Monthly Archives: December 2009

I Pronounce You Bridezilla On Da Dance Floor!

Posted on December 31, 2009 | Leave a comment

Are First Dance lessons a must today, in your wedding budget, or are you just out of your wedding planning mind? Something borrowed, Groom to Bride: “Shall we Dirty

Dance or Two Step ever after?”   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m a bride-to-be but not a Bridezilla. Do you think we look bad if we don’t getting dance lessons for the First? Funnily, it’s my fiance who wants to, but I don’t see why when we’re both good dancers naturally.  — Mrs. Twinkle Toes

==

Dear Mrs. Twinkle Toes,

The first dance of the bride and groom is symbolic of you to dancing together through life. So the question is, do you prefer that dance be choreographed or a free-form expression of the two of you together in the moment?

I believe the beauty of dance is how much fun you are having while you’re doing it. But, looking good in front of friends, family and out of town guests is not to be undervalued. So knowing the best dancers know how to lead and how to follow. Compromise may be the best solution of all. Take the classes and learn some new tricks. Work out some new styles and steps and then have a few Dance Dates at home. Integrate the moves you learn (a salsa step here, a samba hip there) and make it a part of your own style.

Don’t get too wrapped up in the “perfect” wedding, because believe me, the things you remember and cherish years later have little to do with how well you did the first dance, which cake topper you chose or the seating arrangements. A good party flows naturally—not too controlled. Allow yourself to get back to the basics. You will remember the ceremony, the vows, the first kiss. You will remember who came, who you shared a laugh, a drink and, most likely, a tearful hug. Focus on bringing meaning into those moments.

Make this dance your own. Dance together as an expression of the synchronization, spirit, love and fun of your new life together.

Dance like there is no one watching,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Mrs. Twinkle Toes,

Full disclosure: after hardballing all my vendors, I sent our wedding invites with American flag stamps on them. Got me? So of course I wouldn’t think that your first public glide out together as Mr. & Mrs. should be an audition for So You Think You Can Dance. Ok so get dance lessons if it’ll tame your four left feet and shy nerves, but I say you’re better off doing the junior high gawky slow jam into your new life to your own beat, Fred and Ginger. If you’re really no Bridezilla, why on the dance floor would you let others’ wedding trends lose you this precious, potentially revealing teamwork challenge opportunity? They say men don’t care about weddings — hello?, most of them don’t care about overwrought, unrealistic weddings. Nowadays, very often how a couple starts out together is a real indication of how you will walk through life as a team.

Unless either of your families are the Aileys or Barishnikovs, your fiancé must be kidding himself to even think any sincere celebrant of you two gives a poop…or would dis your skillz, such as they are. Trust me, you’re better off spending half the time you’re inclined to on planning the Big Day, and doubling the time anticipating, planning and then actually preparing for the real partnership event. Honey. If more couples did that, the divorce rate in this country would very probably drop from 50% to 25% right off the bat (and then comes the real work). Think and talk about real decisions that matter: do you both want children (if so, by when, how many?), money (who’s going to handle the house finance admin; what do you expect of each other contribution-wise (e.g., working vs. stay-at-home); and will you mix or match financial burdens, expenses and dividends?), and lifestyle (where will you live, city or ‘burbs; chore division; entertainment; all the way to the fidelity expectations end of the spectrum).

Start off on the real right foot together by considering (healthy debating is fine) these Real Life concerns before they become deal breaking issues later. And yes, over half my adult life later, people are still recalling to us our super yummers cake (!) and how much our unique wedding truly reflected us.

Congrats without the Jazz hands,

BadWitch

==

Image, Christiaan David Photographer

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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New Year’s Evolution

Posted on December 28, 2009 | 2 Comments

What a decade. Usually secure and grounded people we know felt everything from shocked from the first market bust, to eh!, to sad to depressed and back again. A fresh, shiny new year is nearly upon us. Appreciating your opportunities, yourself,

to make lasting change.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’d like 2010 to be better than this year. Do you have any suggestions? I’ve been feeling a bit sad these last few weeks (my work is going well though).   — Blue’s Not my Color

==

Dear Blue’s Not My Color,

I’m with you! 2010 should be better! Well, I wish I could promise you lollipops and rainbows, but “life is gonna do what it do.” It’s up to us to decide the past is done and no longer has power over you. It’s done. Now, plot your course for the future, make the navigation corrections and full speed ahead. Depression starts by drafting around past history, judgments and ideas. What has happened is done. The only hold it still has over you is the power you give it to define your present and future. Decide to make a fresh start. Accept what has been. Recognize the past is over and decide to live a new life. Now.

2009 was a seriously trying year. Stress was the name of the game. We are at the start of a major evolutionary shift in our culture—and it’s definitely been a bumpy ride. But now that we know uncertainty is the name of the game, it’s up to us to decide the surf the waves as best we can.

The time has come to decide how you will live your life going forward. Will you be happy? Decide to make it so. Not in some throw away New Year’s resolution kind of way, but in a deep, meaningful, “I’m changing my life” way. Decide. Start by adding serotonin-producing foods to your diet. It will help lift some of the blues.

Then start a meditation practice. Make a habit of taking some time every day to picture yourself living the life you want to live. What are you imagining? Making more friends? Feeling secure and happy? Learning new skills (cooking, yoga, whatever)? The more you allow yourself the space to imagine your ideal life, the more information you have about what is missing now. My suggestion? Add it. Take the class. Call some friends for a night out.  Choose to do what you will do, cause life is gonna do what it do.

The mantra for 2010: “I choose, so all I have to do is decide. I decide to be happy.”

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Non-Smurf,

I doubt there’s anyone who doesn’t want 2010 to be a fresh start. When better to look forward than an entirely new and clean decade? The shift into the third millennium was a bumpy ride all right, Bette Davis — and 2009 just seems to have been an appropriate capper for it all. From the tech bubble burst, 9-11, the global financial crisis, housing bubble, to global warming events/signs escalation…whoa!, that’s a whole lotta prompts for us all as individuals to make meaningful changes for more evolved living.

I’ve been on a lifelong quest of self-improvement, inspiration and spiritual expansion.  To my mind, work and personal lives are intertwined more these days than ever before. These suggestions might help you improve both:

• get to know yourself a little better every day. Journaling, participating in common interests groups for feedback and exchange, get some coaching, these types of activities help you get a more objective look at yourself and, anywhere from immediately to over decades, can help you make better, more personal value-based decisions, then…

• don’t make resolutions you won’t likely keep. In this area, pick just one habit or quality you’d like to improve about yourself and make a yearlong plan/goal, then scale it back to monthly To Do items/activities to support it. Make the daily changes small but do-able– especially at first, then challenge yourself as you go – you will actually change your habit(s) in three (3) weeks. Repeat, rehash, again, one more time! This will also help you…

• be kinder and gentler with yourself NOW!!! (haha), the kinder you act, the kinder you will become. This is an extremely under-recognized affliction and, I believe, partially explains how carelessly we treat each other and mindlessly we occupy each day….which could be how we got to this place…

That’s “it.” Know, improve and be kinder to yourself. Empathy for others through self-love.  We are all connected, so when we value and treat ourselves and each other with more care, we can become the change we can believe in.

Gratitude, hope and consciousness,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Not Your Daddy’s ‘Mad Men’: Working Mom, House Husband

Posted on December 22, 2009 | 20 Comments

New American Family v.3.5: mama brings home the bacon, daddy fries it up in a pan, and he never, never forgets he’s his own man. Nice upgrade!  — BadWitch P.S. Happy holidays, lovely readers! We’ll see you back here Monday.


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife loves her job, is very successful and I’m a stay-at-home-dad while I’m figuring out what I want to do next with my own career. My guy friends seem to be telling me to hurry up so I don’t lose my manly edge, do you agree? — Manly Dad

==

Dear Manly Dad,

Hey, Mr, Man, are your “guy friends” married, otherwise, what do their relationships look like? If your wife is happy on the home and work front, your family is rolling down the road smoothly with you at that helm from “9-to-5” (yeah right!) then I hope you won’t rush your search at the expense of another valuable experience you might not be able to get back — especially based on advice of those who may not practice what they preach.

I commend you for being uber-manly and supporting your wife’s success without any seeming issues there. Your kids and you will benefit from getting to know each other in a way not always afforded fathers and their children. If you’re genuinely happy about your role and decision to put your family first in all the ways that’s possible to you, I thank you in advance for our society at large! Last but definitely not least, I’m thrilled you’re taking time to explore and develop your own ideas about what career will serve you best. Your guy friends in question must not be doing work they love, or they’d know there’s no hurrying up this process to good effect. Get to know yourself — you’ll be a better husband, father and careerist in the long run for doing that work!

As for that “losing your manly edge” warning your seemingly insecure, scurrying friends brandish, a Real Man will always have an edge even if he were the Michelin Man on the outside.

Man up, be fully you,

BadWitch

==

Dear Manly Dad,

In this economy rushing is NOT the right answer. If you are stepping back out into job market—this job market—you need to take the time to really decide where and how you want to step back in. So, no, don’t rush because your boys are threatened by this new definition of “manly” you are presenting them with.

In truth, the job of staying at home with kids is nothing to sneeze at. You are honing patience, multitasking and creativity skills on an hourly basis. You are learning how to work your audience to excite, to quiet, to inspire. And though this may not seem like much, lemme tell you, those new skills are SUPER important in the working world. It’s called PR/marketing training with a little sensitivity thrown in. Clients, coworkers and, yes, bosses, will eat it up. If you jump into sales, oh yes, these are great skills to have.

The fact that your kid(s) have you at home when Mom is working full time, is a blessing. Also for you, already having a working budget with you able to take the time to decide how you will re-enter the job market—huge blessing. Take this time and use it wisely. Work with a coach. Take some time to really decide what you want to do with your career. This time is a blessing. Wring out every ounce of the gift. Then, when yu are truly ready, you’ll be well-prepared for the next stage of your career.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, Dr. Timothy A. Pychyl

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Revenue Enhancement, Cosmetic Surgery?

Posted on December 21, 2009 | 1 Comment

Some people would give their eye-teeth, but this reader wants to get a new nose and teeth.  So while it’s a guaranteed revenue booster — for his plastic surgeon and dentist! — will these cosmetic tweaks improve his own sales career’s bottom line?

— BadWitch

PS See you back here one day earlier on Wednesday.


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Should I get a nose job and veneers to improve my career? I’m in sales. I do pretty well, but could always do better. — Bottom Line

==

Dear Bottom Line,

The ROI on improved teeth and nose work, eh!, not as easily definable a career investment like an MBA/masters, or a computer, but it could be considered a tool of your trade and you always want the sharpest tools in your belt. Having said that, I have no idea if you’re actually any good at being, nor what “doing pretty well” as a sales person means to you. Tools are only as good as the hands they’re in. If nothing else, there’s the potential tax write-off benefit; consult with the right tax professional for you.

A smile is worth a million bucks. Give or take the dollar’s fluctuation, in this economy. No matter whether your smile is your fortune, or just your personal calling card to the world, your smile usually is the barometer of your spirit and how you really feel about yourself. [And for any shy or less confident readers: Fake it till you make it includes smiling and this retrains your thoughts and eventually your brain. Smile your way to more confidence.] So if getting veneers makes you feel more genuinely confident about your choppers, then get them. As for your schnoz, unless it’s a physical impediment (like the most commonly cited deviated septum), or it really, truly keeps you from living your best life — don’t silhouette profile yourself (as lesser than).

I’m not against cosmetic surgery across the board so if you’re concerned about business and revenue, talk to your sales manager and CPA for their take on your individual situation. But if this is a question about how you feel about yourself, then I say work on building your actual self-esteem (and this may include some healthy and real confidence that comes from knowing your smile winningly conveys the real you inside). Otherwise a “quick” fix that comes with post-op black eyes and held together with glue, could just end up being a superficial (and possibly shifting) thing, at best.

First be real…with yourself,

BadWitch

==

Dear Bottom Line,

Why do you think you have to alter you features to be successful? Nose jobs and veneers don’t always improve people’s looks. Case and point: Hilary Duff.

You want to make more money and a better impression on future clients? Self-esteem is the best idea. Confidence is incredibly attractive. I know I’ve said it before, but the truth never changes. We all know the woman or guy who is not necessarily attractive, but has the confidence and charisma to make everyone react like they are cover models. Confidence is beautiful and works better than rhinoplasty in attracting new clients. Need another example, how about Clive Owen. OK looking with skin issues, but considered one of the sexiest man alive because he has confidence and talent out of control. Daniel Craig, another Hollywood Heart throbs, has never let his broken nose slow down his success.

You want success in sales? Start with brain training techniques and affirmations that program you for success. Just as athletes visualize themselves making the shot again and again to program their body memory to make the shot., you need to visualize yourself selling. See yourself bantering with clients easily. See people saying yes to you. See yourself succeeding. Train your body memory to be at ease, confident and selling successfully. Then put on an outfit that makes you feel confident and go work it.

Use that extra cash on more affective marketing—social network and/or traditional. Make sure people know that you are the one to buy that product from. Remember, you can sell yourself to make money, but in the end, you will have crippled your spirit. Frankly, it’s not worth the cost.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Parents & Adult Kids: Different Religious Beliefs

Posted on December 17, 2009 | 2 Comments

Can Christian (or any devout denomination) parents and their strayed-from-the-flock adult children just get along? There’s a lot of love under that thar roof…and mutual respect is sacred.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I was raised Christian but no longer go to church, but my parents are still into it. When I go home to visit them, I don’t want them ramming their religion down my throat but it’s still their house, and I’ve never figured out how to let them know respectfully. I consider myself spiritual just not religious. I’m 28.  — Respectful Son

==

Dear Respectful Son,

I have a lot of questions regarding your question. I cannot know if your parents are preaching at you throughout the visit and pushing you to go to church? Are you questioned on the state of your soul and your rightness with the Christian faith? I cannot tell from your question if you are being harangued, prodded or just extra sensitive to your parent’s preaching. So with the hope that rational, non-judgmental minds wanting only the best for each other will prevail in this situation, I’ll try to answer.

I can tell you that feeling like you can share all of who you are with the people you love, most especially your parents, really does wonders for your own sense of self. Think of it as a growth opportunity that allows you to be an adult—with your parents. Though this hurdle may feel insurmountable, the truth is when you do finally present who you are what you believe to your parents in a self-accepting, confident manner, you will feel better about yourself.

Chris Rock once said, “Secrets rot the soul.” I believe this to be true, whether the secrets are huge betrayals or any of the small ways we hold back from sharing who we really are and what we really believe to fit in. If you accept who you are and what you believe, though these beliefs may differ from your parents Christian faith, you truly stand as an adult, self-affirming. You don’t hold anything back, which means you allow yourself to shine—fully.

My thought, personally, is that all faiths speak to God in their own language. So, in my world, there is room for spiritual beliefs and Christian faith to co-exist. In your parents world, it may take a straight forward, non-judgmental conversation. Let them know that you appreciate the foundation you received, and your personal beliefs have shifted. You may expect at least one or two in-depth religious arguments, but if you remain compassionate, non-judgmental and open, you will represent yourself and your beliefs well.

As my Dad said after hearing I no longer went to church, “I don’t care what you believe, only that you believe in something.” So believe.

Be thyself. Fully. Don’t hold back.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Respectful Son,

This is a very complex question fraught with issues, but it most makes me want to respond politically: Don’t let religion kill your family’s relationship and love for each other. To put a finer point on it, to my ears, this issue is less about religion or spirituality than it is family (of individuals) dynamics development.

1) You’re 28 and on your own. 2) Your religion doesn’t define you but does it your parents? Let’s start here.

1) You da man! You’re already out there, presumably, rocking your own adult identity and…have a life. No need to prove to your parents that your choices are your own and that you’re happy, at this stage in time. Your parents, in turn, should not feel attachment to or definitively act like they hold parental final say over your adult decisions. Ideally, they should have trusted their own parenting skills and step out of your Big Boy business.

2) You say you got closer to your spirituality when you dropped the organized religion portion of the program. I’m trying hard to advise you neutrally as this is exactly what happened to me, while my own parents are very much still into their religion they raised us in. However, I am clear how much their religion means to them, how much grace and peace they derive from it, and how much they identify with their religion. I genuinely respect their church for them. Are your parents similar to mine, and if so, can you respect their choice as you want them to yours?

Then there’s that large swath of in-between gray area including the difference between spirituality vs religious (again my personal decision was far more a political than religious one), and the “you’re under their roof” bit. Whether for the holidays or any other occasion, the main difference between being a visitor and an under-age kid in their legal and spiritual charge, is huge. I am religious for balance. Maybe you can feel comfortable being your own man under your parents’ roof by accompanying them to church for a service, while clearly (and without heightened emotion) asking them not to try to recruit you back into the flock. Perhaps they will feel secure enough to allow you to be the same great son they love sans a family-sanctioned label you choose not to wear. I don’t know. You’ll just have to talk it out honestly (and with the love of mutual respect) amongst yourselves. This will all have been especially great if you have children of your own one day; maybe you’ll find you’re the gen religiosity skipped!

If there’s anything I’ve learned from being a functional adult child of functional parents, it’s that on the big issues like religion, suddenly everyone’s lost their damn minds and partying like it’s 1979. Instead, you all need to check your calendars and start a new conversation that reflects who you are today. Understand yourselves as individuals. Update your family dynamics. (Right, like when my progressive and religious mom says to my not going to church, “Oh I see,” then starts up about the importance of churchgoing again, to which I reply in my most emotionally whole and spiritual, adult and updated voice, “I see.” Sigh.) It’s all about the love — believe in that.

Respect!, brothah,

BadWitch

==

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When is In-office Fundraising Out of Bounds?

Posted on December 14, 2009 | 2 Comments

Everyholiday season request for donations go up. That’s expected for the Season of Giving, but what if your supervisor asks you to support his kids’ PeeWee endeavors all year long? Giving back some of your mind.     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a supervisor who always sells crap for his kids’ school. Where’s the line of obligation and suckerdom? — Diabetic Soon

==

Dear Diabetic Soon,

Ah!, office politics. Nice. Goes well with pie but little else. If you’re like most people you want to give a token of support to your supervisor, but don’t let this arrangement make you feel like you’ve been taken for a ride personally. Here’s my gently-used donation to you: be straight up with your supervisor. I would gently remind her/him of your salary’s limitations (especially in times like these when everyone’s (including school) budgets have been hard hit) by pointing out that if you supported every good cause you actually wanted to, there’s going to be a car wash to support you that s/he better show up to! Then I would state the annual cap on your willing support – whatever number you want to give and doesn’t impede your budget. If it feels easier for you to break that annual number out to quarterly giving (pre-chat, tally up your last year’s in-office donations and I think you’ll be shocked how much those “small contributions” added up to) then do so, not exceeding your own annual limit. Decide. Commit. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or ashamed that this amount that you worked so hard for, to give away to support someone else out of your sense of sharing, is too low or “not enough” – remember: zero is a viable option.

If, as you say, this supervisor feels so constantly free to cross the donation line at work, then s/he is either a very gung-ho but tunnel visioned parent, or s/he is A-ok with and willfully leveraging her/his power over you. Water seeks its depth and a supervisor who shows such little common sense or respect tends to languish at her/his own level (except at a company that mirrors such values; another subject).

If all that’s too much for you, then check your employee handbook or ask HR (you don’t have to mention names) what, if any, company policy there is governing in-office solicitations. Then helpfully share this newfound information with your supervisor as a supportive ‘I just found this out, too’-gift. Who knows, maybe s/he actually didn’t know.

All good things within limits,

BadWitch

==

Dear Diabetic Soon,

Well, I must state the obvious. Just because your supervisor is selling doesn’t mean you have to buy. Your boss’ fundraising for his kids school is much needed these days. School budgets have been cut to the bone. I know in my children’s school the amount of volunteer hours has gone up across the board, because the school does not have the resources they did, even last year.

That being said, your donation to the cause is not a requirement of employment. Don’t let guilt—or some misguided attempt to impress your boss—put a whole in your wallet or increase your sugar intake. I’m not suggesting you be a Scrooge, because, as I said, the school’s extra fundraising helps buy books, fund computers and, in some cases, keep sports and arts programs going. However, buy what works for you, not everything.

In donations, like living expenses, create a budget. Know how much you can afford to contribute to worthy causes. Then, decide how much of that you would like to forward to your supervisor’s fundraising activities. Spread out those buys over the year, choosing the one’s that intrigue you. You figure, chocolate can go in a gift basket at the holidays. I remember once we sold holiday candles, which works well for stocking stuffers or funny gifts for co-workers. Believe me, it’s an inside joke they’ll all get.

In others words, the little you do can help a lot. But give from a place of wanting to help, not wanting to suck up. The truth is, we can all tell when someone offers us something in some disingenuous bid to up their ranking. It’s called brown nosing and it’s not attractive. On the other hand, donating from the heart, caring about how the dollars are spent and how they help…that will give you big props with your boss—and karma points too. So, make your budget, then dig a little deeper and give from the heart.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, Universal Studios Home Distribution

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Of Guilty Feet and Married Men

Posted on December 10, 2009 | 5 Comments

Previously on: She’s in love with a married man. Oh the dram-mah! But wait for it…there’s more! Now he’s taking his marriage splitsville stress out on her. Oh no he didn’t! Stay tuned…     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I fell in love with a married man. Now that he’s separated from his wife, I’m regretting the decision because I didn’t see how much of his divorce stress he would be dumping on me because he left his wife for me. I feel obligated to stay. Do I stay or do I go? — Personal Clash

==

Dear Personal Clash,

Your being in a relationship with a guy (who left his primary one without a note from his wife) from whom you are asking us for permission to leave, is your answer itself.

Your question reminds me so much of the drama created by that media attention whore Jon Gosselin which got his +8 family-supporting show cancelled because that Ed Hardy-wearing, midlife crisis-on-a-skateboard tried to play hardball with his network bosses by not letting them shoot his kids — uh, the real subjects of the show — in “his” house. I’m saying: a dyed-in-the wool jackass always manages to be a jackass with or without you or anyone else’s help. The Way of the Hooves, baby. So get out of his Way, darlin’, and just let him wipeout Steve-O-style.

The regret you’re expressing is, to my ears, out-screaming the love you may have felt so strongly before. You already know this guy’s nothing but trouble – and sometimes what we love most is…trouble. Let’s not even go into your innocence on how stressful a divorce is under the most mutually ideal circumstances — consider this an advanced crash course in How Things Really Work . Honey, I’m sayin’, if he left her “for you,” then he potentially has no compunction to avoid doing the same thing to you sometime in the future. Let this child grow up and learn to deal with his own stress — caused and received — on his own. Which is very potentially how he’ll end up ultimately if he doesn’t. You like most of us, my cupcake, have your very own lessons to learn about boundaries, toxic relationships, devotion and love.You can thank your beast of burden for tilling this ground for you to plant better seeds for yourself.

Combat Rock Outta There,

BadWitch

==

Dear Personal Clash,

Well, you saw how things worked out for Jon and Haley, not to say your situation is that dysfunctional, but the similarities are glaring. First off, let me get this straight—you coveted someone else’s husband, may have instigated the break up of a family unit and now you’re upset because he’s laying his divorce stress at your door. So, where do you think that divorce stress belongs? You invited this drama into your life when you got involved with a married man.

I know that your saying you “fell in love,” is somehow suppose to make everything ok. No, it doesn’t. Someone else “fell in love” with that man and married him—set up a life with family ties, responsibilities, joint property and maybe even children. The fact that you allowed yourself into relationship with someone with that much baggage, means that you deserve to help rectify the stress caused by the dissolution of the marriage. Did you think breaking up a family would not be stressful? Did you think that because you loved him the other person in the marriage would just forgive and forget the betrayal, and infidelity and end the marriage without so much as a shrug of the shoulders?

Be serious. This relationship started off on Drama Island and was destined to keep traveling further inland for some time. Think of it as karma. You gave someone else a great deal of stress unexpectedly. Now there is some for you. The good news is your cheater, I mean, “love”, in the middle probably has about twice as much stress, from you, the soon-to-be ex wife and any friends and family that loved and appreciated her.

Now, if his stress is being dumped on you in physically abusive ways, GET OUT NOW! Move to a friends house take everything you want to take (of yours, of course) while he’s at work and do not look back. As it is, I want you to be clear about who it is you are in love with. Do you think he won’t cheat on you? Because history has already shown he may not be faithful in a marriage. AND, if you really believe you are so special, remember, so did one of the girls Tiger Woods was having an affair with. Her complaint, he cheated on her with even more women.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image, Roy Lichtenstein

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Scrooged! Ghost of Christmas Budget Got You Dispirited?

Posted on December 7, 2009 | 12 Comments

It’s baaack! Christmas gift giving season this year is especially challenging for many people. Turns out “budget” may be the new “charge!” Giving with chutzpah from the heart.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My hours at work were cut. I can’t afford the same presents for the holidays as I could before. I know this is stupid of me but I can’t help myself. I’m kind of ashamed. Do you have suggestions for gifts or how I can just relax about this? I know I’m being stupid.    — Less Mistletoe

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Dear Less Mistletoe,

No matter what you celebrate — Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Yule — there is going to be less greenery for many people this year. With, unemployment estimates at more than 15 million people and the number of cutbacks those lucky enough to keep their jobs, Santa will be delivering more tradition and less goodies. There is no reason to fee ashamed. You are trying your best to provide the best Christmas experience possible for your family.

This does not mean that you can’t enjoy a beautiful and bright holiday. On the contrary there are some great, less expensive ways to make the holiday bright. First off, know your budget. If you are spending money on a live Christmas tree — STOP! Invest in a nice artificial tree that you can reuse year after year. The savings will continue to feed your budget for years to come.

Mix homemade and store bought presents under the tree this year. Granddad and Grandmom will be quite happy with a scrapbook of pictures and art work from the kids. Trust me, big hit. Handmade handbags, pillowcases or sleeping bags for the Barbies are easy to sew and keepsakes you and the kids will treasure. Beaded jewelry, mosaic tiles for the garden, any number of easy to do crafts will delight your present openers.

For store bought gifts under the tree, I suggest online shopping CyberMondays for extra savings and check all brands for rebates before making your purchase. This can save you extra cash on big purchases. Also, check out coupons available online . Do your research. You may find what you want on EBay for less. Check second hand stores like CrossRoads Trading Company for high-end fashion items ready for a second life. Listen, no one will say no to a Kenneth Cole leather jacket in great condition because you found it used for under $40. A good buy is a good buy. Remember the old, “need to know basis” rule. For the most part, your giftees need not know.

Remember, Christmas isn’t about how much stuff you have to give or what you get. In truth, the best present you can give your family is your love and attention. It’s the gift Santa can’t bring that they will remember for years to come.

Happy Holidays,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Mistletoe less is more,

In the immortal words of my late night (TV, that is) boyfriend Craig Ferguson, “If you want to avoid the stress of Christmas, become Jewish.” In the best of times, the commercial holiday gift giving season can suck big shiny ornaments! “They” frame Black Friday as consumers supporting retail businesses supporting America. Really?, for once in your patriotic, generous life why not avoid the usual 11th Circle of Shopping Hell  and just give…of yourself?

I’ve been bestowed with some pretty darn nice gifts over my lifetime, but the ones that immediately pop to mind are the yummy tangerines in a cute (and no doubt inexpensive by the gross) wire basket I still use daily in my schmancy kitchen, and the hand-computer produced calendar another friend made for me. Beautiful!, and although it was gorgeous looking, I’m referring to the personal nature of the gift itself. Hate fruit? Untalented boob? Remember, some of the things we blow off because they come easily for us in life are the high quality gems of genius in other’s eyes. So just think about what comes naturally for you to create, do, enjoy eating, and those probably most accurately represent the authentic you that your friends and family know and love. DIY this Christmas. Write and gild a poem, or bind a short story. Pull together a themed photo CD of pictures taken on your phone camera. Create coupons for services you’re good at, auto repair, tech support, cooking or running time-saving errands. No time like the present. Get it?

Lastly, check your own gift receiving judgment before projecting it on others you’re giving to. Christmas with a budget doesn’t have to be feared.

It’s recess(ion) time,

BW

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Hook ups: Addiction, Dangerous or Just Fun?

Posted on December 3, 2009 | 3 Comments

Hook ups can be fun, they can be dangerous…which may be partially why some people find them fun. Either way, when they cross the line into addiction or abuse (of the self or done to you), they become a cry for help.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I am worried about one of my best girlfriends. We’ve known each other since grade school and she’s changing now. I’m really worried about her recent if-y hook ups. She seems addicted to them! I’m just worried about her safety, and do you think I should talk to her about this?  — Saftey Monitor

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Dear Safety Monitor,

Whether CL’s Casual Encounters, print personals, or at a random bar, if-y hook ups have been around since…Darwin’s days. Maybe it is all good for your friend and you’re right to be concerned for her safety. So I say heartily, Yes!, talk to her about it if you are genuinely concerned for her wellbeing and not just judging her. Stay on message. Here are some items you might consider talking to her about if her safety is what you’re truly concerned with:

- STDs and STIs like HPV

- Weirdos (stalker, dangerous harassing types)

- Assholes (abusers)

Now that the safety basics are out of the way, and this may or may not speak to your concern about “addiction” — I’m concerned when you say “she’s changing.” If this is a very sudden behavioral shift in an otherwise even individual, it’s possible she may have suffered a triggering traumatic event(s) and is acting out to express her feelings. A woman and I have been discussing the date rape subject recently, so that alarm bell is sounding off for me. Keep in mind your friend may not even consider it “rape” for a variety of reasons, and that it’s only one type of possible trauma. Trauma and abuse are complex things. It breaks my heart to hear girls and women say things like “…abusive relationships everyone has them,” or “I never thought someone like him would pay attention to me,” or “I didn’t realize that was abusive.” Hey, dolls (and lesser talked about, guys), long lasting relationships are work, but whether there, in dating or straight up hook ups, love should not hurt in the literal (physical or foundationally emotional) way. If it does, it’s very likely abusive in some way shape or form. If you or your friend don’t know or can’t tell if someone is abusive, check out the links I’ve provided here. In the end, you might find your friend’s if-y hook ups are just her choice whether you like it or not — better than someone else’s agenda forced on her to blackmail her for attention, affection or even love, which is what most abused people really want and need. Ladies, please please please value yourselves no matter what the relationships you enter look like on the surface.

Props for your responsibility and care for your friend. While many people actually do find hook ups fun and/or “a stage,” they can also become an addiction and sexual addiction is a very complex arena, which requires professional help for proper diagnosis, guidance to a positive outcome.

Safety first,

BW

==

Dear Safety Monitor,

Well, to properly answer this question, I feel like I need to know what you mean by “if-y” hook ups. I mean, is she picking up stray men on the street? Bar hook up one night stands? Not having safe sex?

I’m going to assume that if-y or not, this girl understands that having a bag full of condoms can allow her to hook up another day. If she is not having safe sex, give her the truth—blunt, straight up. HIV is not the only issue of unprotected sex. Genital warts, pre-cancerous cells that never leaves your body, just lie dormant waiting — available now through unprotected sex. New studies coming out regarding HIV now show that, yes, the cocktail works, HIV is not necessarily a death sentence—except the survivors are aging at an accelerated rate. So alzheimers, heart attacks, all the fun of aging can be yours now — also through unprotected sex. Yell, scream, take her to buy condoms, but make sure she’s not THAT stupid for a hook up.

Now, if she’s picking up stray guys on the street or in bars, as seems to be a 20-something right of passage for many, and you think she’s addicted to these hook-ups, there is a deeper question at work. Your friend may be experimenting or she may be experiencing grief or sadness and expecting some guy to prove to her she’s worthy because he’s chosen her. This is dangerous in a number of ways. First, physical safety, be sure you know where she is. Tell her to take a pic of the guy she’s grooving off with and text to you or some other friend. The guy who won’t let her take a pic, she should cross off her pick up list—no matter how hot. Think no pic, vampire, pick another. We are talking guys, another if-y hook up could be 3-5 minutes away.

The deeper issue is that your friend is running herself down to herself. If she is experimenting, she should be careful there are no lasting scars — on her spirit. The energy of being chosen can be heady and make you feel special — the energy of being left in the morning, in the middle of the night — not so special. Those rejection scars do not heal easily. Help her feel better about herself and who she deserves to be with. She may be settling because she does not believe she’s worthy. Be a friend and help her see the amazing treasure she is. In short, the yoni is sacred and every time you give it away with less care than you would a handshake, you scar yourself. Besides, it’s way more satisfying to make them wait and work for it. That is when you really feel chosen and special. Help her love herself enough not to hook up.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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