Wallflower Power: A Party, No Noise Complaints

Q: How many wallflowers does it take to screw up a conversation? A: *. The insensitive extrovert will do it all by himself. If it Takes All Kinds to Make the World Go ‘Round, then let’s Get This Party Started by letting those Wallflowers Rebel, Sweetheart.      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My husband is an extrovert and always makes us go to these parties. I’m a bit shy and not good at talking to new people. When we drive home he gets mad at me for being a stick in the mud. How can I overcome?  — Stuck Between a Loud & Muddy Place

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Dear Stuck,

We all think the world is exactly as we see it. Your hubby, as well as yourself. Me, too! As an extrovert, I’ve been surprised how many shy, quiet or introverted of you are, ironically, coming out of the woodwork to us here. I’m feeling like this is some kind of cool, UN-y opportunity to make the world a better place through understanding our opposites more. Read on if you agree but…

Warning! You are entering ConfrontationLand. First off, that’s a joke because most whole extroverts don’t think of talking or even strongly debating as “confrontation” and I just want you to recognize and know that right now, before moving on. Don’t anticipate pain or a blow up just because you will be simply stating your mind as an equal adult. This is your current relationship today, we’re talking about. Which brings me to why you say “always makes us go” as though you don’t have a choice. Do you truly not have one (a fundamental and serious relationship problem), or do you think, choose and therefore create this inopportunity-reality for yourself (your changeable perspective (Changing Perspective chapter))? On his side, it really bugs me that he chides you for being yourself when you’re going home. There is so much Lifetime movie fodder here! — instead, I want you to talk to him straight up, since the self-absorbed loudmouth apparently needs telling or reminding that you are less outgoing than him and always have been. That this sort of social interaction with strangers makes you feel uneasy and pushes your insecurities. And because you know he loves you so much, you know he doesn’t realize you feel like this when he insensitively insists that you go to these things. [Then take a picture of his face and email it to me.]

Rather than “fixing” either of your innate natures (or personal agendas) here, I’m going to recommend a first step of awareness through compromise. For example only, if he agrees to let you pick and choose which parties you’ll attend with him, then you promise to go to half of them. Or maybe you two can agree to stay no longer than two hours at these things. Then on your drive home develop a new habit, ga-head!, tawk amongst ya’selves and nightcap it off with a chat about something you both enjoy doing together (travel, movies, book sharing, cooking…anything!). The object here is simply to visualize pleasantries together, together. Gawd, if this bonding gets you both feeling equally loquacious, make next plans to do it!

Keep focused on the fact that you opposites came and work together as a team for a reason.

It’s yin and yang,

BW

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Dear Stuck Between,

Don’t be a wallflower! It’s time to allow yourself to shine. I realize that our society seems to exalt the shy, willowy girl, but in real life that won’t even work on the runway. You want to feel comfortable at parties? Take back your power and be the strong, beautiful you that you are.

Parties are meant for communing with fellow humans. It is a ritual for you, not for you to impress someone else. Go into parties with the goal that you will be you. You will do what feels good to you and inspires you. Think of a few conversations you would be interested in talking about, i.e. Project Runway. Then practice a few opening lines. Don’t think of this as a script, because cheesy opening lines are no better for parties than pick ups. But practicing the lines will help you feel comfortable with what you would like to communicate.

Now, get grounded. Deep breathes. That pull in your belly is a combination of anxiety and excitement. Let you mind connect with that excitement—the part of you that wants to meet cool, friendly people that you really like. This is your opportunity! Enter the room scanning the people. SMILE. It’s not about them accepting you or approving of you. It’s about you being happy, you making new friends, you having a good time.

New people are friends you have yet to meet. Reach out and be yourself. If you have to imagine them in their underwear to do it, so be it. Think, how did you meet your husband? At some point you talked to someone you didn’t know—and it worked for you. The new people you meet may be interesting enough for your interest, and maybe not. It’s like an interview, you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. Is it a good fit?

Breathe. Love you and let you shine. You have a beautiful, individual perspective that you want to share and others want to receive. Do not let insecurity and fear make you a wallflower. Rise above. You are the belle of the party if you believe it. And the more you practice, the easier it is to believe.

Shine on,

GoodWitch

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Image, Karin Lowney-Seed

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