The Break Up: Hurt Feelings Included

It’s not you, it’s me…Can we just be friends? Is it written in some sort of cultural code that breaking up is hard to do? When a perfectly good relationship has run its course, but…    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m a very mature 17 but want to break up with my 2 year long boyfriend but don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, we didn’t have some big fight, but I don’t know how to let him down nicely and still be friends. — Can We Be Friends?

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Dear Can We Be Friends,

Ah!, to be 17 and self-serving again. It’s a good time for these lessons, don’t forget it. This (being self-serving) doesn’t have to be a bad thing if you focus on doing no harm to yourself or others. Life is nothing but paradox, and the sooner you can wrap your mind around and accept it, the happier you will be.

Lil sister, you’re ready to move on but probably feel equally guilty for wanting to leave a guy who’s been very good to you; bitchy for wanting to date other guys who’ve shown interest in the hottie you are; and tired of his clinginess or inability to see you that what you have in common at 17 isn’t likely going to serve you post-college and into Real Life of your 20s and beyond (yes!, you will likely live even past your ancient 30s yikes). There are so many Tips On Dumping Mr. Wrong, so go find those if you need ‘em. Here, instead, I’m going to ask you to break up with him the way you’d like anyone to break up with you.

Sit him down in a neutral place, and tell him you two are going to talk today. You start. This is your convo, Ms. Thang. Try to be and stay very clear and succinct, “We’ve had a great run but it’s time to move on. But you’re important to me, so I want to tell you why I feel like this.” When it’s his turn to talk, listen, really listen. Try your best not to deviate, or let him, from the main purpose of this meeting: to break up civilly (and no reason why not, if all the rest you report is true). Ending by asking him to be friends may be a bit too much to outright stupid of you, so just see how the talk goes and allow him room to let him feel all his feelings over the next few days. Before parting this meeting, if you can manage it, set a phone date to check in and make sure you two are still ok and civil — about one week (7 whole days) seems right to me, and is about 6 months in teen years.

Much love to both your long treks,

BadWitch

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Dear Can We Be Friends,

Maintaining a friendship past the break-up is not an easy thing to do—but definitely not impossible. Just remember to be respectful of whatever boundaries he puts up after the fact, while letting him know that you care about him and will always be there for him if he needs you.

Now as for “the conversation,” take the following into consideration:

1. No guilt. Remember that all relationships are not meant to last forever. If you feel that now is the time to split, respect your feelings..

2. Have compassion. Maybe the other person understands or maybe he was looking forward to a long future. No matter what, make an effort to understand where he is coming from.

3. Be clear. Talking around the point will only cause more confusion and hurt feelings. Think of it like ripping off the band-aid. Be straight-forward. There is time to discuss once the truth is out on the table.

4. Do not use the old standard, “It’s not you. It’s me.” It will only bring up every bad break-up seen before on TV or the movies. Will not help the “let him down nicely,” intention.

5. Speak your truth. Tell him from your heart how you feel. Let him know you care and have hopes for your future friendship. Let him know the truth behind his biggest question, “why?”

This probably won’t be the last time you have this conversation with someone you are dating. Sometimes you will give the speech, other times you will listen to it being delivered to you. No matter, remember every relationship will offer valuable information on who you are, what type of person you are attracted to and how you share yourself with others.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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