Hook ups: Addiction, Dangerous or Just Fun?

Hook ups can be fun, they can be dangerous…which may be partially why some people find them fun. Either way, when they cross the line into addiction or abuse (of the self or done to you), they become a cry for help.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I am worried about one of my best girlfriends. We’ve known each other since grade school and she’s changing now. I’m really worried about her recent if-y hook ups. She seems addicted to them! I’m just worried about her safety, and do you think I should talk to her about this?  — Saftey Monitor

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Dear Safety Monitor,

Whether CL’s Casual Encounters, print personals, or at a random bar, if-y hook ups have been around since…Darwin’s days. Maybe it is all good for your friend and you’re right to be concerned for her safety. So I say heartily, Yes!, talk to her about it if you are genuinely concerned for her wellbeing and not just judging her. Stay on message. Here are some items you might consider talking to her about if her safety is what you’re truly concerned with:

- STDs and STIs like HPV

- Weirdos (stalker, dangerous harassing types)

- Assholes (abusers)

Now that the safety basics are out of the way, and this may or may not speak to your concern about “addiction” — I’m concerned when you say “she’s changing.” If this is a very sudden behavioral shift in an otherwise even individual, it’s possible she may have suffered a triggering traumatic event(s) and is acting out to express her feelings. A woman and I have been discussing the date rape subject recently, so that alarm bell is sounding off for me. Keep in mind your friend may not even consider it “rape” for a variety of reasons, and that it’s only one type of possible trauma. Trauma and abuse are complex things. It breaks my heart to hear girls and women say things like “…abusive relationships everyone has them,” or “I never thought someone like him would pay attention to me,” or “I didn’t realize that was abusive.” Hey, dolls (and lesser talked about, guys), long lasting relationships are work, but whether there, in dating or straight up hook ups, love should not hurt in the literal (physical or foundationally emotional) way. If it does, it’s very likely abusive in some way shape or form. If you or your friend don’t know or can’t tell if someone is abusive, check out the links I’ve provided here. In the end, you might find your friend’s if-y hook ups are just her choice whether you like it or not — better than someone else’s agenda forced on her to blackmail her for attention, affection or even love, which is what most abused people really want and need. Ladies, please please please value yourselves no matter what the relationships you enter look like on the surface.

Props for your responsibility and care for your friend. While many people actually do find hook ups fun and/or “a stage,” they can also become an addiction and sexual addiction is a very complex arena, which requires professional help for proper diagnosis, guidance to a positive outcome.

Safety first,

BW

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Dear Safety Monitor,

Well, to properly answer this question, I feel like I need to know what you mean by “if-y” hook ups. I mean, is she picking up stray men on the street? Bar hook up one night stands? Not having safe sex?

I’m going to assume that if-y or not, this girl understands that having a bag full of condoms can allow her to hook up another day. If she is not having safe sex, give her the truth—blunt, straight up. HIV is not the only issue of unprotected sex. Genital warts, pre-cancerous cells that never leaves your body, just lie dormant waiting — available now through unprotected sex. New studies coming out regarding HIV now show that, yes, the cocktail works, HIV is not necessarily a death sentence—except the survivors are aging at an accelerated rate. So alzheimers, heart attacks, all the fun of aging can be yours now — also through unprotected sex. Yell, scream, take her to buy condoms, but make sure she’s not THAT stupid for a hook up.

Now, if she’s picking up stray guys on the street or in bars, as seems to be a 20-something right of passage for many, and you think she’s addicted to these hook-ups, there is a deeper question at work. Your friend may be experimenting or she may be experiencing grief or sadness and expecting some guy to prove to her she’s worthy because he’s chosen her. This is dangerous in a number of ways. First, physical safety, be sure you know where she is. Tell her to take a pic of the guy she’s grooving off with and text to you or some other friend. The guy who won’t let her take a pic, she should cross off her pick up list—no matter how hot. Think no pic, vampire, pick another. We are talking guys, another if-y hook up could be 3-5 minutes away.

The deeper issue is that your friend is running herself down to herself. If she is experimenting, she should be careful there are no lasting scars — on her spirit. The energy of being chosen can be heady and make you feel special — the energy of being left in the morning, in the middle of the night — not so special. Those rejection scars do not heal easily. Help her feel better about herself and who she deserves to be with. She may be settling because she does not believe she’s worthy. Be a friend and help her see the amazing treasure she is. In short, the yoni is sacred and every time you give it away with less care than you would a handshake, you scar yourself. Besides, it’s way more satisfying to make them wait and work for it. That is when you really feel chosen and special. Help her love herself enough not to hook up.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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