Step-dad man walking….into a possible minefield of mom and troubled son. When extended families are formed or trade in new teammates, it’s important for the franchise’s game to be running from the same playbook. — BadWitch
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — I love and want to marry my girlfriend of 5 years. My problem is her son. He always gets in trouble with the law since he was 12, she coddles him and he takes advantage of her, and now he’s 17 so I will have to father him for a couple more years legally. I actually like this kid, but I see how the relationship between mother and son might have a negative impact on mine with them both. Ideas? — Wannabe Family Guy
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Dear Wannabe Fam Guy,
Wow wow and wow technically-speaking, of course. I admire and don’t envy your position all at once. Relationships are work so…you are really in a relationship, aren’t you? Parenting teenagers (of all kinds) and control can get Bad News Bears pretty quickly .
Assuming you want or need to actually change your marital status (like to have more more kids, religious, or legal reasons, etc.), your family will benefit from scheduling a series of conversations between you and your girlfriend, you and her son, the two of them, and the three of you, to thoroughly examine and discuss your feelings, concerns, expectations (don’t assume any are “obvious”) all toward setting and mutually agreeing on creating some rules and limitations for this new family (i.e., how much “daddy” will you be, what level of following House Rules is everyone expected to uphold, perhaps/probably unlike he does today — your and your girlfriend’s boundaries seem, on the surface, quite different/far apart when it comes to this still-minor child; etc.). He’s deeply a teenager, so I’m not thinking you will adopt him legally legally but maybe you will, daddy muffin?, just be sure everyone is on the same definitions page, is all I’m saying.
Lastly, when we sit down to have the harder conversations in life, make sure you assure the other party(-ies) up front of your stance and intention, i.e., “I want to start this central and big conversation because I love you two so much. It’s a toughie, so I just want to be clear how important you both are to me and nothing could ever change that…”-type statement. Putting them at ease from the starting line will help them open their eyes, ears and hearts for those convos and that marathon you’re about to undertake together.
Best of luck in this thing we call Life. Stay right-focused on your mutual goals and love, don’t come between mom and son, and make good choices you can commit to.
Family under construction!,
BadWitch
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Dear Wannabe Family Guy,
Boundaries! Set them clearly and set them early. First boundary, do not get between mother and son. Support the individuals involved, but remember these words, “I’m here to listen and to love you, but the bottom line is between (choose appropriate: you & your mom; you & your son). I’m not getting in the middle.”
You can support with advice, helping to get outside mediators advice (coach, counselor, etc.) or just letting each of them know you are a safe, non-judgmental and loving ear for them to share what’s going on for them. If you can balance this role, you may be a really powerful influence in this relationship, because you will offer these two someone to listen to their angst who really gets what is going on.
If you choose sides or make them wrong for the state of their relationship, you will increase tension. Whatever the extenuating circumstances of their bad choices in life and with each other, you really don’t know the total story. The back-story you do know may help you offer some good advice in the future, but really, don’t point blame and don’t use the past incidents to make your point in current issues in arguments. It is not effective, important or helpful.
Try and stay away from words like “always.” “Always” points to a point of view that stereotypes and does not look at the extenuating circumstances in a situation. Remember, for every time your future step-son acted out, there was some time in there where he acted right or at least tried to do the right thing. You want him to hear you when you are offering advice? Change the word “always” to “sometimes.” Yes, you know sometimes means fairly regularly. However, he hears that you are offering a compassionate, yet honest view of his issues. Simple, little word may not seem like much, but the longer you can talk without raising his defenses, the more of the right information he’s taking in.
In the end, you may be the new husband she loves, but he will always be her son. If you judge him to harshly or judge her for her attempts to support him (yes, it may be coddling, but she sees it as supporting) you will cause issues in your relationship with your wife. Boundaries, compassion and truth are the keywords for you. See the good in everyone involved in this situation and you’ll get more of the good than you expect.
Good Luck,
GoodWitch
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