Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — My boyfriend wants us to go out all the time, but I’m happy home with him watching our favorite TV shows off the DVR. Suggestions for compromising please… — Couch Tater
Dear Couch Tater,
To love someone isn’t always to like them. “Like” includes tangibles like having things in common, stage of life experiences/-ing, and admiring/enjoying someone’s qualities. Liking a person is often about the experiential – you know, bonding. There are sexy, friendly and intellectual activities — a lot depends on the stage your relationship is at.
Non-defensively, ask you b/f why he wants to constantly go out. If it leans more towards boredom — here’s a thought: boring people get bored — then you suggest alternating shared time together with your interests. But if he is trying to bond with you and you equally want to strengthen your relationship, you might have to make more of an effort in two areas: 1) actually getting up off your comfy booty and venturing outside, and/or 2) realizing men and women bond differently, neither wrong. Men “do” and women “talk” but neither in the same ways with the opposite sex as their own.
Here’s an activity to share together: each come up with a list of your own ideas (cooking class/homework, walk then TV; train or spa together; casual games; a romantic drive; fantasize then detail plan a realistic getaway together…) of fun and games, and then compare the two lists. Cross-reference for any commonalities, discuss to consider crossing off deal breaking no-ways, and then see if a theme emerges from the ones left over on your common list. That’s the thing, darlin’, looking for those commonalities.
Common not ordinary time,
Dear Couch Tater,
Suggestions for compromise? Hello are you having some major time management malfunction? At its simplest form compromise in this situation is staying in one day of the weekend and going out the other. Or, like in my world sharing children, split the week in half and alternate weekends.
Come on, if you are two adults you should be able to work this out. “Honey, I don’ feel like going out tonight. Let’s stay in tonight and go out tomorrow instead.” Or “Baby, the big party night feels like Friday to me. Can we set that as blazin’ crazy night and make Saturday movie night?” Say what you need. Listen to what your partner wants. Write down both lists and agree upon where the middle is. He’ll give up Thursday night beer and poker to hang out around the house with you if you will throw on some makeup and a sexy outfit for Friday night on the town.
If our partner refuses to compromise and curb the party night, well, then you have a different issue. If your partner needs to be alcohol and partying to unwind after a long day, then counseling and support for substance abuse may be in order. However, if the issue really is time management and cooperation, if you can’t figure out how to say no to a night on the town or how to ask for your partner to stay in on occasion, your marriage has much bigger issues.
Listen, I understand preferring to be home, on the couch, in your sweats, under a snuggie. But marriage doesn’t mean you won the war and you don’t have to work so hard anymore. You want to stay happily married? Alternate the night on the couch with sexy surprises that suggest there is more fun at home than out in the world. Other nights, ask “where’s the party?” Grab life by the balls—whether it’s staying in or going out. Being a homebody can be fun. Being a hermit shouldn’t last forever, especially if you expect others to stay as shut-ins with you.
So, figure out where center is. Talk honestly and openly. Compromise. Collaborate and keep it fresh.
Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
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