Good Witch / Bad Witch

Entries categorized as ‘happiness’

Couple, Activities-rich or Die Tryin’

March 11, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Whether your relationship is seeking a party, His & Her hiking sticks, or a fellow home body can say a lot about you two.      — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My boyfriend wants us to go out all the time, but I’m happy home with him watching our favorite TV shows off the DVR. Suggestions for compromising please… — Couch Tater

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Dear Couch Tater,

To love someone isn’t always to like them. “Like” includes tangibles like having things in common, stage of life experiences/-ing, and admiring/enjoying someone’s qualities. Liking a person is often about the experiential – you know, bonding. There are sexy, friendly and intellectual activities — a lot depends on the stage your relationship is at.

Non-defensively, ask you b/f why he wants to constantly go out. If it leans more towards boredom — here’s a thought: boring people get bored — then you suggest alternating shared time together with your interests. But if he is trying to bond with you and you equally want to strengthen your relationship, you might have to make more of an effort in two areas: 1) actually getting up off your comfy booty and venturing outside, and/or 2) realizing men and women bond differently, neither wrong. Men “do” and women “talk” but neither in the same ways with the opposite sex as their own.

Here’s an activity to share together: each come up with a list of your own ideas (cooking class/homework, walk then TV; train or spa together; casual games; a romantic drive; fantasize then detail plan a realistic getaway together…) of fun and games, and then compare the two lists. Cross-reference for any commonalities, discuss to consider crossing off deal breaking no-ways, and then see if a theme emerges from the ones left over on your common list. That’s the thing, darlin’, looking for those commonalities.

Common not ordinary time,

BadWitch

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Dear Couch Tater,

Suggestions for compromise? Hello are you having some major time management malfunction? At its simplest form compromise in this situation is staying in one day of the weekend and going out the other. Or, like in my world sharing children, split the week in half and alternate weekends.

Come on, if you are two adults you should be able to work this out. “Honey, I don’ feel like going out tonight. Let’s stay in tonight and go out tomorrow instead.” Or “Baby, the big party night feels like Friday to me. Can we set that as blazin’ crazy night and make Saturday movie night?” Say what you need. Listen to what your partner wants. Write down both lists and agree upon where the middle is. He’ll give up Thursday night beer and poker to hang out around the house with you if you will throw on some makeup and a sexy outfit for Friday night on the town.

If our partner refuses to compromise and curb the party night, well, then you have a different issue. If your partner needs to be alcohol and partying to unwind after a long day, then counseling and support for substance abuse may be in order. However, if the issue really is time management and cooperation, if you can’t figure out how to say no to a night on the town or how to ask for your partner to stay in on occasion, your marriage has much bigger issues.

Listen, I understand preferring to be home, on the couch, in your sweats, under a snuggie. But marriage doesn’t mean you won the war and you don’t have to work so hard anymore. You want to stay happily married? Alternate the night on the couch with sexy surprises that suggest there is more fun at home than out in the world. Other nights, ask “where’s the party?” Grab life by the balls—whether it’s staying in or going out. Being a homebody can be fun. Being a hermit shouldn’t last forever, especially if you expect others to stay as shut-ins with you.

So, figure out where center is. Talk honestly and openly. Compromise. Collaborate and keep it fresh.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · health · life · love · relationships · spirituality · wellness
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Straightening Out Flaming, Gay Friend…Or Not

March 4, 2010 · 3 Comments

Fire! Don’t yell it in a movie theater, but definitely heed the call if your friend is screaming it loudly whenever you two are out. Love your bitches like you wanna be loved.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a friend who I love dearly and unconditionally. The problem is when we go out, he acts even more (stereotypically) gay than he normally is! It can be funny for a while, but then I get embarrassed for him. I don’t know why he needs this kind of attention. — Loud & Proud Friend

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

I’m not sure how to answer this question. I mean, on the one hand, I understand the annoyance of friends who have “party personas” that come out whenever groups of 4 or more gather — especially when alcohol is added. But, I also can’t help but remember Roger, the fabulously gay husband in the remake of The Stepford Wives. Roger’s partner loved Roger’s flamboyant ways until he had the ability to change him into a Brooks Brothers wearing politician.

Are you missing your friend and thoughtful communication when you are out and about or are you looking for a way to shape him into more of your idea of who he should be. Either way, you can’t really control how someone chooses to present themselves to the world. Whether you decide to share your concerns or not, acceptance is key here.

If your “embarrassment” is actually for yourself because in public he seems beyond the boundaries of respectable behavior, say nothing. Then it’s your issue, not his. Your friend’s coming out when going out may be his own flag waving of independence. In which case, again, let it be.  Again, accept. He is who he is. If you are so embarrassed by his behavior, perhaps you should reduce how often you two go out together.

If you honestly believe your friend’s “party persona” is a mask he wears to hide in plain sight, then as his friend, you should have a heart-to-heart conversation. Let him know that you love, appreciate and respect him, however, you’ve noticed his need to over-compensate as the chandelier swinging fun boy when you are out. Let him know there is no need. He’s amazing as he is and has no need for over-compensating. Realize, however, that change doesn’t happen overnight. Also, reminding him of his over acting every time you go out may abruptly end your hang time. Most people do not want to party with their mother.

Either way, you can’t change how another person acts. You can only choose to accept or deny. Even if your friend is working on this “party persona,” realize lasting change takes time. Love and acceptance through the process, builds deep, lasting friendships. And remember, embarrassment is just on the other side of acceptance if you take the effort to make the journey. Watch The Bird Cage again. It will help.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

Not sure for whom “this kind of attention” is a problem for here… Darlin’ ask anyone who knows me daily, I always say about adjustments made in life: The pendulum never swings to the middle. Gay or straight, male or female, young or old, when we’re growing/changing, trying to find ourselves, or trying to feel comfortable showing our truest selves in public — face it, we’re all exactly the same: flawed human cupcakes. This fragility/frailty is just that, human. Even the most comfortable-in-her/his-skin and confident person, at minimum once in her/his life felt like a fake or that s/he had to act out to “come back home.”

Be happy knowing your friend knows he can act (another of those key words) his best and worst around you, and that means he knows he has your acceptance and you have his back. It’s often toughest to tell the ones we love they crazee!, or straight up assholes. Do your friend, yourself and your relationship a favor by letting him know (when he’s not acting out, drunk or otherwise not “himself” as you know him 9 of 10 times) that in your opinion, you think he’s better than he acts/treats himself at these times, and ask him if it’s ok if you poke him in the arm when he does it in real time. But be prepared if he tells you to f-off because he feels fine with  his flaming behavior, or doesn’t know what you’re talking about, etc. Let it go (and I’m taking face value facts at your word here). The girl ain’t ready. There’s one more in-between possibility, maybe that flamer is who he really is, and he’s acting when he’s toning himself down in the every day (ask yourself what does he do for a living, or what does your town look like?). In that case, just tell him with a wink that you’ve got his fire extinguisher — when he calls you for a friend 9-1-1 intervention — but in that instance for gawd’s sake, if you’re a true friend, don’t try to change him because he makes you feel uncomfortable!

LYMI!,

BadWitch

==

Image, Till Krech

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · relationships · self-improvement
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Socializing Co-workers: Peer Pressure

March 1, 2010 · Leave a Comment

You already spend most of your waking life with these people at the office. Now they want you to wh-what?!, hang out with them outside it, too? Is it peer pressure or spirit-scoliosis that’s got you down?    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Too much peer pressure at work. I get invited to geeky events I have no interest in but everyone goes to. How do I get out of things nicely without shooting myself in the foot in case I need their help on the job?  — To Go or Not Go

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Dear To Go or Not to Go,

Well, my first question is, how do you like your co-workers? Do you think they are “geeky” or are they all right people? My guess is not all the events are horrific life-sucking events. Pick your battles.

If you are interested in pursuing this career choice, and a large number of co-workers in your field are interested in these events, this isn’t just socializing. It’s work research. How your co-workers spend their time will affect your product…or the next products down the line. You have the opportunity to get the inside scoop on the interests, research and influences of the people in your profession. If, say, you are in advertising or software production, such influences are a snap shot of trends coming down the line. Does this mean you need to be at each and every event to get the 411. Of course not, again, pick your battles.

You seem to work at a close-knit workplace. Communing with your co-workers on occasion may also help your standing in the office. By extending relationships beyond the boundaries of the office, you have the opportunity to get to know people on a more personal level. Think Survivor. Alliances are good. Plus, you may just find an inside joke may make your workday just a little more fun. You, of course, need to draw the boundary line of how much extra-curricular tie you spend with your co-workers. I’m suggesting that maybe once a month would not hurt your career path, enjoyment in the office or relationships at work.

That is unless you call them “geeky” to their face. Be nice. If you just take them as they are and attempt to forego judgments, maybe they won’t pass judgments on you. And even if you think you’re perfect and above reproach, know that that idea is fully mockable. Breathe. Set your boundaries and go play once in a while. It won’t hurt.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear To Go or Not Go,

We Americans are friendly and like to tell others to “Smile!” It’s some sort of national personality marker we are collectively comfortable with. [If you think everyone around the world is like this because how else would you be?, get on a plane and check out what I’m saying, you nice, friendly turista.] When it comes to the workplace rather than personal choice outings, this can be tough on individuals who are naturally shy or just would rather be alone. In the office, as in most of the Real World, balance is usually the best marker to shoot for.

Take a cue from the Wisdom of the Cube. Cubicle walls, that is. Management puts them up for reasons other than just questionable taste and cost/space savings. They were originally meant to give a modicum of privacy while giving peers psychological access to each other (you know, team building), while helping you focus, all towards the company’s work at hand. To me, that sounds exactly like ideal level of sociability you should attempt to achieve at work.

In the office there are two criteria for successfully negotiating social situations: 1) your natural sociability personality, and 2) individual event’s importance to your career climbing. With Number 1, extremes of being totally withdrawn and private, nor a Stage 5 gregarious, outgoing happy neighbor, will serve your best interests. Once you come to terms and then some balance with your natural comfort level (by understanding yourself and then making a commitment to push yourself outside of that box once in a while), you’ll want to learn apply that little extra you (if you’re shy) or a little more toned down (if you’re super social) effort to be a better version of you. Why is pushing yourself to come to balance important if you don’t care about your job? It’s not, but given this economic climate, I assume even the least ambitious worker bee would want to keep their best foot forward to keep their every day on the job as pleasant and easy as possible (in other words, ease and grace help staying employed less of a job).

Then Number 2, where you will have to learn, if you don’t already know, which social invites are purely for personal pleasure and which are meet and greets and/or other career-building opportunities (a key word). Go to the best work ones (they usually have the best food and drink, at the very least!) and pick and choose which personal pleasure ones you care to attend. For those that you still consider “geeky events (you) have no interest in,” also learn how to clearly and nicely state that to your inviters’ faces.

What are you over and done with (maybe groupie (geekster to singers!) clubbing/partying, or even religious-inclined outings)? What environments (people, places, or situations) are you not willing to participate with/in? Identify what does and doesn’t work for you, your values, and state your boundaries clearly , do it with an open and friendly tone. Accepting/rejecting and getting invited to events rarely, ironically, have anything to do with you personally on any valid level…it’s how we spin them that gives them any power over us.

Still…it ain’t all rocket science ,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · career · de-stress · happiness · life · relationships
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Family Court: Judgments at Reunion Time

February 25, 2010 · 2 Comments

The word “family”gets eyes rolling and pushes some people’s hot buttons of insecurity or far more negative emotions. When it comes to the Big Family Reunion, maybe to attain acceptance, it’s time to switch to zippers.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a family reunion (huge, people fly in from around the country and we have committees to organize it) coming up and I’m finding I’m vainer for this thing than my high school reunion! I mean, hair, Botox, liposuction vain. What accounts for this nuttiness for family members who should love me no matter what?  — Relatively Vain

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Dear Relatively Vain,

Well you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. No one can bring out your insecurities with off-handed discussions about your complexion, your butt or the intimate sundries of your life like family. Comments friends, coworkers and acquaintances would never dare utter (with you in the room) are free fodder for full family discussion because on some level you share DNA.

I’m sure, somewhere there are families who are not doing this to each other. But, I come from a traditional African-American family where only the deep dark family secrets are off the table. If it’s your physicality—weight gained or lost, hair cut or grown—doctor’s notes, test results, or dating status, is all in-bounds. This alone is enough to make you slimfast, bodyshape, and nip/tuck to avoid scrutiny. Though you should realize, this is your family, those nip/tucks, etc. are still open for discussion.

Remember family is family. If you are feeling insecure, remember that’s your stuff. They may be obnoxious. They may pry and discuss your body like a newly purchased side of beef, but they love you. They care and they will always be there for you—whether you Botox before or not. But, please realize, if you Botox, they will know—and talk about it. If you get breast implants, butt implants, rhinoplasty or anything else that changes the outcome of the genetic materials you share—they will talk about it—and probably not nicely .

So, what’s the answer. Know that it is not just you. Truly nutty, loving families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family loves you, no matter if or how they are able to show it. The fact that everyone spends the time and money to come together for the reunion—proves it. Be compassionate about your families over-sharing. Do not judge them for it or choose to feel judged. Instead, decide this is one way that your family shares the big stuff and the minutia of family because they care enough to want to know it all. Choose to be you. Be comfortable and accept that family is as family does. Choose to accept yourself, your family, your genes and the scrutiny that comes with it. U B U. Get your hair done. Make sure you have a nice outfit and clean underwear (in case of accident) and go in there as yourself. That’s all they want to see, anyway.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Relatively Vain,

Confession! I’m that weirdo for whom the word “family” has a strongly positive association — including our shared delusion that we’re all smokin’ hot. So…

You can love, hate, or in-between them, but while family are the people most of us wouldn’t normally choose as our friends, they are our first identifiers/labelers, and perspective/values givers to How the World Really Is. This deep seeded imprinting is hard but not impossible to overcome, should you decide you’re ready to drop your story (e.g., I’m fat; will never amount to anything; or tall people are richer, etc.) or otherwise “rewrite your script.”

Generally, I don’t mind enhancements and procedures if you’re truly doing them for you or your health. I mind (for you) that you seem to have undergone a lot of time, expense and pain for other peoples’ (shared DNA or not) approval. Go stand in the mirror naked and stare and stare at your face and body. If you’re really brave, take some pictures (or have a friend do it); you can always Delete them later. Note what you like and dislike, hate and love about whichever parts pull and keep your eyes staring. Finally, to the parts you most dislike or even hate, say out loud to them, “Thank you for helping me see the world,” or “Digesting the nutrients that give me energy,” or “Giving me a portable, comfortable seat to sit on,” etc. You get the idea. Say out loud your praise and gratitude statements to these parts — touch or hold them as you speak — at least once a day, preferably naked in the shower or as you’re dressing for your day. [Acceptance doesn’t mean throwing up you hands and “settling” for your crappy parts, oh well. You can choose to actively make changes/ improvements/ enhancements to these parts while you praise and thank for what they do for you in their perfection today. This acceptance of responsibility helps us close the circle of self-acceptance.]

You can always buy New & Improved! cheekbones and hair, but inside out, you will still reflect the worst bits and pieces your family passed along, if you don’t make the true changes you deem necessary to live that more authentically beautiful version of You.

We are family,

BadWitch

==

Image, Frida Kahlo’s Family Tree

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · family · happiness · health · life · love · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Hello, My Name is Jon & I’m Addicted to Social Networking

February 18, 2010 · 1 Comment

O!, what a tangled web we weave. More and more people feel caught in their own Social web instead of in their real life (RL). And all social skills are not created equally. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW— Help me! I’m being held captive in a Social factory! I spend wayyy too many hours every day at my socials. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. Is there such a thing as balanced online life?! — Nothing but Social Life

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Dear Nothing but Social Life,

I call obsession to being online constantly BSOS, or Bright Shiny Objects Syndrome. Let’s be clear: you have an obsession (a mental preocupation) not a true addiction (a dependency) — but sadly it’s funnier to say you’re addicted when it comes to something so seemingly small yet insidious as Social networking. This phenomenon is relatively new to the past 15 years, give or take, and it does represent a real and potentially damaging and problem for kids or teens — anyone still developing (physically (brain), academically (reading/spelling), emotionally and socially (critical thinking, emotional balance, and inter-/intrapersonal communication)). The debate’s still out on whether social networking and massive hours online for kids is good or bad. Depending on what age/stage you are, the problem as you described  it can affect one differently.

Spending the majority hours of your day online “being social” is not the same thing as actually Having a Real Life, which takes skills, time and effort, and practice. If you have a RL, then web Socials can be an enhancement, not a replacement. My advice in a nutshell: Go outside and play! One feeds the other. The inside of your head is never as fascinating a place to anyone else as it is to you. Just the facts, ma’am/sir. The classic building blocks of  social, cultural and personal development still hold true: learning how to read and write (properly) gives U a leg up 2 understndg ur world historically and presently, which assists in having conversations with others to stimulate and grow your brain’s logic, speech, spatial and judgment centers, which all add up to the ability for having a fuller, more satisfying and balanced social life.

While out of balance Social networking is an obsession rather than an addiction, I still recommend checking how OCD a personality you might have as a good starting point to help you identify some of your behaviors and/or motivations. Otherwise, “addiction” to Socials is much more akin to work addiciton than a classic addiction (e.g., sex or drugs), and coming to balance is obviously the goal.

Start there. Answer the questions in the article link above, and start understanding what motivates your persistent, maybe obsessive Social usage. You can always try implementing a couple simple Social habit-breaking rules for yourself over 6 weeks (time to change a habit).

Balance your RL & Social lives: 1) only log on if you actually have something truly interesting and/or “newsworthy” to say, and; 2) if you can say it all by spending no more than 30 minutes a day updating, Replying, or browsing your Socials. Then between Weeks 2-4 of your habit-changing 6 weeks, drop 5 minutes each week from your time online at your Socials, until you are only logging in for 15 minutes a day. I recommend the stopwatch on your iPhone (a good personal use for a mobile!) or other alarm system.

In all your newly found free time, you can develop your people watching, reading and conversational skills more often in the RW.

Logging off,

BadWitch

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Dear Nothing But Social Life,

I hope your social life happens in the 3-D world, as well. The beauty of social media is the beauty of connection. You can connect with friends of long ago and people you don’t know, even celebrities. But unless that is balanced with loving relationships in the 3-D world, you are missing out on hugs, kisses, and infectious belly laughs that roll on and on. The good news is your social obsession may be the very means of stepping back into the real world—you know, offline.

You can find people from your class living in your city and send a message to meet up. Speaking of meeting up, MeetUp.com leverages social media for a 3-D world. You find what you like to do — from archery to cooking, talking about the brain to best happy hours — in the real world and meet other folks who are into the same thing there. Joining groups with similar interests can create lifelong bonds. Jane Austen Book Club, anyone?

Your social life comes with distance built in. Time, location, and an electronic device come between you and your online interactions. You can edit what you say, before blurting it out and can actually delete what you say. Would that the real-world were so forgiving. That is why we can feel more comfortable behind our socials than in the 3-D.

Meld them both for optimum balance, health and sanity. Did you know hugs reduce your heart rate and stress levels — proven. People with close relationships (on and off screen, mind you) live longer than those who do not, again, proven.

Funny thing is if you were a social addict, had to be out in the world and around people 24-7, I would counsel you to spend ore time alone and draw some boundaries in your life, perhaps even using social media as a tool. But, in your case, you have bridged two worlds. You are in the world, but not of it, which may work in the Buddah’s mind to lighten the soul, but if you are here in this 3-D, in a body, well make the most of it. Get out and go places you’ve never been before, even if it’s just neighborhoods in your city. Go for walks and actually chat with strangers. Besides, if you need a hit, check your mobile and upload a couple of status updates, that automatically feed your Tweet.

There’s no cold turkey needed here. Besides the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has already by-passed online addiction as an actual social disorder.

Screen time + 3-D time=balance.

Get Happy,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · media · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
Tagged: , , , , ,

Jealousy! Slaying the Green-eyed Monster

February 15, 2010 · 1 Comment

Sometimes even the most secure person can feel jealousy about a situation. But then they get over it.  Sustained jealousy is bitterness and that’s a sweet relationship killer. Do they make eye drops that get the green out?   — BadWitch

Happy President’s Day!

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I think I may sound crazy and high maintenance when nothing could be farther from the truth. I am so proud of my spouse’s success and thriving at work. A very close bond has developed with another director of the opposite sex. How do I let go of this jealousy?  — Green Eyed Supporter

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Dear Green Eyed Supporter,

Jealousy starts in the (green) eye of the beholder. Are you seeing the truth or just what you “want” to see? Jealousy is based on fear or anger of anticipating the loss of something. Check your body for fear by seeing if you have a stomach flutter or churn, or if you’re clenching your teeth or tight in the jaw, that’s anger. You know what I’m always saying: the Wisdom of your body.

You seem fairly life experienced, so I will jump to having a straightforward, non-emotional conversation with your spouse. Tell her (?) that you are extremely proud of her accomplishments and that you wouldn’t have it any other way for her at work, but that something has pushed your insecurity button and you want to just let her know so you can figure it out together, to put it to rest. Describe your half of the situation to her plainly and without emotional words like “I know you X” or “when you guys do this or that” and own your own feelings with phrases beginning with “I (feel)” or “my (perception)” – own it. Then when it’s her turn to respond, throughout, just listen. This is the hard part. Really listen and try to hear what she’s saying. You can use that information for the next step, later, on your own.

Figure out what you are supposed to learn from this incident, and see if you have any misunderstandings, misconceptions or other erroneous beliefs you can change/update (examples only: “People I care for always leave me,” or, “When things get too good, something’s due to go wrong.”)

Know that jealousy is simply a natural human emotion, but that it’s not synonymous with “being in relationship” or a sign of caring! Whether your spouse is actually doing something to give you reason for jealousy or not, or you’re jealous about her growth or independence, see it, embrace it, and allow it…to help you grow.

Empower yourself, your relationships,

BadWitch

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Dear Green Eyed Supporter,

So many questions are swirling through my mind. Are you working outside of the home? Have you witnessed this “close bond” or are you hearing about it through your partner’s stories? Are you reacting to how closely they must work together to get the job done or how much they are together? The question really is: am I just jealous or is there something going on?

My question of whether or not you are working outside the home has to do with your point of view. I know from experience when my home and children were my work, I was often jealous of my partner’s ability to leave the house, play with adults and solve big people problems. Seriously. I understand the importance (and can see it in my children) of making home and children a priority, but it takes a toll on the stay-at-home psyche. It is easy to feel as though you are contributing less, therefore have less “say” in decisions and ultimately, feel less than your partner—and any of your sex working outside the home.

If this is the case, take back your power TODAY! Go online and find out what all day exclusive live-in nannies cost. Add in all the services including, Girl/Guy-Friday taking in the car to the shop, groceries, laundry, chef, etc. Tally up your take-home pay. Your work has value and not just monetary. Drink in your value, put on something cute and remind your spouse of the powerhouse at home. This is not some cheap Patty Stanger trick. This is taking back your power and position in your relationship. If you hold it, no one else can.

Now, that is only one scenario and may be completely off from the truth. Perhaps you are working too and now getting the “gotta work late” phone calls. If your partner is telling you all the stories involving this co-worker, you are still early in the game in my opinion. Chances are nothing is going on, yet. If your partner is willingly telling you stories that this person drops into regularly, your spouse is not feeling guilty about the relationship. Again, drink in your value, put on something cute and plan either an adventure or weekend away and take back your power and position in your relationship.

If you believe you are all that (and you are) and your spouse is in the know (balanced, open communicative, fun relationship), that green-eyed monster would not appear. Jealousy is an indicator of either 1. Cheating or 2. Feelings of a lack of self worth. My method is to take control of what I can. I can control how I feel about myself. I remind myself that this person has already chosen me. I do not need to continually ask for signs that I am the chosen one. I just need to remember and remind myself (often, repeatedly and throughout the day) to create a new mindset, which will ultimately create a more favorable dynamic in the relationship. Confidence is sexy.

BTW, if you truly suspect your partner of cheating, follow through and follow up. Don’t pull an Elin with your head in the sand. This is your health and home life. Face what you know. Calling it jealousy and trying t sweep it under the rug when you know it’s true in your heart is self-destructive and allows you to accept a place of inferiority. DO NOT EVER IN LIFE ACCEPT A PLACE OF INFERIORITY WITHIN YOUR MARRIAGE. Know your worth.

Remember, you are worth all that and a bag of chips,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · career · de-stress · family · happiness · life · love · relationships · self-improvement
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Calendaring L-OV-E? V-day, Not Just for Lovers

February 11, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Lots of us have love on the brain this weekend. Some of us regularly disdain Valentine’s Day. But why put off celebrating real love? Most of all remember, love is not just for Lovers or a chick thing but about truly celebrating…ourselves.

— BadWitch

Brewing & Celebrating Love’s Magic…

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Valentines Day brings to mind hearts, roses and chocolate kisses. As a child, I dreaded Valentine’s Day. What if no one gave me a Valentine? In high school it was a question of whether anyone would send me a rose. By the end of the day, I had a small bouquet of yellow roses from the friends, while longingly staring down the hall at the love of my life, who invariably, thought I was one of his buddies.

Whether you have someone special in your life (who knows it!), are pining away for the one who got away or happily alone, remember to take the time to romance yourself this Valentine’s Day. After all, you are the most important relationship you will have in your life. In the immortal words of RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else.” Can I get an amen!

So, how to best romance yourself on this special occasion with your MOST special partner, i.e. you? I believe in starting with putting on your date underwear (oh, you know the ones I mean) and get yourself looking good and smelling pretty. That’s right, you look good, you feel good. Now, get yourself some flowers. You can cut and arrange them from the yard or buy a beautiful bouquet.  Then decide what would mean the most for you. Would you rather see a romantic comedy or a horror flick with a tub of popcorn? Perhaps a three-course meal at your favorite restaurant or that restaurant you’ve been wanting to check out. Treat yourself the way that you would hope to have a devoted lover treat you on this special holiday sacred to lovers the world over.

And, if you are sharing this beautiful day with someone special, really do it right. Couples massage is an excellent way to build intimacy and raise oxytocin. Add some flowers and chocolates and, well…Now, if money is an issue, tap into your creativity. One year I made a board game I called SCORE! I set it up like baseball, but the batter had to answer questions about their partner, like “which way do I like to have the toilet paper roll? Over or Under?” If the answer was right they advance a base. If they SCORE without striking out (one wrong answer and you’re out) a PLAY card is won. This card  may win you a kiss or some well-thought liberty or an “I love you,” in your best Donald Duck voice. Keep it fun and sensual. For the cost of paper and markers you can create a truly special and memorable evening.

I capped the evening off with lemon cake topped with candied rose petals. Even though we are divorced (but friends—hey, there are kids involved!) he still reminds me of that amazing dessert. We leave off mentioning the game, but let ‘s just say, unforgettable…in a good way.

Romance is in the making and the intention. Intend to open your heart. Intend to do the little things that make a heart flutter, a little wink or whisper of a touch. Intend to say what should never go left unsaid, “My life is better for having you in it.” And intend to enjoy. Life is a string of moments pulled together. Enjoy as many as possible.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

GoodWitch

P.S. For more yummy ideas, join our Fan page and get in the mood.

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Love starts with “U.” Why celebrate just one day of card company-sanctioned LOVE? Not everyone is hooked up or as Pauly D and the Situation would say, creepin’. But every day is a good day to celebrate the love of self, so we can love each other a little bit better.

Indy celebration: If you find the holiday depressing, then stay away from all things V-Day themed including date movie genre flicks and restaurants featuring menus for Lovers. There are so many other ways you can celebrate your self yourself. Maybe you’ll do this soaking in a fragrant tub, power walking around a sparkling lake, writing or videoing Things You Love About Yourself (no need to leak it to TMZ, and I highly recommend this at least annually! If you don’t know what’s lovable about you, then who else can love all the amazing things about you?) — what makes you tick, uniquely special, so enchanting, attractive, delightful and/or any other element worth spotlighting and celebrating. Revisit your I Heart Me list…when you need to. Now, darlin’, that’s a gift that keeps on giving. For fun Groupie celebrating: Tweetup or plan a NVD (NotValentine’sDay) for the Love of Love event. Whether it’s a Girls night, Bromance, or mixed party, open up the floor to ideas from everyone, or assign everyone to come up with to bring a funny, serious, strange or favorite way to celebrate how they L-O-V-E themselves. Chocolate, flowers and a heart-shaped pizza at a bowling alley? Fan love of live hockey, Olympics viewing or homage to a great artist, musician or film director? Why not? Lovers celebration: Whether a celebration big, small or at all, I highly recommend recognizing intimacy in our lives on all its levels. One post-V-Day report at the office, the others fawned over my gift account because my honeyface had actually heard an off-the-cuff comment I’d made about needing to replace a mundane item, and did so with a luxury version. Both genders gave props to my sweetie not for his shopping acumen but the real element of surprise — listening! Intimacy is about the seemingly small attentions we pay each other and ourselves.

However you choose to celebrate V-Day, make sure you include really celebrating the love of your self. Extra credit and…cin cin to amore, liebe, любовь, love!

BadWitch’s Love Potion #1

2 oz Acai berry juice (this great antioxidant’s taste described as a cross between red wine and chocolate)

2 oz Three Olives Chocolate Vodka

Splash of Cointreau

Shake vigorously. Strain. Garnish with a raspberry.

Oh yeah, baby. Repeat.

“Love is something that’s built on a solid foundation of just gratification of mutual understanding throughout the years.” – Larry Flynt on love

Love, You,

BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · life · love · relationships · sex · spirituality · wellness
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Joy! When Depression is Too Depressing

February 8, 2010 · 4 Comments

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Sadness can be valuable, but when repeated, again, still…stuck…it’s depressing. Literally. Trying UnSad.     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I don’t know what to do with my life. I look fine and am functioning (healthy and pay my bills and have a few close friends), but I think I’m kind of getting depressed. I don’t have anything to be depressed about! WTF?  — Which Way?

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Dear Which Way,

Depression can be caused by many things—from nutritional imbalances to lack of goals, i.e. something to strive for. I cannot say, of course, what is causing this downturn in your outlook, but I can offer some suggestions that are known serotonin producers.

Remind yourself each day of the many blessings present in your life. Keep a gratitude journal and list 10 blessings you experience each day. I suggest writing out your list each night before you go to sleep and then re-reading them each morning. In this way you train your brain to look for the positive in your life before you go to sleep and you start your day by again reminding yourself of the blessings you have received. In this way you are training your brain towards positivity. Seeing the glass half full becomes a habit, and thereby more automatic.

Adding certain foods to your diet can boost your mood. Foods high in tryptophan, like turkey or cashews creates GABA (a calming hormone) and serotonin (a happy-making hormone) in the brain. In other words, you can eat yourself to a better outlook. Pineapple, milk (the more whey proteins the better), Omega 3s ) found in salmon and other fish), and B vitamins (spinach, kale) will all help. Naturally.

The field of orthomolecular medicine offers much more information about nutrition to affect mood. By discovering what nutritional imbalances may exist (most Americans have butritioal imbalances) you can adjust your diet to better balance proper nutrition and, thereby, assist in balancing emotions. We all know not eating can lead to very bad moods. Now imagine some chronic depletion, like magnesium, over the course of a few months or years. Bad mood ensues. Ask your physician for a blood work up to determine if there are any chemical imbalances which can be turned around with a change in diet.

Otherwise the best offense against depression is a good defense. Delve into alternative and complementary therapies like Reiki, massage or meditation, to open yourself to a broader interpretation of life and what is possible. StillSitting.NET offers an introduction to meditation, more information on mood boosting foods and breathwork exercises that can bring you back to ground zero so you can lift your spirits from there.

Don’t settle for “this is as good as it’s going to get.” And don’t think there’s a magic happy pill that will take the blues away. The truth is depression is very real. It is your spirit telling you that it is unsatisfied. Begin to give yourself the tools to come back. Part is changing habits and part is faking it, till you make it. But as one who has bounced back from depression by doing the transformative work necessary—like changing diet, habits and looking at what my soul was unsatisfied with and then affecting the change—I know happier days are possible. In fact, highly possible if you take control of your life

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear Which Way,

To say being “sad” is all in your head is not necessarily that far from the truth. It’s natural and helpful to feel sad when events call for that emotional response, but if we don’t recognize, feel, address and do something to change the situation, chronic sadness can become depression, and that partially (psyche and the spirit, too) takes residence in the brain.

Here are some practical Sadness Fighting body-mind-spirit Tips:

~ Bright light (they don’t call it seasonal affective disorder — SAD — for nothing!), any one especially halogen lights will help lift your mood and help create happy hormones in your brain especially during the winter season

~ Move! Exercise and moving your body of any sustained kind helps lift your mood. Moving helps circulation, muscle stimulation/growth and…again with releasing the happy hormones

~ A banana a day keeps the shrink away. The potassium in bananas positively affects (and effects) serotonin production in the brain

~ Be down with joy! The BadWitch take on “Fake it ‘Till You Make it.” Honey. Seriously. There’s wisdom in the old show tune that says when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you. You can (and do) have reflected back to you a world and energy that you put out — why not want, desire happiness and wellbeing which support you positively in turn when reflected back to you by others

~ Laugh! That we freak ourselves out over and over about the same things is indeed keeping the gods in stitches. Take a more humorous big view of things

~ Be responsible for your joy. A solid philosophy of financial planning is a good one for life in general, and getting out of your doldrums. 1) Control what we can control, and; 2) eliminate surprises as much as possible. I know these are trying times for everyone. Everybody feels worn down. “Problems” (that produce sadness) aren’t solved by fretting about fretting (again recognize, feel, embrace it but don’t give yourself permission to become stuck there). The only things we can control, should be! They include: our general attitude, sense and follow-through of responsibility (to ourselves and others in our lives appropriately), and most importantly and the thing all other things hinge on: the quality of our thoughts.

These are tough days, no denying that. Feel your feelings fully, try these Tips. Next thing you know, you’ll be feeling less non-specifically sad and more energized by the day to fund the energy to do something more specific about its source.

Have you hugged your Body’s Wisdom today?,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · health · life · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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The Stress Smell of Revenge

February 4, 2010 · 2 Comments

When we are wronged by an old friend, how can we right ourselves again? Releasing the self-imposed stress of wanting to strike back .     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Someone who I thought was an old friend really did me wrong. I can’t stop these thoughts of revenge in my head.    — Cold Dish

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Dear Cold Dish,

Punishment! Payback! Revenge! While they make for a cool poster, are a lot better suited for the movies and soap operas than real life where that sweet taste is a shot, but a hole in the gut lasts forever. Why stress yourself giving yourself an ulcer when you can Go Green! (ok so yeah, lower case), and recycle that same energy into healing, improving and growing yourself? Believe me, this is the more sustainable model.

There’s no pain like the pain of deceit a trusted former friend can dole out. This alone makes the healing and self-improvement an uphill trek. But hiking uphill builds strong legs, lungs and buns of steel. Work on your emotions in the same way: build a foundation of unflinchingly truthful self-knowledge (did you somehow contribute to this betrayal, if not, what would your ex-friend’s motive be to hurt you?); steely resolve to learn something about yourself from this incident (like how you hurt – your hot buttons can reveal to yourself your most unhealed emotions), or how you knew something about your friend but maybe hid that truth from yourself (what payoff/need did having this person fulfill in your life?), etc.); and the life-sustaining ebb and flow of acceptance of things as they are and self-reliance (not the same as isolated). Surround yourself with true friends and family who appreciate and can support you in your growth and thriving. Remember who you really are.

Finally, sweet Cold Dish, I think you’ll be doing yourself a favor (and shortcut) to turn and face how much this old friend hurt you. Grieve. There’s a good deal of mourning your situation (and our culture at large) appears not to have embraced yet. There’s a gaping hole where there was once something very important to you and your life. Take the time to really recognize, mourn its absence, thank it for the gift it was (when it was and what it actually gave you), and let it go.

Divine it is to forgive, Yoda,

BadWitch

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Dear Cold Dish,

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most painful experiences possible. You put your trust and faith into another person and they betray that trust through actions and/or words. Not fair. But maybe you’ve heard—revenge never helped anyone.

Truth is, thinking revenge-thoughts is perfectly sane. Most people when faced with betrayal will think horrible Carrie-esq revenge thoughts. You may envision horrible disfiguring or fatal accidents too. Again, sane. Now, taking any of those thoughts into the 3-D, insane, psychotic and, quite possibly, criminal.

So, let the revenge thoughts simmer for another day or so and then, move on. Pick yourself up and ask yourself the hardest question of all: How did I contribute to this situation. Were you too forthcoming with someone who had already showed you they were not trustworthy? Did you chose to remain blind to the signs of betrayal early on and dig yourself in deeper? Are there ways you can recover, rebound and safeguard yourself against these mistakes in the future—without closing off yourself from future relationships?

Forgiveness is just around the corner. Forgiveness does not mean to forget what happened. But stop the acid of hate and revenge running through your veins as soon as possible. You are only brewing up illness, stress and paranoia by keeping the un-forgiveness and revenge going. Unfriend them at Facebook. Change the name in your cell phone to ALERT (or something you feel may be more appropriate) so you can cancel any incoming calls from their number and move on with your life.

Chalk it up to experience. Realize this person has offered you the gift of a transformational lesson. Use this experience as a springboard yourself into a more alive, compassionate person. Use this lesson to grow more into the amazing person you are. That is the best revenge. The loss, the forfeit, the crappy karma is all theirs. Let the Universe sort out the punishment. Focus on your rewards. Even the darkest moments have brightness to offer us if we are willing to look into the blackness. Look. There’s a better, freer you on the other side.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · happiness · health · life · media · relationships · self-improvement · spirituality · wellness
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Rules & Regulations: Parents and Teenagers

January 21, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Step-dad man walking….into a possible minefield of mom and troubled son. When extended families are formed or trade in new teammates, it’s important for the franchise’s game to be running from the same playbook.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I love and want to marry my girlfriend of 5 years. My problem is her son. He always gets in trouble with the law since he was 12, she coddles him and he takes advantage of her, and now he’s 17 so I will have to father him for a couple more years legally. I actually like this kid, but I see how the relationship between mother and son might have a negative impact on mine with them both. Ideas? — Wannabe Family Guy

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Dear Wannabe Fam Guy,

Wow wow and wow technically-speaking, of course. I admire and don’t envy your position all at once. Relationships are work so…you are really in a relationship, aren’t you? Parenting teenagers (of all kinds) and control can get Bad News Bears pretty quickly .

Assuming you want or need to actually change your marital status (like to have more more kids, religious, or legal reasons, etc.), your family will benefit from scheduling a series of conversations between you and your girlfriend, you and her son, the two of them, and the three of you, to thoroughly examine and discuss your feelings, concerns, expectations (don’t assume any are “obvious”) all toward setting and mutually agreeing on creating some rules and limitations for this new family (i.e., how much “daddy” will you be, what level of following House Rules is everyone expected to uphold, perhaps/probably unlike he does today — your and your girlfriend’s boundaries seem, on the surface, quite different/far apart when it comes to this still-minor child; etc.). He’s deeply a teenager, so I’m not thinking you will adopt him legally legally but maybe you will, daddy muffin?, just be sure everyone is on the same definitions page, is all I’m saying.

Lastly, when we sit down to have the harder conversations in life, make sure you assure the other party(-ies) up front of your stance and intention, i.e., “I want to start this central and big conversation because I love you two so much. It’s a toughie, so I just want to be clear how important you both are to me and nothing could ever change that…”-type statement. Putting them at ease from the starting line will help them open their eyes, ears and hearts for those convos and that marathon you’re about to undertake together.

Best of luck in this thing we call Life. Stay right-focused on your mutual goals and love, don’t come between mom and son, and make good choices you can commit to.

Family under construction!,

BadWitch

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Dear Wannabe Family Guy,

Boundaries! Set them clearly and set them early. First boundary, do not get between mother and son. Support the individuals involved, but remember these words, “I’m here to listen and to love you, but the bottom line is between (choose appropriate: you & your mom; you & your son). I’m not getting in the middle.”

You can support with advice, helping to get outside mediators advice (coach, counselor, etc.) or just letting each of them know you are a safe, non-judgmental and loving ear for them to share what’s going on for them. If you can balance this role, you may be a really powerful influence in this relationship, because you will offer these two someone to listen to their angst who really gets what is going on.

If you choose sides or make them wrong for the state of their relationship, you will increase tension. Whatever the extenuating circumstances of their bad choices in life and with each other, you really don’t know the total story. The back-story you do know may help you offer some good advice in the future, but really, don’t point blame and don’t use the past incidents to make your point in current issues in arguments. It is not effective, important or helpful.

Try and stay away from words like “always.” “Always” points to a point of view that stereotypes and does not look at the extenuating circumstances in a situation. Remember, for every time your future step-son acted out, there was some time in there where he acted right or at least tried to do the right thing. You want him to hear you when you are offering advice? Change the word “always” to “sometimes.” Yes, you know sometimes means fairly regularly. However, he hears that you are offering a compassionate, yet honest view of his issues.  Simple, little word may not seem like much, but the longer you can talk without raising his defenses, the more of the right information he’s taking in.

In the end, you may be the new husband she loves, but he will always be her son. If you judge him to harshly or judge her for her attempts to support him (yes, it may be coddling, but she sees it as supporting) you will cause issues in your relationship with your wife. Boundaries, compassion and truth are the keywords for you. See the good in everyone involved in this situation and you’ll get more of the good than you expect.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Categories: Advice · Life coaching · de-stress · family · happiness · life · love · relationships · self-improvement
Tagged: , , , , , , ,