The perpetual search to Have It All is an elusive one. Can one? If so, how to perfect it? The obstacles are numerous: I’m too lazy, not enough time, not good enough at it to have it all, (insert your sin). Sound CRAZY? Uh, because it is, people. The myth of the Having It All is a great one for the self-help book, pharma drug, and therapy industries, and they’re targeting “just” the impatient ones of you out there who don’t want to let anyone down. Surprise!, I say, stand up for yourself first — and be patient with yourself while doing it! Or you’ll be laying down for everyone. - BadWitch
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GW/BW – I’m sure this is a common question but one that I have a hard time with… How to find the right balance in life from work to family. The hard part for me is finding patience in being a good mom and a good listener. How can I train (coach) myself to have more patience so I don’t have any regrets later on? – Impatient, Work/Love Mama, Sacramento, CA
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Dear Work/Love Mama,
Learning patience with children is one of the biggest tasks for parents, but one that pays the most dividends. Our modern world is based on moving fast. Services boast their speed and products are marketed for disposable qualities because they support the idea that there is never enough time. We are pushed as a collective to cut corners and shave time off our tasks so we can feel productive. We are pushing ourselves to greater and greater stress (take the free De-stress Challenge!) which leads to common illnesses like the cold, high blood pressure, stroke, heart ailments and diabetes. Time to get off the hamster wheel, especially when it comes to your kids.
We must remember that or kids are figuring out a lot of these “no brainers” for the very first time. Remember, this IS all new to them. As parents, our job is to help them figure out how to be good, effective people. That includes, giving them the tools to figure out processes and how to do things without the expectation that it has to be perfect the first time around. That all adds up to parental patience.
Remind yourself often of what life was like when you were a kid. How did you wish your parents would react to things? How do you wish they were explained? In our house, we make a big deal out of “not being too helpful.” What I mean by that is not swooping in to give the answer or complete the project for our kids because they are taking too long. We also push the concept of failure being a means to achieving success. Einstein, one of the greatest minds of our century, failed in school. Horrible student that he was, he must have been well supported in allowing himself the time to figure things out for himself in his own way. Otherwise, the failure of a student would not have discovered the Theory of Relativity and other theories that exploded onto the scientific scene.
The other side of the issue is to give yourself time to play and talk with your kids. They really are only kids once and the bonds you make with them now will affect not only their lives moving forward but their future relationships. When you feel yourself getting antsy because you don’t feel productive just hanging out with your kids, remind yourself of what you would have wanted when you were a kid. You are being INCREDIBLY productive when you make time to “just hang out.” Clinical studies show kids who have family meals do better in school. Why? Because they have the opportunity to spend time with their parents. If your schedule is really full and you don’t feel like you have enough time. Make the time. Schedule one night a week that is family time. Make family meals a priority. Let your kids know that you are available to listen—that they are as important as commitments you have outside the home. All these things will register, for you and for them in a positive way.
And don’t waste time beating yourself up for “ not doing enough.” The past is merely information to inform your present. Now you have new information. Make the change and start down a new path. Everything you did for productivity and balance before will inform you as you move forward. Enjoy yourself and your time with your kids. It is a gift and a blessing that only goes around once.
Happy playing,
GoodWitch
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Dear Impatient Love Mama,
Firstly, let’s all get on the same page for the sake of this conversation: there is NO SUCH THING as “Having it All.” Nuh uh. No way. Urban myth. Empirically speaking, of course. The best a rash, functional and experienced human being can hope (and strive) for in the pursuit of the work-life balancing act is…to find balance! And that shift of balance can change from situation to situation. Why be all rigid and self-limiting, Impatient (and btw, ask yourself when and why are you most impatient around these issues? Big clue, Nancy Drew)?
Start by asking yourself honestly what your values and priorites are. If you have faint idea, or feel they’ve shifted over time, that’s ok! Knowing oneself is not an overnight event, but a journey of many steps taken over years. You know me, Just Start!
It’s ok to be a mom who enjoys working and having adult brain stimulation outside the home (no clue how old your kids are, as I say this). If the work keeping you staying there late is project-oriented, then see how important each project is to the overall health of your career advancement/status quo. Are you ambitious on the career ladder? If not, then setting boundaries with your boss (spoken and mutually agreed upon!, not assumed) about leaving “early” (whether fact or a myth in your office) is fine. If your home and kids come first, this is a viable choice. If you are more career-oriented and assuming all things equal with your kids’ wellbeing on the home front, then by all means spend more time in your office, and have that meeting with mutual agreement with them. Another choice (ah!, the power!…and responsibility).
The work-life balancing act is not just my usual “set boundaries clearly and up front” message, but rather one of living your most truthful and real self through your values. Contact us for more line item coaching (coaching@stillsitting.net) if you need it – but this is yet another of those simple-on-the-surface exercises I’m recommending. And if done with a serious heart and a loving mind, i0It’s a great start.
Love is patience is work!,
BW
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