Sometimes even the most secure person can feel jealousy about a situation. But then they get over it. Sustained jealousy is bitterness and that’s a sweet relationship killer. Do they make eye drops that get the green out? — BadWitch
Happy President’s Day!
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — I think I may sound crazy and high maintenance when nothing could be farther from the truth. I am so proud of my spouse’s success and thriving at work. A very close bond has developed with another director of the opposite sex. How do I let go of this jealousy? — Green Eyed Supporter
==
Dear Green Eyed Supporter,
Jealousy starts in the (green) eye of the beholder. Are you seeing the truth or just what you “want” to see? Jealousy is based on fear or anger of anticipating the loss of something. Check your body for fear by seeing if you have a stomach flutter or churn, or if you’re clenching your teeth or tight in the jaw, that’s anger. You know what I’m always saying: the Wisdom of your body.
You seem fairly life experienced, so I will jump to having a straightforward, non-emotional conversation with your spouse. Tell her (?) that you are extremely proud of her accomplishments and that you wouldn’t have it any other way for her at work, but that something has pushed your insecurity button and you want to just let her know so you can figure it out together, to put it to rest. Describe your half of the situation to her plainly and without emotional words like “I know you X” or “when you guys do this or that” and own your own feelings with phrases beginning with “I (feel)” or “my (perception)” – own it. Then when it’s her turn to respond, throughout, just listen. This is the hard part. Really listen and try to hear what she’s saying. You can use that information for the next step, later, on your own.
Figure out what you are supposed to learn from this incident, and see if you have any misunderstandings, misconceptions or other erroneous beliefs you can change/update (examples only: “People I care for always leave me,” or, “When things get too good, something’s due to go wrong.”)
Know that jealousy is simply a natural human emotion, but that it’s not synonymous with “being in relationship” or a sign of caring! Whether your spouse is actually doing something to give you reason for jealousy or not, or you’re jealous about her growth or independence, see it, embrace it, and allow it…to help you grow.
Empower yourself, your relationships,
BadWitch
==
Dear Green Eyed Supporter,
So many questions are swirling through my mind. Are you working outside of the home? Have you witnessed this “close bond” or are you hearing about it through your partner’s stories? Are you reacting to how closely they must work together to get the job done or how much they are together? The question really is: am I just jealous or is there something going on?
My question of whether or not you are working outside the home has to do with your point of view. I know from experience when my home and children were my work, I was often jealous of my partner’s ability to leave the house, play with adults and solve big people problems. Seriously. I understand the importance (and can see it in my children) of making home and children a priority, but it takes a toll on the stay-at-home psyche. It is easy to feel as though you are contributing less, therefore have less “say” in decisions and ultimately, feel less than your partner—and any of your sex working outside the home.
If this is the case, take back your power TODAY! Go online and find out what all day exclusive live-in nannies cost. Add in all the services including, Girl/Guy-Friday taking in the car to the shop, groceries, laundry, chef, etc. Tally up your take-home pay. Your work has value and not just monetary. Drink in your value, put on something cute and remind your spouse of the powerhouse at home. This is not some cheap Patty Stanger trick. This is taking back your power and position in your relationship. If you hold it, no one else can.
Now, that is only one scenario and may be completely off from the truth. Perhaps you are working too and now getting the “gotta work late” phone calls. If your partner is telling you all the stories involving this co-worker, you are still early in the game in my opinion. Chances are nothing is going on, yet. If your partner is willingly telling you stories that this person drops into regularly, your spouse is not feeling guilty about the relationship. Again, drink in your value, put on something cute and plan either an adventure or weekend away and take back your power and position in your relationship.
If you believe you are all that (and you are) and your spouse is in the know (balanced, open communicative, fun relationship), that green-eyed monster would not appear. Jealousy is an indicator of either 1. Cheating or 2. Feelings of a lack of self worth. My method is to take control of what I can. I can control how I feel about myself. I remind myself that this person has already chosen me. I do not need to continually ask for signs that I am the chosen one. I just need to remember and remind myself (often, repeatedly and throughout the day) to create a new mindset, which will ultimately create a more favorable dynamic in the relationship. Confidence is sexy.
BTW, if you truly suspect your partner of cheating, follow through and follow up. Don’t pull an Elin with your head in the sand. This is your health and home life. Face what you know. Calling it jealousy and trying t sweep it under the rug when you know it’s true in your heart is self-destructive and allows you to accept a place of inferiority. DO NOT EVER IN LIFE ACCEPT A PLACE OF INFERIORITY WITHIN YOUR MARRIAGE. Know your worth.
Remember, you are worth all that and a bag of chips,
GoodWitch
==
Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.
© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.
Pingback: Good? Bad? Who Can Say?