Broken Heart: Transplant Wanted

It’s not that your blood Type is so rare, they just haven’t developed a surgery for your ailing, broken heart. When love not only tears and rips your heart, but does a stomping River Dance on your mind, too.    — Bad Witch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – Right now the deepest question I have is how do I learn to let go of the hurt and anger behind the fact that my wife not only cheated on me once, but three different times (first time, around our 20th wedding anniversary, which I spent months in advance planning, and while I was still grieving for the loss of my father and spending a couple hundred grand building her her dream house). — Deeply Hurt

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Dear Deeply Hurt,

Clinically speaking: Wow. There might be no hurt like the deep, sucking chest wound of true betrayal by someone who has professed love for you once. But I bet the last 20 years was fraught with a lot of…uh, life…between you two — whether you were both equally and simultaneously present and/or participating, or not. Without looking at your potty trainings, nor her inevitable laundry list of victimizations by/in life, I see this woman as very hurt, self-loathing and emotionally-underdeveloped to such a degree and scope that she went out of her way to use the Don’t Get Mad Get Even tips she gleaned from watching brutally endless ‘Dynasty’ and ‘Bad Girls’ marathons. If only she c-/would have simply said, “No,” or, “No more,” to you and your relationship. Instead, those are her skills. Just keep this in mind (not excuse) about who you are dealing with. It can potentially help half some of your anguish and stress.

She’s not likely to get there soon, so I will say to you I’m very sorry for your pain, Deeply. Even if you were the world’s biggest over-compensator or jerk (which I am not saying!), her responses and premeditated actions just shout loudly and publicly for all innocently standing by to get whacked in the back of the head with, “SEE ME! NOW!” And, Deeply, this rebel yell(s) of hers has far more to do with her than it ever will you.

But rather than letting go and putting behind, just stand still. Not in catatonia. Do your daily living, all the little steps we must all take to get up out of bed, and into the world. Take a shower (literally and figuratively) and as many as you will need, Deeply. Go into a very therapeutic one step-at-a-time mode and take care of your business. When you’re ready, you will want to look at what it was originally that attracted (beyond the physical) you to this woman to chose her to build a life with. Own your own needs (vs. Wants, as I always say). Protracted, self-indulgent navel gazing isn’t good for you, but taking honest stock always is, maybe talking to an effective psychological or spiritual professional will help you get clearer – when you are ready. Down the road. One day you will turn around and see how far your one step at a time trek took you. Just be good to and take it easy on yourself, say “No” appropriately, embrace your hurt and experience, and then…allow them to expand and become more you!

Blessings on the road,

BW

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Dear Deeply Hurt,

It seems trite to write a two-minute answer to what is clearly a deep wound. I can offer you some advice as a Wellness Coach and a Stress Management Expert, but it is my experience as a survivor of adultery that will probably come through the loudest.  Am I still healing from my pain almost 4 years later? Yes, but it is no longer a palpable memory popping up around every corner. Now it is the source of information that helps me make better choices. I tell you this just because when you’re in it, you need to know it won’t last. And it won’t.

The first steps to recovery from marital betrayal is much like recovering from the death of someone you love. There is grief and anger. The world we knew—isn’t anymore. Allow yourself to wallow for a time. Yelling out the pain is very cathartic. I suggest finding land in the middle of nowhere or a largely sound-proofed room and yelling all the profanity and indignities you may or may not have allowed yourself to express before now. Let the anger and grief come up and out like audio bile. “Better out than in, I always say.”

Once you’ve released a good round of emotion, imagine a fresh breeze blowing it all away out of you, out of the space around you and right out of your life. See all the audio-bile float heavenward for recycling. It floats right out of your life.

Sounds, woo-woo-hippy-tree-hugger? Try ancient practice and scientifically effective guided visualization. You will literally feel better and lighter. Right now you are holding a grudge, self-victimization, unforgiveness and self-righteous indignation all wrapped up in that anger. Rightly so—but those corrosive emotions come with chemical releases in the body that are just as deadly. As you scream out the audio-bile, you are changing the chemicals released in the brain.

Try another visualization as a regular exercise. Everyday, picture the timeline of your life, stretching forward into the distance. Focus in on the period where you were with your wife. Imagine a beautiful golden light that appears around this period of time. Watch the gold light seep into, through and around the timeline. This light is cleaning, clearing and balancing your emotional attachments, beliefs and out of balance energies. Believe it or not, doing that once a day, every day for a week or two will start to shift you to the actual acceptance and recovery part of the process.

Rely on your friends and the people you love. Don’t cut yourself off from other sources of affection because you fear being hurt again. As you allow yourself to be supported, whether with dinner, kind words, a good beer or a gripe session. The people who care about you will be there to listen and support. This alone will help you mend some of the trust issues you are facing.

At some point you will heal. You will let go of the anger and the hurt, but for each day it is here, treat yourself with exceptional love and  kindness.

I wish you peace on the journey.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

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