New American Family v.3.5: mama brings home the bacon, daddy fries it up in a pan, and he never, never forgets he’s his own man. Nice upgrade! — BadWitch P.S. Happy holidays, lovely readers! We’ll see you back here Monday.
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — My wife loves her job, is very successful and I’m a stay-at-home-dad while I’m figuring out what I want to do next with my own career. My guy friends seem to be telling me to hurry up so I don’t lose my manly edge, do you agree? — Manly Dad
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Dear Manly Dad,
Hey, Mr, Man, are your “guy friends” married, otherwise, what do their relationships look like? If your wife is happy on the home and work front, your family is rolling down the road smoothly with you at that helm from “9-to-5” (yeah right!) then I hope you won’t rush your search at the expense of another valuable experience you might not be able to get back — especially based on advice of those who may not practice what they preach.
I commend you for being uber-manly and supporting your wife’s success without any seeming issues there. Your kids and you will benefit from getting to know each other in a way not always afforded fathers and their children. If you’re genuinely happy about your role and decision to put your family first in all the ways that’s possible to you, I thank you in advance for our society at large! Last but definitely not least, I’m thrilled you’re taking time to explore and develop your own ideas about what career will serve you best. Your guy friends in question must not be doing work they love, or they’d know there’s no hurrying up this process to good effect. Get to know yourself — you’ll be a better husband, father and careerist in the long run for doing that work!
As for that “losing your manly edge” warning your seemingly insecure, scurrying friends brandish, a Real Man will always have an edge even if he were the Michelin Man on the outside.
Man up, be fully you,
BadWitch
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Dear Manly Dad,
In this economy rushing is NOT the right answer. If you are stepping back out into job market—this job market—you need to take the time to really decide where and how you want to step back in. So, no, don’t rush because your boys are threatened by this new definition of “manly” you are presenting them with.
In truth, the job of staying at home with kids is nothing to sneeze at. You are honing patience, multitasking and creativity skills on an hourly basis. You are learning how to work your audience to excite, to quiet, to inspire. And though this may not seem like much, lemme tell you, those new skills are SUPER important in the working world. It’s called PR/marketing training with a little sensitivity thrown in. Clients, coworkers and, yes, bosses, will eat it up. If you jump into sales, oh yes, these are great skills to have.
The fact that your kid(s) have you at home when Mom is working full time, is a blessing. Also for you, already having a working budget with you able to take the time to decide how you will re-enter the job market—huge blessing. Take this time and use it wisely. Work with a coach. Take some time to really decide what you want to do with your career. This time is a blessing. Wring out every ounce of the gift. Then, when yu are truly ready, you’ll be well-prepared for the next stage of your career.
Good luck,
GoodWitch
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Image, Dr. Timothy A. Pychyl
Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
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I’m sorry we have not responded for so long. Unfortunately, we did not get pinged to check out your comment.
OK, let’s start with this hypocrisy idea. I am all for empowering people to do what they know in their hearts is right for them. I have ALWAYS been that way.
If a man is really feeling his “maternal” instincts, then go for it! That is why we have some very successful male nurses and senior caregivers. These traditionally feminine roles are opening up because in the last 30 years our society has started to appreciate and allow men to embrace their compassionate care giving side. If a man wants to express that nurturing through childcare, I say go for it! And, conversely, if a woman wants to express her nurturing through childcare—Do IT!
It is not for us to say what a person needs to be happy and whole. Only the individual can do that for themselves. I grew up in a family during the 70′s in which my dad was the caregiver, cook and housekeeping guru and my mom made the money decisions. We may have looked strange to a lot of people, but at least concerning these roles, we were happy. Why? Because my parents embraced their strengths and natural tendencies and followed through. And, believe me, we did not want my mother cooking or caring for us when we were sick just because she was the woman in the house.
Hypocrisy is as hypocrisy does, but, frankly, my point of view has never waivered. You assume I would not invite a woman to stay at home, however, I made that choice for myself for the first year of my eldest daughters life. Why would I tell some other woman not to do it? In terms of Bad Witches “father figure” comment, I cannot fully speak for her thoughts, but truly, insinuating anti-lesbian comments is so far off the mark I don’t know where to go with it.
Listen, our society is evolving. We have moved on from the absent dad whose only good for a paycheck and mom stays home doing all the work because she has no other options. Fathers want to be involved. Kids want both parents involved. So whether you are a family of two men, two women or woman and man, stay involved with your kids. If you both work or one wants to stay home, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that your kids know you love them and are there for them. If you want to do that by being the primary caregiver at home, do it—no matter your gender. Life and childhood are just too short to waste your time doing what someone else thinks is best for you. Do your best job of being you.
AND as a single mom, all I can say is, you have no choice but to be mom and dad rolled int one. You have no choice but to work and earn a living for your family. Just be the happiest you that you can be and let your kids see you making the day to day things happen while still having some time and attention for them. You are teaching them invaluable lessons about responsibility and relationships. I applaud you ’cause this single parent thing is sooooo not easy. So take the time to take a break for your sanity and keep loving yourself and our kids.
The hypocrisy I referred to is exactly as I stated. Our society has insisted to women that they only way to live is to have a career and not be at home, not be dependent on your husband. Yet you’re telling a man the exact opposite.
Similarly you’re now claiming that you believe that children suffer due to the lack of a “male father figure.” So if you believe a male father figure is essential, does it follow that you are encouraging single mothers to marry so that there children have a male father figure? Do you discourage single woman from having children? Do you oppose single women adopting? Do you oppose lesbians having children?
None of those women would have a male father figure for the children, which you claim is essential. Yet I guarantee you that you would not dare suggest that these women need to hook up with a male, or suggest to them that there children will suffer because there is no male figure present. That’s what I mean by hypocrisy.
I would just like to take some time out Thank everyone for doing what you do and make this community great im a long time reader and first time poster so i just wanted to say thanks.
Rob – agreed!
Isterpull, sorry I’m only just now seeing your Comment. I’m not sure what hypocrisy you’re referring to. I’m happy if you’d expand on that. I am known for saying to my friends, “The pendulum never swings to the middle,” meaning that when something needs correcting, very often there is an over-correction before coming to a more balanced center. Speaking only for myself, I feel this way about our society thrusting the stereotypical traditional gender roles on men and women, especially in the past 40 years. So I am happy when the men I’ve met who want to stay home, or play a far more active hands-on role in childrearing, show up. A strong and present male father figure has been sorely lacking in many households, and our society at large suffers its effects. As for advising a woman to work only not stay home to feel empowered, I have never done that (and can’t imagine GoodWitch saying that, either), and in fact have encouraged and supported my cousins (several of them) who opted for this route. Another thing my friends and family know me for saying is, “Good parenting, mothers specifically, is the most important work anyone can choose to do.” I don’t let my personal preferences (no children and a career) disallow me from seeing the beauty of a choice for some-/anyone else.
I’m sorry but this kind of monumental hypocrisy is impossible to ignore. You know very well that if a woman asked if she should work or stay at home, there is no way in HELL you would be encouraging her to stay at home. In fact it is the generally accepted view that only by women working outside the home can they be independent, fulfilled, respected, equal, and have your own identity. It’s also the generally accepted view that women staying at home suffer from depression, loneliness, lack of fulfillment, loss of identity, dependence, lack of intellectual stimulation, adult interaction, etc, etc.
You can’t spend the last 40 years telling women how terrible it is to stay at home rather than have a career, and then try to tell men the exact opposite.
However if you really believe that not having a career of your own is so wonderful, then hopefully you and those of you who feel likewise will be encouraging your daughters to be stay at home moms rather than think they have to have careers, right?
Well, I wish that Peter Pan syndrome could be cured by a paycheck. In truth, I might still be married. The truth is money’d or not, either you work as partners with defined responsibilities or…
If you are working all day and then trying to be the household shopper, cook, maid, financial planner and mommy, you’re going to burn yourself out. If you are working until 6pm, you should not be doing grocery shopping. Sure, you may have to offer cooking lessons and write the list, but dad and son are clearly capable of handling the grocery store.
You have the opportunity to break free of stereotypes and show your son what a balanced c0-caring relationship looks like. There is a mess of multitasking, deadlines, and heavy lifting involved in running a home. Have you noticed how many great chefs are men?
Set some boundaries with your husband. Define responsibilities and set expectations. You don’t have to do it forever, but for now, it is imperative that you two make a working plan that works for both of you. If you burnout and get sick, the whole family can suffer financially. If you continue to feel like you’ve been left holding the bag, your growing resentment could be the deadly cancerous disease in an otherwise healthy relationship.
And, as for hiring a coach as a luxury for the rich, all I can say is: your priorities are your own. If you want to make your home life a priority, investing a few hundred dollars—less than you spend on a new car, smartphone, designer duds or, in some cases, a salon appointment—is worthwhile. After all, the lessons you learn in coaching pay you back for years to come. In fact, the work you do for a few hundred dollars with a coach can pay back in long term investments generation after generation. You don’t have to be rich to learn the rules of the road to good communications, balanced relationships and self-determination. You just have to decide to make you a priority.
Merry Christmas, MJ. I truly hope Santa brings a season of warm, familial love, true partnership and prosperity in the new year.
Happy Holidays,
GoodWitch
Keep ‘em coming, but thanks for the comments and all your very personal points of view on this broadening topic, peeps. MJ: I respect your view point AND we are all in very different places in life, and over a life time. My goal in dealing with people (as a manager, coach, spouse, adult child, friend…all of my roles) is to see people as individuals with very different stories. As a coach, my primary goal is to recognize where they’re at NOW and help facilitate their forward movement in life — not “fix” them, which I leave to counselors. Money is an issue today for *everyone* no matter their economic status. Living is like options and outcome, by degrees and probabilities. Blessed holidays to you and yours, most sincerely from both of us.
I am the kind of guy who loves to seek recent things. Right now I am making my own photovoltaic panels. I am making it all by myself without the assistance of my staff. I am utilizing the net as the only way to acheive this.
Thanks for reading this. You guys are the best.
It was rather interesting for me to read that post. Thanx for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.
Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
Thank you
Everything dynamic and very positively!
wow, role switch, great adventures, despite pressure from those who are stereotyped.
great topics!
Dear Author!
Matchless theme, it is interesting to me
IF you’re going to stay home for a year or more, for your resume’s sake, do some consulting or plenty of volunteer work. A few-year gap on a resume, especially in this economy is going to be a big black mark against you unless you can fill it with project work.
and wait,… hurry up so you don’t lose your manly edge.. how about hurry up so you don’t lose your manly house? Hire a coach? Who are these young parents who just work for the fun of it and have all of this expendable cash for life coaches lying around? This must be some rich-people blog.
I have to agree with “poverty”. It all sounds so progressive and post-feminist, but dads staying home is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been working and my husband has been home for almost two years. It’s created a major financial hardship– he’s dropped out of the workforce, and just like a mom would, is having a hard time getting back. Babies & toddlers naturally want to cling to mom, and my son pitches a holy fit every time I leave and clings to me like a little monkey as soon as I come home and won’t let me out of his sight. And while my husband does pitch in with dishes and laundry, I am still shopping, cooking and also paying a cleaning lady for a weekly cleaning. I am starting to resent the situation. My husband needs to be working, my son needs to do more all day than go to the gym daycare and hang around the house, and I need to have time to be with my son where I’m not always on the way out the door or trying to do chores. Husband is looking for a job now and I hope he finds one SOON.
PS – Great post! Got me thinkin’….
I have some friends in that situation, and the man seems to have fallen into the roll of her son more than her husband. She is more of a caretaker to him than an equal partner.
I think men need to (at least) perceive themselves as the provider in order to embrace their natural instincts from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. It’s their nature.
All this coming from a single mom, I might add! What do I know?
I’ve just observed this over and over again over the past few decades: The men who stay home with the kids are boyish and forgetful. Even though they are home all day, “Mommy” manages the finances, tells them when the grass needs cutting, manages the kids’ schedules, the dry cleaning, the chores, the groceries, etc.
The house husbands are home to watch over the kiddos and straighten the house a bit, but the wife runs the show. I’m not sure this is best for a man’s pride, no matter how he intellectualizes it. After all, it wasn’t too far back in history that men were the hunters and providers for thousands of years. I don’t know if our bodies and natural instincts have evolved as fast as society has in the past couple of hundred years.
I’m just sayin’.
This article is very interesting, keep us posting..