Do you believe in True Love? Or, like my assorted dates chart (left), that there are many special ones out there for everyone? — BadWitch
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GW/BW – My parents divorced when I was 12 and I spent time with both of them equally. They were great parents, and my dad remarried almost right away. My mom had some good boyfriends, and a few not so great relationships with men who treated her like she was invisible (but not abusive). She remarried once when I was a late teen, but that only lasted a year. Now I’m 32. As a result, I feel like I’m repeating her pattern of just ok boyfriends. No one special. How does anyone know who’s really right for them? Do you believe in “true love”? I don’t want to die alone but I don’t want to just settle either. – Wandering Dater
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Dear Wander,
All your wandering gets me wondering if you believe in true love — with yourself? I do! I believe in you, and wish you some clarity to reunite with your full worth. When you do, you will find that special someone you’re seeking – your self. Meanwhile, and since you asked, I’ll share what I believe about love toward explaining my advice to you.
I believe in true love and that there are many Mr/Ms Rights for everyone. No, I’m not polyamorous, rather, I believe that we travel and learn in soul groups, and that if we’re paying attention, a Soul Mate pops into our lives. Soul Mates are not necessarily romantic, that’s just a romantic notion/balm our society marketed to appeal to/soothe our solitary condition. Finally, I believe that it is in our relationships with and through different people (who are often like us, so we attract them, and if you don’t like who you attract, stop blaming and start being the change you want to see and live) that we most learn about our True Love, our selves.
Some people are meant to be alone – which is different from “lonely.” Some people are meant to learn and live with someone else. Just because your dad remarried quickly (and sounds like still) doesn’t mean he’s not alone or…lonely. Don’t carry the burden of the invisibility your mother allowed for in her own life, it doesn’t have to be your burden or lesson to work through (but if it is, do so! But please!, don’t blame her for your own lackluster dating choices, either way). Yours sounds more like giving yourself permission to spend some quality time by yourself to figure out what you like/don’t like, what you will stand up/lie down for, and what makes you burn with desire and passion and truly BREATHE and THRIVE in your own skin. And this quality time may take days, years or even decades. Then, as Murphy’s Law dictates, when you are least looking, that’s when the Right Person will show up “magically”!
The “truest” relationships are partnerships of all kinds (and get over it!, “equal” is another myth; a relationship is always going to be 60-40 or 70-30 cyclically as the relationship’s circumstances needs, and good partners (even if it’s “just” us alone) instinctively know and allow for this natural function of flow). We humans are made to relate. We humans are made to be interdependent.
True love to rejoining your soul, mate!
BW
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Dear Wandering Dater,
Overcoming some of the less than helpful lessons we learn from our parents can take a lifetime. We all have issues we’ve picked up from our parents, whether questionable dating strategies, persistent worrying or even abusive tendencies. Reclaiming our own methods for dealing with life’s issues requires a conscious habit of re-writing old family habitual responses. In other words, every time you look at someone and decide “he’ll do because I don’t want to be alone,” STOP. Rethink it. Question your motives, “am I into this person or am I settling?” The answer will be clear.
My mother used to say, “I don’t need someone else to take me backwards. If I want that I can do it for myself.” What did she mean? She meant if you are with someone who does not help you move forward in life, why date him? There are lots of opportunities to be with people who can chip away at your self-esteem or keep you from achieving your goals. Quite often, settling for someone can cause more harm than good. Yes, you’ll be able to say you are in a relationship, but if that relationship is making you less than your full, glorious self, is it worth it?
Remember, the role of your life partner should be played by your best friend. This is the person you will be intimate with on a number of levels. You will allow them into your emotional life, your home and your bed. That person should have the utmost respect for you and be able to show you that love and respect without provocation. You will know when you meet that person because the connection will move beyond the physical to the mental emotional realm. Is conversation easy? Are you truly yourself in your interactions or do you feel like you have to change who you are to be comfortable with them? Remember, in relationships comfort is king!
Although, I will say, if you are judging “settling” completely on physical appearance, get over it. Looks fade, whether through age or bad attitude. Have you ever seen someone who looked great until they started speaking? The lack of connection or bad attitude will make them appear less attractive. And, conversely, if you know someone who may not be a supermodel, but has a great attitude and is a wonderful person to be around, they will start looking better and better.
Basically, I’m suggesting taking the time to really weigh how you are feeling before you jump into a relationship. Give yourself time to check them out and check out how you feel about them. Lasting relationships have a core of deep abiding friendship. Go for the gold. If you believe you deserve the gold standard relationship and act accordingly, your gold standard relationship will happen for you. Start off by writing out a list of must haves for a partner. Remind yourself often of why you deserve that relationship. Because you do. After all, they get you—why should you settle?
Wishing you peace on the journey,
GoodWitch
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“Lasting relationships have a core of deep abiding friendship” – Been there, done that, it didn’t turn out well.. Personally, turning friendship into something more is a risk I’m not prepared to take again..
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Do I believe in true love? Absolutely! Contrary to popular belief, or perhaps more correctly, contrary to the more conventional notion of “true love”, true love isn’t simply a matter of romance. Like BW said, I too believe that true love begins with positive sense of “self.” If you don’t love or appreciate yourself, people can tell. They can’t always put their finger on it or describe it when they see it, but as spiritual creatures we know.
Our “soul mates,” and I too believe that we each have more than one, are the people who we meet in our lives either by chance, or through what I like to call, “the conspiracy of coincidences,” that for often inexplicable reasons, we are drawn to as friends. These are the people that we often refer to as our “best friends.” Male or female, gay or straight, Republican or Democrat, can come into our lives at any time and from any direction. In most cases we become such good friends and grow to know one another so well, on an almost instinctual level, that we can’t possibly envision our lives without them. These special people in our lives complete us in ways that we often don’t recognize and fail to understand.
In my particular case there are at least two people who come to mind. One is male the other female. I’ve known both of these people for nearly 35 years, continuously and without interruption. Yet we are all very different people with different outlooks on life, politics and religion.
In the case of my male friend; Despite the fact that we are both Catholic we both have very different views of the church and it’s place in society. His is the far more conservative viewpoint while I’m okay with the idea of woman as priests and accepting of gay people as members in good standing. He is a Republican, though he voted for Obama in the last election, while I have been a staunch Democrat and have never once voted for a Republican candidate in an election. He works for the government, after serving a long, distinguish career in the military, – a classic product of the “military industrial complex” – and I like the freedom of freelancing and from my perspective money is good, but it’s only the means to an end.
Consequently people often wonder why we’re such good friends because on the surface it would appear that we have nothing in common. Yet the truth is, nothing could be further from the truth. Our relationship is an excellent example of the balancing forces of Ying & Yang. We need each other and when we’re together we genuinely feel more complete than when we’re apart. As I like to tell him, he needs me in order to bring a little spice into what would otherwise be a very dull life. On the flip side of that particular coin however, he provides the wisdom, common sense and spiritual grounding that I need to keep my life from degenerating into chaos.
Is there anything romantic about our relationship? No, not in the least, but without a doubt the depth of our friendship is such that we can’t imagine our lives without each other.
As far as my female “best friend” again the conventional thought doesn’t apply because we’re not married and never have been. In fact we’re both married to other people, but at the same time our friendship has been as continuous and far-reaching as the mighty Mississippi River and this despite the fact that we were at one point in our young adult lives, very passionate lovers.
As they say, timing is everything and who knows, perhaps we would have married if the timing had been better, especially considering that we’ve both been divorced at least once. Yet regardless of the relationships we’ve each had with other people or the experiences we each had along the separate paths of our lives, that connection, which began as classmates in high school, has never wavered. And yet at the same time when you look at us what you’d see are two people as different in their view points as I am from my other friend, only in this particular case, by comparison, I have the more conservative point of view.
Both of these people fulfill me in ways that even after nearly 35 years I can’t explain or fully understand, but the one thing I do know is that my life is richer and far more complete because of these friends, my soul mates, each of whom reinforces my sense of self because they love me unconditionally. Their love and their friendship makes me feel whole and that is true love.
If we’re lucky, we all have them, our “friends-for-life,” our “soul-mates,” those with romantic ties if we’re really fortunate and those without. They are the people with whom we bond in order to help one another along our respective journeys through life, to share our experiences, our triumphs and our sorrows and are there to pick us up when we fall down. Male or female, lovers or not, these are the people who are the angles of our better nature and are willing to accept us for exactly who we are.
Once you have a more complete sense of self you’ll find that people will be attracted to you like moths to a flame. Everywhere you turn you’ll meet new people and make new friends and even attract new lovers if that’s what you’re after. So I say start your search by first looking inward and taking stock of those people in your life who love you just as you are right now. Don’t look for perfection because you won’t find it. Accept, appreciate and love yourself just as your friends and family love you and be secure in the knowledge that romance will come to you like a moth to a flame as soon as you begin to love the one you’re with.