Good Witch / Bad Witch

Entries tagged as ‘balance’

Couple, Activities-rich or Die Tryin’

March 11, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Whether your relationship is seeking a party, His & Her hiking sticks, or a fellow home body can say a lot about you two.      — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My boyfriend wants us to go out all the time, but I’m happy home with him watching our favorite TV shows off the DVR. Suggestions for compromising please… — Couch Tater

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Dear Couch Tater,

To love someone isn’t always to like them. “Like” includes tangibles like having things in common, stage of life experiences/-ing, and admiring/enjoying someone’s qualities. Liking a person is often about the experiential – you know, bonding. There are sexy, friendly and intellectual activities — a lot depends on the stage your relationship is at.

Non-defensively, ask you b/f why he wants to constantly go out. If it leans more towards boredom — here’s a thought: boring people get bored — then you suggest alternating shared time together with your interests. But if he is trying to bond with you and you equally want to strengthen your relationship, you might have to make more of an effort in two areas: 1) actually getting up off your comfy booty and venturing outside, and/or 2) realizing men and women bond differently, neither wrong. Men “do” and women “talk” but neither in the same ways with the opposite sex as their own.

Here’s an activity to share together: each come up with a list of your own ideas (cooking class/homework, walk then TV; train or spa together; casual games; a romantic drive; fantasize then detail plan a realistic getaway together…) of fun and games, and then compare the two lists. Cross-reference for any commonalities, discuss to consider crossing off deal breaking no-ways, and then see if a theme emerges from the ones left over on your common list. That’s the thing, darlin’, looking for those commonalities.

Common not ordinary time,

BadWitch

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Dear Couch Tater,

Suggestions for compromise? Hello are you having some major time management malfunction? At its simplest form compromise in this situation is staying in one day of the weekend and going out the other. Or, like in my world sharing children, split the week in half and alternate weekends.

Come on, if you are two adults you should be able to work this out. “Honey, I don’ feel like going out tonight. Let’s stay in tonight and go out tomorrow instead.” Or “Baby, the big party night feels like Friday to me. Can we set that as blazin’ crazy night and make Saturday movie night?” Say what you need. Listen to what your partner wants. Write down both lists and agree upon where the middle is. He’ll give up Thursday night beer and poker to hang out around the house with you if you will throw on some makeup and a sexy outfit for Friday night on the town.

If our partner refuses to compromise and curb the party night, well, then you have a different issue. If your partner needs to be alcohol and partying to unwind after a long day, then counseling and support for substance abuse may be in order. However, if the issue really is time management and cooperation, if you can’t figure out how to say no to a night on the town or how to ask for your partner to stay in on occasion, your marriage has much bigger issues.

Listen, I understand preferring to be home, on the couch, in your sweats, under a snuggie. But marriage doesn’t mean you won the war and you don’t have to work so hard anymore. You want to stay happily married? Alternate the night on the couch with sexy surprises that suggest there is more fun at home than out in the world. Other nights, ask “where’s the party?” Grab life by the balls—whether it’s staying in or going out. Being a homebody can be fun. Being a hermit shouldn’t last forever, especially if you expect others to stay as shut-ins with you.

So, figure out where center is. Talk honestly and openly. Compromise. Collaborate and keep it fresh.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · health · life · love · relationships · spirituality · wellness
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Straightening Out Flaming, Gay Friend…Or Not

March 4, 2010 · 3 Comments

Fire! Don’t yell it in a movie theater, but definitely heed the call if your friend is screaming it loudly whenever you two are out. Love your bitches like you wanna be loved.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a friend who I love dearly and unconditionally. The problem is when we go out, he acts even more (stereotypically) gay than he normally is! It can be funny for a while, but then I get embarrassed for him. I don’t know why he needs this kind of attention. — Loud & Proud Friend

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

I’m not sure how to answer this question. I mean, on the one hand, I understand the annoyance of friends who have “party personas” that come out whenever groups of 4 or more gather — especially when alcohol is added. But, I also can’t help but remember Roger, the fabulously gay husband in the remake of The Stepford Wives. Roger’s partner loved Roger’s flamboyant ways until he had the ability to change him into a Brooks Brothers wearing politician.

Are you missing your friend and thoughtful communication when you are out and about or are you looking for a way to shape him into more of your idea of who he should be. Either way, you can’t really control how someone chooses to present themselves to the world. Whether you decide to share your concerns or not, acceptance is key here.

If your “embarrassment” is actually for yourself because in public he seems beyond the boundaries of respectable behavior, say nothing. Then it’s your issue, not his. Your friend’s coming out when going out may be his own flag waving of independence. In which case, again, let it be.  Again, accept. He is who he is. If you are so embarrassed by his behavior, perhaps you should reduce how often you two go out together.

If you honestly believe your friend’s “party persona” is a mask he wears to hide in plain sight, then as his friend, you should have a heart-to-heart conversation. Let him know that you love, appreciate and respect him, however, you’ve noticed his need to over-compensate as the chandelier swinging fun boy when you are out. Let him know there is no need. He’s amazing as he is and has no need for over-compensating. Realize, however, that change doesn’t happen overnight. Also, reminding him of his over acting every time you go out may abruptly end your hang time. Most people do not want to party with their mother.

Either way, you can’t change how another person acts. You can only choose to accept or deny. Even if your friend is working on this “party persona,” realize lasting change takes time. Love and acceptance through the process, builds deep, lasting friendships. And remember, embarrassment is just on the other side of acceptance if you take the effort to make the journey. Watch The Bird Cage again. It will help.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

Not sure for whom “this kind of attention” is a problem for here… Darlin’ ask anyone who knows me daily, I always say about adjustments made in life: The pendulum never swings to the middle. Gay or straight, male or female, young or old, when we’re growing/changing, trying to find ourselves, or trying to feel comfortable showing our truest selves in public — face it, we’re all exactly the same: flawed human cupcakes. This fragility/frailty is just that, human. Even the most comfortable-in-her/his-skin and confident person, at minimum once in her/his life felt like a fake or that s/he had to act out to “come back home.”

Be happy knowing your friend knows he can act (another of those key words) his best and worst around you, and that means he knows he has your acceptance and you have his back. It’s often toughest to tell the ones we love they crazee!, or straight up assholes. Do your friend, yourself and your relationship a favor by letting him know (when he’s not acting out, drunk or otherwise not “himself” as you know him 9 of 10 times) that in your opinion, you think he’s better than he acts/treats himself at these times, and ask him if it’s ok if you poke him in the arm when he does it in real time. But be prepared if he tells you to f-off because he feels fine with  his flaming behavior, or doesn’t know what you’re talking about, etc. Let it go (and I’m taking face value facts at your word here). The girl ain’t ready. There’s one more in-between possibility, maybe that flamer is who he really is, and he’s acting when he’s toning himself down in the every day (ask yourself what does he do for a living, or what does your town look like?). In that case, just tell him with a wink that you’ve got his fire extinguisher — when he calls you for a friend 9-1-1 intervention — but in that instance for gawd’s sake, if you’re a true friend, don’t try to change him because he makes you feel uncomfortable!

LYMI!,

BadWitch

==

Image, Till Krech

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · relationships · self-improvement
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Socializing Co-workers: Peer Pressure

March 1, 2010 · Leave a Comment

You already spend most of your waking life with these people at the office. Now they want you to wh-what?!, hang out with them outside it, too? Is it peer pressure or spirit-scoliosis that’s got you down?    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Too much peer pressure at work. I get invited to geeky events I have no interest in but everyone goes to. How do I get out of things nicely without shooting myself in the foot in case I need their help on the job?  — To Go or Not Go

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Dear To Go or Not to Go,

Well, my first question is, how do you like your co-workers? Do you think they are “geeky” or are they all right people? My guess is not all the events are horrific life-sucking events. Pick your battles.

If you are interested in pursuing this career choice, and a large number of co-workers in your field are interested in these events, this isn’t just socializing. It’s work research. How your co-workers spend their time will affect your product…or the next products down the line. You have the opportunity to get the inside scoop on the interests, research and influences of the people in your profession. If, say, you are in advertising or software production, such influences are a snap shot of trends coming down the line. Does this mean you need to be at each and every event to get the 411. Of course not, again, pick your battles.

You seem to work at a close-knit workplace. Communing with your co-workers on occasion may also help your standing in the office. By extending relationships beyond the boundaries of the office, you have the opportunity to get to know people on a more personal level. Think Survivor. Alliances are good. Plus, you may just find an inside joke may make your workday just a little more fun. You, of course, need to draw the boundary line of how much extra-curricular tie you spend with your co-workers. I’m suggesting that maybe once a month would not hurt your career path, enjoyment in the office or relationships at work.

That is unless you call them “geeky” to their face. Be nice. If you just take them as they are and attempt to forego judgments, maybe they won’t pass judgments on you. And even if you think you’re perfect and above reproach, know that that idea is fully mockable. Breathe. Set your boundaries and go play once in a while. It won’t hurt.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear To Go or Not Go,

We Americans are friendly and like to tell others to “Smile!” It’s some sort of national personality marker we are collectively comfortable with. [If you think everyone around the world is like this because how else would you be?, get on a plane and check out what I’m saying, you nice, friendly turista.] When it comes to the workplace rather than personal choice outings, this can be tough on individuals who are naturally shy or just would rather be alone. In the office, as in most of the Real World, balance is usually the best marker to shoot for.

Take a cue from the Wisdom of the Cube. Cubicle walls, that is. Management puts them up for reasons other than just questionable taste and cost/space savings. They were originally meant to give a modicum of privacy while giving peers psychological access to each other (you know, team building), while helping you focus, all towards the company’s work at hand. To me, that sounds exactly like ideal level of sociability you should attempt to achieve at work.

In the office there are two criteria for successfully negotiating social situations: 1) your natural sociability personality, and 2) individual event’s importance to your career climbing. With Number 1, extremes of being totally withdrawn and private, nor a Stage 5 gregarious, outgoing happy neighbor, will serve your best interests. Once you come to terms and then some balance with your natural comfort level (by understanding yourself and then making a commitment to push yourself outside of that box once in a while), you’ll want to learn apply that little extra you (if you’re shy) or a little more toned down (if you’re super social) effort to be a better version of you. Why is pushing yourself to come to balance important if you don’t care about your job? It’s not, but given this economic climate, I assume even the least ambitious worker bee would want to keep their best foot forward to keep their every day on the job as pleasant and easy as possible (in other words, ease and grace help staying employed less of a job).

Then Number 2, where you will have to learn, if you don’t already know, which social invites are purely for personal pleasure and which are meet and greets and/or other career-building opportunities (a key word). Go to the best work ones (they usually have the best food and drink, at the very least!) and pick and choose which personal pleasure ones you care to attend. For those that you still consider “geeky events (you) have no interest in,” also learn how to clearly and nicely state that to your inviters’ faces.

What are you over and done with (maybe groupie (geekster to singers!) clubbing/partying, or even religious-inclined outings)? What environments (people, places, or situations) are you not willing to participate with/in? Identify what does and doesn’t work for you, your values, and state your boundaries clearly , do it with an open and friendly tone. Accepting/rejecting and getting invited to events rarely, ironically, have anything to do with you personally on any valid level…it’s how we spin them that gives them any power over us.

Still…it ain’t all rocket science ,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · career · de-stress · happiness · life · relationships
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Restaurant Dining Wars. Spit for Spat?

February 22, 2010 · Leave a Comment

You’ve been served! Bad food, that is. Which whine should you have with that? Standing up for yourself at a sit down meal.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Do you believe in sending back bad food? Isn’t this just asking for a whole different can of worms of problems (like spit)? — Spit for Spite

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Dear Spit for Spite,

Well, that all depends on the restaurant…and your attitude. Life is all about flowing in harmony. Sometimes, you realize that harmony requires your meat to be cooked further or the plentiful pits plucked from your tapenade. Although, at other times it is clear that harmony can be maintained by foregoing returning your free bread for warming or just putting the red onion—you held, but now find on your burger—to the side.

In other words, check the atmosphere before pulling your high maintenance routine. Your well-trained palate and its stringent requirements may be well received at a 5-star restaurant and may incite Waiting-esq revenge in your typical American chain restaurant where what you get is really what you get. All-American chain, all you can eat— unless the problem is dramatic, don’t send it back.

Check the vibe in the establishment. If the wait staff is high school age-ish, start with a lack luster repeat-after-me-verbatim-introduction or comes with full-color pictures on the menu are usually not the places to send food back to the kitchen.

However, in a more welcoming environment, by all means, ask to have your needs met. Ask, not order. Ask with compassion—believing, trusting and approaching the situation like an oversight or mistake rather than a flagrant attack on your dinner out. If you are respectful in how you ask to have your needs met, your needs will usually be met in a respectful way. If there is any inkling that your respectful request has been met with less than the utmost courtesy and hygiene, ask for the manager immediately or report the restaurant to local government board.

Good luck and good eating,

GoodWitch

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Dear Spit for Spite,

Life is just like dining out: you can pick from an assortment of choices offered you. Not everything you want is always on the menu. Sometimes your good choices aren’t what you expect, other times, the meal surpasses your expectations. You learn. You dine another day.

One of those fabulous life specials often reserved for the chef’s or “secret” menu, is how to pick and choose your battles. Most chefs don’t like being told “how to cook” (which is different from its preparation, which is really what rational dish returnees are most often saying) and you do run the risk of incurring their (or your waiter’s) wrath of spit or some other unsavory secret sauce. I firmly believe that in life in and out of restaurants, that you should always clearly ask for what you want — not to mention here, you’re paying hard-earned money for it. Gently fold those ingredients together (picking your fights and standing up for yourself), add a tablespoon of reasonable language, and let cool before serving (your waiter!).

Treating your waiter with respect is my tip for you. Probably the best way to avoid other peoples’ earned or unearned spite in your food of life, is to come to the table with an open mind, evenhanded attitude, empathy for others’ hard work, and your own strong sense of boundaries of what is right and just. From apps to dessert, this is a great menu that should leave you happily full and sated.

Bon apetito a la dolce vita,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · life · relationships · self-improvement
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Hello, My Name is Jon & I’m Addicted to Social Networking

February 18, 2010 · 1 Comment

O!, what a tangled web we weave. More and more people feel caught in their own Social web instead of in their real life (RL). And all social skills are not created equally. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW— Help me! I’m being held captive in a Social factory! I spend wayyy too many hours every day at my socials. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. Is there such a thing as balanced online life?! — Nothing but Social Life

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Dear Nothing but Social Life,

I call obsession to being online constantly BSOS, or Bright Shiny Objects Syndrome. Let’s be clear: you have an obsession (a mental preocupation) not a true addiction (a dependency) — but sadly it’s funnier to say you’re addicted when it comes to something so seemingly small yet insidious as Social networking. This phenomenon is relatively new to the past 15 years, give or take, and it does represent a real and potentially damaging and problem for kids or teens — anyone still developing (physically (brain), academically (reading/spelling), emotionally and socially (critical thinking, emotional balance, and inter-/intrapersonal communication)). The debate’s still out on whether social networking and massive hours online for kids is good or bad. Depending on what age/stage you are, the problem as you described  it can affect one differently.

Spending the majority hours of your day online “being social” is not the same thing as actually Having a Real Life, which takes skills, time and effort, and practice. If you have a RL, then web Socials can be an enhancement, not a replacement. My advice in a nutshell: Go outside and play! One feeds the other. The inside of your head is never as fascinating a place to anyone else as it is to you. Just the facts, ma’am/sir. The classic building blocks of  social, cultural and personal development still hold true: learning how to read and write (properly) gives U a leg up 2 understndg ur world historically and presently, which assists in having conversations with others to stimulate and grow your brain’s logic, speech, spatial and judgment centers, which all add up to the ability for having a fuller, more satisfying and balanced social life.

While out of balance Social networking is an obsession rather than an addiction, I still recommend checking how OCD a personality you might have as a good starting point to help you identify some of your behaviors and/or motivations. Otherwise, “addiction” to Socials is much more akin to work addiciton than a classic addiction (e.g., sex or drugs), and coming to balance is obviously the goal.

Start there. Answer the questions in the article link above, and start understanding what motivates your persistent, maybe obsessive Social usage. You can always try implementing a couple simple Social habit-breaking rules for yourself over 6 weeks (time to change a habit).

Balance your RL & Social lives: 1) only log on if you actually have something truly interesting and/or “newsworthy” to say, and; 2) if you can say it all by spending no more than 30 minutes a day updating, Replying, or browsing your Socials. Then between Weeks 2-4 of your habit-changing 6 weeks, drop 5 minutes each week from your time online at your Socials, until you are only logging in for 15 minutes a day. I recommend the stopwatch on your iPhone (a good personal use for a mobile!) or other alarm system.

In all your newly found free time, you can develop your people watching, reading and conversational skills more often in the RW.

Logging off,

BadWitch

==

Dear Nothing But Social Life,

I hope your social life happens in the 3-D world, as well. The beauty of social media is the beauty of connection. You can connect with friends of long ago and people you don’t know, even celebrities. But unless that is balanced with loving relationships in the 3-D world, you are missing out on hugs, kisses, and infectious belly laughs that roll on and on. The good news is your social obsession may be the very means of stepping back into the real world—you know, offline.

You can find people from your class living in your city and send a message to meet up. Speaking of meeting up, MeetUp.com leverages social media for a 3-D world. You find what you like to do — from archery to cooking, talking about the brain to best happy hours — in the real world and meet other folks who are into the same thing there. Joining groups with similar interests can create lifelong bonds. Jane Austen Book Club, anyone?

Your social life comes with distance built in. Time, location, and an electronic device come between you and your online interactions. You can edit what you say, before blurting it out and can actually delete what you say. Would that the real-world were so forgiving. That is why we can feel more comfortable behind our socials than in the 3-D.

Meld them both for optimum balance, health and sanity. Did you know hugs reduce your heart rate and stress levels — proven. People with close relationships (on and off screen, mind you) live longer than those who do not, again, proven.

Funny thing is if you were a social addict, had to be out in the world and around people 24-7, I would counsel you to spend ore time alone and draw some boundaries in your life, perhaps even using social media as a tool. But, in your case, you have bridged two worlds. You are in the world, but not of it, which may work in the Buddah’s mind to lighten the soul, but if you are here in this 3-D, in a body, well make the most of it. Get out and go places you’ve never been before, even if it’s just neighborhoods in your city. Go for walks and actually chat with strangers. Besides, if you need a hit, check your mobile and upload a couple of status updates, that automatically feed your Tweet.

There’s no cold turkey needed here. Besides the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has already by-passed online addiction as an actual social disorder.

Screen time + 3-D time=balance.

Get Happy,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · media · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Roomie Respect! Vegan vs. Smoking Cocktail Swiller

January 25, 2010 · 13 Comments

In this corner weighing in at no animal protein products, ittttt’s Vegan Vitto! In this corner defending titleholder, Glam & the City! Can roomies with seemingly conflicting lifestyles live successfully under one landlord?     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a new roomie who’s really nice but is a total vegan and yoga nutcase. I like to drink, smoke my ciggies, and eat out (I don’t do drugs). We get along just fine, but I don’t think we approve of each other’s lifestyles. Can a veghead and a smoking carnivore get along under the same roof?  — War of the Roomies Avoider

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Dear Roomie war avoider,

How the heck did you two come together? It can sometimes be tough enough to live with people we love, share commonalities with…but I know when it comes to making the rent, we can do a lot more than we’d guess, if we set our minds and grit to it. Here’s what comes to mind immediately:

• Set some house rules – most especially around food storage and other territorial netherlands. Start with comparing your separate deal breaker lists, and working down to the Would Likes. Oh and of course you may find you can live together under one roof, but you will have to smoke somewhere else, most likely.

• Be respectful as you wanna be respected – this includes a brief and mutual head/life re-orienting time; check in weekly on progress and to air concerns (your case has high potential for stuffing feelings down, don’t). If you do the above robustly, this part should come more naturally for both of you — but I would do definitions here, like, “When I say X, I mean (fill in the blank specifically as you can articulate each).”

• Share an outing – If you can successfully navigate #s 1 and 2 above, Pass Go and Collect $200 by trying to see if you can come up with and share an easy, low maintenance outing like a coffee/green tea, a walk, or even eating out. This civility is only meant to help shine light on the commonalities of your lives towards lessening the differences. If you two become actual friends, even better!

Hmm, you kinda have a lot of potential for cool and expanding experience here. If you both consistently focus on that as being a mutual goal — and do the work — your communications will likely come smoother, less haltingly mindful, and eventually easier. Learning how to communicate and live with people we’re different from on the surface could even begin to teach us how to be more at home with truest selves…whoa, now that’s cool.

Strawberry fields forever,

BadWitch

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Dear War of the Roomies Avoider,

What can I say, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.” I realize that your two lifestyles are very different, but judging one another is not the way to peaceful cohabitation. I also realize that some deep personal beliefs may come into play, but in the end, we are all just trying to get through this life thing. Making your roomie wrong because of seemingly austere vegan ways is not the way.

RESPECT! Respect does not mean expecting others to bend their wills to fall in line with what you believe is the best way to live your life. Respect is allowing for each person to be as they are and finding, if not acceptance, then understanding. For instance, perhaps out of respect for your roommate’s virgin lungs, you might smoke your ciggies outside. You will not only be happy for a fresher, less second-hand household. I understand the aroma of cooking beef or chicken, while delightful to some, might be trying for a vegan. Your roommate, should respect your need to cook your food in your shared kitchen, though I suggest separate pans. These are just uncomfortable bits of undefined boundaries. Work out the rules of the house so you can move on to amicably.

So, I guess what I’m saying in a very motherly tone is, “Work it out!” I should not need to come to your house to show you how to compromise effectively. Apparently, you both signed on for this cohabitation, knowing what you were getting into. Why now the judgments? Why the disdain for exercise and rigid eating habits? Why the condescension for indulging in life’s bounty? You two need to have a good, cold-hard-facts-on-the-table discussion. Work out the boundaries of you respectful compromise and get back to the business of the “who’s really nice,” you started off with.

The Vegan is no more of an exalted human because he/she does not eat any part of an animal’s flesh. You are no less of a human because you may choose to have a cigar with brandy after a nice steak. We are all spirits in this 3-D existence with our own karma and lessons to learn. We do not know what you or your roommate is intended to learn in this life. Who are you to judge the path before the other? Every human is not alike, though every human is equal in the eyes of God. The trappings and “story” we have concocted around our lives means little in the grand scheme of things. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, you know it is the loss of the spirit, the communing, the relationship that echoes loudest—not what would have ordered at a restaurant.

As I say to my own children when bickering is just easier than being respectful, “Get over it before other people start treating you that way.” You two seem to be in the throws of teaching each other the wrong things. Have an honest, respectful conversation, agree to some respectful boundaries and get on with the peaceful cohabitation.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, DrummaKween @ flickr

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · life · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Have Fun, Build Credit on a Budget?

January 18, 2010 · Leave a Comment

How do you get started or maintain good credit these days? Can you live it up and still live by your means?   — BadWitch

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day – stockmarket closed.

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How can I stay safe and sane on the money front? I’ve got a good paying, crappy full-time job (but will have to give it up for a slightly lower paying entry level one in my field, if I can get one!), am graduating college this spring, and other than my student loan, believe it or not I have very little credit card debt (around $3500) that I pay more than the minimums on. I want to stay conservative but not totally have no life. Thanks.  — Green Grad

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Dear Green Grad,

Wow, feeling a little down about where you are now and where you want to be going, huh. This is no way to start off a whole, new section of your life.  I get being realistic about your possibilities in this market, but your tone, frankly, sounds pessimistic about where you are now and future possibilities.

Want to get to the finish line feeling good about who you are and what you’ve achieved in life? Stop rushing to the I’m-suppose-to-achieve-by-the-time-I’m-30 finish line. Appreciate where you are now and enjoy it, then it easier to plot your way forward.

Reality check. In this economy, no job that feeds your belly and keeps you with a roof over your head is a “crappy” job? I know a Ph.D. currently working in a bookstore and glad for the paycheck. Our culture has been blinded since Archie Bunker’s plaid working-class and JJ’s “dy-no-mite” housing projects lifestyles were replaced by Dynasty’s big shoulder, designer labels. Life is not what you do for a living or what you spend your money on. Focus on finding the positives wherever you can find them. There’s no finish line. Life is a series of connected moments. Make the most of each one.

Now, with this new half-full outlook, realizing how lucky you are: no kids, supporting only yourself and with a viable income and young and cheap enough for employers in your field to want to hire you. Nice. So, how about your wallet?

1. Pay Yourself First. Every check, put 10%-15% into savings immediately. That way you build up more (pick one: freedom, stability, money, choices) for yourself with every check you collect from this current job and have more of a cushion to open up choices for the next step in your career.

2. Buy According to What You Need, Not What Will Impress Someone Else. Listen, if the only way you can get someone to be interested in you is to have the right phone, the right car, the right shoes—GET RID OF THEM. Make buying choices based on making yourself happy—not in the moment—but in the long run. If you love the expensive shoes and will wear them happily and comfortably for the next 2 years, that’s a good investment. If the Jimmy Choo shoes are uncomfortable, but cute and will wind up under the bed, but so-and-so will choke on there sushi when they see…bad investment. Those shoes will limit your spending choices moving forward. (Substitute any possible consumer good for Jimmy Choo example.)

Still need more money management ideas? Check out these earlier GWBW posts. They say downsizing, which means how you balance having money, having stuff and having a life.

Happy Trails,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Green Grad,

Props on being aware and diligent about your own credit worthiness and financial health! Everything in it is a metaphor for the state of our life; our finances mirror our general emotional and practical wellbeing. All things are connected, so if you become more and more responsible and alert through action — which isn’t synonymous with a gloom and doom existence! — it becomes very hard to not reflect that ease and grace more so in most parts of your life.

We’re not financial specialists so consult the appropriate professionals if your situation now or comes to require it. Otherwise, I recommend the classic rules of personal money management: pay yourself first (designate a percentage of each paycheck to your savings before all other commitments), pay off your debts (assuming finance rates charged you are higher than the rates of return on your investments. This will help raise your credit score, and (free) check your three credit scores the beginning of every year for general info as well as correcting any possible inaccuracies over the year), and despite what my hero Oscar Wilde said (shows no imagination..ha ha!) by all means live within your means. The latter is the bane of many people’s financial life.

Don’t assume but definitely account for that lower starting salary in your field you’re anticipating. First do the research to find out specifically what that means in dollars and cents, and adjust your monthly nut accordingly by that percentage drop now. But…you can live well by living smart; create small term goals for your finances like for vacation, school books, monthly entertainment budget — and stick to them coming (saving) and going (spending). A friend was successful with my suggestion to teach her kids about the value of taxes by having them put a small set percentage of their allowance into the House Tax, which ends up funding family pizza and movie night, or similar. Adapt this plan for your own lifestyle expenditures and make sure you stick to it for maximum enjoyment!

We get more out of life when we know (self-examine) more about our life. This includes understanding well our personal priorities (Bill Gates was known to regularly refuse the Presidential suites automatically held for him, but gathered a partner to buyout the Four Seasons Hotels, Inc.) — I advised another recent college grad not to get used to a lifestyle she’d have to make career decisions to support, but make choices to support building her career (her priority then) with ease and flexibility. Now she’s a happy careerist homeowner.

Budgeting and spending don’t have to be painful experiences, or negative words when we see the Big Picture. And this is how our lives begin to look better, we feel more in control and go from stressed survival to thriving and fully living.

Save & live for yourself,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · life · money · self-improvement · spirituality
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Business Ethics: The Good, The Bad, The Confusing

January 4, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Most people we know want to be good. Does being good most of the time count? Personal and business ethics, why seemingly more confusing now than ever before?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I hate to admit this but as this is a confidential question, I ask in case others are in a similar boat as mine. I consider myself to be a very highly ethical person 99% of the time. I am in a position of authority at work. Once in a blue moon, I have considered doing something that would compromise my personal integrity because I know it would benefit me and no one would be the wiser. Is there anything I can do to assure I don’t ever breech my personal integrity on the job?  — Boss Man

==

Dear Boss Man,

Ethics are a multi-faced Rubik’s cube rolling along a slippery slope.

I can only take your self-description here at face value. Being a human being with integrity doesn’t mean you’ve been canonized for sainthood or otherwise superior to Joe the Plumber. It’s the point where the rubber really hits the raceway. If you have earned a position of authority at work (or anywhere else in life), to my thinking, you have likely allowed something larger than yourself to guide you more days than not. On the other side of that same coin, I further believe that we’re all here because we have something to learn, and just like school kids, if we encounter the same lesson (presented as problems or life challenges) over and over again (think ‘Groundhog Day’), it’s because we haven’t learned the lesson yet. The sign of learning and subsequent growth is realizing you have new “better” problems to now hammer out — sort of like an ironic promotion.

Your delicate question sounds to me closer on the situational ethics side of the thin line, than the business ethics side. And in this question, that’s a hair-thin line! As I can’t imagine the honchos at Enron, et al, asking themselves these questions you pose, I feel confident to say to you: Let your personal ethics rule you in these trying episodes. Try not to throw the baby (your hard work and good rep) out with the bathwater, and instead keep checking yourself, chief, and stay frosty against your own shortsighted inner demons, soldier.

Be the North Star you want to follow,

BadWitch

“In order to be a leader…the supreme quality of a leader is unquestionably integrity. …The first great need, therefore, is integrity and high purpose.” — Gen. Dwight Eisenhower

==

Dear Boss Man,

OK, in life morals and business ethics only you can decide to “do the right thing.” Each and every one of us has the ability to do some questionable deeds under the table. There are no angels who don’t see the seduction of the dark side. Hell, even Jesus was tempted…more than once.

The difference is what you choose. The greatest gift of humanity is freedom of choice. We can choose to strive for our best or not. We can choose to weigh the benefits of all against the advantage of the one, or not. We can choose to approach business ethically or, we may not. The choice is yours, and, frankly, I’m pretty sure whatever I say here will have very little effect on your eventual choice.

If you are writing with this question, you are already pondering breaking the rules. An opportunity is being presented to you and you are deciding between business ethics and, well, Bernie Madoff. Let me say, fail-safes exist in companies. Many a former employee has been shocked to find their company had been following their unethical behavior. Great employees have been lost from companies because they have been disgusted by the unethical business practices of managers. In other words, you may put blinders on to whether anyone knows about what you have been doing, but in a work environment where you are in a fishbowl with the same people day-to-day, the inevitability of someone getting a whiff of your dirty deed is pretty high.

Listen, no one is granted immunity from temptation, but what separates the truly great from those of the dirty deeds propping themselves up on others’ is integrity—a personal decision to live life free from lies, drama and “getting over.” It is a simpler life. You don’t have to back track what lie you have told to which person and whether cells of lies will intersect causing whole new and elaborate stories to be needed. It’s about making a choice to rise above base instinct for survival so that you can thrive, truly enjoying life and its gifts. Do the right thing. Let karma work for you, instead of unearthing the skeletons in your closet.

Choose to do the right thing,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · career · life · self-improvement · spirituality
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New Year’s Evolution

December 28, 2009 · 2 Comments

What a decade. Usually secure and grounded people we know felt everything from shocked from the first market bust, to eh!, to sad to depressed and back again. A fresh, shiny new year is nearly upon us. Appreciating your opportunities, yourself,

to make lasting change.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’d like 2010 to be better than this year. Do you have any suggestions? I’ve been feeling a bit sad these last few weeks (my work is going well though).   — Blue’s Not my Color

==

Dear Blue’s Not My Color,

I’m with you! 2010 should be better! Well, I wish I could promise you lollipops and rainbows, but “life is gonna do what it do.” It’s up to us to decide the past is done and no longer has power over you. It’s done. Now, plot your course for the future, make the navigation corrections and full speed ahead. Depression starts by drafting around past history, judgments and ideas. What has happened is done. The only hold it still has over you is the power you give it to define your present and future. Decide to make a fresh start. Accept what has been. Recognize the past is over and decide to live a new life. Now.

2009 was a seriously trying year. Stress was the name of the game. We are at the start of a major evolutionary shift in our culture—and it’s definitely been a bumpy ride. But now that we know uncertainty is the name of the game, it’s up to us to decide the surf the waves as best we can.

The time has come to decide how you will live your life going forward. Will you be happy? Decide to make it so. Not in some throw away New Year’s resolution kind of way, but in a deep, meaningful, “I’m changing my life” way. Decide. Start by adding serotonin-producing foods to your diet. It will help lift some of the blues.

Then start a meditation practice. Make a habit of taking some time every day to picture yourself living the life you want to live. What are you imagining? Making more friends? Feeling secure and happy? Learning new skills (cooking, yoga, whatever)? The more you allow yourself the space to imagine your ideal life, the more information you have about what is missing now. My suggestion? Add it. Take the class. Call some friends for a night out.  Choose to do what you will do, cause life is gonna do what it do.

The mantra for 2010: “I choose, so all I have to do is decide. I decide to be happy.”

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Non-Smurf,

I doubt there’s anyone who doesn’t want 2010 to be a fresh start. When better to look forward than an entirely new and clean decade? The shift into the third millennium was a bumpy ride all right, Bette Davis — and 2009 just seems to have been an appropriate capper for it all. From the tech bubble burst, 9-11, the global financial crisis, housing bubble, to global warming events/signs escalation…whoa!, that’s a whole lotta prompts for us all as individuals to make meaningful changes for more evolved living.

I’ve been on a lifelong quest of self-improvement, inspiration and spiritual expansion.  To my mind, work and personal lives are intertwined more these days than ever before. These suggestions might help you improve both:

• get to know yourself a little better every day. Journaling, participating in common interests groups for feedback and exchange, get some coaching, these types of activities help you get a more objective look at yourself and, anywhere from immediately to over decades, can help you make better, more personal value-based decisions, then…

• don’t make resolutions you won’t likely keep. In this area, pick just one habit or quality you’d like to improve about yourself and make a yearlong plan/goal, then scale it back to monthly To Do items/activities to support it. Make the daily changes small but do-able– especially at first, then challenge yourself as you go – you will actually change your habit(s) in three (3) weeks. Repeat, rehash, again, one more time! This will also help you…

• be kinder and gentler with yourself NOW!!! (haha), the kinder you act, the kinder you will become. This is an extremely under-recognized affliction and, I believe, partially explains how carelessly we treat each other and mindlessly we occupy each day….which could be how we got to this place…

That’s “it.” Know, improve and be kinder to yourself. Empathy for others through self-love.  We are all connected, so when we value and treat ourselves and each other with more care, we can become the change we can believe in.

Gratitude, hope and consciousness,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · health · life · love · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Not Your Daddy’s ‘Mad Men’: Working Mom, House Husband

December 22, 2009 · 19 Comments

New American Family v.3.5: mama brings home the bacon, daddy fries it up in a pan, and he never, never forgets he’s his own man. Nice upgrade!  — BadWitch P.S. Happy holidays, lovely readers! We’ll see you back here Monday.


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife loves her job, is very successful and I’m a stay-at-home-dad while I’m figuring out what I want to do next with my own career. My guy friends seem to be telling me to hurry up so I don’t lose my manly edge, do you agree? — Manly Dad

==

Dear Manly Dad,

Hey, Mr, Man, are your “guy friends” married, otherwise, what do their relationships look like? If your wife is happy on the home and work front, your family is rolling down the road smoothly with you at that helm from “9-to-5” (yeah right!) then I hope you won’t rush your search at the expense of another valuable experience you might not be able to get back — especially based on advice of those who may not practice what they preach.

I commend you for being uber-manly and supporting your wife’s success without any seeming issues there. Your kids and you will benefit from getting to know each other in a way not always afforded fathers and their children. If you’re genuinely happy about your role and decision to put your family first in all the ways that’s possible to you, I thank you in advance for our society at large! Last but definitely not least, I’m thrilled you’re taking time to explore and develop your own ideas about what career will serve you best. Your guy friends in question must not be doing work they love, or they’d know there’s no hurrying up this process to good effect. Get to know yourself — you’ll be a better husband, father and careerist in the long run for doing that work!

As for that “losing your manly edge” warning your seemingly insecure, scurrying friends brandish, a Real Man will always have an edge even if he were the Michelin Man on the outside.

Man up, be fully you,

BadWitch

==

Dear Manly Dad,

In this economy rushing is NOT the right answer. If you are stepping back out into job market—this job market—you need to take the time to really decide where and how you want to step back in. So, no, don’t rush because your boys are threatened by this new definition of “manly” you are presenting them with.

In truth, the job of staying at home with kids is nothing to sneeze at. You are honing patience, multitasking and creativity skills on an hourly basis. You are learning how to work your audience to excite, to quiet, to inspire. And though this may not seem like much, lemme tell you, those new skills are SUPER important in the working world. It’s called PR/marketing training with a little sensitivity thrown in. Clients, coworkers and, yes, bosses, will eat it up. If you jump into sales, oh yes, these are great skills to have.

The fact that your kid(s) have you at home when Mom is working full time, is a blessing. Also for you, already having a working budget with you able to take the time to decide how you will re-enter the job market—huge blessing. Take this time and use it wisely. Work with a coach. Take some time to really decide what you want to do with your career. This time is a blessing. Wring out every ounce of the gift. Then, when yu are truly ready, you’ll be well-prepared for the next stage of your career.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, Dr. Timothy A. Pychyl

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · career · de-stress · family · happiness · health · life · love · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,