Too Shy Shy, Hush Hush, Eye to Eye

I was a quiet kid in school. But my mind was always going. Nine out of 10 times when I say this, people laugh. BadWitch, shy?!, they scoff incredulously. Quiet is not synonymous with shy, but loud usually is with obnoxious. How to be a little less…ahem, reserved.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW — I’m shy. Help me. Thanks.  — Few Words

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Dear Few Words,

Many shy folks are shy not because they don’t like people or are people of “few words” as much as they fear how they will be received. I myself find that I must overcome shyness, especially in new situations, because I am afraid of giving the wrong impression. And if you only get one chance to make a first impression…

I have been working my Love Me muscle. I have seen firsthand that if I am really feeling confident and balanced within myself, I do not censor myself. I speak up, with actually funny and witty interjections, because I allow myself to be the relaxed and irrepressible me. So how do I work the love muscle? I remind myself every morning and before every possible interaction that I am fun and wonderful and, yes, gosh darn it, people like me. After a week or so of constant reminders (including notes on slips of paper that my eyes may fall across at any time), I take my work-out to the next level. I start up short conversations with complete strangers I know I will never see again.

That’s right, I chat up and leave complete strangers in the grocery store, on BART, the post office line, wherever. I get the chance to practice light conversation techniques so I can feel more comfortable speaking. I know I will never see them again, so what’s the worry. If I don’t make a stellar impression, who cares? I’m polite and nice, so I don’t worry about offending anyone purposefully or ending up in the tabloids years from now when I’m rich and famous. If I make them smile or laugh, I can still feel more confident about moving past my shyness proclivities. If they are unimpressed, again, who cares. I’ll never see them again. I still pat myself on the back for getting out there and working the muscle.

Remember that you are uniquely you and no one else on Earth experiences life from your perspective. That means your input is valuable. Share it. Share you. Remind yourself how great you are, because you are. You are no less worthy of being respected and heard than any other person on the Earth. I now realize that I am just as worthy a human before God as any other person whether they have been presidents, queens, rich or poor. And so I speak…and type my opinions to the world. Why not? If I don’t share myself the rest of the world misses out, but more importantly, I do.

Happy Work Out!

GoodWitch

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Dear Few Words,

Props to you for putting yourself out there with just the right amount of words to ask for help! Since you’re plain old-fashioned “shy” let’s just focus on your social awkwardness/skills (and not the multitude of possible reasons for social anxiety (from medical, cultural, to even dietary (see our Tips & Inspiration page here). You can modify your behavior in the simplest and effective ways so more of us get to know you.

Stress (from past experiences, or low self-confidence) is the hinge most social shyness revolves around. To have meaningfully and sustainably less stress around your social interactions, you can learn some essential methods to reset how you think about your experiences and Change Your Perspective (chapter 4) for the positive.

Bonus!, here are a couple easy to remember ways to relax yourself and get in the game.

Do:

• Breathe! Oxygenate your brain, other organs and center your body all in a few deep cleansing breaths

• Be approachable. Don’t hide behind a book, crossed arms, or other barriers that tell people “go away”

• For casual run-ins with friends or associates, have some timely items at the top of your mind that are conversation openers, e.g., where’s good to eat?; weekend activity suggestion/report; or actual news item(s). For more formal (not necessarily “heavy”) interactions, have a basic question prepared. Don’t script things, just have a general direction for conversation to flow, i.e., (work) I really like these new computers, do you?;  (personal) how are the kids (or dating) going?

Remember:

• Our assertive and outgoing culture tends to devalue quiet types, and labels them “shy.” It’s good and OK to be true to yourself and personality without letting its most internal aspects hinder you out in the world

• Every interaction does not need to be at a 10 level of intensity; sometimes a simple “hi” and a smile of recognition or present-ness is all that is appropriate or necessary

• Everywhere you go, there you are, so why not choose to be happier to meet yourself there?

Just because I’m trying to help you get over your social reluctance, know that I don’t ask you to confuse more talking with quality content. Saying what you mean when you mean it is the key. Be you, only feel freer to share yourself with confidence, Few Words.

Chatty Cathy is just a babbler,

BW

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