Yeah, and don’t drive while doing them, either. When is it time to take the keys to your relationship away from a frenemy, and what if you’re losing people in your life because of what you’ve done? — BadWitch
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — I have had to ask if I’m losing friends lately because of something I have done, or whether these are just toxic relationships and people that needed to go anyway. Oftentimes, I give and give and end up feeling like I get nothing in return from friends who call only when they want something. Or am I doing something wrong? — A Good Friend
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Dear Good Friend,
Frenemies. Can’t live with ‘em, just wanna kick ‘em to the curb. Speaking of shoes, does anyone remember that shoe nut job Imelda Marcos singing ‘Don’t Fence Me In’ for Reagan back in the ‘80s? This is my immediate association/Rorschach test-like response to your question. If ya need it in one word: Boundaries. Look it up. Set some. Maintain them.
Cutie, sometimes our oldest or so-called “best friends” are our worse enemies second only to ourselves. While yes!, you sound like you needed to de-tox some (outgrown) toxic relationships (and that’s a favor worthy of you sending them a green food cupcake as a Thank You!) for a while now — let’s talk about when you’re your own worst enemy.
…Like enabling friends who always want or need something from us but don’t actually care to reciprocate; or maybe when you’re really only doing things for people to win their acknowledgement and approval; or the moldiest, most toxic of all is when we have a long-time frenemy from our childhood usually, who insists on festering on “how things were” or “you’ve always” etc. non-relevant to your adult selves. Again, your worst frenemy is YOU when you allow these so-called relationships to continue long past their Use By date.
Breaking up is Hard to Do. Above all, relationships are to help us learn about ourselves and grow to better help and interact with others, you know, evolve. And they are a two-way street. Tell toxic people in no uncertain yet non-blaming terms, that you feel it is in your mutual best interest to take a break from each other. This is not a rejection of their core self! Tell ‘em that you both, Circle One: a) have grown apart and no longer have a cementing common interest/link bonding you; b) aren’t holding up the poles of the relationship equally or with much passion anymore; or c) simply aren’t bringing the best out in each other anymore. Easy for BadWitch to say you grumble – yes it is, but I really have written or said these things to a couple of folks from my child- to adulthood with surprisingly good results for everyone. Post shocked bitchfest there’s been Relief! Mutual respect! A sense of forward movement again. …Ahh….! Not all relationships are meant to be forever. Straight up and simple.
Finally, having consistent, clear self-respecting boundaries is not the same as being rigid, shut down or “mean.” In fact, having true self-respecting boundaries helps you avoid being all those other things! And maybe even learn how to be…a true friend. Hey, if the shoe fits…
Sample size 6,
BW
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Dear Good Friend,
I have one word for you: boundaries. Respect them, know yours and act accordingly.
You have somehow blurred the lines between martyr and friend, even though those two should never cross. The decision to help a friend should come from the heart, not some unbalanced sense of responsibility. If you find yourself in relationship where you are giving and giving and seemingly getting nothing in return, I have to ask why are you in the relationship and why do you care if it’s over?
Of course, I must point out that the tallying up good deeds aspect of the question sounds very much like a Manipulate (a.k.a. Influential) stress type. Manipulates are big-hearted, lovable souls who just want to feel loved in return. They will go above and beyond to make someone else feel good. However, this need to please has an unspoken tally on the backside. The Manipulates expect others to receive as many unasked, good deeds from the other person. Of course, this is classic co-dependant behavior. The receiver of the “good deeds” did not ask for the favor, but now is unwittingly in debt for said “favor.”
If this is what you are doing in your relationships, stop it! You are the toxic component.
Favors and good deeds should be done with a willing, open heart. If you cannot give from that place, don’t do it. If you are intuiting what someone might like or enjoy and do it for them because you want to give them joy, excellent. But you cannot expect they will do the same for you. No one in your life should be forced to regularly prove that they care about you. Care for yourself. If you have good deeds left over after, then share openly and willingly with no worries about repayment. Think of the philanthropists who donate thousands of dollars anonymously. They give from the heart and receive the joy of having done something nice for someone else.
If, however, you find yourself overextended because you are constantly expected to take care of friends, then you might be more of an Endure type, who really needs to learn how to say “no.” It is important to realize, if someone asks for your help and all the energy seems to be sapped from your body with the question, say “no.” Your body is trying to tell you that this request has stepped past your boundaries. If you feel angry when the request is placed, say “no,” and realize your emotions are telling you that you are not feeling respected.
If there are people in your life who are not showing up for the relationship you share, let them fall away. As my mother used to say, “I can do bad all by myself.” If, however, your expectations are out of alignment, erase the tally sheet in your head and start over. Give only what you want to give and no more. Self-preservation is not the same as selfish.
Believe in yourself and the people who believe in you will follow,
GoodWitch
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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.
© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.
Wonderful post, I like your impressive blog, found you on FP.
Erin – Seems like that yoga class had you work out more than just some stretches, and that sweat was more de-toxing than you signed up for. Right on, chick. Keep going with your healthier realizations and resulting relationships. Good work! – BadWitch
Thank you for this post! Thank you times a million! I came here from OP and toxic friendships are something I have been thinking about for some time now. I recently let go of a friend (we sort of drifted apart naturally and I let it happen, gladly to be honest) because she spent 99% of her time talking about one thing: other people. And not in a nice way. I finally hit the wall when we took a yoga class together. I was super into it, but all she wanted to discuss after each class was how much the guy next to her was sweating and how gross it was. I had no idea who was next to me, I was so focused on surviving the class and all the wonderful changes I felt in my body after each practice.
I have no idea why I wrote all that. It just came pouring right out of me. I think I was stressed about ending the friendship, that it was mean of me to do so, but I hereby release myself of the guilt I am carrying. It was the right thing to do for me. Thank you both so much for the wonderful insight.
Kitten V – absolutely! Send questions to: *coaching@stillsitting.net*. Thanks!
- I think for some, there might be a slight misunderstanding of the intended message. We are certainly NOT saying kick all friends to the curb, just the toxic relationships in your life that hold you back, don’t help or allow you to grow, or are otherwise depleting your energy (and literally your life force) and not adding positively to it.
- Many if not most of the relationships in our lifetime are not meant to be from birth-to-death (and may not be toxic!), but rather support us situationally (i.e., school teachers, childhood friends, co-workers, boy-/girlfriends, et al)
- Not all relationships are UNable to grow and evolve with you throughout life (i.e., some familial, friends, to life partners).
These are our opinions and from my personal experience as a Wellness/Life coaches, independent woman, wife, daughter, sister, corporate manager, all the roles I’ve filled. Hope this helps.
Marriage is the same way which is why I don’t believe in it. We all outgrow most people at same point but there’s nothing sad about it, in fact, we learn what we need to learn from them and vice versa and eventually it’s time to go…
Thanks for the advice though. A friend (hmm) brought it to my attention as we were discussing via email toxic friendships. Since you are giving advice, can I submit to you a question on as similar related topic?
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I rather have a heartbrakeing love, than never love at all..
Breaking up is hard to do… So is getting your ex back, but sometimes ya gotta do both.
Keep up the awesome post’s!
tristenroyal.wordpress.com
p.s- The picture, and title are perfect!
I am most loving that we are seeing a great group of self-loving and -respecting people here. Life evolving is a process. We are all at different levels but the same old class plans (!); it’s up to all of us to help each other, I believe. Empower yourselves with love. Keep on going, my peeps!
Thanks! It came at the very right time u won’t trust the same happened wid me n im goin thru a real bad state of mind,mine closest buddy also rated as ur narrated character’Manipulate’ n though i also fit in all the aforementioned n im also able to visualize myself n empathize wid SSSI its 100% common case wid me ! god knws whyy ppl have to do this
I like that good witch
Excellent advice. I’ve had a few toxic friends and found many blessings dumping them. They were bringing me down and not walking beside me.
Out of the 1oo remaining you pick about 5 to 10 people who are in the rite time in their lives where they can act as a friend. Take their advice to heart and learn what you can do to attract the type of people you want into your life.
You’ll get better at this very quickly and find a special person much faster with the help of these few people who know you well.
Out of the 100 people you will find about 10 who are at the right time in their lives to act as a friend.
Take the time to develop each of these new people as friends and see if after 3 to 6 months you feel better around them. Then learn what about them makes you feel better.
Repeat the above process until you find someone you have affection for that matches these characteristics that give you peace.
Best Wishes
The trick here is to let someone get to know you that has your best interest at heart. Then let that person critique your interactions with others.
I have had a 500 person rule for finding people that are friends. Meet 500 new people any way you can, church, school, the grocery store, etc. Out of that you will meet about 100 people who are impressed with you. Out of that about
Good post! It probably came right in time for me. I realised that within my clique, toxicity built up over the past few months and it probably may be summarised with the word “jealousy” as well, on top of all the things discussed in the blog. I was so close to a friend that I gained trust from because I wanted to change him and get him to open up because I found out that his life has been shadowed by taunting, teasing, pranking and joking about him being him in the past. I managed to do it and we became very very close friends, or so I thought.
Until a few months ago, he got close to another friend and he was extreme in the way he cared for the other friend and I have never seen him giving me this kind of care before, and it made me feel that I had been giving too much and not receiving anything (sign of ignored boundaries). A lot of quarrelling came about amongst the few of us about and with them, yet I never noticed that it could be yet another toxic friendship.
One day I fell out with this ‘close friend’ and he could say things to me like, “I never forced you to be my friend”, “I never forced you to tell me things”, “I don’t trust you as much”, and things that you would never expect a true friend to say to you, which got me really really hurt. Then I had a long thought about it and after reading this blog, I realised that I may well be just another stepping stone for him and vice versa for me.
So I made the decision to give less, expect less, and just let things be the way it would turn out without forcing the friendship to go anywhere. It’s a painful decision to make, but yet a necessary one for myself, if not for everyone’s well-being. And also to prevent myself from getting hurt even further. I’ll spread the word to others and hopefully they’ll benefit from this as well! Thanks again!
Yes, I have had to leave some “friends” as well. I felt like a great great high school friend of mine was always talking about himself: His job, his jacuzzi, his apartment, his dirt bikes and so on. One time, he called me after we had not talked in over a year, and he failed to ask me ONE QUESTION ABOUT ME.
This hurt and so I never called him after that. He called me that time. But, I learned something about myself. I learned that HE WAS ALWAYS THIS WAY. He always always talked only about himself. When we were in high school, college, and beyond, he had always talked about himself.
I had an unrealistic expectation that he would somehow turn into what I wanted him to be. No. People usually stay what they are and what they want to be. Change is hard. Motivation must be high for people to make permanent, lasting changes.
I must choose friends more carefully so that my feelings do not get hurt, and so that I am not left feeling like I am not getting what I NEED in return.
When times with a “friend” (or any other dysfunctional relationship; e.g., work-related) are tough, picture BadWitch sitting on your shoulder whispering, “Life is for the living! Don’t leak energy holding up this dead weight.” The relationship I mean. Be true to yourself, be happy.
mulling over a question, clicked and presto the answers popped out at me… just ended one relationship – a long overdue end… now bracing up to end another one, also too far done and gone, well past it’s sell by date… no… no more rotting carcasses in my cupboard please!!
thx for ur post…
I have to agree with everyone. I have had some friendships like that and it’s not fair. However, I did confront them about it and in the end I set boundaries and now I’m closer to my friends and no one takes advantage of the other anymore. I did lose a couple of friends but the ones that stuck with me more than make up for the others. Thanks!
The hard part is when you tell someone that the friendship is over because you feel they just abuse it to their own gain and they start a big drama on how can you do that to them.
That’s definitly a recipe for destruction.
Excellent advice. I’ve had a few toxic friends and found many blessings dumping them. They were bringing me down and not walking beside me.
thank you! That was indeed very helpful to me. Hit home in many ways.
sad, but it is a fact of life, some friends are good in one stage of life, but as life changes and grows many of those friends either want to stay in the same place or go in another direction, and it can be obvious the destruction this can cause; but you can redefine a friendship and not just trash it altogether.
i agree with everything here. excellent blog!
Breaking up is hard to do. Friends or boyfriends…
http://www.theprettyproject.com
It’s so true, all the things you’ve written down here… And what’s amazing is, that we usually KNOW these things, and do understand it but something prevents us from getting rid of the harming people. “Evolve” is the right word. The first sign of maturity and evolving is the self-acknowledgment that a certain relationship is passe and it can only harm but bring no good… We’re afraid to hurt other people and we forget that it’s OUR life, here and now, and nobody will thank us in 10, 20 years for “sparing” somebody’s feelings… So true, so simple and yet so hard to do…
Liked your post, have a great day!
Thank you, Gry! We started as total fun for ourselves and it quickly & easily rolled into our (work & life) philosophy of helping other people. Please feel free to spread the RSS love. So happy to be of service. — BW
true true true:) good job, fantastic blog