Changing up is Hard to Do

Changes, shifts, and new ways of doing things. If change is the only constant in life, how can it sometimes still be difficult?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Why is change so hard? I want to but…   — Reluctant Agent

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Dear Reluctant Agent,

As my friend Paul said, “Quitting smoking is easy! I’ve done it four times.” Why is change tough? One word: fear. O h ok, one more: natural.

Fear: of the unknown (including the important lack of role model of the new), threat or pain avoidance, of rejection by current systems and peers, and a failure so deep we might not be able to get out of. My antidote is a mixed metaphor of: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and as Ah-nold once said, “If it bleeds we can kill it.” Most reasons for resistance to change fall under this category, but if we can “humanize” the change by learning about it to understand it better, we can conquer the resistance.

(It’s) Natural: healthy skepticism to change (especially when non-optional and thrust upon, as at work) can also be met and satisfied in favor or against by just asking and education— misinterpretation is a sad reason to miss a potentially wonderful change opportunity. It’s natural especially when we let our hu-monkey minds rule our more evolved, responsible and informed minds.

Over our lifetimes, we can discover we have varying degrees of resistance to change on a  0-10 scale. Because not all change is created equally (i.e., incremental change we barely notice over years; paradigm shifts that change the structures (and sometimes belief systems) of our lives (i.e., healthcare reform; women in the workplace), our resistance isn’t always the reason we do or don’t make changes, necessary or desired, successfully or failed attempts.

Once we have decided to make a change, to make it stick, I prescribe to another adage: Success is 10% genius but 90% preparation. Listen, learn, anticipate, form a guiding plan with a goal, leave room for flexibility and as-needed course correction, focus on the process not the goal — helping you help you is sometimes the hardest change of all.

Get out of your own way,

BadWitch

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Dear Reluctant Agent,

As the old aphorism says, “Change is stability.” Why? Because change is the only certainty you can actually count on! That is the nature of evolution, in cells, humanity, pop culture…life.

As humans we like predictability. We like to know when things will happen, how things will happen and the expected fallout from its happening. But life does not give us a Cliff Notes guide so we can prepare ourselves for life’s next scene. The best thing we can do to prepare ourselves for change is to become more confident in yourself and your own abilities to handle anything life throws at you.

Life is like a river flowing towards it ultimate ending. Along the way, we may steer towards the people, activities and careers that interest us, but in the end, whether you call it faith, destiny or God’s will—life will do what it is going to do. We have no control over how or what other people will do, only our reactions to it. We don’t know what political views or pop culture must-haves are going to change the very way we live our lives. All we can know is that we have the tenacity, wherewithal, knowledge and confidence to deal with whatever it is.

Start by writing out a list of qualities you appreciate about yourself. Be sure to include full descriptions of what you appreciate about each quality, including how it helps you cope with life. This list is the first step in you building resilience. You need to have a conscious understanding of how capable you are. You must know it loud and clear, otherwise, each change will cause you to quake in your boots. The quake is really you asking yourself “Can I handle this change?” “Am I capable?” My answer: “Yes, you are. You made it this far didn’t you?”

Part two of resilience and following your intuition. Are there some things you have always thought, “that would be good to know how to do.” Whether it be growing vegetables, herbal medicine, car mechanics or how to shut off the gas after an earthquake—do it. That’s you telling yourself what you want to know to feel more capable. And, frankly, the more capable you feel, the more stable you feel. Even in the face of change. And an aside: you should always know how to turn off the gas or electricity in case of emergency—and get a fire extinguisher. Safety first.

Now, if you really want to float like a butterfly through the uncertainty of change, learn to cope with stress. Stress fueled by fear, will inhibit your ability to deal with changes in a reasonable, calm way. Stress can leave you unable to make necessary decisions and unable to see your best opportunities clearly, a one-two punch of making the best of any change. Cope with your stress, build your resilience and know change is, so don’t fear it, make the most of it. You are capable.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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2 responses to “Changing up is Hard to Do

  1. Marianne, that’s a great observation (and sounds like you’re doing the work, keep going)! When we take things personally — more times than not — it’s our egos that are doing the thinking. [Obviously in life, there will be rare times when things really *are* about you and you should heed those signals, circumstances, and act accordingly.] Our feelings are hurt, or we feel rejected/lesser than, or they just don’t see how brilliant we are. We actually go over this, and specific to you ASR Type, in our e-learning program SS Less Stress More Life – if you’re interested (stillsitting.NET). Meanwhile, note that I said “egos doing the thinking” because that is where we get stuck: in our heads, with the rambling and undisciplined thoughts that stymie us from moving forward in heart and action. There is a level which is spiritual, but the practical, down-to-earth that is tied to this keeps us in fear, frustration and doubt. Act as if you believe that things are just the way they’re supposed to be even if we can’t understand why in the moment – and then do the practical walk through life by just noticing when and what (specifically) gets you down (journal or note it to help see the patterns emerge) and then take action to improve these thoughts, feelings and meet your own needs. I hope that’s helpful but feel free to email me directly if not. Finally, please realize that in our current job climate, more and more highly educated, experienced professional level individuals are out of work and they are harder to place than more junior folks, even in the best markets (I speak from industry experience).

  2. Dear GWBW,

    Thank you for the great information about change. I am going through change (yet again) and it helps to understand it.

    I continue to struggle with this thought: “We have no control over how or what other people will do, only our reactions to it.” Often other people say or do things that I don’t understand and it can be frustrating. Can you elaborate on ways we can monitor and control our reactions? I’m getting better at asking questions and restating things so that I can understand others and they can understand me. But, it’s still hard at times.

    I try not to take things personally, but when I’m laid off or not hired for a job, after awhile it’s hard not to think “what’s wrong with me” (instead of “I guess I just don’t fit in with that group”).

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