Good Witch / Bad Witch

Whether rockin’ that cradle or back to working the job, we’ve all had second thoughts about major decisions we’ve made. Sometimes even a good home girl’s just gotta flee the crib to feel herself again.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I recently had a baby and chose to be a stay at home mom. My question is wrapped around guilt, did I shortchange myself, does this mean I don’t love my kids, and then there’s the resentment in my marriage that suddenly shifted to one person having a little more power and decision making. I am just regretting, regretting…everything and nothing!  — Pot of Regret

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Dear Pot of Regret,

Stop beating yourself up! How on Earth could you have known you would not enjoy life as a stay at home mom? You cannot know until you try. Now you just need to balance out what you enjoy about the at home mom role and perhaps balance out a bit of the stay.

You are not shortchanging your kids because you are not June Cleaver. Let’s face it, June probably wasn’t that happy. A valium prescription does not make a good mommy. Figure out what you love and create a schedule that works for you and the family.

When I tried to be a stay at home mom after my first child, I went nuts. I loved my daughter, but by God how many times can you count toes and sing the choo-choo song? I wanted more. I, too, also noticed the slip of spending power out of my hands. “I’m making the money. I should have the final say.” I don’t agree. Neither, I believe would a court, but I digress. For me, there was a general sense of malaise, an idea that my personal worth could be summed up in successful naps and diapers changes. This does not mean I love my kids any less. It does mean, however, I cannot attempt to raise happy kids if I am unfulfilled and unhappy in trying to take care of them.

Part time work or shared jobs that allow you to balance your time away from home are excellent substitutes for this full time stay at home mom routine. And, of course, any work you can do from home (telecommuting) is ideal. But I tell you now it is a challenge to balance phone meetings and crying babies.

In short, stop the regret. Now you have enough information to make a decent decision. Now, pick yourself up. Make a decision about what you want and get started. You as a fulfilled, empowered mom makes for happier, well adjusted children.

Where there’s a will. There is a way,

GoodWitch

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Dear Pot of Regret,

Yo, mama, give yourself a break! You are nose-deep in a sea of changes including new and heightened excitement, hormones, emotions and real world concerns.  What obviously is working for you here is your big brain that is you trying to take care of yourself. Guilt schmilt, this is you thinking things through, considering the angles. Unfortunately you’ve also got that grey noodle working against you in the over-thinking department. Let’s try to get your worries transferred out and some more innate talent promoted here.

First stay calm. You’re in a big change of life, lifestyle and life stage. And then…you’re in the midst of the “life” you had been anticipating for months, but had no experience with – how would you know until you tried? Uncharted territory is often a scary place — three or four of them at once can easily feel like your very own Bermuda Triangle. Separate out all the different aspects of your life and see how you feel about each: woman, wife, mother, and this new employment status. As a woman it’s great you had the opportunity to check out whether you will continue to want to be a stay at home mom. You’ll get to know your child and vice versa – and yourself!, you’re learning on your own curve. This chapter of your life could add to your depth and give your character some texture you couldn’t learn in school. As a wife, you and hubster should honestly discuss your real concerns – especially around the shift in your dynamic. I personally would never enter this shift without voicing my concerns that I need to maintain equal voices in all things financial (whatever that looked like in your relationship before). If your finances are shared equally, this makes this conversation a tad easier. As a new mother you’re learning all sorts of things you didn’t know you had to learn. Both my parents always worked outside the home and I was a latchkey kid early on with a ton of (eyes-on, hands-off “village”) supervision – in me, it nurtured a sense of self-reliance against an unbroken context of love and support. Hope you learn you deserve to be happy somewhere between homeroom and home ec because you’ll impart that lesson to your kids.

Finally, some or none of your situation needs to look like it does today, forever. No need to have or keep regret when you’re still early out on this journey, stay at home mom. Be positive through right focus and happy in this lovely time! Having goals for yourself (examples only: stay at home for first three years; volunteering or going back to school, etc.) yet staying fluid in life is key. No one but you will know best what’s right for you and your family – but you have to be truthful with yourself at each turn. There’s no set map for where you’re going, mama mia.

Go forth, explorer,

BW

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Image, Missy Vix ^TM