Monthly Archives: April 2009

Dodgeball Ban in Schools: Inbounds or Automatic Out?

Posted on April 30, 2009 | 5 Comments

What are we teaching our next gen of citizens? The mere word “Dodgeball” brings up emotions and memories instantly, like a word association test. Since circa 2001 there’s been a growing movement to ban the PE game in schools. Does Dodgeball promote bullying and violence, or create anti-competitive wimps? Have some schools and educators gone too far by moving to kill an American institution all in the name of PC-love and understanding? This debate is seeing a second wave of interest and noise. Which side are you on? Let’s hear from parents, but especially you teachers out there. Oh…and there’s a poll after class (below).               — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – My daughter’s school is  considering finally banning Dodgeball. My husband is dead set against this, but I’m on the fence. I loved it, but I can see what they mean about teaching our kids good lessons like not bullying and non-violence. On the other hand, why do away with something so traditional? What are your thoughts?   – Dodgy Movement, City/State withheld

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Dear Dodgy Movement,

I am a parent who grew up in the late 70’s. Dodgeball, tag, and floor hockey (with plastic sticks) was all part of the normal Physical Education classes. I have to side with your husband. I love dodgeball, not because I was the best at it or because I was the bully who wanted to pick on smaller kids. I love dodgeball because it is a sport about life. You may be the under-dog, too small or too big and lanky with little coordination (that was me), but you have a skill you can rely on to survive.

For me, I was truly jazzed when the best dodgeball players would throw the ball at me. I knew I could not actually dodge the ball (read: big, lanky kid line), but I could catch the ball. I learned that even if the most popular or the biggest bully came after me, I had the resources to rise above it. I would sink to my knees, take the pain, catch the ball and deliver a resounding, “Ha! You’re out!” Dodgeball taught me that no matter what was stacked against me, I had my own unique skills to win. I wasn’t as small and agile at dodging the ball as some other kids, but I could catch that big red rubber ball. I could survive based on my own talents. That’s an important lesson.

Now, some schools go further than banning dodgeball. They ban any activity in which someone may lose. This means the demise of innocent games like musical chairs. This means everyone gets a medal so no one gets to say, “I’m number one!” How can we take these important life lessons away from our children? We don’t want our kids to lose and we don’t want them to be disappointed, which as a mom, I get. But at the same time that means we are avoiding giving our kids the lessons of how to rise above disappointment. How to grieve a loss of something small—like a game or a spelling bee—accept the lessons inherent in the situation and apply those lessons to do better the next time.

We are a society with a huge problem with perfectionism. We expect it from ourselves and our kids—despite the fact that one of the best lessons in life is failure. Albert Einstein was a horrible student. He failed a number of times. But he was allowed to fail and allowed to learn what he did wrong and what he did right. He could analyze what his strengths and weaknesses were so he knew where to apply himself. In the end, clearly, those lessons paid off. If our own children are not able to experience these lessons when they are children, we are dooming them to an adulthood of disappointment, with no coping skills to fall back on.

We think we are saving our kids by taking away every pain and every hurt. But these are the lessons that shape character. Raising children in a plastic bubble so they don’t have to experience the pain we have felt as children is cutting them off from experiencing life. It may seem like you are just asking about banning a violent game, but in truth, your school is hovering on a societal slippery slope. Take a step back from the edge. Let your children learn the lessons they need to succeed in life. Everyone will not be CEO. Everyone will not be President. Give them the tools to rebound now.

Play ball!

GoodWitch

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Dear Dodgy Mover,

I saw REAL Sports, too! In preparing my serious answer, I Googled “history + of + dodgeball” and was amazed to see that Asian cavemen in 50,000 B.C. invented this fine display of sportsmanship and competition, that our Founding Father and #1 Ranked Dodgeball Player George Washington later perfected. ‘Nuf said. I only wish we would take teaching critical thinking skills in school as seriously as dodgeball.

I personally hated Dodgeball because it’s not suited to my physicality. I’m not sure it fits my definition of “sport”, but am willing to take it at face value as a PE activity or game. Despite that I didn’t like and sucked at it, I am against hiding behind the PC notion that Dodgeball and similar touch-oriented games or activities in school lead to anti-socialism (bullies don’t learn that behavior in class), teaches violence (see football), promotes the notion there are no losers (get a Real Life). Just as in life, not every sport/activity is for everyone. Just as in life, not everyone is equally good at everything. Just as in many phases of life, Dodgeball borders on one of those rites of passage that must be endured or enjoyed, achieving near-bar mitzvah or prom status! It helps kids figure out what they are good at, how to deal with things they don’t like, how to help others who are weaker than them, and how to play fairly and within the lines.

Dodgeball (much less Tag and high-fiving!) should not be banned in schools. A healthy America cannot thrive by generating more over emotionally-charged, unrealistic whiners who think they are owed something more by merely existing and breathing the carbon dioxide of those hard workers who have firsthand experience and smarts about what consistent elbow grease, good attitude and self-determination it takes to get to Self-Actualization at the top of the Maslow’s Hieracrchy of Needs pyramid. And I am not equating “success” with “money” or any such external rewards exclusively, I’m talking about successfully being or dating a, or living or working with future ex-Dodgeball champs and survivors.

No Dodging Life is for the Living,

BW

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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The Longest Yard — in Your Kids’ Shoes

Posted on April 27, 2009 | Leave a comment

inside.huddleMoney, money, money makes the world go around. And the world has been on a herky-jerky ride lately. The ethical foibles and murky actions of a few have slowed down or stalled the rest of us. Nothing has escaped this trend, including a downshifting of our charitable gears negatively impacting our kids’ (sports programs and otherwise). One of the best things to come from days like these is an opportunity to rub the blur of better times from our eyes to really open them, so we can dig down even deeper into our hearts (and then wallets, if we can). Community, friends, family and our kids. That’s an investment to buy shares in in any market. — BadWitch

READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Dear GW/BW – Help me help my kids. Here’s my dilemma – last year I agreed to help fundraise for the high school football program. I am finding that it is not a good time to ask for donations or advertising. Any suggestions? – Longest Yard Parent., Des Moines, IA

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Dear Yard Parent,

First off, props for the proactive role you take in your kids’ lives. Your caring involvement and desire to turn in good results don’t need to suffer because of external conditions you can’t control. Revisit what constitutes “good results.” The common denominator today is that almost everyone is in the same boat — even the least affected people can easily see what’s going on and aren’t likely to be as ignorant as to flaunt their good luck.

Ask yourself what you want your kids to succeed at, Sporty Spice? I’ll guess you want them to develop a sense of pride, accomplishment and connection to their school, community and self, and eventually take that out into the Real World with them. Why not appeal to your potential donors from this same agenda? Ask individuals, business and community leaders to invest in their own futures through helping keep kids growing by focusing on character-building activities, and, basically, adding to the pool of good citizens (their next customers no matter what their business, if this is all they can connect with!) who can, in turn, pay it forward — these are all great reasons why they should dig deep to invest whatever small or large way(s) they can. Money is only one donation possibility. Maybe someone has connections to procure sports equipment at deep school discounts, or overflow donations from clothing or other related manufacturing. What about item donations for some sort of school auction? Those possibilities are endless: travel packages, auto services, groceries, school clothes to name a few basics people need. Why not help those who are helping the kids?

Finally, I know that we are a competitive people, and the sport you’re fundraising for especially so, but here’s a weird and wacky idea that could benefit your effort. See if you and the other leaders can frame this as a community just seeing what it can do sort of thing, by taking the competition out of the sports element only. Personally, I think any amount of fundraising generated will be appreciated in our current economic cycle. Sprinkle that message thematically throughout your campaign. Finally, here’s your football redemption movie third act rallying: when all hope was lost, ‘Friday Night Lights’ Coach Gary Gaines said, “Perfection is being able to look your friends in the eye and know you did everything you could not to let them down.”

Huddle up!

BW

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Dear Longest Yard Parent,

True enough these are tough economic times and money is tight, but not everyone is financially strapped. We all know school budgets have been hit hard. You may be surprised by how many people and businesses would like to help. You just have to ask. In fact, many people have already allocated donations in their budgets, don’t you want to claim some piece of that pie for the football team?

Don’t be afraid to ask. Too often we decide what someone will answer without ever asking the question and then behave according to the answer in our own heads. That’s crazy. We have to actually communicate with each other. The worst thing that can happen is you may hear, “No.” Not a problem, move down the line and ask the next person.

I volunteered one year for our school’s walk-a-thon and was shocked to find we paid for all the food every year. No one had ever asked local businesses for donations, even though these businesses looked to the school’s parents for a large part of their income. Well, I asked and found some stores had donation allocations that were never used because no one had asked before. In the end, most of the food and water for that year was donated and we now have a volunteer position specifically for donation outreach.

Let local businesses know they will get proper thanks in school bulletins or announced at the games. They will be more than willing to donate a little for the good PR that will positively affect their bottom line in the end. Ask friends and colleagues. Perhaps the school can offer receipts for tax deducible donations. Many people will be willing to help with what they can, if they can. We’ve all heard about schools now requesting parents take on the full bill for sports activities. No one thinks this is a good idea. Many will help just because they’ve heard about this on the news.

Bottom line, if you don’t ask you’ll never know. Remember, even if someone only gives $5, that’s $5 more for the team than they had. People are willing to help, especially now. Your only job is to reach out and ask.

Remember your optimism. Chances are you’ll here, “yes,” more often than you think.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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It’s Not You, It’s Me! Love and Light on the Dreh-ma

Posted on April 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

Costanza.couchI like George Costanza’s philosophy, “It’s not you, it’s me. Nobody ever says it’s them…not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me. You’re damn right it’s me!” I like his sideways tongue-in-cheek, I like his straight up admission. I like his reclaiming of his “me”! You do things for the people in your life and sometimes what do you get? The need for BadWitch’s broomstick giving somebody a good swift swat to knock in some common sense (a little gratitude wouldn’t hurt in some cases, either). Uh, or maybe GoodWitch’s hug. — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – What can we do to encourage those close to us to appreciate our unique contributions in their lives, without the need for dramatics or ultimatums? — No Drama Queen, Richmond, VA

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Dear Mary J. Blige,

I know riiight? Ugh. We’re talking emotional manipulation here. Sometimes a little Costanza in our lives is a good thing…depends on how the Costanzaing is being done. I say just let the offending(-ed) party(-ies) know in no uncertain terms that you are a shining example of love and light of the universe. You do the best you can for them, yourself, and others. Obviously you do it your way, not theirs. Your shiny white light looks and sounds the way you do, and no one else. They don’t blame that prize rose bush in their garden for having thorns, don’t yell at it for not blooming on demand, immediately take care to rid it of parasitic organisms so their sweet smelling, lovely colored blooms can keep thriving. Let them know you are the amazing hybrid that is the complex and simple sum of all its seeds, care and influences — including theirs. But their sway that informed who you are, is not the same thing as control over you. If they are too dense for poetic brush-offs, then tell the silly bunnies bluntly that until they can learn to deal with who you are and how you do things, it may be best for all involved to get back to them when they grow up.

Just make sure, sweetie smelling Mary J., when you do do things for others, that you really want to and that your intentions are clear. You, too, have to make contributions without expecting anything in return. Truthfully check your own objectives because maybe a teeny tad of the strife is coming from your unmet expectations, too. You’ll do your best, but they will have to remember you never promised them a rose garden.

Just as sweet by any other name,

BW

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Dear No Drama,

There are many things in life you can change, other people is not one of them. We only have the power to change ourselves and how we react to things. The best part about your question, however, is that you recognize that you are beautiful and unique.

I have found in life, when I have had issues with others accepting who I am, that either 1. I have been unable to show them who I truly am because of shyness, self-doubt or some eager attempt to be who I think they want me to be, or, 2. These people are not really my friends and I should stop trying to fit a diamond peg in a round hole.

If you are doing the former, let yourself out of the proverbial closet. Be who you are—fully—appreciating who you are. If nothing else, you will find you are living a fuller life because you will no longer be limiting yourself with ideas of what other people want you to be.

If, however, you are doing the latter, being fully you, and do still not feel accepted, let them go. These people are not your true friends if they expect you to change who you are and how you react to things to get along with them. Having a tantrum or laying down ultimatums will not work. You are only giving them more reasons to believe you should change who you are and how you react to things.

Neither solution is easy. Finding enough self-acceptance to let yourself shine instead of tamping down who you are to fit in, is in itself an exercise of profound inner strength. Work the muscle, but do not over do it.  Start by deciding on one character trait you keep in the closet. Share that one new trait or point of view with everyone you meet that day. See how freer you feel. You will also probably note some people being more drawn to you. Why? You are letting your true feelings shine through. Every day, let a little bit more of you out. Work that muscle until it becomes a natural reaction to just be you—all the time.

Letting go of those who are not accepting of who you are is also difficult. Again you must work a new muscle—the independent, stand-up-for-myself muscle. Let them know, calmly, that you do not feel accepted for who you are or the positive changes you are trying to make in your life. Let them know that although you have walked together for a ways, you no longer seem to be heading in the same direction. Wish them well on their journey and continue on your path. You will not be alone. There will be others who fully appreciate you who will step up to the plate. And, quite often, some of the people you have let go will come back to you, suddenly aware of their behavior and, well, just missing you. Believe me, it happens.

In this life, all you really have is you. You live your life, no one else sees, feels or thinks the way you do. Appreciate that only you can do things the way you do. Let’s face it, we live in a creative world filled with every kind of flower and plant. If the universe has not been limited to delivering only one flower, do not think you have to match some cookie cutter pattern to find love and acceptance. Truth is, it will never feel like true love and acceptance until you are fully being you and feel fully accepted for who you are. Revel in the differences. Revel in your own uniqueness and walk your path. It will not always be littered with hundreds of friends, but you will know you can truly count on the ones that are there.

It may not be an easy road, but it is certainly the path worth taking.

Love yourself, because otherwise no one else really can,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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I See Green Chutes. Do You?

Posted on April 20, 2009 | 1 Comment

obama.econ.advsrsPresident Obama sees ‘em. In his economy update last Tuesday in Georgetown, while wary to declare “good news” too certainly or too soon, he did say he and his economic team “are starting to see glimmers of hope.” Chair of Council for Economic Advisers, Christina Romer, said that while there will be inevitably more job losses and pain, she expressed hope that we could bottom out by Q3 or Q4 this year “and then actually, finally be on the upswing.” No on really knows anything, but how do YOU feel about things financial, nationally and personally?? Sound off in Comments. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – How do I keep a healthy economic outlook when all I’m hearing is gloom and doom? — Small Business Owner, Oakland, CA

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Dear Small Business Owner,

You ask a legitimate question in a loaded way. It sounds to me like you already believe a healthy economic outlook is an optimistic one, despite a storm of gloom and doom forecasting and media babbling. Here’s me supporting you: spread the seeds of confidence, the lack of it is a huge contributing factor to this crisis. Follow your actual (and useful) industry trends, but don’t watch the news in an unfocused way. Focus more on the micro pieces you can control, and just keep an informed eye on the macro ones you can’t. Keep doing what you do best. Run your business in the unique way only you can offer your clients and peers. Cut your costs, protect your assets, but also keep your eye out for opportunities this time of challenge might actually offer you. Stay focused on the right things, SBO. Keep your optimistic view alive through wise and realistic choices and business best practices I suspect you have already observed in the last down cycle.

Keep investing in the faith,

BW

==

From GoodWitch:

Faith means believing in something you can’t feel or see or touch. It’s knowing in your heart that despite what the outward appearances tell you, something better is destined for you. In these times of economic transition, we need to hold on to faith that the good times will return, even though the news forecasts doom and gloom at every turn. Faith, self-reliance and common sense are needed right now. Take a deep breath, click your heels three times if you need to and remember, it may not look right now and it may not look like our perfect picture, but it will be all right. How do you know? Faith.

— GoodWitch

How do I keep a healthy economic outlook when all I’m hearing is gloom and doom? —Gloominous Doom

Dear Gloominous Doom,

Not to sound like your mother, but if everybody was jumping off a bridge, would you jump? We may think, of course not, but here we are unable to picture a bright beautiful new beginning for our economy because we keep hearing gloom and doom stories on the news, in the paper and from just about anyone else we’re willing to listen to. Stop! This is no time to jump just because everyone else is. Listen, everyone was sure the Titanic was unsinkable. Did that make it so?

It is time to remember that the Great Depression was quite the opportunity for many people. Rockefeller, Odlum, Keynes all made hundreds of millions during the Great Depression. What does this mean? Crisis can actually mean opportunity if you stay grounded, hold on to the possibility of a better tomorrow and keep sharp for sows ears that can be refurbished into silk purses.

Our economy is going through a HUGE transition. Corrections must be made. The wealth must be distributed more equitably. Now is the time when someone with gumption, foresight and the drive to make it can create new wealth for themselves. Bootleggers, like the Kennedy’s, made HUGE family fortunes during the Depression. Keep your eyes open. If you believe you can create better for yourself than what you’ve seen on the news about rising unemployment and plummeting stock prices, you can.

Sound all rose colored glasses to you? It shouldn’t. Life is cyclical. Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. This is economically as well as in any other area of life. The trick is to stay optimistic during the down times that a positive outcome is possible. John D. Rockefeller said, “These are days when many are discouraged. In the 93 years of my life, depressions have come and gone. Prosperity has always returned and will again.” And, let’s face it, he made out all right during the Depression.

Listen, the future won’t fix itself without some hard work on our parts, some tough decision-making and, quite frankly, a heaping helping of faith that the down part of the cycle will eventually come up again. Do the work. Start that business on the side that has been your life-long dream. Remember that designer labels don’t make you likeable or lovable. Get rich schemes usually only work for the Madoff who came up with the scam in the first place. Save where you can and plan on a better day. And, at least a couple nights a week, turn off the news. Focus on what you want to create for yourself and let yourself out of the societal box of “this is how you get rich” or “I need to do this to be accepted.” All bets are off now. It’s up to you, your creativity, your own hard work and the opportunities you can carve out for yourself to move forward to a better tomorrow.

Remember your optimism and, please, try to play nice with the other weary travelers on the road.

Believe to achieve,

GW

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Kids to Parents: Why Ask Why??

Posted on April 16, 2009 | 2 Comments

mom.daughter.chatS-E-X. Made you look. Now let’s get you talking. To your kids, that is. Kids expect their parents to know everything…until they come of a certain age and then it’s, “OMG, moommm!, daaaddd! Don’t you know anything?” The blessings of parenthood are numerous, but so too its own questions. Last week, the world heard an American 13-year old girl on Oprah say, “Oral sex is the new good night kiss!” Translation: Parents, time to get past When they’re Ready, Set, and get onto “Go!” — BadWitch

READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Dear GW/BW – I have a ton a questions to ask for example: If we as parents say the sky is blue, how come our children respond, “No it’s green!”? At what age is it a good time to talk to your kids about sex? — Parental Oracle Long Island, NY

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Dear Parental Oracle,

Oh, those darn kids! Well, as a single mom of two daughters, I get this “I know more than you,” syndrome—regularly. Why, just this morning my 9 year old attempted to correct my count of the number of pairs of shoes littering the living room. I said 4. She countered, “It’s only 3.” I placed the last pair (#4) at her feet and asked why she thought it was a good idea to push my buttons instead of doing what I asked.

It’s testing boundaries and it’s also the smarmy nature of kids to believe parents are out of touch, embarrassing, know-nothings. It’s OK. It means they are developing appropriately, as frustrating as it is. Surely you remember thinking your own parents were out of touch, embarrassing know-nothings. Keep a sense of humor. You’ll need it.

I usually make jokes about the smarminess. Though this morning all I could say was, “I have no sense of humor right now. Don’t push your luck.” Boundary pushing ceased moments later. I have found, however, that most times, my kids just want to know they are in some control of their lives—that they can be the one with the right answer. The more we joke about each of our human foibles, “accidents happen” kind of laugh at ourselves, the less they seem to need to play the smarmy role.

In the case of “The Talk,” early information (age appropriately, of course) is better. My parents shielded me from ANY real knowledge about sex. I heard that I could get breast cancer from a boy kissing my boobies. No lie. So, I learned on my own (unwise) and was an easy target for predators. Teach your kids now so other people can’t convince them they have their best interest at heart and then take advantage of them in ways that will affect them for YEARS.

My six year old knows that a Mom & Dad in love can make babies when the Dad adds his seed to Mom’s eggs in her belly. None of this has anything to do with mechanics, but even at 6 my child knows there is no stork. Thank you. I tell them when my “Moon” read monthly, starts (one bathroom, 3 people). This includes explanations of the eggs in the belly and that means I could still have a baby if I wanted to. My 9 years old is very mature for her age (acts and looks about 11). So she knows the mechanics. She’s seen the equipment in normal everyday life (no drama) since she was a baby (Dad’s & mine). Now she knows how they work together.

It’s all about age appropriate conversation. Sometimes I make comments referring to a movie about why a character should date this boy over another. The bottom line for both questions is, I want them to know they do know. I want them to feel in control and like they can speak up for themselves—who they are, what they think and how they feel. Sometimes they’re smarmy, but for girls who know themselves and know how to stick up for themselves…it’s worth it!

Keeping it real,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Shaper of the Future,

I’m jumping past the green sky (they’re learning and testing limits of all kinds, right? Yours, theirs, your patience as well as how you respond?) age/stage of life question right to the…

…The sex talk part. The biggest mistake parents can make is to turn this into a huge, marquee headlining Sex Talk. The Talk. That’s too much weight for one conversation. Of any kind! Instead, I’m a huge proponent of talking early, often and in (to age appropriateness) depth about sex and all things bodily with kids. Educating kids about the facts of sex is not the same as giving them permission to have sex. It is educating them, arming them to make informed and empowered decisions when the time(s) come (and you’re not around). That is walking your talk to illustrate how your kids can actually “talk to you about anything”…which in so many cases, parents, I’m with your kids who say, Yeah right!

How we talk about sex with our kids is how we feel and talk about sex ourselves. Teen pregnancy and STD rates tell a story about how we appear to feel as a nation. Growing up my, my traditional but progressively no body-shame parents introduced my siblings and I (at ages 3-6) seamlessly and naturally to the differences between men’s and women’s bodies by having small, everyday conversations while walking into the bathroom, relieving themselves while continuing to chat, washing their hands and continuing back out into the fam room. We could see the difference, no need for them to point anything out. Natural. As we got older, we started getting more words attached to appropriate conversations. And we grew up hearing our parents use the proper words for body parts and functions (all of them, not just sexual ones). The schoolyard taught us all the silly, rude and slang idioms. But by then we had proper, grown up-introduced factual context against which we could expand our knowledge, our understanding.

Being from a family of early developers, I first heard about menstruation at age 9, and basic sexual mechanics (Where Do Babies Come From?) chat by 10. Then I could stop thinking about it. The latter wasn’t so scary when I was a year older and friends started giggling about sex. The Love and/vs. Sex talk came around 11 or 12 in our house. …But, gentle reader, we are sooo old. Today’s 9-year old girls are dieting to keep themselves thin and accepted by media images and peer pressure’s standards — and by boys.

So talk to your kids early and often about the naturalness of the body and sex. Visual aids are totally encouraged! Empower and educate with your kids with facts. That is how your girls will be empowered, and your boys will be more respectful – and in both cases, of themselves and others.

Early & often power!

BW

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Help!, I’m being held captive in a fortune cookie factory (or Workplace Gitmo)!

Posted on April 13, 2009 | Leave a comment

madmenjoan

Post-MSG reading, you might have one of two reactions, 1) to fight your visceral urge to help; or 2) to laugh it off as a joke. No matter your reaction, a person who feels a prisoner to their cut off workplace options, is an unhappy person feeling trapped between a Chatty Cathy and a politico outsider hard place. But when the ransom for your freedom is your precious time and reputation (gossiper), know that you can take hold of the reins! Time to cut the talking string that bind us, and blow this biscuit facility.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – The big boss’s assistant is a true Chatty Cathy…how do I kindly extricate myself from her gossipy clutches. Please know she’s a very nice person but she has a hard time taking a hint – and, I need to stay in their good graces! Please help. — Captive Audience, Chicago, IL

==

Dear Non-Stockholmed,

Politics! Intrigue! Gossip! As you know, oh captive one, that’s a tough situ and not as glamorous as it may sound outside your particular 9-5 pokey. My recommendation is as simple as I’m telling you to keep it. Tell her straight up you need to keep the conversations between you separated: professional and personal. Then whenever possible, be specifically on-purpose and on-point with your boss, and charge on in on (real or supposed) deadline past her frontline gatekeeper. Keep exemplifying for Chatty Cathy on every occasion – consistently – around her desk, your bosses’ door, at your desk, that you are On a Mission. Then whenever you see her otherwise, in the caf, in the parking lot, in the Ladies’ Conference Room…you can chat her up socially. Soon enough, you will train her as to the etiquette you need and want her to treat you (and you her!) by. In other words (and it’s my 2009 favorite), boundaries! And Bonus Points!, you will be helping this theta-brainwave babbler get back into her body by recognizing her surroundings more often. Being friends with people at work, and friendly with people you work with are not the same thing.

Cut the cord,

BW

==

Dear Captive Audience,

Now is the time for strategic thinking. The boss’ assistant is not where your challenge necessarily ends. She has your boss’ ear. It will be an important thing to remind yourself of as you take on strategically managing her gossip habit.

Gossiping is a habit, for many formed sometime in high school when one scored points for knowing dirt on others. Queenbees and Wannabees shows a breakdown of girls high school cliques the power girls draw from gossip. Being the “Informant” means you are in the know. It is also means you are protected from outside bullying because of what you know and who you know it about. Come on, you watch Gossip Girl, right?

When dealing with this sort of “Chatty Cathy,” my first recommendation is to protect yourself. Be very aware of the stories or comments you share with her. If she is willing to share dirty information on others with you, chances are she’ll share your dirt with others. This makes the cubicle gossip much more of a minefield. If you get sucked in and start to agree or add your own 2¢, it could easily end up in a co-workers ear, starting a landslide of public opionion against you. Let’s face it, when she shares the info she’s not giving up her comments—just yours.

The best offense to this kind of insidious poison is deflection. When your boss or her assistant start in a line of gossip, change the subject. Sometimes this is as easy and linking her story to something you’ve seen on TV and then taking the subject straight off somewhere else. If, however, your boss’ assistant is a dog with a bone, play her by pointing out the positives in a “look on the bright side kind of way.” I have a neighbor who enjoys negative gossip. Whenever the rampage starts, I point out the positives, “well, at least it’s off your desk” etc., etc. Then when I segue into a new topic, he latches on. Why? Because he has not been getting any energy to feed the negative gossip. I’m just no fun to gossip with! Then when I start up some new conversation, he jumps on board. He really just wants to chat, but his habit is to gossip chat. Retraining continues, but we maintain good, cooperative feelings for one another—just as you must with your boss…even if it’s through her assistant.

And remember, if its been an extremely daunting round of let’s change the subject, you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom or create an “I have to deal with this right now” matter that slipped your mind until just that second. It’s not dishonest, it’s self-protection of mind, spirit and job. Dodge ball is more than game.

Better to buzz off,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Respect! I’m Packin’ Love

Posted on April 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

baggagecarousel

Packing light has its benes in numerous scenarios. I can hear some of you out there now, “What if I need it?” or, “I just don’t want to be caught short without that…” Lovah pleeze! When getting ready for any adventure, whether on the road, air — or in love— BadWitch says it’s always sensible to be a good Scout: anticipate, be prepared for the worst, expect the best then carry on!  — BadWitch


READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Ladies, Wish You Were Here! – How do I keep the baggage from my last relationship out of my current one? I know it’s unfair of me but I find that I can’t keep past wrongs out of my present relationship. Help! — Time Weary Traveler, Studio City, CA

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Dear Love Packer,

How To Pack Efficiently For Your Love Trip

Destination: wherever you go, there you are. Weather: TODAY! Sunny & clear. 5-day forecast not available. Cover ups: pack only essentials that are flexible enough to do double-duty, i.e., a wrap as a beach cover; a plain life’s-a-beach white T-shirt can go under a jacket for schmancy dining. Carry-on: barebones survival items (one small-sized entertainment accoutrement allowed) are acceptable and cheaper in the long-run than 10 lbs. of throwaway mags, an extra laptop, and deflecting/dodging tools like your work items – this is supposed to be a love trip, after all. Once You’re There: get over your tired self, there’s time to sleep on the beach or under the table. Unpack and wisely put everything away in its place prudently. Then you avoid wasting precious Now Love Trip time wondering where This is, or when fugly old That’s gonna pop up – you knew it! – at the worst time.

Once you both know where everything is, and respecting each other’s space doing that, you can just get on with the gory glory of this Now Love Trip. From body shots to annuities everything that comes in between will have a better chance of sight seeing and knowledge expansion in the light of TODAY!

I don’t care how many trips you’ve been on, you have never seen these particular monuments, terrain, or quiet, thought-inducing places of worship ever before. On those trips, neither of you were who you are TODAY. Besides, what’dya think you’re Jane Seymour meeting Christopher Reeve on some love-crossed time-space epic, or something?

Bon voyage!

BW

==

Dear Time Weary Traveler,

Staying in the present moment is one of the most under-valued human abilities. If the urban legend that we only use 20% of our brains were actually true (it’s not), we would discover the other 80% to be the muscle used to keep our focus in the present moment—not ten minutes from now, not 10 years ago.

Exercising this muscle is imperative to living a happy life. If your energy is pulled into the future, your focus is on manipulating the present moment for best outcome. That’s work, not enjoyment. If you are carrying the baggage of the past into your present moment, you are living in pain-avoidance—always on alert for signs someone or something will hurt you, so you can avoid it happening again. Certainly, not a peppy, optimistic outlook.

Dragging the past into your current relationship, does not give you or your new partner room to really be in the relationship. You are not dating just him/her. You are dating every one you’ve dated before (especially the ones that hurt you) simultaneously. Sound fun? Right. Time to call “CUT!” on the projections you’ve been throwing all over your current mate.

Ready to stretch your muscles? When you feel yourself comparing your current beau (belle) to an ex, stop. Consciously consider three characteristics that are different between that heart-wrenching former lover and your current. Make these SOLID facts like hair color, height, etc. The more you work this muscle through exercise, the easier it will be to separate the illusions of the past from the truth of the present.

You deserve happiness. You deserve to have your energy, your focus on the joy present for you in every moment, whether it’s appreciating a beautiful flower or a dinner date. Let go of past hurts. Take what you have learned, and let the rest go. Who you are isn’t the same. How you react isn’t the same. And give yourself credit, who you choose probably isn’t the same either.

Listen, if you really have issues letting go, check out StillSitting, Less Stress, More Life. Brain re-training exercises help you release the emotional charge from past experiences so there is less baggage to carry forward. Remember, the more energy (focus, enthusiasm) you have for your life now, the more opportunities for joy available to you in every moment. Seize your day. By the way, that’s today.

Happy travels,

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Workplace Survivor. Alliances. Strategies. Deceit. Success. …Triumph?

Posted on April 6, 2009 | 1 Comment

Survivor.logoEveryone knows these are financially tough times. And the fog of such days, can sometimes obscure how emotionally hard things have been for some of us off and on in the past. Allow me to mix and match my metaphors here: If charity starts at home, sometimes it may be a good thing to bring the home into the office.

— BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Help me, GW/BW – So my job is stable and I just got a bonus. I was even able to give all my employees decent raises. But I can’t say that for most of my friends. I remember a time not too long ago when I was the one laid off and many of the ones in question were not particularly helpful or supportive. On the one hand, I feel bad for them and want to cook for them or buy them dinner and a drink. On the other hand, I remember when they were not there for me. A little voice inside is saying Hah! Now the shoe is on the other foot. But the nurturing side in me does want to help. How to reconcile? I think “forgive and forget” is BS… – Survivor’s Guilt, Manhattan Beach, CA

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Dear Survivor,

I get the human urge to want to gloat especially when others have been less than supportive of us in the past, but we’re talking Survivor not Temptation Island here. In this climate of uncertainty and volatility, not so sure it’s your best strategy. So don’t get voted off like a bad player if you want to stick around to play another day, overcome your basest urge(s) and be your biggest person possible. I strongly suspect you have that quality in you more than needing (wanting is a different story) to thumb your nose or lord over others’ misfortune — and that others have seen those higher qualities in you whether you felt the appreciation or not, could very well be likely one of the reasons you’re in your current blessed position. The luxury to think of such dilemmas is your just reward enough, I say. Now, sweet P/T Mama Teresa, don’t stress it and keep your whisking, cocktail swizzling kind-hearted nose to the grindstone — and spread the love and the luck.

Anyone’s karma can be a bitch,

BW

==

Dear Employment Survivor,

You have a loving and nurturing heart. It is clear from your question that you are one who naturally thinks of how you can take care of the people in your life—possibly better than yourself.

Guidance we heard early in life (especially from well-meaning parents and teachers) like, “don’t brag,” “don’t get too big for your britches,” and “nobody likes a show-off” has left many otherwise functioning adults feeling guilty for taking care of themselves. We become afraid of embracing our success and congratulating ourselves for a job well done because we see others struggling. We tamper down our joy and think of ways to dole out our rewards so others will not resent us for our success. Now that’s b.s.

If there are people in your life you’ve seen struggling who have been supportive in whatever way they could be to you in the past and you want to brighten their day with lunch or dinner on you, well then, you are acting in the highest good of all. You feel good. They feel good. If, however, you feel called to act out of guilt—pull your hand back. You will be giving away emotional resources you cannot afford to expend.

Giving from the heart pays back exponentially with good feelings, good will and good karma. Giving from guilt depletes you in the same way, leaving you with residuals of shame, worry and self-doubt. This is one sure case where you should pay yourself first.

Recognize, however, this is not the same as holding a grudge. There is a difference between not offering or giving a compassionate and polite, “No.” and dangling a carrot you intend to pull away at the first opportunity out of some sense of revenge. If you are doing the former, I say, BRAVO! For respecting your own emotional boundaries. If, however, you are doing the latter, I can only leave you with the words of James Ray, Philosopher, “Holding unforgiveness against someone else and expecting them to feel pain is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Let it go.

GoodWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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All Brady, All the Time Channel

Posted on April 2, 2009 | Leave a comment

bradystairs

We’ve all been “scarred” by our parents. Each generation out, we try to lessen the wounds and do a better job than our parents did. But, we do what we do with, hopefully, the best interest of the kids in mind. Of course, most of our parents didn’t deal with our 21st century multiple household-multiple parent families. We’re treading new ground. But if we can remember the kids didn’t have the affair, leave the toilet seat up or do any of the umpteen-thousand annoying things your ex-spouse did. Make sure in the new family arrangement, they don’t have to pay for the sins of the parents. The key is respect, communication, honesty, communication with honesty and more age-appropriate honest communication. So play nice, by the time their 30, they’ll thank you for it.

– GoodWitch


READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Dear GoodWitch/Bad Witch – What is the best way to handle ex wife / new wife differences while dealing with kids and relationships? What should I do to make sure my kids in the Bay Area have a good connection w/ me while I live 120 miles away? - Brady-fied Dad, Pioneer, CA


Dear Brady-fied Dad,

The main factor is the kid’s happiness. No matter how the three of you (1, 2 & You) feel about each other, I bet you can all agree that you want the kids to be happy and get through the regrouping relatively unscathed in the hopes of low counseling bills down the road. Right? The three of you need to come to an agreement to be respectful to and about each other when the kids are around, as well as a visitation schedule that works for everyone. Really, at some point you liked each other enough to make the kids. Try to rekindle the friendship. The more you two can really relate to each other about the kids honestly and without acrimony the smoother it will be for EVERYONE. Depending on the kid’s ages, you may need your Ex to help you communicate. Webcams, telephone, email and good old snail mail will have to be your primary communication tools, supplemented by kid-centric vacations. But this can put you in the confidante’s seat. You are not there to yell, scream and send them to their rooms on a regular basis. You can talk out the problems at school, with friends, etc. Though, be wary of the mine-field of talking about Mom. Let them know up front that Mom’s house has Mom’s rules. But, of course, you would be willing to talk some issues over with her if they REALLY need an ally. But let them know she has the final say because she’s there on a daily basis and may have more info on the situation than you do. (I would be sure to approach her the same way.) Let your new wife know that her happiness is important to you, as is your kids. Let her know how much you appreciate her helping with your Ex and the kids. And, when the kids visit, get a babysitter and schedule date-night. Just as she needs to know the kids are important to you, she and the kids need to know she is important to you too. It’s a balancing act that pays huge dividends when you do it right. I actually have a great relationship with my ex and his live-in girlfriend. Why? Because I worked it that way. I wanted to be sure there was no competition or weirdness that my girls had to contend with. In the end, I am not in that relationship for a reason, but we are friends (again, I made sure for the kids sake). So we took the Brady bunch melding approach. In the end, I have an ally in their house and I know my girls have a great role model (besides me). Sure, it may seem a little Machiavellian-Brady Bunch, but in the end, no one lost a head and we’re all happier.

Happy melding,

GW

==

Dear Senor Brady,

You know, I totally lucked out with my childhood of milk & cookies. As a result, my relationships have mostly thrived on love and harmony and Yeah We Can All Get Along Enough-ishness. But to get that kind of wuvy-duvy bliss in one’s life, it’s gotta start with pretty strict (vs. rigid) law and order. If all the concern comes because the kids come first then…One word, darlin’ daddy: boundaries.

You (and the ladies) need to be very clear and communicative up front and consistently about what is acceptable and unacceptable to the kids’ well being – but (oh sacrilege here!) even more importantly, your 3-legged stool of a relationship. If there is strife between the wives, Daddy, help them work it out, and make the heck sure that you are not somehow enabling it. No one here is going to be the “winner” over the other(s). Your kids’ well being is the prize at stake. No accusations intended. Model the love top-down (for the kids and yourselves, if necessary!). Sets the mood. Sets an example.

You have time and space both working for and potentially against you, depends on how you use them. As Sheriff in this town, I say, Mama Bear and Papa Bear are your ex- and you (when it comes to the general beliefs and direction set for your kids), and your present wife is your equal partner and friend, and she and Mama can be each other’s ally! As such, I say she may need to respect some primary parenting rules in this relationship she may or may not be down with. She can rightfully protect her own and home’s boundaries and exercise her free will and positive influence by helping the kids be at the most harmony and neutrality as the stuffing in between their parents’ bread – by reinforcing “what your parents said, but please respect this is my house”-type of law. She has a near Best of Both Worlds advantage some grandparents have, love ‘em then go take a nap. I’m not saying she doesn’t have plenty o’ work in that daily basis sort of way, merely that she can be the cool-headed and (more) constant step-mom/aunt-type with the understanding ear but the I’ve-got-your-Daddy’s-back behavior. Can be a good thing!

Better than a common boys-girls bathroom, Brady!

BadWitch

==

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! -  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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