Good Witch / Bad Witch

Entries categorized as ‘sex’

Calendaring L-OV-E? V-day, Not Just for Lovers

February 11, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Lots of us have love on the brain this weekend. Some of us regularly disdain Valentine’s Day. But why put off celebrating real love? Most of all remember, love is not just for Lovers or a chick thing but about truly celebrating…ourselves.

— BadWitch

Brewing & Celebrating Love’s Magic…

==

Valentines Day brings to mind hearts, roses and chocolate kisses. As a child, I dreaded Valentine’s Day. What if no one gave me a Valentine? In high school it was a question of whether anyone would send me a rose. By the end of the day, I had a small bouquet of yellow roses from the friends, while longingly staring down the hall at the love of my life, who invariably, thought I was one of his buddies.

Whether you have someone special in your life (who knows it!), are pining away for the one who got away or happily alone, remember to take the time to romance yourself this Valentine’s Day. After all, you are the most important relationship you will have in your life. In the immortal words of RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else.” Can I get an amen!

So, how to best romance yourself on this special occasion with your MOST special partner, i.e. you? I believe in starting with putting on your date underwear (oh, you know the ones I mean) and get yourself looking good and smelling pretty. That’s right, you look good, you feel good. Now, get yourself some flowers. You can cut and arrange them from the yard or buy a beautiful bouquet.  Then decide what would mean the most for you. Would you rather see a romantic comedy or a horror flick with a tub of popcorn? Perhaps a three-course meal at your favorite restaurant or that restaurant you’ve been wanting to check out. Treat yourself the way that you would hope to have a devoted lover treat you on this special holiday sacred to lovers the world over.

And, if you are sharing this beautiful day with someone special, really do it right. Couples massage is an excellent way to build intimacy and raise oxytocin. Add some flowers and chocolates and, well…Now, if money is an issue, tap into your creativity. One year I made a board game I called SCORE! I set it up like baseball, but the batter had to answer questions about their partner, like “which way do I like to have the toilet paper roll? Over or Under?” If the answer was right they advance a base. If they SCORE without striking out (one wrong answer and you’re out) a PLAY card is won. This card  may win you a kiss or some well-thought liberty or an “I love you,” in your best Donald Duck voice. Keep it fun and sensual. For the cost of paper and markers you can create a truly special and memorable evening.

I capped the evening off with lemon cake topped with candied rose petals. Even though we are divorced (but friends—hey, there are kids involved!) he still reminds me of that amazing dessert. We leave off mentioning the game, but let ‘s just say, unforgettable…in a good way.

Romance is in the making and the intention. Intend to open your heart. Intend to do the little things that make a heart flutter, a little wink or whisper of a touch. Intend to say what should never go left unsaid, “My life is better for having you in it.” And intend to enjoy. Life is a string of moments pulled together. Enjoy as many as possible.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

GoodWitch

P.S. For more yummy ideas, join our Fan page and get in the mood.

==

Love starts with “U.” Why celebrate just one day of card company-sanctioned LOVE? Not everyone is hooked up or as Pauly D and the Situation would say, creepin’. But every day is a good day to celebrate the love of self, so we can love each other a little bit better.

Indy celebration: If you find the holiday depressing, then stay away from all things V-Day themed including date movie genre flicks and restaurants featuring menus for Lovers. There are so many other ways you can celebrate your self yourself. Maybe you’ll do this soaking in a fragrant tub, power walking around a sparkling lake, writing or videoing Things You Love About Yourself (no need to leak it to TMZ, and I highly recommend this at least annually! If you don’t know what’s lovable about you, then who else can love all the amazing things about you?) — what makes you tick, uniquely special, so enchanting, attractive, delightful and/or any other element worth spotlighting and celebrating. Revisit your I Heart Me list…when you need to. Now, darlin’, that’s a gift that keeps on giving. For fun Groupie celebrating: Tweetup or plan a NVD (NotValentine’sDay) for the Love of Love event. Whether it’s a Girls night, Bromance, or mixed party, open up the floor to ideas from everyone, or assign everyone to come up with to bring a funny, serious, strange or favorite way to celebrate how they L-O-V-E themselves. Chocolate, flowers and a heart-shaped pizza at a bowling alley? Fan love of live hockey, Olympics viewing or homage to a great artist, musician or film director? Why not? Lovers celebration: Whether a celebration big, small or at all, I highly recommend recognizing intimacy in our lives on all its levels. One post-V-Day report at the office, the others fawned over my gift account because my honeyface had actually heard an off-the-cuff comment I’d made about needing to replace a mundane item, and did so with a luxury version. Both genders gave props to my sweetie not for his shopping acumen but the real element of surprise — listening! Intimacy is about the seemingly small attentions we pay each other and ourselves.

However you choose to celebrate V-Day, make sure you include really celebrating the love of your self. Extra credit and…cin cin to amore, liebe, любовь, love!

BadWitch’s Love Potion #1

2 oz Acai berry juice (this great antioxidant’s taste described as a cross between red wine and chocolate)

2 oz Three Olives Chocolate Vodka

Splash of Cointreau

Shake vigorously. Strain. Garnish with a raspberry.

Oh yeah, baby. Repeat.

“Love is something that’s built on a solid foundation of just gratification of mutual understanding throughout the years.” – Larry Flynt on love

Love, You,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · love · relationships · sex · spirituality · wellness
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

Hook ups: Addiction, Dangerous or Just Fun?

December 3, 2009 · 2 Comments

Hook ups can be fun, they can be dangerous…which may be partially why some people find them fun. Either way, when they cross the line into addiction or abuse (of the self or done to you), they become a cry for help.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I am worried about one of my best girlfriends. We’ve known each other since grade school and she’s changing now. I’m really worried about her recent if-y hook ups. She seems addicted to them! I’m just worried about her safety, and do you think I should talk to her about this?  — Saftey Monitor

==

Dear Safety Monitor,

Whether CL’s Casual Encounters, print personals, or at a random bar, if-y hook ups have been around since…Darwin’s days. Maybe it is all good for your friend and you’re right to be concerned for her safety. So I say heartily, Yes!, talk to her about it if you are genuinely concerned for her wellbeing and not just judging her. Stay on message. Here are some items you might consider talking to her about if her safety is what you’re truly concerned with:

- STDs and STIs like HPV

- Weirdos (stalker, dangerous harassing types)

- Assholes (abusers)

Now that the safety basics are out of the way, and this may or may not speak to your concern about “addiction” — I’m concerned when you say “she’s changing.” If this is a very sudden behavioral shift in an otherwise even individual, it’s possible she may have suffered a triggering traumatic event(s) and is acting out to express her feelings. A woman and I have been discussing the date rape subject recently, so that alarm bell is sounding off for me. Keep in mind your friend may not even consider it “rape” for a variety of reasons, and that it’s only one type of possible trauma. Trauma and abuse are complex things. It breaks my heart to hear girls and women say things like “…abusive relationships everyone has them,” or “I never thought someone like him would pay attention to me,” or “I didn’t realize that was abusive.” Hey, dolls (and lesser talked about, guys), long lasting relationships are work, but whether there, in dating or straight up hook ups, love should not hurt in the literal (physical or foundationally emotional) way. If it does, it’s very likely abusive in some way shape or form. If you or your friend don’t know or can’t tell if someone is abusive, check out the links I’ve provided here. In the end, you might find your friend’s if-y hook ups are just her choice whether you like it or not — better than someone else’s agenda forced on her to blackmail her for attention, affection or even love, which is what most abused people really want and need. Ladies, please please please value yourselves no matter what the relationships you enter look like on the surface.

Props for your responsibility and care for your friend. While many people actually do find hook ups fun and/or “a stage,” they can also become an addiction and sexual addiction is a very complex arena, which requires professional help for proper diagnosis, guidance to a positive outcome.

Safety first,

BW

==

Dear Safety Monitor,

Well, to properly answer this question, I feel like I need to know what you mean by “if-y” hook ups. I mean, is she picking up stray men on the street? Bar hook up one night stands? Not having safe sex?

I’m going to assume that if-y or not, this girl understands that having a bag full of condoms can allow her to hook up another day. If she is not having safe sex, give her the truth—blunt, straight up. HIV is not the only issue of unprotected sex. Genital warts, pre-cancerous cells that never leaves your body, just lie dormant waiting — available now through unprotected sex. New studies coming out regarding HIV now show that, yes, the cocktail works, HIV is not necessarily a death sentence—except the survivors are aging at an accelerated rate. So alzheimers, heart attacks, all the fun of aging can be yours now — also through unprotected sex. Yell, scream, take her to buy condoms, but make sure she’s not THAT stupid for a hook up.

Now, if she’s picking up stray guys on the street or in bars, as seems to be a 20-something right of passage for many, and you think she’s addicted to these hook-ups, there is a deeper question at work. Your friend may be experimenting or she may be experiencing grief or sadness and expecting some guy to prove to her she’s worthy because he’s chosen her. This is dangerous in a number of ways. First, physical safety, be sure you know where she is. Tell her to take a pic of the guy she’s grooving off with and text to you or some other friend. The guy who won’t let her take a pic, she should cross off her pick up list—no matter how hot. Think no pic, vampire, pick another. We are talking guys, another if-y hook up could be 3-5 minutes away.

The deeper issue is that your friend is running herself down to herself. If she is experimenting, she should be careful there are no lasting scars — on her spirit. The energy of being chosen can be heady and make you feel special — the energy of being left in the morning, in the middle of the night — not so special. Those rejection scars do not heal easily. Help her feel better about herself and who she deserves to be with. She may be settling because she does not believe she’s worthy. Be a friend and help her see the amazing treasure she is. In short, the yoni is sacred and every time you give it away with less care than you would a handshake, you scar yourself. Besides, it’s way more satisfying to make them wait and work for it. That is when you really feel chosen and special. Help her love herself enough not to hook up.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · health · life · relationships · self-improvement · sex · wellness
Tagged: , , , , , ,

You’re Too Sexy for Your Age…Right!, Said Fred

November 16, 2009 · Leave a Comment

miley.cyrus.redcarpet Milley_Cyrus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With incessant technology, media image overload and growing up too early against extended longevity comes a new coming of age question: how do I dress in style and age appropriately? Peer pressure and unrealistic, glammed up media body images flashing 24/7 can confuse even an adult mind as to what’s hot and what’s not – how’s a teenager to know what’s too sexy too young? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Sup! I have this cute amazing !!!new !!! dress I love and I wore it to school. Then I come home and my mother and her gfs are chillan. Her friend goes, “I would get killed if I wore that to school at 16!” but it’s totally in style. WTF?!!!   — Hot & Sweet Chica

==

Dear Sweet Chica,

Well, there are a couple of seemingly opposite statements I need to make. The first is that style and appropriateness are two different things. The second is, why do parents forget that we too wanted to look like we were 22 when we were 16. This is not new or news. This is the age old question of what style is the appropriate style when you’re in between. (Think Britney, “Not a girl, not yet a woman.”

I understand that teenagers tend to wear what looks like club wear to school, because school is the biggest outlet for expressing you and your style—and hotness at school can determine social status. I get the whole pic—I too was a teenager once. However, despite the skin tight mini-dresses worn by 90210 “teens,” this is not actually the most appropriate attire for school. Once in a while, pulling out the SUPER HOT wear makes sense. People take notice. Save the good stuff for the parties. The one thing you don’t want to get labeled is hot to trot—and guys base those labels on how you look as much, if not more than what you do.

That being said, you’re 16! Of course, you want to look hot. Even Miley Cyrus is coming under fire for being a normal 16 year old who wants to look and act older than she is. Because older is cooler at 16! I would say, just be sure that in your race to look hot, you don’t present yourself as a girl who thinks her looks are her worth. Looks make up a VERY small part of your overall worth as a human being. Looking sexy does not define who you are or how sexy you are. For instance, Angelina Jolie is usually seen in leather and jeans. She is incredibly sexy, pretty much an icon of sexy. She does not wear super short dresses. People go nuts when she wears strapless even though the dress is super full and long. Why? Because SHE is the sexy beast they all want to know and get next to. Because she is undeniably herself, loves herself and, more importantly, respects herself FIRST. That confidence is the ultimate sexy, beyond short dresses or skin tight wear.

So that is my long winded way of saying, you be you. Dress in what makes YOU feel comfortable. Dress for you—not for the intended effect on others. Go ahead and work the sexy look from time to time, but remember, sexy is from the inside out. Beyond style, nothing says sexy like a self-loving, expressive, confident woman. And that looks great on any age!

GoodWitch

==

Dear Hot & Sweet Chica,

OMG we are soo fashion sistahs from another designer mama!! Long ago, in a lingerie department far, far away, I was solo shopping for basic bras when this dried up old lady quite loudly said to her wise glowing friend who kept trying to shush her, “I would never have been allowed to wear something like that when I was 16!” Hey, Crumble Cake Spice, I’m 21. I’m just one of those objects that looks sweeter in the Don’t Project Your (Bam!) Issues on Me mirror, lady.

I don’t know if you or your mom should be more upset here. After all you’re not 21, it’s her house and her final word you really must respect, so follow her rules and…roll up your skirts half as high as your instinct to, Georgia O’Keefe – I’m sayin’ being wise not just smart is always in style, Ms. Thang. Having said that, if I were she, that concerned but big-mouth girlfriend would’ve gotten an earful on not telling me how to parent. But since you asked for our opinion, my first concern for all daughters out there is on how her early, blossoming psycho-emotional and self-worth development look, because if they’re kapow! big and bouncy then I’m likely to have half as much to worry about (or at least “tweak” – what with Photoshopped misleading media images and peer pressure often working against an impressionable psyche’s best interest) around her dressing in style but age-appropriately for her brainy, slammin’ body (that I also want her to learn to healthily love, embrace and (gulp!) enjoy on her own terms, no one else’s).

And, girl yes I know !!!NEW!!! is always fun…but then it becomes neither amazingly quickly. It’s eternal good taste to develop (start now, take years) a true personal style that reflects and expresses your happiness and ease in your own skin-purpose-joy. My effin brilliant mom advised teenage-BadWitch to do “all that over-the-top fashion crap now when you’re young and no one will think you’re crazy, as opposed to when you’re older and they think you’re pathetic” — or inappropriately projecting all snappy dragon lady style – so of course I always represented my self…just like we all do, darlin’.

Put the long “U” in sexy styling,

BW

==

Images, VH1 red carpet; Annie Lebovitz Vanity Fair shoot

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · happiness · life · media · self-improvement · sex · spirituality · wellness
Tagged: , , , , ,

Sparks! And Happy, Lasting relationships…?

October 29, 2009 · 4 Comments

carkissingCan you keep the red hot flame, or at least a warm fuzzy glow going in your lasting relationship? Is happy possible in long lasting relationships, even if kids are in the mix? What’s the secret ingredient?  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — What’s the secret to a lasting relationship? — Married with Children

==

Dear Married with Children,

That’s an easy one! Right up there with What is the meaning of life?, and What is love? While there might not be one formula because there are so many kinds of “success” when it comes to relationships, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops about the best long-term and flowing/non-rigid ones I’ve witnessed.

#1) Be truthful, be open, be kind – don’t rewind. Staying present in all its aspects is primary to attracting and maintaining strong relationships. #2) It’s important to realize that relationships are cyclical and that wonderful “hot burn” up front doesn’t last as such, nor was the brain designed to sustain it, so this is an evolutionary design, not a flaw of your relationship’s. If you’re lucky, the relationship will go longer so it can go deeper and more meaningful. #3) You don’t have to work hard at relationships – real relationships are work! If yours is totally easy peasy breezy — you’ve got a fling, not a lasting partnership. If you get to go longer and deeper, you will inevitably work through the up and down times, the hard and easy cycles, and the hots and cold of long lasting relationships.

Think of your lasting relationship like your Dream Car you finally were able to attain. Once you buy it, admire it on the driveway, lovingly caress it as you roll down the highway, then comes the maintenance and the everyday, mundane upkeep of any normal, gulp!, average car — then comes that work I was yapping about. Oi. Do it, don’t avoid it. Just as you wouldn’t drive your car into the ground, no gas, no oil, neglect basic maintenance and never wash it until cancerous rust popped up, then wonder why one day, it’s dead on the side of the road, you must do basic (preferably loving) maintenance on your lasting relationship.

Tips for more carefree relationship Oil & Lubes:

• touch each other! Hand holding is touching, too

• better bring (and keep) a sense of humor to the party yikes

• listen to what your partner is really saying and needs; if it’s not verbalized, ask

• don’t confuse your financial or other worldly concerns/woes with your relationship itself

• pick your battles; go green by conserving your energy for the important stuff

• be on each others’ side — a winning team

• don’t put others first (or between you) — even your kids!

• the time you spend apart is as important as the time you spend together. Make sure you keep yourself alive and engaged to remain a fully juicy individual. You’ll bring more to your lasting relationship together.

Most of all: have fun! Be friends. Relationships can keep us happy and alive if we remember how to make play of such important work.

Lotsa love from a lifer,

BW

==

Dear Married with Children,

The secret to long-lasting relationship? Patience, patience with a good sense of humor, some compassion and more patience.

I may not be the best person to answer this question, as a happily unmarried divorcée, but I can share what I’ve learned through my journey. For instance, no matter what the to-do list, kids, cars, work, home, family and friends need, make the time in your schedules for regular dates. That’s right, dinners out, a walk in the park or maybe even a movie. The truth is it doesn’t matter if you just go to the café down the street, the point is to get just you two out of the house to talk and connect.

This time is invaluable. It gives you the chance to connect with each other on a regular basis away from “you need to do,” statements. It is the chance to let your spirits realign. To set shared goals and dreams. The point is, if you don’t make the time to connect, you may find that you no longer have anything to talk about but the to do lists. And that is the prelude to relationship disaster.

If money is an issue, start a babysitting co-op with friends. I have a group of friends who take turns watching each other’s kids every Friday, which means 3 out of 4 Fridays is date night—no extra babysitting costs, just date night.

Keeping a relationship strong is about putting time into the relationship. Making an effort to accept your partner as they are—from funky socks in the middle of the floor to that one shirt you’d rather burn than ever see them wear again.  Give love more than criticism. Give an ear, a real ear and listen to what your mate has to say. Really celebrate the good times and be that warm cozy hug when things don’t quite work out the way everyone wanted. It’s not about being Buddah. It’s about being as communicative and supportive as you would with your best friend (ladies) and courting your mate even after 10 years, like you didn’t know if you’d get a second or third date (guys).

BTW, did I mention patience? Oh yeah, and good old-fashioned sex, can only help keep the fires burning. But maybe borrow the Karma Sutra from the library and see if there isn’t something new you can try on.  Meet halfway…

Happy Trails!

GoodWitch

==

Image @ hubpages.com

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · happiness · life · love · relationships · sex · spirituality · wellness
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

Betrayal!, And Other Tails of Butt Dialing

October 8, 2009 · 1 Comment

ButtDialing1It’s one thing to get talked about behind your back, but when you overhear someone else’s butt doing the talking…betrayal! The hurt of the monogamous. Cells, lies, and accidental butt dialing.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — The other day my phone rang and I overheard my boyfriend who accidentally called me, and who just the night before asked us to be a monogamous couple, hitting on some other woman. Obviously he’s an asshole. But I want to know, do I keep this asshole but not be monogamous with him, or just dump him? — Dial “M” for My Bad!-Booty Call

==

Dear Bootified,

Finally!, I dried the tears enough to see to reply. Thanks for this very legitimate…and visual…question. Awesome.

Honey, sounds to me like you two are well-suited as neither of you really seems ready (and probably not willing) to do the work a monogamous relationship requires (alert: don’t be one of those misguided people who seem to think an “exclusive” relationship is more ideal or easier than the “work” of dating — committed relationships (of any kind) are always a never-ending mutual work in progress). So what’s wrong with that? Why rush into something neither of you seems to actually be ready for? Are you two getting pressure from family, friends or your culture(s), or is it an age-related anxiety thing? Do what’s right for you. Just realize that all dating relationships don’t need to be monogamous — as long as both parties are on the same page (and at the same time!) — to be helpful to your personal growth or end up in marriage or other exclusive arrangement. To my personal view, successful relationship choices and behavior are all about age and stage appropriateness, against a backdrop of consistent truthfulness.

…Which brings me to the other aspect of your question: you both sound like you could stand to work on your truth and honesty skills. They’re not the same thing, but they both hold much value towards truly open and healthy relationships. Be truthful with yourselves about what you each want from your relationship, talk about that/those honestly together, then come to a more informed and reliable decision and set boundaries you both will commit to to support it. Do this right up front, and again as the relationship evolves and needs of one or both of you changes. This one, right now, sounds like a “don’t be monogamous” and you can avoid actual betrayal. Get out there and learn your personal boundaries by openly exploring your options. Be real! Have better relationships!

End call,

BW

==

Dear MissDialed,

Really? You are thinking about keeping the guy who says he wants a monogamous relationship and then butt dials you just in time to hear him hitting on someone else? Listen, clearly karma, the Universe, your angels—you choose the name, but someone is watching out for you. Butt dialing is an accident. And that the timing on this accident busted this cheating, self-absorbed liar the day after he pleads “love and only you”…miraculous. Take the pass and get out of jail FREE!

Now here’s something funny. I can almost hear you saying, “Self-absorbed? You don’t know him?” But let me be clear, anyone willing to pledge love, commitment and monogamy one night and break that oath the very next day, is clearly full of himself and an entitled, self-absorbed spoiled brat who is thinking about no one but himself. Your feelings were not on his mind when the Universe butt dialed you.

Now, whether to keep him as a side fling or drop him all together is really more of a question of how much do you like and care about yourself. This guy has lied to you, clearly attempted to cheat on you. Do you think that makes him spongeworthy (Sponge clip)? I don’t care what he looks like or does for a living or who his friends are—self-respect dictates you decide at this juncture—who is worth more: him or you?

If he is willing to cheat on you THE DAY AFTER proposing a monogamous relationship, do you think he will always do what is best for you? Is this someone who will put your needs first, as is sometimes necessary in relationship? Is this someone you can trust and rely on to never sleep with another without protection? Do not stoop to his level, for your own mental well-being or for your health’s sake. If he is willing to make a big show about being monogamous to you and the next day make a play for another woman—kick his sorry, butt dialing ass to the curb. He does not deserve you. And you deserve much better.

Remember, it’s easy to find a fling. Not so easy to recover self-respect once you’ve tossed it away.

Love thyself!

GoodWitch

==

Image: abcnews.com

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · life · love · relationships · self-improvement · sex
Tagged: , , , , , , ,

Welcome to Cougar Ville. Cub-son Disses “Pride.” Rrrrrrarrw!

September 3, 2009 · 4 Comments

WinkingCougaCougars are hot nowadays. Is this social acceptance of older women and younger men liberating, sexually empowering, or just plain…embarrassing? Sometimes a cubby son is going to be torn between mortification and pride. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Help! I think my mom is a Cougar! I guess I don’t know whether I’m proud or embarrassed. If she was a friend’s mom I’d think she was hot, but she’s MY MOM. WTF? I’m a normal healthy 20 year old guy, my mom’s 47, but when I come home from school my friends come right over to hang out but I think they really want to see my mom not me! This is the first time I’m worried about going back to school and leaving my mom alone with my trolling friends here at home! — Not a ‘Real Housewives’ Fan

==

Dear Cubby,

Not sure who it is you don’t trust most of all here…Also, this sounds like your one-sided projection. Is moms even into younger guys? No offense, but if I had kids to send off to college, I wouldn’t be looking to replace them with their peers — freedom! — but then again I only ever liked guys right around my own age. However, if she does like ‘em young, maybe this was the age she felt most sexually powerful and fun. Or maybe she only wants NSA not a LTR right now. Then again, love knows no bounds. In other words, who’s to say? To each her own. …Regardless, you are worried, aren’t you? You’re sweet, dumpling. So then pack the dorm room computer and coffeemaker, and schedule an exit interview with your Cougar, uh I mean mom.

WARNING: You will have to recognize and tolerate that your mother is still a vital and sexual creature, like some other humans you know. Don’t try to guilt her with your own worry. Instead, tell her something like this, “Mom, now that you’ve been around the block a couple times, I’m having a sex talk with you! HAHA. Seriously, can we chat? I’m happy you’re ready for dating, but want to make sure you’re dating smart. Got their backs but some of my friends’ friends are fools. You don’t have to defend anything to me. Just help me feel better about leaving you alone. I’m the man of the house now and…I’m leaving you. Mom.” Can you see some of the complexities you both might be experiencing in this situation, Cubster? You’re not crazy you’re both just transitioning. Update your views of each other (and yourselves within your dynamic).

You sound like a solid guy, in tune with people, and concerned with love for your mom. She did a great job — now trust that she knows how to and let that go…even if it turns out you might have to help remind her how to “raise herself” now. Parents these days!

Animal lover,

BW

==

Dear ‘Not into Housewives’,

Well, I can understand that it’s hard to imagine your mother as a sexual being, but I hardly think you want to turn her into a Carmelite nun…do you? Is it her fault that your friends are trolling? I think that is outside of her realm of control. Unless you want her to be rude to your friends or bar them from the house, what can she do?

My answer is to talk to your friends about how uncomfortable it is for you that they are hitting on your mom. Look, you are lucky enough to have a young, vibrant mom. Would you rather some old, decrepit lady for a mom who spends all her time complaining about arthritis? I don’t think so.

At some point, children have to grow up and expect the best for themselves and their parents. If your mom is a beautiful, hot mom, why hate on her for it. Enjoy the side benefits of having a young, fresh and current mom. The flip side is some stuck in the mud, cookie baking woman stuck in some out-dated ways of being. Though this may be appealing for a moment, the evolved person would want the best for their mom. If she is a beautiful, young-appealing Cougar, all I can say is good for her.

If, however, your mom is acting in an inappropriate manner with your friends, like hitting on them, then it’s time for a sit down conversation with her. Chances are she’s just flirting a little because she is enjoying the attention. Maybe you can help her target some ways to meet more appropriate dating partners so she can get that appreciation from elsewhere.

Your mom is just living her life. Give her a break. I doubt you will want someone asking you to curb who you are because girls are interested in you. The only issue would be actually carrying through with inappropriate intentions. If she’s just living her life and is a sexy, attractive woman, imagine living with the alternative. Not as much fun. Appreciate who she is. Appreciate that she is young and vibrant. Tell your friends to have some respect and move on with your life. And, let your mom move on with hers.

Welcome to life as an adult child. Acceptance will get you farther than out-dated judgments of how she should be more like June Cleaver. Remember, most women who tried to be like June Cleaver in real life ended up on Valium or drinking in the closet. Have you watched MadMen?

Congratulations on having a hot mom,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · family · life · love · relationships · self-improvement · sex
Tagged: , , , ,

Navigating Online Dating: Buckle Up, It’s the Law

August 13, 2009 · 2 Comments

As if dating weren’t complicated enough. Al Gore went and invented the Information Super Highway. Observing the rules of that road safely and sanely.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m a fun but serious 30 and have been having a relationship with a guy, 30, I met online. We get along great. He reminds me of my ex- I’m still good friends with. He wants to take it RL. We’ve been chatting at this free dating site for about 4 weeks now (seem long? short?), no red flags have gone up for me. Turns out we live about an hour away – is this safely far or crazy close?  — Heard But Not Seen

==

Dear Heard But Not Seen,

Well, the close proximity has both the positive and negatives. If he is a ripe pick for partnership, the closeness will be great for the fruition of the relationship. However, at this stage there is no way to know if that is the case.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where predators use Craigslist and internet dating as their shopping store for victims. Sadly these are not just news stories. I, personally, know a woman who was horribly abused by two men—her seemingly perfect internet date and his brother—on the night they met in person. Now, I’m not saying this to scare you because the other side is that many, many people find love online. The point is to tell you, take a chance, but be safe.

Do not meet your date alone. You can have friends shadow you from a nearby table where they can oversee the date or repeatedly text a friend giving her tabs on your whereabouts. Never go back to his place or invite him to your place on the first date. Of course, that’s a good rule for a number of reasons, but with internet dating, it’s a safety thing. The other thing, meet your date at a public location. Do not let this strange person you only know from words on a screen pick you up at your house. He does not need to know where you live until you’ve been dating for a while.

Truly, I have known more people who have found love online than the one troubling incident. But that does not mean you should gamble with your own well-being. Ask for assistance from friends. Ask questions that require some details from your date. In fact, ask some questions that you can verify from your email correspondence. This will at least allow you to check out his story. Let’s face it, he may not be a predator, but you do want to check out that he is who he says he is. And, with luck, when his stories match up and after one or two supervised dates, you’ll discover someone that really is a match. Just remember, if he’s date worthy, he should be your friend first. Then what blooms—delicious.

Happy Dating,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Heard but not Seen,

I wanna go, “Ooh what fun! Yummy, yeah!” but…#1 I am totally and completely a big city gal. Bright lights, smell of urine-soaked sidewalks in the morning, and the rest, born and bred. Safety first. Next, and I’m not trying to be snarky but have found “common” sense, ehh, not so much out there… Having said that, you have to #2 use your common sense about your safety especially around the fun and social events in life! The biggest and reddest flag for me here is that you are on a free dating site chatting with this guy for a month (and I even know two couples who got married meeting online…) — which make this relationship seem long to me. What’s the (coffee at least) hold up? For me personally, if I’m paying for it, I am much more likely to be serious and tend toward truthfulness while still safeguarding my safety. Lastly from the Warnings From Yo Mama Dept., as you guys have already shared you’re an hour apart, meet somewhere in the middle and keep it there in the beginning.

Now, the fun parts. I am totally about getting you out there and meeting good people. In order to do that, you will have to meet a couple of crappy ones, for sure, but mostly you are going to attract to you what you put out there about and from yourself. Put out good, smart, fun and not desperate energy. Ladies!, value yourselves, you are priceless! A solid guy will actually want to work to deserve you. I mean this for any dating stage of life you’re in — not just commitment or marriage only, puh-lease. Would you send your little sister on a date with this guy?-test him.

Have cab fare on you, or whatever your backdoor equivalent is. Meet in a public place in the daytime for coffee not a whole meal. Those Dutch know what’s up; pay for yourself, don’t owe him anything. Get his full real name, take his contact info, don’t give your home or work info — but most of all, have fun! Dating for me wasn’t hard and I flirt the way many people dance: badly, so not too many words from me on those, but safety is always on my mind, as you can tell.

Oh, girl. Now you went and made me sound like your mother. Aside from fun and  healthy relationships, I just want you safe to read my blog another day.

Have sane fun!

BW

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · life · love · relationships · sex
Tagged: , , , ,

Channeling Justin Timberlake

June 11, 2009 · 1 Comment

Justin-discoballwichOut of the dating scene always and forever, ya old fart? Wanna bring it but got a date with a feather duster ahead of you, first? What to do?, Speed Dating, online personals, blind dates with people who are “interesting” and full of “good personality” by well-meaning idiot friends? Put the quotes around that. Then, let’s get down to the getting you back out on a date business.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW — I just came out of a very long-term relationship and am equally nervous to and want to jump back into the dating scene. My question is simple after all these years with one person, comfortably settled and seeing each other pee, and out of the dating world: How do I bring my sexy back?   — Wanna Channel Justin

==

Dear Justin(-e?),

Now, Justin Wannabe Lovahbe, why are you going to make a language girl in school do the math (*sigh*)? After all, sexiness is a formula. Oh all right I’ll try. Because maybe you didn’t forget “how” but just forgot to carry The One.

Wanna know how to get your sexy on? (Yeah!) Well then unshackle your innermost Wild Thang from the toilet in the cellar of your psyche, and feed it more than on Sundays. No, I don’t mean your flossiest thong, or bringing that crazy Axe Effect, I mean get your real sexy on. YOU. All the things that you probably just forgot that make you uniquely you when you let your crazy ‘do down and swing those hippy hips around the room. All the way around. Bouncing off the walls of your heart and sub-woofer-thumping the windows of your soul-way around. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, or somewhere in between, a man or a woman — if you aren’t in touch with what makes you so crazee about yourself, in yourself…then the extremest makeover in the world ain’t gonna help you suddenly Be Sexy.

Sex has something but not everything to do with sexy. Sensuality + smarts + humor + passion/engagement (about…anything!), and for me, + honesty…all = “sexy.” You’ve got scars, you’ve had a good Buddha belly laugh. The best part of dating when you’re older than you were the first time you did it is different — not dashed! — different expectations. Thank Dawg! Speaking strictly in stereotypes here, you don’t just want to hit it and run, or push that stubborn able body down the aisle. And maybe now — finally! — you’re ready for your own damn jelly. And how about this for something different? Just have fun. (Um, don’t forget that good grooming and hygiene are un-debatable classics.) …Then…

Take ‘em to the bridge!

BW

==

Dear Wanna Channel Justin,

Ah, the warm, cozy comforts of sharing everything—from carbon emissions to quirky habits and personal hygiene. Well, let’s put those “I know you so well” moments to the side. You wanna get your sexy back? Remember, an air of mystery is the ultimate sexy.

We all remember, toss  the hair with a side of come hither glance. But some of us “newly single” may not remember the sex appeal of the exploration process. Don’t start your dates with your check off list of must haves. Real connection comes through real communication. Laughing at each other’s jokes (when you mean it, not that fake suck-up laugh), naturally finding common interests, points of view and goals…that’s the good stuff.

Wanna get your sexy back? Be you without the TMI. Don’t rush for the finish line at the altar. Take each new dating experience as it is. You have the chance to make new friends, find out how others in the other half live and, eventually when you’re ready, someone you may want to share those TMI moments with.

Just remember, you are sexy because you are you and NO ONE does it like you do. Rock your assets. Fashionably conceal that which is reserved for more intimate moments and conversations. Take some time to dance around your living room alone, preferably with a glass of champagne. Find your inner sexy. It’s right there next to the to-do list and the laundry pile. It’s called Play. Kids need it. Adults need it. Sexy, requires it.

Let loose and have some fun,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · happiness · life · relationships · sex
Tagged: , , , ,

The Wandering…Dating…Tribesman…

May 29, 2009 · 2 Comments

assorted.dates.chartDo you believe in True Love? Or, like my assorted dates chart (left), that there are many special ones out there for everyone?    — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – My parents divorced when I was 12 and I spent time with both of them equally. They were great parents, and my dad remarried almost right away. My mom had some good boyfriends, and  a few not so great relationships with men who treated her like she was invisible (but not abusive). She remarried once when I was a late teen, but that only lasted a year. Now I’m 32. As a result, I feel like I’m repeating her pattern of just ok boyfriends. No one special. How does anyone know who’s really right for them? Do you believe in “true love”? I don’t want to die alone but I don’t want to just settle either.   – Wandering Dater

==

Dear Wander,

All your wandering gets me wondering if you believe in true love —  with yourself? I do! I believe in you, and wish you some clarity to reunite with your full worth. When you do, you will find that special someone you’re seeking – your self. Meanwhile, and since you asked, I’ll share what I believe about love toward explaining my advice to you.

I believe in true love and that there are many Mr/Ms Rights for everyone. No, I’m not polyamorous, rather, I believe that we travel and learn in soul groups, and that if we’re paying attention, a Soul Mate pops into our lives. Soul Mates are not necessarily romantic, that’s just a romantic notion/balm our society marketed to appeal to/soothe our solitary condition. Finally, I believe that it is in our relationships with and through different people (who are often like us, so we attract them, and if you don’t like who you attract, stop blaming and start being the change you want to see and live) that we most learn about our True Love, our selves.

Some people are meant to be alone – which is different from “lonely.” Some people are meant to learn and live with someone else. Just because your dad remarried quickly (and sounds like still) doesn’t mean he’s not alone or…lonely. Don’t carry the burden of the invisibility your mother allowed for in her own life, it doesn’t have to be your burden or lesson to work through (but if it is, do so! But please!, don’t blame her for your own lackluster dating choices, either way). Yours sounds more like giving yourself permission to spend some quality time by yourself to figure out what you like/don’t like, what you will stand up/lie down for, and what makes you burn with desire and passion and truly BREATHE and THRIVE in your own skin. And this quality time may take days, years or even decades. Then, as Murphy’s Law dictates, when you are least looking, that’s when the Right Person will show up “magically”!

The “truest” relationships are partnerships of all kinds (and get over it!, “equal” is another myth; a relationship is always going to be 60-40 or 70-30 cyclically as the relationship’s circumstances needs, and good partners (even if it’s “just” us alone) instinctively know and allow for this natural function of flow). We humans are made to relate. We humans are made to be interdependent.

True love to rejoining your soul, mate!

BW

==

Dear Wandering Dater,

Overcoming some of the less than helpful lessons we learn from our parents can take a lifetime. We all have issues we’ve picked up from our parents, whether questionable dating strategies, persistent worrying or even abusive tendencies. Reclaiming our own methods for dealing with life’s issues requires a conscious habit of re-writing old family habitual responses. In other words, every time you look at someone and decide “he’ll do because I don’t want to be alone,” STOP. Rethink it. Question your motives, “am I into this person or am I settling?” The answer will be clear.

My mother used to say, “I don’t need someone else to take me backwards. If I want that I can do it for myself.” What did she mean? She meant if you are with someone who does not help you move forward in life, why date him? There are lots of opportunities to be with people who can chip away at your self-esteem or keep you from achieving your goals. Quite often, settling for someone can cause more harm than good. Yes, you’ll be able to say you are in a relationship, but if that relationship is making you less than your full, glorious self, is it worth it?

Remember, the role of your life partner should be played by your best friend. This is the person you will be intimate with on a number of levels. You will allow them into your emotional life, your home and your bed. That person should have the utmost respect for you and be able to show you that love and respect without provocation. You will know when you meet that person because the connection will move beyond the physical to the mental emotional realm. Is conversation easy? Are you truly yourself in your interactions or do you feel like you have to change who you are to be comfortable with them? Remember, in relationships comfort is king!

Although, I will say, if you are judging “settling” completely on physical appearance, get over it. Looks fade, whether through age or bad attitude. Have you ever seen someone who looked great until they started speaking? The lack of connection or bad attitude will make them appear less attractive. And, conversely, if you know someone who may not be a supermodel, but has a great attitude and is a wonderful person to be around, they will start looking better and better.

Basically, I’m suggesting taking the time to really weigh how you are feeling before you jump into a relationship. Give yourself time to check them out and check out how you feel about them. Lasting relationships have a core of deep abiding friendship. Go for the gold. If you believe you deserve the gold standard relationship and act accordingly, your gold standard relationship will happen for you. Start off by writing out a list of must haves for a partner. Remind yourself often of why you deserve that relationship. Because you do. After all, they get you—why should you settle?

Wishing you peace on the journey,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · life · love · relationships · sex
Tagged: , , ,

Kids to Parents: Why Ask Why??

April 16, 2009 · 2 Comments

mom.daughter.chatS-E-X. Made you look. Now let’s get you talking. To your kids, that is. Kids expect their parents to know everything…until they come of a certain age and then it’s, “OMG, moommm!, daaaddd! Don’t you know anything?” The blessings of parenthood are numerous, but so too its own questions. Last week, the world heard an American 13-year old girl on Oprah say, “Oral sex is the new good night kiss!” Translation: Parents, time to get past When they’re Ready, Set, and get onto “Go!” — BadWitch

READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Dear GW/BW – I have a ton a questions to ask for example: If we as parents say the sky is blue, how come our children respond, “No it’s green!”? At what age is it a good time to talk to your kids about sex? — Parental Oracle Long Island, NY

==

Dear Parental Oracle,

Oh, those darn kids! Well, as a single mom of two daughters, I get this “I know more than you,” syndrome—regularly. Why, just this morning my 9 year old attempted to correct my count of the number of pairs of shoes littering the living room. I said 4. She countered, “It’s only 3.” I placed the last pair (#4) at her feet and asked why she thought it was a good idea to push my buttons instead of doing what I asked.

It’s testing boundaries and it’s also the smarmy nature of kids to believe parents are out of touch, embarrassing, know-nothings. It’s OK. It means they are developing appropriately, as frustrating as it is. Surely you remember thinking your own parents were out of touch, embarrassing know-nothings. Keep a sense of humor. You’ll need it.

I usually make jokes about the smarminess. Though this morning all I could say was, “I have no sense of humor right now. Don’t push your luck.” Boundary pushing ceased moments later. I have found, however, that most times, my kids just want to know they are in some control of their lives—that they can be the one with the right answer. The more we joke about each of our human foibles, “accidents happen” kind of laugh at ourselves, the less they seem to need to play the smarmy role.

In the case of “The Talk,” early information (age appropriately, of course) is better. My parents shielded me from ANY real knowledge about sex. I heard that I could get breast cancer from a boy kissing my boobies. No lie. So, I learned on my own (unwise) and was an easy target for predators. Teach your kids now so other people can’t convince them they have their best interest at heart and then take advantage of them in ways that will affect them for YEARS.

My six year old knows that a Mom & Dad in love can make babies when the Dad adds his seed to Mom’s eggs in her belly. None of this has anything to do with mechanics, but even at 6 my child knows there is no stork. Thank you. I tell them when my “Moon” read monthly, starts (one bathroom, 3 people). This includes explanations of the eggs in the belly and that means I could still have a baby if I wanted to. My 9 years old is very mature for her age (acts and looks about 11). So she knows the mechanics. She’s seen the equipment in normal everyday life (no drama) since she was a baby (Dad’s & mine). Now she knows how they work together.

It’s all about age appropriate conversation. Sometimes I make comments referring to a movie about why a character should date this boy over another. The bottom line for both questions is, I want them to know they do know. I want them to feel in control and like they can speak up for themselves—who they are, what they think and how they feel. Sometimes they’re smarmy, but for girls who know themselves and know how to stick up for themselves…it’s worth it!

Keeping it real,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Shaper of the Future,

I’m jumping past the green sky (they’re learning and testing limits of all kinds, right? Yours, theirs, your patience as well as how you respond?) age/stage of life question right to the…

…The sex talk part. The biggest mistake parents can make is to turn this into a huge, marquee headlining Sex Talk. The Talk. That’s too much weight for one conversation. Of any kind! Instead, I’m a huge proponent of talking early, often and in (to age appropriateness) depth about sex and all things bodily with kids. Educating kids about the facts of sex is not the same as giving them permission to have sex. It is educating them, arming them to make informed and empowered decisions when the time(s) come (and you’re not around). That is walking your talk to illustrate how your kids can actually “talk to you about anything”…which in so many cases, parents, I’m with your kids who say, Yeah right!

How we talk about sex with our kids is how we feel and talk about sex ourselves. Teen pregnancy and STD rates tell a story about how we appear to feel as a nation. Growing up my, my traditional but progressively no body-shame parents introduced my siblings and I (at ages 3-6) seamlessly and naturally to the differences between men’s and women’s bodies by having small, everyday conversations while walking into the bathroom, relieving themselves while continuing to chat, washing their hands and continuing back out into the fam room. We could see the difference, no need for them to point anything out. Natural. As we got older, we started getting more words attached to appropriate conversations. And we grew up hearing our parents use the proper words for body parts and functions (all of them, not just sexual ones). The schoolyard taught us all the silly, rude and slang idioms. But by then we had proper, grown up-introduced factual context against which we could expand our knowledge, our understanding.

Being from a family of early developers, I first heard about menstruation at age 9, and basic sexual mechanics (Where Do Babies Come From?) chat by 10. Then I could stop thinking about it. The latter wasn’t so scary when I was a year older and friends started giggling about sex. The Love and/vs. Sex talk came around 11 or 12 in our house. …But, gentle reader, we are sooo old. Today’s 9-year old girls are dieting to keep themselves thin and accepted by media images and peer pressure’s standards — and by boys.

So talk to your kids early and often about the naturalness of the body and sex. Visual aids are totally encouraged! Empower and educate with your kids with facts. That is how your girls will be empowered, and your boys will be more respectful – and in both cases, of themselves and others.

Early & often power!

BW

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · family · life · sex · wellness
Tagged: , , , , , , ,