Living Wills. Quality of Life Matters.

Do you know someone who’s not going to die?, or if they’re lucky, get older in the mean time? Nope. Then you should ideally take care of business now. Not everyone needs everything. Here are a few of those confusing life and death documents and what they mean to you.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Can you tell me what a Living Will is and why I need one? What does “durable” power attorney mean? My brother, sister and I are starting to have to deal with aging parents and these types of phrases keep coming up. I normally feel control in life, but it’s scary stuff.  — Diligent Daughter

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Dear Diligent Daughter,

I’m not an attorney, but a decade ago successfully lobbied all the parents in my family to get Living Wills and Living Trusts while no one was ill and money was no issue. Everyone involved is happier now and breathing just a tad easier knowing these tools are in place. But it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not just seniors who benefit. The definitions around Wills and Trusts can be confusing so I’ll try to give just the most basic explanations here.

Living Wills -  (also known as Advanced Healthcare Directives) written legally binding instructions given for care in case of incapacitation or grave illness. Some people who are great candidates for a Living Will: parents of young and underage children, pet guardians/owners, people with disease-inclined family medical histories.

Living Trust – is to protect your assets you want transferred to heirs and avoid Probate. Each state sets its own minimum asset level, below which there is no Probate. Not everyone needs a Living Trust. In other words this is to avoid higher death taxation rates and property and/or assets tied up in court for years.

Durable Power of Attorney – allows an individual to name someone to act in their stead in legal or business matters. Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, or Healthcare Proxy Appointment are what they sound like, someone named to act on behalf of an incapacitated individual in healthcare decisions.

Trustee – legal term referring to an individual holder of property on behalf of a beneficiary. Most people name themselves, but can name another party(-ies, who must also accept the responsibility legally) in the event they are unable or refuse to act on their own behalf (i.e., a less capable surviving spouse).

All this was clear as mud for me the multiple times the various types of documents were explained to me and I’m not easily intimidated — but believe me, once you have to deal with this, you won’t likely be confused again. I was naively surprised (it’s “just business”) the hot buttons pushed and how emotional this talk made everyone involved. Death, taxes, illness, aging and family dynamics (when they’re healthy!) aint’ easy, how’s-the-weather subjects! But don’t allow this to let you wait until you are forced to learn it — potentially a very expensive lesson, plus you will be stressed out and less able to focus then. Do some research and chat with professionals (most will give you some level of free consultation) take care of business now when money and health of family members is not an issue. Talking about quality of life (e.g., DNRs), and money openly and honestly as a family or other related unit is not rude, greedy or “for rich people,” but to be highly functional and responsible to each other and yourself. Once it’s all squared away, your happy family will be able to enjoy each other the most it ever was able to…

Striving for Less Stress, More Life…eternally,

BW

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Dear Diligent Daughter,

Living wills and power of attorney will help you stay in control. This, I can speak to with certainty, having just put all this into place for my parents.

My father was entering the hospital for serious surgery. Though, at 85 any surgery is serious. We realized then that we needed to clarify which child would take care of legal/financial concerns and who would take the lead with doctors. We coordinated all this to make it easier to divide the onslaught of work necessary to coordinate selling their house, moving them into assisted living, etc.

Once those details were coordinated, we focused on getting living wills in place to ensure that should any sudden crisis emerge we were ready. We did not want to wait until something happened and we were all too emotional to think clearly. Since we had established that I should interface with doctors and my sister would handle legal/financial, we easily split tasks. She put together the living will. I was named as the person who would make medical decisions.

We also had the opportunity to talk to our parents NOW to be sure we knew their wishes. Did they want doctors to go to any length to keep them alive if, God forbid, something should happen? What we discovered from these conversations is that even my parents were not on the same page. My mother was willing to go to any lengths to keep my father alive, though my father did not want to be resuscitated if it meant he would be on life support. We were able to talk these very difficult issues through, as a family, and come up with a plan that everyone could agree on. If you don’t have these conversations you cannot expect the rest of your family to know your wishes.

In the end, dividing the work has been great. My parents’ doctors, nurses, etc. knew I was the person to speak to. I even got a call from my mother’s home care nurse on her first day so we could discuss what she was needed to help with beyond checking vitals, etc. Also, now as we note some inconsistencies in my mother’s ability to deal with bills and other day-to-day issues, we are more able to step in (power of attorney granted to sister) to take care of this business. Funny enough, my dad’s nurses called me the Medical Advocate so many times some of them forgot I was his daughter as well. I didn’t mind if it meant my dad got all the care he needed—which he has.

Listen, living wills and power of attorneys are scary because none of us want to think of our parents as getting older and needing to be cared for. These are our providers. But I can tell you, it is immensely satisfying to know that our parents provided for—no matter what unforeseeable events happen down the road. Once the initial flurry of paperwork and research is done, you’ll feel better and back in control too.

GoodWitch

Photo by Janet Leadbeater.

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