipline and correction. It doesn’t mean they get off light. Discipline and correction are necessary to raise strong, self-assured, good people from childhood to adulthood. Kids with no boundaries rebel more and more to get attention.

You can not really stop outside influences. You can only make your influence more compelling through your own actions (show sharing, donations and generosity in your own behavior), as well as correcting when less than ideal new ideas come into your home.

Good luck!

GoodWitch

Dear Alpha Influentials,

Hey, ‘rents, teaching sharing is both instructional and influential (how and what you value) as it is associative (a “chair” = “for sitting”). Having said that, as you teach your kids to share, you are sharing your own knowledge base. This is how humans develop. Sharing is beyond “things” and goes straight to the heart of your emotions, what you know, and how you believe the world “is.” What you teach about sharing is important. No doubt. Balancing that with good parental guidance is key, and learning how to share is forever (her future employers thank you). And then, you have to let go and trust your own lessons.

Be aware of your daughter’s influences: from media exposure to close friends (du jour) she spends a lot of time with (especially out of the classroom). Try to get to know their parents. Set a standard both your kids can understand and follow, such as you must speak with a new friend’s parent(s) before spending time at their house, you must meet new friends, etc. Let your kids see your concern around the sharing issue/lesson by exemplifying sharing within your family. Utlimately, you can talk until you’re blue in the face, but kids copy what they see you do, not what you say.

No foolin’ about sharing today or tomorrow,

BadWitch

Image: Tania Liu

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Posted in Advice, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged boundaries, empathy, family, friendship, happiness, joy, life, relationships, responsibility, sharing, skills, teaching sharing

Weakest Link: When Strong Team Needs Management

Posted on February 28, 2011 | Leave a comment

When a usually strong group is taken down by one bad apple, manager needs to lead by management. Basic steps to help team member get back on track. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Help a new manager out, I’ve never received training and it doesn’t seem readily available to me. I’m really stumped. I have a team that was working productively and harmoniously until one member started brining her personal business into work in a way that has been disruptive to the others’ productivity. No one has complained (although I’ve seen some eyes roll, still no complaints filed), but as their manager I see negative overall effect in output. Do you think speaking to her alone without complaint will make her even more sensitive or is otherwise de-motivating? I appreciate any help. — Manage This!

Dear Manage This!,

Meet with your problem employee alone and first (document it). Express your concern that she may be bringing her personal problems to work, and that may be what is negatively affecting her work performance of late. Identify with her issue that is affecting her choices and behaviors such as chronic tardiness, absenteeism, or uncooperativeness, etc. (you may or may not note that it affects the whole team’s morale, but tread lightly, keep the focus primarily on her performance (something she has power to change). Then identify your performance expectations of her as solution (i.e., take X time off and don’t return without a medical doctor’s note; or work benchmarks she can achieve by X-deadline(s)). Be specific. Get her agreement. Document. Follow up with her in scheduled benchmark meetings agreed to. If everything proceeds well, (unless your corporate policies require it) no need to bring HR into the mix at this point, but it’s there if you need formal documentation or another back-up tool.

As for the team, it can be brought up in team meetings (namelessly) as productivity issues or similar, and challenge them to solutionize as a team. Sometimes a manager needs to be a leader. Peer pressure can be a beautiful thing in deft hands.

Lastly, research online or in-house managerial training resources and classes you can get approved to attend. Build your own skills toolbox.

Inspire your people to succeed not just work,

BadWitch

Dear Manage This!,

Here is the hard part of leadership. You can’t avoid it. Sometimes you just have to pull an employee aside and say, “WHEN!” You are in the role of Big Picture Holder, so if you see the big picture going off course because of one person’s attitude, it’s your job to step in and try to get things back in the flow. It is clear that one person’s bad attitude can affect the productivity and morale of an entire company.

As the manager, you have the right and should have the impetus to talk to the troublemaker. But start with a single idea: compassion and understanding breed compassion and understanding. We don’t know what nuclear disaster has taken over this worker’s personal life to cause the negative shift in her. Connect her with company sponsored counselors, stress management professionals or other mental health support.

Realize that for the legal safety of your company, you don’t want to get embroiled in her issues, but you want to compassionately let her see how her behavior is affecting the entire office and the productivity and subsequent profitability of the company. This conversation is also your opportunity to document the issue should further intervention be needed. Keep and eye on things. Take notes documenting when and where issue reoccurs after your conversation.

Managing employees can be like parenting children— but with Child Protective Services watching over your shoulder. Remember, you are the boss, not the best friend. However, there is no reason that you cannot be a compassionate, empathetic boss who mentors his employees (yes, even the problem employees) to greatness.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Posted in Advice, career, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged boss, boundaries, documentation, employee, job performance, management, morale, productivity, team

Miss Congeniality’s Sister: Sandra Bullied

Posted on February 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

When Ms. Bullock’s forgotten sister gets bullied in school, more hurtful gossip’s sure to be on the horizon than usual. Bringing up sister. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have two daughters and one of them gets cyber bullied and bullied in school, while her sister is Miss Popular. This makes the picked on one feel even worse. How do help her? — Torn Dad

Dear Torn Dad,

I’m sorry to hear about your family’s pain and your daughters’ (both of them) situation. While it’s pretty easy to see how difficult your bullied daughter must have it, it may be less obvious what your more popular daughter is feeling around her sister’s situation at their school. Some of her feelings might surprise you — they may have common ground in shame while experiencing/expressing it very differently. Aside from informing and involving school officials (and why not any other support groups your family may be involved with, such as your church or cyber bullying organizations), holding regularly scheduled supportive and strategic family meetings towards encourage your daughters (and by extension, your family) to work as a team (solidarity, identifying and less loneliness for both) to soothe if not conquer the abusiveness, and build up self-esteem. From A-Z in the process, enable the sisters’ truthful sharing by embracing both seemingly positive and negative emotions offered. Shedding light on them is the most important part, not that someone may have what may on the surface appear to be “inappropriate” feelings (i.e., shame or embarrassment of either the situation or her sibling). If they weren’t close before, sharing this experience may help them forge a bond that could long outlive your family unit.

Some previous GWBW posts (search “bully” at our site for others):

Bull Dozing Billy

Bully Schoolyard, Parents Want Discipline

(building character) Dodgeball, In or Out of Bounds?

Basic cyber bullying TIPS:

• Delete messages from offenders without reading them

• Don’t try to seek revenge or cyber bully back, or someone else

Awareness of why teens bully:

• It gives them attention

• They think everyone cyberbullies

Stay aware of your kids’ friends on- and offline. Talk openly and regularly about their online activities, and restrict computer time to homework and approved sites and (email) lists.

No Bully Zone,

BadWitch

Your Witches are in a period of time when family issues are omnipresent for us each. Send some love and light to GoodWitch and her fam today especially. Thank you.

Image: Chris Whitehead, Getty Images

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Posted in Advice, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement

Tagged boundaries, bullying, cyber bullying, emotions, empathy, family, gossip, kids, life, responsibility, school, siblings

Rude Boyfriend = Anger, Mad & You

Posted on February 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

Unfortunate take on He said, She said. He just doesn’t believe what she says. Anger dismissed is the new black. Seriously. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My otherwise ok fine relationship with my boyfriend goes south whenever I disagree with him and get angry. I don’t think he takes my temper seriously. I’m not having hissy fits like a child, and I don’t have a loud voice that booms like his and I’m not rude, so it’s a joke to him when I’m mad (and usually don’t agree with) at him. Any suggestions? — High-pitched Whinney

Dear High-pitched Whinney,

Tell the control freak asshole to kiss your ass and move on with your life. If your opinion does not mean enough to him for him to take you seriously, why are you dating him? He wants a yes man, not a thinking girlfriend.

You must be able to express what you want and believe in in a relationship. It should be safe for you to express who you are. And if your control freak boyfriend doesn’t appreciate that you have valuable thoughts, he doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who sees and appreciates who you are and what you have to contribute to the relationship.

This guy only seems to care about how you help him feel good about himself by rubberstamping his decisions. Pardon my French, but that is bullshit. Kick him to the curb. As my mama always said, “I can do bad all by myself.”

Stand up for you now. Later may be too late.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Dear High-pitched Whinney,

I’m concerned here about what sounds like more than the usual power trip adjusting in a couple working out the day-to-day dynamic. No offense to your relationship, but I want you to stop and consider what its conditions (as in conditional love) mean to your health and wellbeing (self-worth and esteem), and why you are allowing them.

As for your boyfriend, I’m going to go on the assumption that you don’t have anger management issues (which he could conveniently or otherwise interpret as “crying wolf”). Whensomeone important to us doesn’t take a legitimate aspect of our personality and feelings seriously, they are disrespecting who we are as a whole being. As much as you shouldn’t try to “fix” anyone else (taking them on as a challenge or hopeful project), don’t allow someone to try to dismiss or bully your reactions and feelings out of you. You are a sum of these things.

As such, you also have a responsibility (to others but, always, yourself first) to objectively check your emotions and how they are affecting your overall quality of and progress in life. If you really don’t know, or have difficulty being more objective about yourself, ask a professional (contact me for confidence coaching) or trusted friend or peer who models an overall successfully balanced life you’d like to emulate, to help you get some clarity. Then check again to see who needs to take feelings and emotions more seriously in this relationship — this is not a fight about fighting.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

BadWitch

Image: Erin Coronoa

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Posted in Advice, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, sex, spirituality

Tagged anger, boundaries, boyfriend, dating, emotions, empathy, happiness, life, love, relationships, rude, self-respect, skills

Self-Expansion Through Self-Expression (BW)

Posted on February 9, 2011 | 1 Comment

Self-expression comes easier if you feel you’re creative, grounded or just have a lot to, uh, say. Truth is the next step in that chain. Self-expansion is a proactive process and the culmination of body-mind-spirit integration. Growing in all areas of one’s life in an incorporated way (b-m-s harmony) is the very definition of spirituality to me. If we are spiritual beings having a human experience — self-expansion is a Must Have skill! The practice of self-expansion can happen in the smallest moments of life — we’ve all had them — but they need to be noticed for them to have maximum effect of expansion. Watch it! A piece of music or a blossoming flower can trigger the connected feeling of self-expansion if you’re not careful. Recently, a trip to the cool new Planetarium had the power of self-expansion for me when those stars and creation process itself unexpectedly threw me into a childlike wonderment, a mind-wow!, and actual tears of longing which I can only describe as the spiritual itch of seeking connection. Walking out stunned and buzzing with life around my edges, that very satisfying experience had me feeling bigger, more than when I walked in that room.

Self-expression is what we’re built for. It’s when we don’t express ourselves (creatively, the meditation of drudge work, emotionally, intellectually…any multitude of ways we all do it) that our bodies which are emotional instruments, speak out with dis-ease or pains in the fill-in-the-blank. When you next express yourself, notice whether/how you feel expanded by the experience. If not, keep vigilant look-out until something stirs you and you do. And then, seek again… — BadWitch

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Posted in Advice, happiness, life, Life coaching, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness

Tagged balance, boundaries, self-esteem, self-expansion, self-mastery

Good Friend’s Incendiary Talk, Bad

Posted on January 31, 2011 | Leave a comment

Your politically opposite and opinionated friend won’t shut up. Haven’t we all wished there was a Mute Button for that? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a really close friend who lives across the country with really different political and religious views than mine. We grew up together, but now no matter how we start out and how long we’re talking about something else, he seems to always want to talk about politics or religion. How can I steer him back to “how about that weather”? Other than this problem, he’s definitely one of my best friends. — Swiss Flag Waver

Dear Swiss Flag Waver,

If your buddy’s actually one of your BFFs, why haven’t you just voiced your concerns to him? What’s your eggshell dance really about, Swiss Flag Waver? Work on tightening up that internal convo, first.

I live in an area known for its slant, its very particular POV, so much so that if I didn’t have friends that I genuinely care about and love, but who hold very different beliefs than me, I would tend to think that everyone thinks “like us” — so their very friendship gives me repeated reason to be thankful for being blessed with these mind expanders and ego-knocker-downs! Feel out why you are so close and comfortable with this friend, and leverage that like/love when he next brings up the importance of his earnest beliefs. Tell him it bothers you. Tell him you’ll never agree, so let’s agree to disagree. Tell him to STF up. Whatever your friendship can tolerate and sounds like (!), that’s what you need to step UP and say out loud.

Not black & white and doesn’t need to run all over,

BadWitch

Dear Swiss Flag Waver,

It is time to declare your friendship a neutral zone unless you both can have a sense of humor about it. My sister and her husband reside on opposite sides of the red/blue line generally. They joke that they cancel out each other’s vote as they drive together to the polling place.

The thing to remember is that both sides have reasons and life experiences that have led them to believe as they do. Friendship must include respect that allows for both of you to be who you are, otherwise, you are acquaintances yet to discover the nature of true camaraderie and friendship. Friendship must be that safe harbor where one does not feel unduly judged. Yes, truths are spoken that are not always agreed upon—then you agree to disagree, without anger or resentment. It is not for you to change your friend or visa versa.

Evangelism will only create resentment and drive the two of you further apart. Ask nicely to agree to disagree and talk about something else. Let him know that you respect him and his opinion, but you do not agree, nor do you want to try and make him disavow all he believes in to agree with you. I would add a, “that said, I love you. So did you see the game on Sunday?”

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged boundaries, friendship, happiness, life, neutrality, relationships, Switzerland

Out of the Closet: Unwanted Makeover

Posted on January 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

Your mom’s just trying to be helpful but she’s messing with your closet/your head. De-cluttering how to tell her to stop before it becomes your dirty laundry. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I come home and my moms “reorganized” my entire closet Now there’s one shoe downstairs and one upstairs. She turned my whole closet upside down like that! That was 3 weeks ago, and I’m still searching for my things every day. What can I do about this? — Closet Case

Dear Closet Case,

What a great question about setting appropriate boundaries. And whether you’re 13 and your mom is all up in your grill, or you’re 45 and living with a senior mom who requires your assistance — doesn’t matter. Same relationship dynamic thing, different time. Moms who need to do your thing their way, is…classic.

You know your BadWitch wants you to tell her like it is (but keep in mind that for you, her action was annoyingly intrusive, while to her, just helpful), but I understand that this may be both difficult for you to say, and for her to actually hear (whether because of big ego or legit cognitive reasons — if the latter (which your searching up and downstairs for stuff alerts me to), immediately get her under a geriatric physician’s care). Still, together you should set down some rules for happy co-existing in this house.

Whatever your age, calm the heck waaay down and then ask you mom why she felt she needed to help you get organized. Ask questions to hear past “it was messy”-type responses to what her perception is about your organizational skills, how you live. If any of it resonates with you, think then act to improve yourself. Thank her! If it doesn’t feel true for you, then try substituting her “you” statements with your proper name and repeat them out loud. If most or all of it still doesn’t feel true to you, then consider what is actually important to you a la values, and then calmly set enforceable boundaries. Remember, one huge lesson living with people we love can teach us is how to reasonably compromise.

Setting boundaries: Let your mother know clearly that you respect her, but that you and your territory must have her reciprocal respect, too. Just because it works for her, deosn’t mean it does (or has to!) work for everyone on the planet. Find the most effective way to say it so your mom can hear it. Find a way to enforce it (expectations > consequences). If you don’t, you can expect that she will repeat this closet makeover episode (in one form or another) and that will be on you, later. In the worst (and last case) scenario, put a lock on your door.

Lights on in that closet,

BadWitch

Dear Closet Case,

OMG!!! And I mean that! I don’t know what’s more horrifying, the idea of your mother seeing every nook and cranny of your inner wardrobe or the idea of someone else reorganizing the items that should very specifically be categorized by the wearer. Shocking.

Well, first and foremost you must sit down with your mother to discuss this fiasco. In a loving (which means practice A LOT before the face-to-face), calm voice (A LOT) let her know in no uncertain terms that though you believe her “helpfulness” in regards to your closet was born from the most loving thoughts and ideas, in truth it felt like a disrespect for your privacy. You know that was not how it was intended (see why you have to practice?), but in fact reorganizing someone else’s closet without their prior notice and consent is best left to parents of small children not yet capable of organizing sweaters together, etc.

Let her know that you are still searching for some much need items. In truth, though you two are so similar, your organizational styles are very different….and, well, it makes life more difficulty when getting ready for (school/work/obligations).

Be clear before your bathroom cabinets are reorganized and those much needed daily products disappear! This is an important opportunity for you to set boundaries like an adult. Show her what you’re working with. But show it with love and respect. She birthed you. She deserves heaping helpings of both.

Also, your mom may be somewhat bored. Is she older and needing to get out to the local centers to play with people her own age while you are at work? Or maybe the stay at home mom is discovering a latent passion for interior design. Whatever the root cause remember compassion—not anger—will get you the respect you crave.

Good luck (sincerely),

GoodWitch

Image: Touchstone Pictures

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged boundaries, closet makeover, de-clutter, family, happiness, just helping, life, parents, relationships

UPDATED Bottomless Office Pit: Cake, Gifts & Money Collection

Posted on January 24, 2011 | 3 Comments

Money collection for office gifts, cakes. Funding co-worker celebrations. Fun, yummy, good or bad idea? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — If I never have another slice of office birthday cake, I’d live! These constant money drives for other people’s gifts has gotten on my last nerve. Yesterday (she) asked me for money for someone’s baby shower gift in our Utah office who I never even met! This is nuts, crazy, just wrong!!! Give me some good lines. — Cham-pain Hater

Dear Cham-pain Hater,

I love cake, I love presents — for me! — so I hear ya, but figure out and clearly state your policy for all to understand about you, and stick with it.

Back in college while working at a major department store, my manager came around at Christmas time to ask for donations to an equally major charity. Coincidentally, this charity had been in the news for administrative financial abuse to fund schmancy lunches and lavish personal travel, and such. I was already consistently giving to an organization of my choice, so when she first asked then attempted to strong-arm me for my hard-earned money (mockingly, “What?! You can’t even give up a dollar?”) — her attitude alone underscored to me that she was only pimping to win a department managers’ contest. That manipulative sort of crap only served to make me stand even firmer in my convictions and state, “Nope. Especially not “even” a dollar.” I freely give to what truly stirs me, and not to earn kiss ass points with a manager competing in a peer contest for a personal gain prize, via my dollars while supposedly campaigning for a charity I didn’t even believe in.

Knowing what you stand for lets you know what you want to fund in life, and keep the change from the rest in your own wallet. In the game of office politics, only give when you expect nothing in return (never give a present to get a present, whether retail or brown-nose points), or all you’ll get is disappointment. Nothing more bitter than a low-carb flourless cake of guilt and shame.

Do-goodahs, pleeeze,

BadWitch

[No, your RSS and e-Mail subscriptions are not broken. Here’s GW’s added Reply.]

Dear Cake-Champain Hater,

Truth works better than any excuse you can come up with! I would start by asking for a general pool with once yearly contribution (say $20) that is split for all employee presents, like a Christmas Club. I have heard of employees being asked to give $20 a month for other employee gifts. Maybe a $10 a month fund for cake and office morale isn’t asking too much.

My question is, as an employee, don’t you appreciate when your birthday is noticed? Isn’t that an unrecognized benefit of your work environment? It sounds like you’ve got an office that has taken the time to create a more family like environment. This makes for a comfortable place to work. Believe me, not all offices give a damn whether it’s your birthday, wedding or baby—just do the work.

It is really nice to be appreciated. Your office culture has found a way to give each other recognition of the lives lived outside the cubicle walls. Say thank you and throw in $10. If money is really tight right now, tell your co-workers that truth. They’ll appreciate it. Then throw in $2 or $3.

Family may be a pain in the ass sometimes with their little rituals, but that is the good stuff you remember and appreciate years later. Quit bitching and have some cake.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Posted in Advice, career, life, Life coaching, money, self-improvement

Tagged boss, boundaries, cake, financial, gifts, job, money, relationships, skills, truth, workplace

Pressure Valve: Eat Pray Love Increments Needed to Escape (BW)

Posted on January 19, 2011 | 2 Comments

Ask any of my family or true friends — I’m all about the pressure valve! I don’t believe in suffering silently, but first and foremost, I don’t believe in “suffering” as a means to wise happiness. In order for happiness to be lasting, it must come from inside out. Innate and sustainable, as foundation. This makes constant care and tending to our “inside” (the physical and psycho-emotional) all the more important a habit to cultivate into routine — not a selfish or arrogant event. But it can seem impossible to simultaneously take care of business and the never-ending details life throws at us, and opt in for self-care. Integration is the way to more balance and a self-preservation routine that nurtures your own resources to create more in your life — to Be the most whole and integral you.

Every task offers an opportunity (you don’t have to take every one. Choices!) for opting into the self-care of a pressure valve. You can choose to do things the hard way (like taking care of everyone else’s business, and asking if there’s any more you can do, while neglecting your own needs from exhaustion) or you can make sure everyone has the tools to handle their own business properly, and to a harmonious whole (e.g., tribe/family goals and culture) and then — step off! Micromanagement comes from insecurity (most often of the micromanager’s real or projected fears). Be fearless. Teach then trust! Pressure valve your life more often (doesn’t have to be loud or animated like mine, but rather nurturing in your own way). Come to balance for less need to escape but rather to Be.

How do you incrementally escape your life’s pressures? Do you have a go-to pressure valve? — BadWitch

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Tagged balance, boundaries, Eat Pray Love, empathy, life, pressure valve, self-care, skills, success, suffering, suffering silently, truth

Dressed for Success? Or GNO?

Posted on January 17, 2011 | 3 Comments

When your smart friend makes inappropriate work clothes choices, how do you tell her it’s not Girl’s Night Out? Telling the empress she might be better off naked than hoochie. — BadWitch

P.S. Happy Martin Luther King Day. Spread the Dream.

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I met my best friend at our work. Sometimes she dresses like a hoochie mama. Or like she’s ready for the club more than a meeting. How do I tell her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings. — What Not to Wear

Dear What Not to Wear,

It’s tough when your girlfriend thinks she’s amazing crazy, sexy, cool in the VIP lounge and the queen of the boardroom, too. Props for her confidence, but should someone’s self-esteem be tied to their sexuality, it can be an extra confusing line to tow. We know that no woman enjoys having anyone tell her she doesn’t look her best or most professional (and in certain environs, the line for appropriate women’s work apparel can be even thinner). Challenge! Be a BFF by telling your girl the truth but with the intention of helping her excel in the workplace by reinforcing the best of what makes her confident.

You know her personality best (and the healthy dosage of reality you can administer before she ODs and crashes), so keep that in mind while telling her something like this: “As your office BFF, you know how much I admire your skills and how smart you are here at work. But having gone clubbing with you, too, sometimes it seems to me that you confuse your two lives through your choice of work clothes. In the office I want your image to reflect your successful work, so I’m suggesting that you might consider clothes that people who aren’t your BFFs can recognize your smarts right away in. Maybe longer skirts and higher tops (fill-in-her-offenses), are more appropriate work clothes? The only reason I wanted to tell you this is so you can do something productive about it. I only ever have your best interest in mind.” Then drop it. If she is ready, she will take in what you suggest and enact her own spin on it, if not, she will probably still hear it subconsciously and file it away for later.

Smart friends speak up with love,

BadWitch

Dear What Not to Wear,

Much like telling a friend their mate is cheating on them, tread very carefully. If your friend is dressing like a “hootchie mama” obviously she draws a lot of her sense of self-worth from her sexiness. Asking her to tamp that down or letting her know you find it inappropriate, it may be taken as more of a personal slap than intended.

I find television to be very instructive. Style Network’s “How Do I look?” may be a great addition to your DVR cue. Then maybe a night with some wine, TV and well-placed comments. This show has friends tell friends when their “look” is inappropriate—either too trashy or, well, too trashy. The show even offers coaching for contestants, as well as makeovers, so you hear first-hand how to talk someone down off the Hootchie Mama Wagon.

Watch the show before-hand and decide whether you want to take your friend to dinner (definitely with wine) and discuss the issue of whether you want to do a covert, “Let’s watch some TV at my house. I saw the funniest new makeover show!” Perhaps check into some resources for personal shoppers and fashion consultants. Give your friend the opportunity to discover other sides about herself.

And lastly, somewhere in all this, let your friend know that she is a sexy, beautiful woman to the degree that flaunting her sexuality can create unnecessary competition, jealousies and unwanted attention. Let her know that you love and respect her. Let her know she’s sexy even wearing a garbage bag. Help her see her sexuality in more ways than a super short hemline and low cut blouse.

Be a friend. Tell the truth—one way or another.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, career, life, Life coaching

Tagged body image, boundaries, career, dress for success, empathy, friendship, girl's night out, gossip, hoochie mama, job, life, relationships, success, truth, work attire, workplace

Tag Archives: boundaries

Weakest Link: When Strong Team Needs Management

Miss Congeniality’s Sister: Sandra Bullied

Rude Boyfriend = Anger, Mad & You

Self-Expansion Through Self-Expression (BW)

Good Friend’s Incendiary Talk, Bad

Out of the Closet: Unwanted Makeover

UPDATED Bottomless Office Pit: Cake, Gifts & Money Collection

Pressure Valve: Eat Pray Love Increments Needed to Escape (BW)

Dressed for Success? Or GNO?

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